Sunday, November 01, 2015

Project Runaway Nuclear Weapons Program

Best of Circle Jerk at the Square Dance.
Originally published July 13, 2006.

Last week on Project Runaway Nuclear Weapons Program...

Tim Gunn looks over some old artillery shells that Saddam Hussein is presenting.

I understand what you’re trying to do, Saddam, and retro is very chic, but I’m just not feeling a sense of danger from these.

Saddam lets out an exhausted sigh and leaves the room.Tim Gunn gets in an argument with Kim Il-Jong.

I tell you, Tim, the missile will be the most devastating the West has ever seen!

Kim, I appreciate your ambition, but it’s the 11th hour, and you still have a lot of work to do if you’re going to get these liquid fueled boosters off the ground. We need less posturing and more engineering.

At Iran’s table, Tim Gun speaks with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadi-Nejad

Mahmoud, I like what you’re doing, I do. It’s a great blend of covert and overt. But you’re really going to need to sell this, you know, make the rest of the world see through your designs, but keep the seams of your weapons program invisible in the cloak of your nuclear energy program.

Cut to Tim looking around frantically.

Has anyone seen Saddam? Where is Saddam?

Fuck Saddam, where the hell are my centrifuges?

The runway studio. Heidi Klum wears a retro black 80s pants suit with a "No Nukes" T-shirt. Two men and a woman sit to her right. Saddam, Kim, and Mahmoud stand on the runway. Saddam holds some weathered artillery shells, Kim a small model rocket, and Mahmoud a centrifuge.

Welcome to the final edition of Project Runaway Nuclear Weapons Program. I am Heidi Klum, and I and my three judges will decide who has the best WMD in the world. The winner will get an exclusive contract with Russian and Chinese manufacturers of weapon parts, as well as bilateral negotiations with the United States government.

Joining me as always are designer Michael Kors (Michael nods) and Nina Garcia, Fashion Director of Elle magazine.


And this week, we have a very special guest judge, a man my sources tell me all three of you know very well...the father of Pakistan’s nuclear weapons program, A.Q. Khan.

Allahu akbar!

Saddam, we will start with you. I believe when we started this challenge, you made a very bold statement...

HUSSEIN (shifting from foot to foot)
Yes, I said that Iraq would rain fire down upon all infidels who set foot on her soil.

And what did you end up with?

HUSSEIN (looking down)
Some old mustard gas.

Saddam, what were you doing all that time? You had a decade to get something going. And what do you wind up with? Something my grandmother could buy on eBay.

I tried, but the U.N. sanctions....

Are we making weapons or excuses? You need to manage your time better if you want to make it in this business.

I agree with Michael. You talk and talk and talk about being this great power, but all that does is invite invasion. I also think you let all that attention from the United States go to your head. Hype doesn’t make plutonium.

Saddam, what did I tell you all those years ago? If you act like a devil, you will attract the attention of the Great Satan. With everything I gave you, I expected so much more.

HEIDI (turning to Kim)
Kim have a nuke, yes?

We have many nukes! And we are ready to unleash them on the West!

So that’s good, you completed the first stage of the challenge. But speaking of stages, what happened to your rockets?

After performing gloriously for 20 minutes, they heroically plunged into the sea!

Oh please, I’ve seen more stamina from 18-year-old underwear models.

But we have the weapons!

Yes, Kim, but it doesn’t do you much good to wear a terrific pair of pants with a big hole in the seat. That might be attractive to a German diplomat visiting Bangkok for six-way negotiations, but on the nuclear stage, everyone’s just going to see your ass hanging out.

Kim, you’re making the mistake I see lots of young weapons designers make. You focus so much on the radioactive material that the minute you have weapons-grade uranium, you think you’re finished. But it’s all about the accessories. You need delivery systems, fail-safes, and an aluminum Louis Vuitton for the launch codes. Never overlook usability.

There is an old Islamic proverb. “He whose rocket cannot fly cannot deliver his payload.” I am afraid there is not much lift in your boosters.

You are all wrong! I am Kim Il-Jong, and my rockets are fine! Look!

