Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan warns that the ongoing international money-shot situation could "turn into a full-blown crisis that smacks us right in the face without warning."
WASHINGTON, Oct. 19--Testifying in front of a Congress deeply concerned about America wilting in the adult entertainment arena, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan stated that international inflation of pornography is causing a devaluation of on-screen ejaculations--more commonly known as money shots.
"After close, intensive, repeated study by myself and my colleagues, we have categorically found that the money shot is not providing the levels of stimulation it once did," Greenspan said.
Greenspan went on to blame the reduction of money shot potency on cheap foreign labor, most notably from Eastern Europe, as well as new Internet distribution methods that bypass traditional bricks-and-mortar merchants for home delivery. "This combination of market penetration and easy access has greatly reduced GDPP--Gross Discharge Per Penis."
For the average adult entertainment consumer, this devaluation means more money shots will be required to procure a satisfactory payoff for services rendered. "It used to be, back in the days of Deep Throat or Behind the Green Door, that you'd have a 1:1 or maybe 2:1 money-shots-per-scene ratio, and that was more than enough for most consumers," said Cock Hudson, star of such films as To Have and Have Again and Howard's Rear End. Hudson currently heads the industry watchdog group the Center for Universal Masturbation. "Now, with the Russians flooding the market with cheap semen, ratios of five- or ten-ejaculations per scene are becoming commonplace, and consumers are demanding even more. It's just nuts."
The biggest victims of this inflationary crisis are older adult stars who had counted on their previous output to propel them through retirement. "Pardon my French, but I'm fucked," said Ron Jeremy, star of such films as 21 Hump Street and To Live and Shave in LA. "I was counting on my splooge residuals from the 80s and 90s to carry me for the rest of my life. Now my retirement account is as depleted as my nutsack after filming Sgt Pecker's Lonely Hearts Club Gang Bang. These foreign guys are just pumping out jizz with little regard for current supply or standards. And our government is letting it happen."
Female performers are also absorbing some of the blows to the industry. "I'm working longer hours and receiving more money-shots than ever, but I'm making less and less," said actress Brandi Creams. "Five years ago, if you had told me I'd be getting five payoffs per feature, I'd have told you I'd be a rich lady. Today, an international star like Svetlana Slutinski gets five money shots per scene. We can't compete."
When questioned about the market saturation of foreign-made ejaculate, the Department of Commerce released this statement: "We are investigating the situation. Our hard drives are full of data and we will release our copious findings after more group analysis."
Hudson isn't counting on much government action. "There's not a whole lot they can do about the international distributors overfilling the market. Consumers like it now, but soon they're going to get very little bang for their buck. I know one recent film, Boris Ballsnakov's Backdoor Bimbo Blast-Off 37, delivered 42 money shots in one scene. At that point, it's actually more cost-effective to use your imagination."
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