New Supreme Court Nominee Passes Speaking-in-Tongues Litmus Test

Officially accepts Bush’s invitation in Latin, Greek, and Aramaic



Judge Samuel Alito, pictured here with President Bush, acknowledges that a woman’s womb, "should be treated like WMD and carefully controlled by the government."

WASHINGTON — President Bush selected a new nominee to the Supreme Court today, picking conservative judge Samuel Alito to succeed retiring judge Sandra Day O’Connor.

Working frantically after the collapse of the Harriet Miers nomination, the President stayed up way past his bedtime last night, rigorously questioning Judge Alito before offering him the nomination.

"The President and Judge Alito covered a variety of legal and ethical topics," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "Once the President began to discuss Roe v. Wade, Judge Alito's eyes rolled back into his head and he began to bah like a sheep. The President felt that demonstration showed Judge Alito was sufficiently filled with The Holy Spirit to sit on the Supreme Court."

Unlike Ms. Miers, who lacked even kangaroo court experience, Judge Alito spent fifteen years as a judge and nearly thirty in public legal service. He is most noted for his philosophy of universally reducing the power of the government in every area except in people's private lives. His Italian-American heritage and conservative views of women’s reproductive rights earned him the nickname, "Il Douche."

The nomination immediately drew praise from conservatives who had lashed out at President Bush for the Miers nomination. Ann Coulter, columnist and perhaps the harshest critic of Miers, said, "I couldn't be more erect."

Political analyst Robert Novak, reached for comment at his crypt, said, "It is nice to see the President get back to the anti-women, anti-poor roots of conservatism." Citing "top government sources," Mr. Novak also acknowledged that Ms. Miers had withdrawn because she had attempted to buy enriched uranium from Saddam Hussein.

The most important approvals of Judge Alito’s nomination are coming from Republican Congressmen who had threatened to block the Miers nomination. Senator Trent Lott—after saying earlier this week that he hoped the President, "would look across the country and find the best man, woman, or minority that he can find"—expressed his approval of Altino, saying, "I am very glad the President went with my first choice, a white man."

At a prayer breakfast this morning for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Conservatives, Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas could not contain his enthusiasm, exclaiming, "Praise the Lord and pass the nomination." He then rubbed his nipples.

Democrats were noticeably downbeat about the nomination of a more strident conservative. Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, the Nevada Democrat, called Altino "too radical," just before Homeland Security officials had him gagged and handcuffed.