Inside the Oval Office, George W. Bush sits behind the desk, tossing pencils into the ceiling. Dick Cheney sits in another chair, polishing his handgun.
This sucks. Everyone hates me. No one listens to me anymore. And now I have to deal with those lousy Dem-o-Craps.
CHENEY (looks down the sight)
You should have handled it my way.
I didn’t want to be impeached, Dick.
CHENEY (mimicking Bush)
I didn’t want to get impeached, Dick. You’re such a Clinton.
Outside the window, there’s a flash, an explosion, and a squeal of tires. Footsteps come toward the door, and Karl Rove bursts through, wearing white overalls and goggles.
Mr. President, I’ve found a way for us to retake power!
Cheney rips off his suit to reveal a general’s outfit. He snaps the clip into the pistol.
Do you always wear that uniform?
ROVE (shakes head)
Never mind. I have a better weapon: a time machine!
You mean a clock?
No, sir, a machine that allows us to travel back in time.
They follow Rove outside to a Hummer parked in the Rose Garden. It’s covered with tubes, wires, and other machinery.
Have you been drinking again?
No, it really works. I just returned from a minute into the future and saw a bird poop on your head.
A splat of bird poop hits Cheney’s forehead. He fires at the sky and a bird falls to the ground.
My God, Rove. We can go back and fix all the things we fucked up with the election. Tell DeLay not to hang out with Abramoff. Or shoot that colored boy before George Allen can call him a macacca.
Heh, heh, cacca.
I have an even more ambitious plan. We go back to 1940 and get a Republican to beat Franklin Roosevelt. We then set a trap for the Japanese at Pearl Harbor and win World War II! The Republican president will be a god and can use his political capital to erase the New Deal...(lowers voice to a sinister growl) and with it, the Democratic Party!
Brilliant! I’ll take Franklin Roosevelt hunting and, (aims pistol) BOOM, bye bye third term.
Bush is already behind the wheel of the Hummer.
I want to drive the time thingee!
Sir, I don’t think that’s such a good idea. You’re, um, needed here.
I’m the president and I want to drive!
CHENEY (to himself while aiming at Bush’s head)
I always knew this day would come...
Rove grabs Cheney’s arm and pulls it down.
I already have a plan in place.
Rove leans in and punches the time settings. He hands Bush an envelope and a book.
Okay, I have you going back to 1940. I’ve written down everything you need to do. You’ll need this book...
Aww, a book! This plan sucks!
You don’t have to read it. Just follow my instructions. And remember, be very careful what you do. Every alteration of history can have dramatic effects on the future.
Bush accelerates in the car and disappears into a blaze of light.
In the middle of a lot with a series of tin shacks, the Hummer appears. Two men in tattered tuxedoes, top hats, and broken monocles watch drunkenly as the Hummer appears.
GOP BOSS (drunkenly slurring)
By jove, what is that?
It’s..it’s some sort of spaceship.
The door of the Hummer opens and Bush steps out in a yellow radioactive suit.
I come from the future.
Great Scott! What year?
2006! No, wait...(counts on fingers) 2007!
The Henchman faints while the GOP Boss cowers.
What do you want, O time traveler?
I’m looking for the headquarters of the Republican Party.
The GOP Boss waves his arms.
This is it. The bank foreclosed on our previous office. Why do you seek us?
I’m here to help you beat Roosevelt!
Roosevel? But how?
On a busy streetcorner, a newspaper boy holds up the latest paper. It shows a book: Unfit to Stand by the Unswift Polio Victims for Truth
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Group says President Roosevelt faked his polio for sympathy votes.
Bush and the GOP Boss watch from the corner as mobs of people snatch up the newspaper.
Excellent! Mr. Bush, I never would have thought of that. It’s ingenious!
No, it’s just genius. Well, my job here is done. Just get your man elected.
But sir, I...We want you to be our man.
Me? (he looks up and hears Rove)
That man will be a god...be a god...be a god....
I’ll do it!
A reel of The March of Time plays. Footage of German and Japanese soldiers appears.
In Europe and the Orient, tensions rise as Germany and Japan continue to act like the biggest roosters in the henhouse.
The reel changes to black and white footage of Bush landing on an aircraft carrier with the banner Mission Accomplished.
Meanwhile, President Bush landed at Hawaii’s Pearl Harbor today, where he dared the Axis powers to attack.
To Germany, and Japan, I say, bring it on!
At the President’s quarters at the Pearl Harbor base...
Mr. President, we have our entire fleet here massed and ready to attack. You’re sure the Japanese are going to attack on December 8?
BUSH (sitting in front of a radio and listening to the program intently)
Yeah, yeah, I’m sure. I learned that date in school.
But, sir, how could you have learned it....
BUSH (turning up the radio)
Hush, or I’m going to miss the end of Little Orphan Annie!
