Monday, October 31, 2005

New Supreme Court Nominee Passes Speaking-in-Tongues Litmus Test

Officially accepts Bush’s invitation in Latin, Greek, and Aramaic

Judge Samuel Alito, pictured here with President Bush, acknowledges that a woman’s womb, "should be treated like WMD and carefully controlled by the government."

WASHINGTON — President Bush selected a new nominee to the Supreme Court today, picking conservative judge Samuel Alito to succeed retiring judge Sandra Day O’Connor.

Working frantically after the collapse of the Harriet Miers nomination, the President stayed up way past his bedtime last night, rigorously questioning Judge Alito before offering him the nomination.

"The President and Judge Alito covered a variety of legal and ethical topics," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "Once the President began to discuss Roe v. Wade, Judge Alito's eyes rolled back into his head and he began to bah like a sheep. The President felt that demonstration showed Judge Alito was sufficiently filled with The Holy Spirit to sit on the Supreme Court."

Unlike Ms. Miers, who lacked even kangaroo court experience, Judge Alito spent fifteen years as a judge and nearly thirty in public legal service. He is most noted for his philosophy of universally reducing the power of the government in every area except in people's private lives. His Italian-American heritage and conservative views of women’s reproductive rights earned him the nickname, "Il Douche."

The nomination immediately drew praise from conservatives who had lashed out at President Bush for the Miers nomination. Ann Coulter, columnist and perhaps the harshest critic of Miers, said, "I couldn't be more erect."

Political analyst Robert Novak, reached for comment at his crypt, said, "It is nice to see the President get back to the anti-women, anti-poor roots of conservatism." Citing "top government sources," Mr. Novak also acknowledged that Ms. Miers had withdrawn because she had attempted to buy enriched uranium from Saddam Hussein.

The most important approvals of Judge Alito’s nomination are coming from Republican Congressmen who had threatened to block the Miers nomination. Senator Trent Lott—after saying earlier this week that he hoped the President, "would look across the country and find the best man, woman, or minority that he can find"—expressed his approval of Altino, saying, "I am very glad the President went with my first choice, a white man."

At a prayer breakfast this morning for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Conservatives, Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas could not contain his enthusiasm, exclaiming, "Praise the Lord and pass the nomination." He then rubbed his nipples.

Democrats were noticeably downbeat about the nomination of a more strident conservative. Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, the Nevada Democrat, called Altino "too radical," just before Homeland Security officials had him gagged and handcuffed.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Mysterious World Series Curse Killer Strikes Again

Police Shocked by Swiftness of Crime

CHICAGO, October 27 -- Police and agents from the Federal Bureau of Investigation once again have an October murder on their hands.

One year after striking in Boston, the World Series Curse Killer has claimed another victim, the Curse of the Chicago White Sox. The attack happened last night on the city's South Side at approximately 10:30 p.m., after the White Sox ended an eighty-eight-year-old drought as baseball's champions.

"At this time, we don’t have any leads," said Captain Karl Leujinski of the Chicago Police Department. "We are completely flabbergasted that this happened."

Federal officials were called in once the Chicago White Sox reached the series. "Last year, we thought we might have been dealing with a lone incident," said Special Agent Peter Johnson. "Once these playoffs began, however, we started receiving tips and information that a similar incident could occur. Seeing as this matter now crossed state lines, the Chicago PD deemed it prudent to seek our help."

Members from the FBI's Behavioral Science Unit were present at Chicago's U.S. Cellular Field, searching for clues. While acknowledging that the agency believed the same killer was behind both the Boston and Chicago Curse killings, they were reluctant to label the perpetrator a serial killer.

"So far, what we do know is that the killer is male, he works very quickly, achieving his results within as few games as possible, and he shows a preference for American League targets," said Agent Johnson. He refused to confirm a rumor that the killer could be a designated hitter.

However, investigators are now reopening the case of the infamous New York Mets case of 1986 to see if that was the work of the same individual. "I can’t comment, but we are reviewing the similarities," said Johnson.

