Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Oprah Winfrey Leaves Earth for O: The Planet

CHICAGO – As the countdown approached for the final episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, much speculation was made about what Ms. Winfrey would do after ending the iconic program. It turns out her plans were out of this world.

Ms. Winfrey’s tearful goodbye was not just for her viewers, but to the planet Earth, as she announced her plans to leave for her own planet, GO-GRL-12954, which will be known as O: The Planet, located in a system near the constellation Orion that was also rechristened the O-lar System.

“I would like to thank all of humanity for being so very, very malleable,” Ms.Winfrey said. “I will miss my ability to influence you, from the books you read to the food you eat to the presidents you elect. And I would like to thank the Earth itself, for being so hospitable, for providing air to breathe, water to drink, soil to grow delicious food, and an atmosphere that is so warm and friendly to television broadcasting.”

Not only did the studio audience weep at the announcement, but so did the heavens, as massive thunderstorms unleashed sheets of sad, sad rain across the Chicagoland area.

However, the frowns of her studio audience soon turned upside down as Oprah unleashed one last surprise.

“The void of space is a lonely place,” she said, in a rhyme penned by her close friend, Maya Angelou. “So as I go far away starting today, I’d be honored if you’d colonize my new base.
“That’s right! You’re going to outer space!” Ms. Winfrey exclaimed, pointing her finger at the crowd. “And you’re going to outer space!” She repeated the phrase and finger pointing several more times before taking out her iPhone and entering a secret code.

The sets in the studio immediately reclined and turned into hyperbolic sleep chambers, used to keep the audience in stasis during the trip. The stage flipped over and became a command center, complete with a reclining leather captain’s chair provided by La-Z-Boy. Within minutes, the entire studio had been transformed into an interplanetary starship, the U.S.S. Harpo.

“Now let’s meet your crew!” Oprah said. She introduced Chief Medical Officer, Dr. Oz, First Mate Dr. Phil, and the captain of the Harpo, Gavin MacLeod, adorned in his costume from The Love Boat. “We blast off in T-minus five minutes,” Captain MacLeod announced, “so please use this time to visit the restroom or say a final farewell to your loved ones.”

Nearly all of the studio audience were thrilled. “I can’t believe I’m going to space with Oprah!” said Fern Rabinski of Northbrook, Illinois. “It’s like a dream come true.” When asked if she had any friends or family she was leaving behind, she replied, “None as cool as Oprah!”

Jennifer Drummond of Chicago was also ecstatic to go. “I was trapped in a loveless marriage with a couple of kids who took me for granted. Now I get to start all over on a brand new planet. My horoscope was totally right!”

A few audience members/colonists were not so gung ho. “Not that I would ever say no to Oprah,” said Laurie Wilson of Columbus, Ohio. “But I would have liked to have hugged my kids goodbye, you know? And I left my iPad in my hotel room.”

Another, LaVerne LaRoux of Gary, Indiana, brought up a practical point. “I love Oprah and all, but there are no men in this room, at least not straight ones. A girl’s got needs, and while I love my Oprah sisters, I don’t love my Oprah sisters, know what I’m saying?”

No sooner had Ms. LaRoux brought up the point of companionship than Oprah made one final announcement. “Ladies, there’s one final thing. I know you are leaving behind husbands and boyfriends, but I’d like to introduce you to something better. Say hello to the STED-MAN 3000!”

A fleet of humanoid robots emerged from behind a door, one for every member of the audience, and marched toward the seated members. “They are yours to keep and do what you like with!” Oprah said. According to the flyers that came with the STED-MAN, it was an advanced service/pleasure bot with a wide range of domestic, romantic, and communication skills, including confectionary, housekeeping, insect killing, “vibrational massage,” and listening. A cheer rose from the crowd as the STED-MAN models immediately began administering foot rubs and asking the audience how there day was going.

When asked about the nature of the planet and the starship, a U.S.S. Harpo spokesperson was not very forthcoming. The planet had been purchased from NASA for an undisclosed sum, and the starship’s means of propulsion was “proprietary information that we do not wish to give to our competitors, lest there be other talk-show planets springing up all over the universe.” Sources who wished to remain anonymous said that the White House had given Oprah top-secret documents on faster-than-light travel as a “favor for 2008,” but the U.S. government would neither confirm or deny that report.

As takeoff time neared, Oprah told her audience to strap themselves in. “Dr. Oz, take us out!” she cried.

“Darn it, Oprah, I’m a doctor, not a captain!” he replied.

All media and non-passengers were escorted to the launch area, as the starship rumbled to life and blasted high into the air, but not before writing “Thanks!” in a plume of white smoke.

In an unrelated story, hundreds of non-celebrities were killed due to severe burns caused by intense heat and flame.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Top Ten Tuesdays: Why are we withdrawing from the Republican presidential race?

10) Have actual skeletons in closet.

9) America not ready for bold plan to have White House gold plated and available for business conventions and bar mitzvahs.

8) Used war chest to snort blow off hooker’s chest.

7) Hate government so much that can’t talk about being president without giving ourselves a round-house kick to the face.

6) Totally thought that Rapture guy was right and wanted to shift focus to being president of Heaven.

4) Birth certificate lists us as being “spawned.”
2) Nervous that winning nomination would require to talk to a black man.

1) Failed to meet Constitutional requirement that the President have a pulse.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The kind of things I talk about at a child's first communion dinner, or why I am going to hell (part 467)

This past weekend I was at a dinner to celebrate the first communion of the daughter of an old friend of mine. I used to work with her and also with another couple who was seated with us.

While my friend and her daughter were making the rounds talking to guests at other tables, we got on the subject of Coldstone Creamery. My friend Goat said that three Coldstone's had gone out of business in their neighborhood. When TLB and I said we were surprised, Goat's boyfriend Guy said it was because the cops had found out about the glory holes in the bathrooms.*

This prompted Guy and I to create a new Coldstone creation, the Glory Hole. We decided that it should be a rectangular slab of ice cream, dipped in chocolate to make it hard like a bathroom stall wall. There would be a hole in the middle with a cream wafer sticking out, topped with a dab of whipped cream.

"And you can't ask for it," I said. "You have to signal the clerk that's what you want."

"Yeah, you have to make a couple of hand gestures and tap your foot," Guy added.

It would also only be available in the Gotta Have It size.

Lord only know what we'll talk about if we're invited back for confirmation.

*Greetings, Coldstone legal team! Please be aware that Mssr. Guy's comment about the presence of glory holes in Chicago-area Coldstone Creameries was a joke and not at all a slander against the clean, well-lit, handjob-free restrooms at your fine chain of ice cream parlors.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Top Ten Tuesdays: What special punishments are awaiting us in hell?

Special we're only human and that guy was a huge asshole edition!

10) Mandatory attendance at the alternative punishment festival, Hot Lava Enemapalooza.

9) Strapped to the Table of Endless Nipple Waxing.

8) Have to listen to every squeaky 12-year-old boy playing Call of Duty describe how they would have killed us.

7) Netflix queue only contains Gigli.

6) Every time Charlie Sheen commits a sin, an IED goes off in our scrotum.

5) Chained to a chair in the George W. Bush War on Terra Speechification Dome, presented in quadraphonic stereo.

4) Forced to work as a New Recipe Tester for Taco Bell, with no bathroom access.

3) A starring role in the Lucasfilm movie, My Dinner With Jar-Jar.

2) Imps in Satan’s furniture workshop turning us into a chair for Rush Limbaugh.

1) 72 virgins awaiting us are all guys from a D&D convention.