Kim lights the fuse on his model rocket, which sparks and then catches on fire. He frantically stamps it out. Two runway models strut out, wearing ripped up North Korean army uniforms and carrying fire extinguishers. They put out the fire and exit the stage.

Mahmoud. (He looks up.) Can you tell us what Iran accomplished during this challenge?

MAHMOUD (clears throat, speaks robotically)
We have enriched uranium for the purposes of civilian energy production.

KHAN (a tear runs down his cheek)
I remember when you were a fledgling Islamic republic, just trying to gain the respect of your neighbors like Saddam. And now, countries around the world are scared of you! (clasps hands together) It’s like I had always hoped.

I am impressed. Your civilian exterior gives the hint of a covert weapons program underneath, but everything is so seamless, I can’t tell where the centrifuges end and the subterfuge begins. That’s the kind of thing we look for at Elle.

Honey, all I can say is Bush is the violin and you’re Itzhak Perlman.

MAHMOUD (tearing up)
Michael, that means so much to me, even if you are comparing me to a Zionist fiddler.

The judges have decided, and now it is time for our winner. Iraq. (Hussein looks at her.) You more than ten years to get your program off the ground, and yet you can’t even inflict Gulf War syndrome this time. You’re out.

Saddam looks sad and leaves the runway. Two women dressed in stylish MP uniforms take him into custody.

North Korea. You went far, but like Icarus, you tried to fly into the sun without a good sunscreen.

As she address Kim, the red point of a laser appears on his chest.

HEIDI (cont)
Iran. No one knows what you have under your sleeve. It could be a Rolex, or it could be a detonator.

She pauses for dramatic effect.

HEIDI (cont)

Mahmoud breaks down into tears. Two muffled shots ring out and Kim collapses to the floor.

A State Department Official comes out and shakes Mahmoud’s hand.

Congratulations, we’d like to begin bilateral negotiations first thing Monday.

But we have nothing to discuss, our program is peaceful!

Everyone breaks out into a hearty laugh.

Thank you for watching. Auf wiedersehen.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Cthulhu Party Convention Ends in Unspeakable Horror

Best of Circle Jerk at the Square Dance.
Originally published September 18, 2008

INNSMOUTH - The national convention for the Cthulhu Party devolved into a chaotic, malevolent orgy of macabre rituals, dreadful atrocities, and cosmic disaster that ultimately failed to produce a nominee for the president of the United States.

Inside the black, Cyclopean walls of the Miskatonic University/Bank of America Sports Arena, the convention began on a positive note. Scaled creatures from the depths of the ocean, bat-winged abominations from the frozen voids of space, sentient pools of protoplasm, and human worshipers driven mad by the knowledge of these beings all entered to a jaunty, non-chromatic tune played on a choir of demonic flutes.

However, all eyes and other sensory organs focused on the Elder Things and Deep Ones. During the highly contested primary campaign, the two groups clashed over the presidential nomination. The Deep Ones once again argued for Cthulhu as the president, as they had since before the concept of democracy had been conceived by the races of man.

Breaking with tradition, the Elder Things instead threw their support behind the mad god Nyarlathotep, uniting behind the slogan “Crawling Chaos you can believe in.”

Both groups attempted to sway the independent Mi-Go delegates to their side, with the Deep Ones offering human sacrifices to the winged, crustacean-like creatures. The Elder Things decried this as bribery and threatened to feed the Mi-Go to the bubbling, ravenous, eye-covered Shoggoths if they didn’t cooperate.

Speaking through a possessed human interpreter, the Mi-Go responded, “We did not fly all this way through the black abyss of space-time to be talked down to by a bunch of beings with cilia for brains. So fhtagn you, we’re for Cthulhu.”

Amid gutteral, alien shouts of “Yes we Cthulhu! Yes we Cthulhu! Yes we Cthulhu!”, the octopod-headed high priest of the Outer Gods appeared before the delegation to accept his nomination. “My friends,” Cthulhu began, “it is time for us to put our aeons-old differences aside and instead join together, so we may return this planet back to its primordial values.”