The killings have taken a large personal toll as well. Larry "Sully" Sullivan, a Boston native and close, long-time acquaintance of the Red Sox Curse, recalls how shocked he was by last year's brutal attack.

"All my life, I’ve been around the Curse, you know?" said Sullivan, his voice trembling with emotion. “You never thought this day would come where you couldn't see it no more. It was a part of us. And since it’s been gone, it’s can’t describe the hole that leaves, the void where you used to complain about your team and moan about the dumb front office and the stupid coaches. The Curse brought us together, made us feel special. Now we’re just like everyone else."

The murder of the White Sox Curse does not seem to have quite the same effect, as that Curse lived a more isolated, lonely life. But LaMar Harrison of Joilet, Illinois, a White Sox fan, still can't believe what he witnessed. "If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I’d say it was crazy talk. It makes me nervous. If the White Sox Curse isn't safe, no Curse is safe."

The FBI refuses to confirm or deny reports that the World Series Curse Killer has left a clue about his next victim, a red “C” in a toilet at U.S. Cellular Field. According to Agent Johnson, "We will get this guy before he strikes again. We are pursuing leads nationwide. It is my sincerely belief that next year, we will be celebrating the Series in Yankee Stadium instead of conducting an investigation in Wrigley or Jacobs Fields."

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Report Reveals Bush Had Bin Laden Cornered at Castle Aaagh

Elusive terrorist mastermind had help from French-speaking soldiers; Bush changed tactics mid-battle.

A still from a military spy drone showing one of bin Laden's accomplices at Castle Aaagh. The French government has denied involvement of their citizens, stating that "expert analysis of their outrageous accents shows the men were almost certainly from Quebec."

WASHINGTON, DC (AP)--For years, reporters and the public have questioned the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden and why the United States has failed to capture him. Now a new, formerly classified report leaked to the press corps offers a stunning glimpse of how close American forces were to capturing him--and how the War on Terror took a very different turn.

According to the report, comprised of CIA reports and songs from undercover bards, in 2003, the President--mounted on his trusty steed, Condi--stumbled across the isolated Castle Aaagh while moving through the Afghan countryside in search of al Qaeda. The President had been seeking the castle since it was mentioned in one cryptic communication from a source, identified by the government only as, "J of A."

Closing on the fortifications along with the Members of His Cabinet, the President saw bin Laden atop the battlements. The Saudi Arabian-born bin Laden, wanted in connection with the horrific 9/11 bombings, dashed out of sight and was replaced by a uniformed French soldier.

"Hello, who is it that is trying to force his way into our back door?" asked the French commander.

"It is I, President Bush, Lord of all America," replied Bush. "I demand that you turn over Osama bin Laden to me immediately."

"We have no bin Laden left, it ran out last Tuesday," replied the French commander. "Would you like some fois grois instead?"

According to eyewitnesses, after several more denials, the President threatened to level the castle if the occupants did not give up bin Laden.

"You don't scare me, so-called President Bush, you and your knee-bent-running-about Members of your Ca-binnnnnn-ay," the commander taunted. "Your father was a wimp, and your mother smelt of testosterone!"

At that moment, using a hidden catapult, the French launched a cow at the American forces. The President galloped to safety on Condi, but Vice President Cheney's mount, Scooter, was crushed to death while pushing his master out of the impact radius.

In a terrific battle, the President and his men launched a direct assault on Castle Aaagh, but the walls proved impregnable. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld attempted to wrestle the castle into submission, to no avail.

Calling for a retreat, the President regrouped and discussed the best plan of attack. CIA Director George Tenet, Cheney, and Rumsfeld, after reviewing the available intelligence, recommended that the President abandon the siege on Aaagh and instead attack the Castle Anthrax. They claimed that the castle was secretly hiding WMD, could attack the President's kingdom at any moment, and was a much better hard target than bin Laden.