Annie cries out. Outside the house, there’s a terrible explosion and the sound of airplanes buzzing.
Wow! The sound on these old radios is fantastic!
An OFFICER rushes into the room.
Admiral, the Japanese are attacking!
But you said they wouldn't attack until tomorrow!
Aw, fiddlesticks. Well, no worries, boys, I know what to do.
On Capitol Hill, Bush addresses Congress...
Today is a day that will live in blasphemy! It marks a new beginning: the War on Fascism. And to win this war, we must strike at those countries that practice it. That is why I am declaring war on Spain!
But the Spanish haven’t attacked us!
Have you forgotten sir, they attacked Maine!
No, Mr. President, that was The Maine!
That’s what I said, duh!
The March of Time newsreel plays...
Six months into their invasion of the Iberian peninsula, American forces find themselves bogged down like a Spaniard after a pitcher of sangria. Today near Barcelona, five soldiers were killed by improvised explosive piñatas.
Footage shows a Nazi flag over Buckingham Palace
His conquest of Great Britain complete, Adolf Hitler today said he is determined to strike the United States...
Back in Washington, Bush clears some brush. The GOP Leader from before finds him.
Mr. President, the war in Spain is going terribly. Hitler controls nearly all of Europe. We have to pull out our troops and regroup.
But if we pull out of Spain, he’ll control all of Europe, won’t he, smart guy?
But Hitler says he’s about to attack us.
Pshaw! You can’t believe everything that guy says.
There’s a sound of planes overhead. They look up and see German planes dropping paratroopers into Washington, DC.
That’s not good...Hey, don’t worry, I know exactly what to do. I saw this movie called Red Dawn where the same thing happened. We just need a high school football team...
There’s a flash and a VW Bug appears. Karl Rove is behind the wheel. More flashes appear behind him, as German soldiers in time-traveling Bugs pursue him. Rove stops and throws open the door.
Bush climbs in.
Jesus, could you have screwed the pooch more? I would have been better off sending Bonzo back in time.
Sorry. Are we going home? Are the Democrats still in power?
You better pray they are, asshole. Thanks to you, the United States turned into Hitlerville USA. I’ve been all over time trying to clean up your mess. Hang on!
The car flashes and arrives back in the present, behind the White House. Rove stops and looks around.
No goosestepping...no schnitzel stands...and look, there’s Steven Spielberg going into the White House without restraints. Phew, we’re back. Okay, you go ahead and go in, I’ve going to jump ahead and make sure everything’s okay. And don’t tell anyone about this.
Bush gets out and walks to the front. He sees his father.
It’s about time. (Slaps him in the back of the head.) What did I tell you, be on time!
You have no idea how hard that was...
They walk into the White House, into the Oval Office. Bush sits behind the desk.
What the hell are you doing? The President sits there.
I know, duh!
From another door, Al Gore walks in. He stares at Bush behind the desk.
H.W. BUSH (to Gore)
I am so very, very sorry, President Gore.
Wha?! But...but I’m President!
No you’re not? You lost the election of 2000, George. Don’t you remember?
No, I won it. I’m president! Al, don’t you remember?
Okay, that’s it. Out the window or through the door, you two jokers are leaving.
He escorts them out of the Oval Office and makes sure they leave the White House. In the driveway, Dick Cheney, wearing a chauffer’s outfit, waxes the presidential limo, which is a hybrid.
Now, Dick, I expect a second coat of wax on there.
Just finishing the second coat now, Mr. President
Dick, don’t lie to me. Get that second coat on, and use the organic wax.
Why don’t you and your organic wax go fuck yourselves.
Good day, gentlemen.
He closes the door.
Do you want to tell me what that was all about?
Before Bush can speak, there’s a flash of light. Rove appears, this time on a tricked-out Segway.
Turd Blossom! Dad, he can explain everything.
No time, George. You need to come with me. It’s about your grandchildren.
Oh no...please tell me Jenna got married first.
She did...to 50 Cent.
He pulls Bush onto the Segway.
But how are we going to drive this on the highway?
Oh, where we’re going, there are no highways.
The Segway wheels rotate and the fly through the air before disappearing as “Back in Time” by Huey Lewis plays.
Does this mean Barbara married Jennifer Hudson?
I just had a ridiculous argument with someone who said if GWB had been around in the 1930s millions of lives would have been saved. I am skipping now going over to show this to him.
LOL, teh, nice one. I'm actually not sure what would bother Dubyah more.
J, I don't even know what to think about that. Let's just say it's that flickering 40-watt bulb thinking that provides unlimited fuel for this blog. It's like a perpetual stupid machine.
OB, glad you liked the piece.
There aren't enough exclamation points on my keyboard for this post.
Excellent, Brando. Truly excellent.
Excellent representation the the President and his staff.
I'm passing this link along
Thanks for coming by. Glad you liked the sketch.
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