Hollywood is in a major slump in 2005. What’s causing more and more people to stay away from the theater?
10) Orlando Bloom not nearly as sexy without the pointy ears.
9) Spending two hours in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory felt like spending two hours in Michael Jackson.
8) Laid up by a bad case of the clap after too many wedding crashes.
7) Audiences never really clicked with “pay twice as much for movies that are twice as shitty as the originals” strategy.
6) Quantum suckitude of last Star Wars movie created dense repulsion field around theaters.
5) Most 40-year-old virgins now masturbate to naked starlets from the comfort of home.
4) Box office receipts directly tied to Nicolas Cage’s hairline.
3) Filmmakers no longer make feel-good movies about greased Caucasian men mowing down hordes of anonymous brown people.
2) If we want to sit in something sticky while paying $10 to see Rob Schneider humiliate himself, we’ll just go to Adam Sandler’s house.
1) Not enough puppet sex.