"I have seen visions of the weapons myself, my lord," Tenet told Bush. "'Tis a slam dunk."

After a slight delay while the President looked for his coconut shells, they set out for Castle Anthrax. During the long journey, while trapped by snow in the high mountains, they were forced to eat Secretary of State Colin Powell's minstrel. An anonymous source reported that there was much rejoicing, but the White House denies that claim.

Upon reaching Castle Anthrax, the President and his men saw a giant mobile bioweapons facility high above the tallest tower. They charged immediately. Expecting to meet terrible resistance, they instead encountered a fortress filled with young women between the ages of sixteen and nineteen. Eyewitness reports even state that the American forces were warmly greeted as liberators.

The President insisted that the castle residents reveal the location of their weapons of mass destruction. The castle leader, a woman known as "just Zoot," stated that what the President had seen was their beacon, which was WMD-shaped. "Many others have made that mistake," she confessed, "including a Swedish fellow who stopped by a few months ago."

Ms. Zoot was referring to Hans Blix, the United Nations Weapons Inspector who was investigating Castle Anthrax until his beheading by a ferocious rabbit.

President Bush refused to believe that the fortress was free of WMD and ordered his men to remain in Castle Anthrax and the surrounding grounds until they found the weapons. He also refused to accept Ms. Zoot's compromise offer of severe, intensely monitored sanctions of spanking.

That change in the War on Terror has since led to a long, hard occupation of Castle Anthrax. The Americans have not uncovered any weapons of mass destruction despite invasive interrogations of the civilians. The aggressive actions of the Castle Anthrax residents have also distracted U.S. forces from their quest. American soldiers are routinely ensnared by Improvised Lingerie Devices and blown away by the fanatical blondes and brunettes, who sometimes converge on soldiers in groups.

The revelation of the Aaagh Report, as it has become known, set off a political firestorm. Democrats have condemned the President for abandoning the siege of Aaagh, with Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) describing the invasion of Castle Anthrax as, "a clear abuse of supreme executive power."

The White House claims the report is "speculative", with President Bush even calling it "misuninformed." Dealing with aggressive questioning from the media at a press briefing this morning, press secretary Scott McClellan refused to comment on the report and denied accusations that the White House was living in a fantasy world.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: New provisions in the Iraqi constitution

Now with extra freedom edition!

11) Government has complete authority to do whatever the US says.
10) The right of the people to make really cheap gas shall be encouraged big time.
9) Two-thirds majority required to ratify a jihad.
8) A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of the state, shall not be blown up.
7) Citizens shall receive a writ of habeas corpus or their next brutal interrogation is free.
6) Judiciary allowed to bestow official scapegoat status to Jews.
5) Government shall recognize the Kurds' right to breathe.
4) The President is empowered to negotiate own release when kidnapped.
3) Parliament shall make no law respecting establishment of religion unless so dictated by Allah.
2) No gay marriage.
1) Upon ratification, Iraq shall officially change its name to Dubyahstan.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Greenspan: Porn Inflation Triggering Rapid Devaluation of Money Shots

Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan warns that the ongoing international money-shot situation could "turn into a full-blown crisis that smacks us right in the face without warning."

WASHINGTON, Oct. 19--Testifying in front of a Congress deeply concerned about America wilting in the adult entertainment arena, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan stated that international inflation of pornography is causing a devaluation of on-screen ejaculations--more commonly known as money shots.

"After close, intensive, repeated study by myself and my colleagues, we have categorically found that the money shot is not providing the levels of stimulation it once did," Greenspan said.

Greenspan went on to blame the reduction of money shot potency on cheap foreign labor, most notably from Eastern Europe, as well as new Internet distribution methods that bypass traditional bricks-and-mortar merchants for home delivery. "This combination of market penetration and easy access has greatly reduced GDPP--Gross Discharge Per Penis."

