Monday, October 03, 2005

Unlike Tom DeLay, I've never been indicted

A CJSD guest editorial by a Ham Sandwich

“A good prosecutor can indict a ham sandwich.”

That’s what a lot of conservative pundits are saying about Tom DeLay’s indictments. The implication is that indictments mean nothing, since you could theoretically indict me.

Frankly, these DeLay apologists are full of bologna.

For the record, I have never been indicted of anything. My father, who was also a ham sandwich, was never indicted. My grandfather, his father, his father’s father...all ham sandwiches, all clean. What about my sandwich friends? Let’s put it this way: the only reason they’ve ever stood before a grand jury was because there were catered.

In fact, no sandwich has ever been charged with a crime. It’s therefore an insult to the greater LMC (Lunch Meat Community) to compare us to a politician who is sleazier than an expired pimento loaf.

I’m especially bothered by the comparison because sandwiches have served this country loyally and honestly for generations. We have fueled legislative sessions, business meetings, school lunch programs, and late-night snack-attacks. Long before the Civil Rights Movement, the LMC welcomed breads of all creeds and colors, from the darkest Jewish rye to the lightest Protestant white. Even today, we continue to bridge the political gap in this country, providing sustenance to Republican and Democrat alike. We are America’s hardest working meal.

Certainly there are some bad lunch meats out there, even in my family. I had a Honey Baked Ham uncle who fell in with some shady Italian Salami. The Salamis told him they were going to make him into a sandwich, lured him to a lower Manhattan deli, and sliced him up. Some of my Corned Beef cousins were used by the IRA and later were destroyed in a Belfast apartment explosion. And I would never, under any circumstances, want to come in contact with Head Cheese.

But even these raw meats, growing up without the advantages of bread and condiments, have never been indicted. If no grand jury could find fault with them, would they press forward against a delicious, well-behaved sandwich? I believe they would pass the mustard and hold the indictment.

So to all you writers and commentators out there who have placed us on the same plate as Tom DeLay, ruining the good name of me and my kind, I’ve got two words for you:

Eat me.

The Ham Sandwich is currently employed as a deli industry lobbyist and was once considered a vegetable by Ronald Reagan.

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