Elusive terrorist mastermind had help from French-speaking soldiers; Bush changed tactics mid-battle.
A still from a military spy drone showing one of bin Laden's accomplices at Castle Aaagh. The French government has denied involvement of their citizens, stating that "expert analysis of their outrageous accents shows the men were almost certainly from Quebec."
WASHINGTON, DC (AP)--For years, reporters and the public have questioned the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden and why the United States has failed to capture him. Now a new, formerly classified report leaked to the press corps offers a stunning glimpse of how close American forces were to capturing him--and how the War on Terror took a very different turn.
According to the report, comprised of CIA reports and songs from undercover bards, in 2003, the President--mounted on his trusty steed, Condi--stumbled across the isolated Castle Aaagh while moving through the Afghan countryside in search of al Qaeda. The President had been seeking the castle since it was mentioned in one cryptic communication from a source, identified by the government only as, "J of A."
Closing on the fortifications along with the Members of His Cabinet, the President saw bin Laden atop the battlements. The Saudi Arabian-born bin Laden, wanted in connection with the horrific 9/11 bombings, dashed out of sight and was replaced by a uniformed French soldier.
"Hello, who is it that is trying to force his way into our back door?" asked the French commander.
"It is I, President Bush, Lord of all America," replied Bush. "I demand that you turn over Osama bin Laden to me immediately."
"We have no bin Laden left, it ran out last Tuesday," replied the French commander. "Would you like some fois grois instead?"
According to eyewitnesses, after several more denials, the President threatened to level the castle if the occupants did not give up bin Laden.
"You don't scare me, so-called President Bush, you and your knee-bent-running-about Members of your Ca-binnnnnn-ay," the commander taunted. "Your father was a wimp, and your mother smelt of testosterone!"
At that moment, using a hidden catapult, the French launched a cow at the American forces. The President galloped to safety on Condi, but Vice President Cheney's mount, Scooter, was crushed to death while pushing his master out of the impact radius.
In a terrific battle, the President and his men launched a direct assault on Castle Aaagh, but the walls proved impregnable. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld attempted to wrestle the castle into submission, to no avail.
Calling for a retreat, the President regrouped and discussed the best plan of attack. CIA Director George Tenet, Cheney, and Rumsfeld, after reviewing the available intelligence, recommended that the President abandon the siege on Aaagh and instead attack the Castle Anthrax. They claimed that the castle was secretly hiding WMD, could attack the President's kingdom at any moment, and was a much better hard target than bin Laden.
"I have seen visions of the weapons myself, my lord," Tenet told Bush. "'Tis a slam dunk."
After a slight delay while the President looked for his coconut shells, they set out for Castle Anthrax. During the long journey, while trapped by snow in the high mountains, they were forced to eat Secretary of State Colin Powell's minstrel. An anonymous source reported that there was much rejoicing, but the White House denies that claim.
Upon reaching Castle Anthrax, the President and his men saw a giant mobile bioweapons facility high above the tallest tower. They charged immediately. Expecting to meet terrible resistance, they instead encountered a fortress filled with young women between the ages of sixteen and nineteen. Eyewitness reports even state that the American forces were warmly greeted as liberators.
The President insisted that the castle residents reveal the location of their weapons of mass destruction. The castle leader, a woman known as "just Zoot," stated that what the President had seen was their beacon, which was WMD-shaped. "Many others have made that mistake," she confessed, "including a Swedish fellow who stopped by a few months ago."
Ms. Zoot was referring to Hans Blix, the United Nations Weapons Inspector who was investigating Castle Anthrax until his beheading by a ferocious rabbit.
President Bush refused to believe that the fortress was free of WMD and ordered his men to remain in Castle Anthrax and the surrounding grounds until they found the weapons. He also refused to accept Ms. Zoot's compromise offer of severe, intensely monitored sanctions of spanking.
That change in the War on Terror has since led to a long, hard occupation of Castle Anthrax. The Americans have not uncovered any weapons of mass destruction despite invasive interrogations of the civilians. The aggressive actions of the Castle Anthrax residents have also distracted U.S. forces from their quest. American soldiers are routinely ensnared by Improvised Lingerie Devices and blown away by the fanatical blondes and brunettes, who sometimes converge on soldiers in groups.
The revelation of the Aaagh Report, as it has become known, set off a political firestorm. Democrats have condemned the President for abandoning the siege of Aaagh, with Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) describing the invasion of Castle Anthrax as, "a clear abuse of supreme executive power."
The White House claims the report is "speculative", with President Bush even calling it "misuninformed." Dealing with aggressive questioning from the media at a press briefing this morning, press secretary Scott McClellan refused to comment on the report and denied accusations that the White House was living in a fantasy world.