For the average adult entertainment consumer, this devaluation means more money shots will be required to procure a satisfactory payoff for services rendered. "It used to be, back in the days of Deep Throat or Behind the Green Door, that you'd have a 1:1 or maybe 2:1 money-shots-per-scene ratio, and that was more than enough for most consumers," said Cock Hudson, star of such films as To Have and Have Again and Howard's Rear End. Hudson currently heads the industry watchdog group the Center for Universal Masturbation. "Now, with the Russians flooding the market with cheap semen, ratios of five- or ten-ejaculations per scene are becoming commonplace, and consumers are demanding even more. It's just nuts."

The biggest victims of this inflationary crisis are older adult stars who had counted on their previous output to propel them through retirement. "Pardon my French, but I'm fucked," said Ron Jeremy, star of such films as 21 Hump Street and To Live and Shave in LA. "I was counting on my splooge residuals from the 80s and 90s to carry me for the rest of my life. Now my retirement account is as depleted as my nutsack after filming Sgt Pecker's Lonely Hearts Club Gang Bang. These foreign guys are just pumping out jizz with little regard for current supply or standards. And our government is letting it happen."

Female performers are also absorbing some of the blows to the industry. "I'm working longer hours and receiving more money-shots than ever, but I'm making less and less," said actress Brandi Creams. "Five years ago, if you had told me I'd be getting five payoffs per feature, I'd have told you I'd be a rich lady. Today, an international star like Svetlana Slutinski gets five money shots per scene. We can't compete."

When questioned about the market saturation of foreign-made ejaculate, the Department of Commerce released this statement: "We are investigating the situation. Our hard drives are full of data and we will release our copious findings after more group analysis."

Hudson isn't counting on much government action. "There's not a whole lot they can do about the international distributors overfilling the market. Consumers like it now, but soon they're going to get very little bang for their buck. I know one recent film, Boris Ballsnakov's Backdoor Bimbo Blast-Off 37, delivered 42 money shots in one scene. At that point, it's actually more cost-effective to use your imagination."

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: Differences between Harriet Miers and a bowl of fruit

10) The bowl of fruit can tickle our taste buds.
9) The bowl of fruit cannot tickle the President’s balls.
8) The bowl of fruit will turn brown if left out.
7) The bowl of fruit will not overturn Roe v. Wade.
6) The bowl of fruit is less colorful than Ms. Miers’s wardrobe.
5) The bowl of fruit is more colorful than Ms. Miers’s résumé.
4) The bowl of fruit has inspired great painters.
3) The bowl of fruit has not inspired great protests.
2) The bowl of fruit is harder to have a secret conference call with.
1) The bowl of fruit is easier to swallow.

Top Ten Tuesdays: What are we doing while our wives are out of town?

Special Home Alone bonus footage edition!

10) Having a tea party with the cats.
9) Trying to get rid of crumpet stain on wife's dress that we were wearing during the tea party.
8) Playing enough video games to pull off difficult carpal-tunnel/epileptic-seizure power combo.
7) Accepting invitation from local sorority to be a judge at their dick-sucking contest.
6) Waking up next to an empty bucket of chicken after having the dick-sucking contest dream again.
5) Watching football nonstop until the announcers pause to ask us, “Are you going to wash today?”
4) Sowing some wild oats because we forgot to buy more cereal.
3) Going on a spirit walk after dinner of Cheez Whiz and whip cream.
2) Putting on the Lifetime Network for a few minutes, just to get a little estrogen in the house.
1) Remembering why we are glad we aren’t single anymore.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Misunderestimated: The George W. Bush Story

Coming sooner than you think to a theater near you...

No one believed he could be elected. No one believed it when he was.


Lewis Black as Richard Cheney

Skeletor as Karl Rove

Nicole Kidman as Laura Bush

Tara Reid as Jenna Bush

Lindsay Lohan as Not-Jenna Bush*
*Not-Jenna is a trademark of TBogg, Inc.