The Elder Things staged an immediate slither-out, but not before several of their Shoggoths smothered and absorbed the pro-Cthulhu Louisiana delegation. An epic battle broke out on the convention’s non-Euclidean floor, as psuedopods flew, wings flapped, and mouths gibbered in a horrific maelstrom of cacophonic rage that caused CNN’s political team to go insane and flee the convention. Journalist Anderson Cooper was later found in a Manhattan Starbucks, dazed, bloodied, and screaming for “a skim latte with extra AAAIIIEEE!!!”

As the conflict intensified at the convention, the Sports Arena shook on the precipitous cliff on which it had been constructed, eventually breaking off and plummeting into the black waters of the thrashing sea, before Cthulhu could be formally nominated. While there is no confirmation of its fate, local villagers say they expect the Sports Arena to rise again from the sea sometime before the Super Tuesday primaries in 2012.

The ending was not all bleak and horrific, however. Although his nomination remains in tatters and his followers are presumed scattered along the ocean floor, Nyarlathotep did accept an offer to join the John McCain campaign as a consultant.

Thursday, October 01, 2015

Official Application for Republican Presidential Candidates

Best of Circle Jerk at the Square Dance
Originally published May 13, 2007. Now more appropriate than ever.

1. Name: _________________________

2. Occupation: _________________________

3. Name of yacht/racehorse/summer vacation compound:


4. How do we know your father? _________________________

5. Race:
a) White
b) Other (skip to end)

6. Gender:
a) Male
b) Other (skip to end)

7. Age:
a) Iron
b) Bronze
c) Stone

8. Religion:
a) Evangelical Christian
b) Christian that doesn’t hate gays (skip to end unless former mayor of New York)
c) Mormon but not too Mormon
d) Jewish (skip to the end, turn application over, and describe your qualifications for State and Commerce Department posts)
e) Muslim (skip to the end and wait for the authorities)
f) Athiest (skip to the end and go to Hell)

9. Martial status:
a) Married
b) Plurally Married
c) Divorced
d) Married, Divorced, Remarried
e) Married, Divorced as wife lay on deathbed, Remarried, Divorced due to adultery during Clinton impeachment hearings, Remarried, Divorced after name came up in madam’s black book.
f) Single, neat, white, and definitely not gay

10. Have you ever done drugs?
a) No
b) Only to close deals back in the 80s
c) Does inhaling the Holy Spirit count as a drug?

11. Please indicate your average household income as a percentage of GDP: ____%

12. Did you serve in Vietnam?
a) Yes (go to question 13)
b) I really would have liked to, but I had an MBA to get
c) I protected our shores against Viet Cong sneak attacks

13. Why did you serve?
a) Wanted to defend my country against communism
b) Dad couldn’t get servant’s son to swap lottery numbers with me
c) Really, really, really wanted to kill people

For the following questions, please select the answer closest to your own views.

14. I ____ poor people.
a) hire
b) hate
c) hunt

15. How do you view illegal immigration?
a) A complex problem that must be handled firmly but humanely
b) An excellent opportunity to undermine labor unions
c) Immigrants are actually demons tunneling in from ninth circle of Hell

16. What’s your view on global warming?
a) We have to take a careful look at possible man-made influences on the environment
b) Hard to see climate change due to smoke produced by my factories
c) What part of God saying he’d take care of the birds do you not understand?

17. Do you support a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage?
a) Yes
b) No, it should be left up to the states, except in cases where states vote to allow it, then yes
c) Only if it includes provisions for stoning

18. How do you feel about tax cuts?
a) They stimulate the economy
b) They stimulate my portfolio
c) They stimulate my loins

19. _________ are the best way to prevent teen pregnancy.
a) Condoms
b) Condemnations
c) Convents

20. What are your views on evolution?
a) I support it
b) I support it, but I also support people not supporting it if they will still vote for me.
c) I support stickering every textbook that mentions it.