Bea Arthur as Old Scary Bush

The Donald as Donald Rumsfeld

Count Floyd as Paul Wolfowitz

Dave Chappelle as Condoleeza Rice

James Earl Jones as Colin Powell

Horatio Sanz as Alberto Gonzalez

Treebeard as Al Gore

Abe Vigoda as Joseph Lieberman

Steven Carrell as John Kerry

Bruce Willis as John McCain

The Norwegian Blue Parrot as Scott McClellan

Gary as Ken Mehlman

Crispin Glover as Ann Coulter

Rob Schneider as Jeff Gannon

and featuring
William J. LePetomaine
as President George W. Bush

Directed by Leni Riefenstahl

Written by George Orwell

Produced by William Renquist, Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, Saundra Day O’Connor, Anthony Kennedy, and Katherine Harris

Praise for Misunderestimated

"Heh, Indeed." — Instapundit

"As compelling as the life of Christ." — Michael Medved

"I masturbated four times." — Sean Hannity

"This movie made me higher than a kite." — Rush Limbaugh

"Best! Movie!! Ever!!!" — Harriet Miers

"My opinion on this movie will be shaped by the law of the United States." — Chief Justice John Roberts

"Lewis Black? Go fuck yourself!" — Dick Cheney

Rated NS-RT

Not suitable for anyone with an IQ over room temperature.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: How did we squander our political capital?

Sequel to the best-selling original Top Ten Tuesday list!

10) Gave our most fervent followers too much batshit, not enough crazy.
9) Extended shooting schedule on expensive remake of Alexander the Great’s march through Persia.
8) Ran up our uncle’s credit card.
7) Invested in risky not-giving-a-shit-about-black-people futures.
6) Racked up a lot of frequent flier miles to Crawford.
5) Spent stupid money on intelligent design.
4) Got hit with extra roaming charges from extended conversations about CIA identities.
3) Paid up after picking wrong nut in Axis of Evil shell game.
2) Received huge bill to clean up Santorum after getting DeLayed.
1) Incurred four years of interest after not paying back the guy who loaned us that capital.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Yog Sothoth

Via Maud Newton:

A spot-on parody of Jack Chick's zapf-dingbats-Bible-thumping cartoons and H.P. Lovecraft. More fun that a bucket full of 20-sided dice.

I will be getting off my ass blogging more this week.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: Why have our movies been tanking at the box office?

Hollywood is in a major slump in 2005. What’s causing more and more people to stay away from the theater?

10) Orlando Bloom not nearly as sexy without the pointy ears.

9) Spending two hours in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory felt like spending two hours in Michael Jackson.

8) Laid up by a bad case of the clap after too many wedding crashes.

7) Audiences never really clicked with “pay twice as much for movies that are twice as shitty as the originals” strategy.

6) Quantum suckitude of last Star Wars movie created dense repulsion field around theaters.

5) Most 40-year-old virgins now masturbate to naked starlets from the comfort of home.

4) Box office receipts directly tied to Nicolas Cage’s hairline.

3) Filmmakers no longer make feel-good movies about greased Caucasian men mowing down hordes of anonymous brown people.

2) If we want to sit in something sticky while paying $10 to see Rob Schneider humiliate himself, we’ll just go to Adam Sandler’s house.

1) Not enough puppet sex.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Unlike Tom DeLay, I've never been indicted

A CJSD guest editorial by a Ham Sandwich

“A good prosecutor can indict a ham sandwich.”

That’s what a lot of conservative pundits are saying about Tom DeLay’s indictments. The implication is that indictments mean nothing, since you could theoretically indict me.

Frankly, these DeLay apologists are full of bologna.

For the record, I have never been indicted of anything. My father, who was also a ham sandwich, was never indicted. My grandfather, his father, his father’s father...all ham sandwiches, all clean. What about my sandwich friends? Let’s put it this way: the only reason they’ve ever stood before a grand jury was because there were catered.

In fact, no sandwich has ever been charged with a crime. It’s therefore an insult to the greater LMC (Lunch Meat Community) to compare us to a politician who is sleazier than an expired pimento loaf.

I’m especially bothered by the comparison because sandwiches have served this country loyally and honestly for generations. We have fueled legislative sessions, business meetings, school lunch programs, and late-night snack-attacks. Long before the Civil Rights Movement, the LMC welcomed breads of all creeds and colors, from the darkest Jewish rye to the lightest Protestant white. Even today, we continue to bridge the political gap in this country, providing sustenance to Republican and Democrat alike. We are America’s hardest working meal.

Certainly there are some bad lunch meats out there, even in my family. I had a Honey Baked Ham uncle who fell in with some shady Italian Salami. The Salamis told him they were going to make him into a sandwich, lured him to a lower Manhattan deli, and sliced him up. Some of my Corned Beef cousins were used by the IRA and later were destroyed in a Belfast apartment explosion. And I would never, under any circumstances, want to come in contact with Head Cheese.

But even these raw meats, growing up without the advantages of bread and condiments, have never been indicted. If no grand jury could find fault with them, would they press forward against a delicious, well-behaved sandwich? I believe they would pass the mustard and hold the indictment.

So to all you writers and commentators out there who have placed us on the same plate as Tom DeLay, ruining the good name of me and my kind, I’ve got two words for you:

Eat me.

The Ham Sandwich is currently employed as a deli industry lobbyist and was once considered a vegetable by Ronald Reagan.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

The Little Elian That Could

I wrote this sketch five years ago when I was going through the writing program at Second City, right after Elian was taken away by the feds and sent back to his father in Cuba. Since 60 Minutes broadcast an update on Elian this evening, I thought I'd dig this out. Hope you enjoy it, and viva la revolucion!

The Little Elian That Could

We're in a brightly colored room where pictures of Castro, apparently drawn by young children, hang from the walls. There's a large, comfortable reading chair with the Cuban flag painted on it in the middle of the room. COMRADE WINKY, a man in clown make-up and an olive green military uniform, enters and smiles. He is holding a book.

Buenas dias, boys and girls. Welcome again to Uncle Fidel's Super Happy Time Story Hour. I'm Comrade Winky. Today, we have a wonderful story about a brave little boy named Elian. It's a story about how our Uncle Fidel takes care of all his little worker nieces and nephews.

Winky sits in the chair, opens the book, and begins to read.

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Elian. He loved his daddy. He loved to play. And he loved to fight against capitalist oppression for his Mother Cuba and his Uncle Fidel.

As Winky reads, we dissolve to a Cuban beach at midnight. ELIAN stands next to his MOTHER, her face painted green like a witch's. Elian is crying.

Elian! It's time to go!

But I don't wanna. I want my daddy. I want my Uncle Fid--

MOTHER (raising her hand like she's going to slap him)
Don't say his name. Now get down to the raft. We're going to...THE UNITED STATES.


Cut back to Winky reading.

Elian cried all the way to the raft. He didn't want to leave his daddy and Mother Cuba. He didn't want to go to the evil land of the Americans, who ate little boys they didn't like and used their bones for toothpicks.

Cut to Elian sitting by himself on a raft. Two DOLPHINS swim around him.

Soon, Elian's mother and the other traitors to the workers of the world drowned in the boiling sea. Elian stood alone on the raft when two dolphins came to rescue him.

Elian! Follow us.

Don't be afraid, Elian -- we'll save you.

Elian stops crying and starts to laugh at the dolphins.

Okay, Mr. Dolphin. (He leans over and pets the dolphin.) Can you lead me back home, to my beloved Cuba?

DOLPHIN 1 (sinister)
Oh, don't worry, my sweet Elian. We'll take you home.

What Elian didn't know is that these were American dolphins, tools of the capitalist fisherman who steal fish from Mother Cuba's ocean. They took Elian to Miami -- to his wicked great uncle Lazaro.