21. How do you feel about the relationship between church and state?
a) They should be most cases...although, really, if a pastor wants to advocate a certain political party, what’s the harm?
b) Religious tax deductions are a sign that God loves us
c) I would like to put them in the same room, give them some mulled wine, put on some Psalms, dim the lights, and see what happens

22. Do you believe that Saddam Hussein had close ties to the 9/11 terrorists?
a) Yes
b) Of course, they were all Arabs!
c) The very nature of that question shows how much you hate freedom

23. _________ are America’s greatest enemy.
a) Terrorists
b) Communists
c) The Clintons

In 50 words or less, please describe why we can never leave Iraq. Your answer must include the words freedom, democracy, terror, and The Rapture:




Please check any potential scandals that you may have:

__ Draft dodger
__ Tax evader
__ Received illegal campaign contributions
__ Visited brothel
__ Used illegal campaign contributions to visit brothel
__ Smoked meth
__ Had sex with gay prostitute
__ Smoked meth while having sex with gay prostitute
__ Used racial epithets in my youth
__ Use racial epithets now
__ Cheated on wife
__ Cheated on woman who I cheated on wife with
__ Technically not born a man
__ Paid for an abortion
__ Performed an abortion
__ Was aborted but lived
__ Shot old man in the face on accident
__ Shot old man in the face after tracking him for three days
__ Took wife to sex club
__ Took wife to sex club for our anniversary
__ Went to sex club on anniversary without wife
__ Unable to read diploma from Yale
__ Voted Democrat
__ Have acted like a complete hypocrite in my private life

I hereby swear that the information presented on this application is true and correct unless some nosy, freedom-hating reporters prove otherwise.
Sign or make mark: _________________________

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Spot the persecution

Best of Circle Jerk at the Square Dance.
Originally published May 23, 2005

Many Christians are complaining about being persecuted for their religious beliefs. Are you? Take this handy quiz to find out.

For each of the following, select the answer that is NOT an example of religious persecution.

1. Because of our religious beliefs or identity, we have been
a) sent to the gas chambers
b) nailed to a cross
c) stoned to death
d) voted into office

2. When others found out about our religious persuasion, they
a) threw us in jail
b) threw us to the lions
c) threw us into slavery
d) threw us a nice tax break

3. In order to worship freely, have been forced to
a) leave our homeland
b) fight long, bloody wars
c) spend centuries crusading for our rights
d) find a parking spot

4. To inflict pain on us, our enemies have
a) burned us at the stake
b) stretched us on the rack
c) dunked us underwater
d) criticized us in an op-ed

5. When we have tried to pray, we have
a) had our tongues cut out
b) had our hands cut off
c) had our kneecaps broken
d) been asked to do so quietly so as not to disrupt class

6. Our churches have been
a) burned down
b) blown up
c) boarded up
d) given generous zoning permits

7. Our women and children are
a) being murdered by soldiers
b) being driven from their homes
c) being denied food and water
d) going back for seconds at the church picnic

8. In our government, we have
a) no representation
b) no legal recourse
c) no right to defend ourselves
d) no problem getting laws passed because we control the legislature

9) To support our faith, we are forced to
a) pass coded messages
b) meet in secret
c) expose ourselves to physical retribution
d) pass a basket around every Sunday

10) When we criticize the perceived decadence of society, we are
a) beaten
b) blackballed
c) censored
d) asked to host our own show on Fox News

If you answered a, b, or c to any of these questions, you have been seriously persecuted for your religious beliefs. You may even be a candidate for sainthood/martyrdom/a commemorative stamp.

If you answered d to all the questions, congratulations! You are able to practice your religion freely. But if you still feel your are being persecuted for your beliefs, please call 1-800-WHIN-ERS. A counselor will be on hand to help you pull your head out of your ass.

Tuesday, September 01, 2015

Ten Simple Rules for Graduate Students in the Evil Sciences

Best of Circle Jerk at the Square Dance.
Originally published February 14, 2008

Rule 1: Have a passion for evilSo many pursue evil science for the superficial reasons: power, wealth, and infamy. But while those rewards are ignoble, to be a successful evil scientist, you have to follow your heart and find true heartlessness. Most evil graduate programs are in lonely, isolated places—old castles, uncharted islands, under water. Those near populated areas tend to attract the scorn of the local citizens and the attention of authorities. Even the most evil of graduate students can’t help but feel a little bit alone and alienated. A true passion for evil will carry you through those rough spots until you can turn the tables on those all those bastards who said you were mad.