Elian stands in the backyard of LAZARO'S Miami home. Lazaro, his face painted witch green, stands next to him, holding a gift-wrapped box.

Lazaro and the other bad relatives tried to trick Elian into being like them. But little Elian was too smart for them.

Go ahead, Elian -- open it up.

Elian tears open the package and opens a box. He pulls out a pair of Nikes.

Nice, eh, Elian? Go ahead and try them on.

Okay I will. (He starts to put them on and stops.) Wait, I cannot. These were made with the blood of the workers. Take them back -- and take me back to Mother Cuba!


Try as they might, Elian's evil relatives couldn't make him into a tool of the American capitalists. So they decided that if he wouldn't join them....

Dissolve to Lazaro and MARISLEYSIS, Elian's cousin, stand around a boiling cauldron.

Then they would eat him!

He didn't want the Nikes?

No. He didn't want the shoes, the Tonka trucks, the Teletubbies dolls -- he didn't even want to watch Stuart Little on the TV.

What?! What kind of boy doesn't want to watch Stuart Little.

A little boy who loves his Mother Cuba and his Uncle Fidel more than anything in the world, that's who.

Well, if we cannot break him, then we will BOIL him!

They laugh maniacally as we dissolve to Elian sitting in front of the television.

But little Elian didn't give up hope. He kept thinking about returning to his Uncle Fidel, returning to fight the exploitation of the United States. And because he was a good, loyal little boy, his wishes were going to come true.

BILL CLINTON (VO, coming from the TV)
I understand the pain of Juan Miguel Gonzalez. I also have felt the pain of separation from my children, when my daughter Chelsea left for Stanford....

Please, el presidente, please send me back to my Uncle Fidel.

Some smoke begins to form in the room. JANET RENO, dressed like Glenda the Good Witch, appears.

Who are you?

I am your Fairy Godcomrade, Janet. Do not be afraid, Elian. We will return you to Cuba.


Just remember to say the magic phrase: "There's no system like Communism, there's no system like Communism."


RENO (dissolving her voice trailing off into an echo)
You will know the time. And remember to hold your breath...hold your breath...hold your breath....

Would the Fairy Godcomrade be able to save Elian? Or would he suffer the fate of all good Cuban boys in the greedy clutches of America?

Marisleysis stirs the cauldron while Lazaro holds Elian above the steaming liquid. Elian, while stuggling to get free, remains calm in the face of danger.

MARISLEYSIS (cackling)
Just a few minutes more, and the pot will be ready. It's your last chance, Elian. Do you want to stay in the US

Never! I want to go back to Mother Cuba! I want Uncle Fidel!

Very well -- into the pot with you!

No! There's no system like communism! There's no system like communism!

The AGENTS, dressed in night assault gear, appear in a puff of tear gas. Maryisleysis and Lazaro choke, but Elian holds his breath and is unaffected. The agents approach the cauldron calmly.

AGENT (sounding stiff robatic like Robocop)
We have come for Elian Gonzalez. Please hand him over and no one will be harmed. Thank you for your cooperation.

Quick! Into the pot with him, Lazaro!

Please refrain from cooking the boy.

The agent draws his weapon assumes the pose from the famous AP photograph, his gun apparently pointed at Lazaro.

And so the agents returned Elian to Mother Cuba, where he was reunited with his father and with his Uncle Fidel.

Elian stands with his father and Castro.

Elian, you are a shining example for all children in our glorious motherland. For bravery above and beyond the call of duty, I present you with this box of cigars and official Cuban league baseball. Remember how your Mother Cuba never deserted you, especially when you are pressed into mandatory military service.

I won't forget, Uncle Fidel, I promise.

They embrace. We cut back to Winky.

WINKY (closing the book.)
Well, that's all for today, boys and girls. Remember, your Uncle Fidel loves each and every one of you. Tune in next week when our story is, "The Three Little American Bourgeois Pigs." Bye-bye!