Rule 2: Select the right evil mentor, project, and laboratory
Finding the right evil mentor can be difficult, as they may be in hiding or incarcerated. Furthermore, nearly all evil scientists are selfish and untrustworthy, which tends to undermine the mentoring process. Ask around to see if the one you wish to work with will foster the positive learning environment you need to promote evil. Talk to henchmen, thugs, security forces, submarine crews, and even former damsels in distress.

The nature of the project is equally important. What is incredibly evil today can be laughably harmless tomorrow. Avoid selecting trendy research areas, such as Martian sciences and journeys to the center of the earth, which can become dated very quickly. Also, consider whether your project will even seem evil. A nude bomb or orgasmatron, while extremely evil to some voter demographics, may actually be embraced by others.

Finally, the laboratory should match your research interests. For instance, those interested in re-animation should look for dust, cobwebs, and Van der Graaf generators. Researchers in evil androids will want laboratories that look futuristic and, if possible, are made of white plastic. And doomsday graduate students will want to work as far away from their geographic subject areas as possible.

Rule 3: Independent, stubborn thinking is the stock trait of a true evil scientist
A scientist who solicits the opinions of others, listens carefully to their suggestions, and acts on the recommendations wouldn’t seem very evil. Always ignore the advice of even your closest comrades, particularly when they offer sound suggestions like killing a nemesis quickly and verifying his or her death.

Rule 4: Balance your evil life
There’s an old saying that an evil scientist who always works is truly mad. Take time away from the lab to balance out your villainy. Hunt humans for sport, open a mink farm, or work with your local city council to bring a Wal-Mart to your town. It’s all about balance.

Rule 5: Think ahead and develop your evil career early
To be an evil scientist, you have to let everyone know, early on, that you are a force to be feared and reviled. Work on your evil laugh, develop presentations that clearly express your deviousness, and demand sums of money that will be both shocking yet not inconceivable. Consider learning the audio-video skills needed to hijack broadcasting equipment to beam your message to every man, woman, and child, or look to outsource this work to a certified evil contractor such as a cable company.

You also need to think about what you plan to do with your evil research, if that field is lucrative, and if your current studies will fulfill those requirements. For instance, a career in Bond Villainy offers unending job possibilities, but also requires a multidisciplinary approach. Don’t wait to develop those skills until after you complete your studies, because by that time you will probably be wanted by the authorities.

Rule 6: Always reevaluate your work for its evilness
This may seem simple, but what is considered evil can change over time. A horrifying Brave New World can become an enticing brave new biotech investment option on the Nasdaq. Make sure what you’re doing inspires horror, not IPOs.

Rule 7: Find flaws in your research before the good guys show up
There is nothing worse than trapping your nemesis, cackling maniacally, and pressing a big red button, only to have nothing happen. Test your evil science constantly. Railroad yards, communes, and office cubicles provide endless sources of human subjects who won’t be missed and will probably go without a fight.

Rule 8: Share your evil genius with the world
No man is an island, and likewise no evil scientist should keep his hellish army of man-beasts on an island. Keeping your evil work to yourself is a crime.

Rule 9: Kill anyone who points out flaws in your research
While Rule 7 shows the importance of finding flaws in your research, it’s important that everyone a) knows that you are in charge and b) knows you are inherently evil. The sooner you demonstrate this, the better. The first time someone corrects or questions your work, it is vital that you kill them immediately in order to promote the productivity and focus of those in your lab.

Rule 10: Demonstrate your readiness for graduation by destroying your mentor with your work
Once all your research is completed, your critics dead, and your subjects killed or hideously mutated, you are ready to graduate. Gather your mentor and anyone else involved with your work and unleash your research on them. If they are also killed or hideously mutated, congratulations, you now have your Ph.D. in evil science!

But remember: be wary of evil doctorate students asking you to mentor them.