Thursday, October 15, 2015

Cthulhu Party Convention Ends in Unspeakable Horror

Best of Circle Jerk at the Square Dance.
Originally published September 18, 2008

INNSMOUTH - The national convention for the Cthulhu Party devolved into a chaotic, malevolent orgy of macabre rituals, dreadful atrocities, and cosmic disaster that ultimately failed to produce a nominee for the president of the United States.

Inside the black, Cyclopean walls of the Miskatonic University/Bank of America Sports Arena, the convention began on a positive note. Scaled creatures from the depths of the ocean, bat-winged abominations from the frozen voids of space, sentient pools of protoplasm, and human worshipers driven mad by the knowledge of these beings all entered to a jaunty, non-chromatic tune played on a choir of demonic flutes.

However, all eyes and other sensory organs focused on the Elder Things and Deep Ones. During the highly contested primary campaign, the two groups clashed over the presidential nomination. The Deep Ones once again argued for Cthulhu as the president, as they had since before the concept of democracy had been conceived by the races of man.

Breaking with tradition, the Elder Things instead threw their support behind the mad god Nyarlathotep, uniting behind the slogan “Crawling Chaos you can believe in.”

Both groups attempted to sway the independent Mi-Go delegates to their side, with the Deep Ones offering human sacrifices to the winged, crustacean-like creatures. The Elder Things decried this as bribery and threatened to feed the Mi-Go to the bubbling, ravenous, eye-covered Shoggoths if they didn’t cooperate.

Speaking through a possessed human interpreter, the Mi-Go responded, “We did not fly all this way through the black abyss of space-time to be talked down to by a bunch of beings with cilia for brains. So fhtagn you, we’re for Cthulhu.”

Amid gutteral, alien shouts of “Yes we Cthulhu! Yes we Cthulhu! Yes we Cthulhu!”, the octopod-headed high priest of the Outer Gods appeared before the delegation to accept his nomination. “My friends,” Cthulhu began, “it is time for us to put our aeons-old differences aside and instead join together, so we may return this planet back to its primordial values.”

The Elder Things staged an immediate slither-out, but not before several of their Shoggoths smothered and absorbed the pro-Cthulhu Louisiana delegation. An epic battle broke out on the convention’s non-Euclidean floor, as psuedopods flew, wings flapped, and mouths gibbered in a horrific maelstrom of cacophonic rage that caused CNN’s political team to go insane and flee the convention. Journalist Anderson Cooper was later found in a Manhattan Starbucks, dazed, bloodied, and screaming for “a skim latte with extra AAAIIIEEE!!!”

As the conflict intensified at the convention, the Sports Arena shook on the precipitous cliff on which it had been constructed, eventually breaking off and plummeting into the black waters of the thrashing sea, before Cthulhu could be formally nominated. While there is no confirmation of its fate, local villagers say they expect the Sports Arena to rise again from the sea sometime before the Super Tuesday primaries in 2012.

The ending was not all bleak and horrific, however. Although his nomination remains in tatters and his followers are presumed scattered along the ocean floor, Nyarlathotep did accept an offer to join the John McCain campaign as a consultant.

Thursday, October 01, 2015

Official Application for Republican Presidential Candidates

Best of Circle Jerk at the Square Dance
Originally published May 13, 2007. Now more appropriate than ever.

1. Name: _________________________

2. Occupation: _________________________

3. Name of yacht/racehorse/summer vacation compound:


4. How do we know your father? _________________________

5. Race:
a) White
b) Other (skip to end)

6. Gender:
a) Male
b) Other (skip to end)

7. Age:
a) Iron
b) Bronze
c) Stone

8. Religion:
a) Evangelical Christian
b) Christian that doesn’t hate gays (skip to end unless former mayor of New York)
c) Mormon but not too Mormon
d) Jewish (skip to the end, turn application over, and describe your qualifications for State and Commerce Department posts)
e) Muslim (skip to the end and wait for the authorities)
f) Athiest (skip to the end and go to Hell)

9. Martial status:
a) Married
b) Plurally Married
c) Divorced
d) Married, Divorced, Remarried
e) Married, Divorced as wife lay on deathbed, Remarried, Divorced due to adultery during Clinton impeachment hearings, Remarried, Divorced after name came up in madam’s black book.
f) Single, neat, white, and definitely not gay

10. Have you ever done drugs?
a) No
b) Only to close deals back in the 80s
c) Does inhaling the Holy Spirit count as a drug?

11. Please indicate your average household income as a percentage of GDP: ____%

12. Did you serve in Vietnam?
a) Yes (go to question 13)
b) I really would have liked to, but I had an MBA to get
c) I protected our shores against Viet Cong sneak attacks

13. Why did you serve?
a) Wanted to defend my country against communism
b) Dad couldn’t get servant’s son to swap lottery numbers with me
c) Really, really, really wanted to kill people

For the following questions, please select the answer closest to your own views.

14. I ____ poor people.
a) hire
b) hate
c) hunt

15. How do you view illegal immigration?
a) A complex problem that must be handled firmly but humanely
b) An excellent opportunity to undermine labor unions
c) Immigrants are actually demons tunneling in from ninth circle of Hell

16. What’s your view on global warming?
a) We have to take a careful look at possible man-made influences on the environment
b) Hard to see climate change due to smoke produced by my factories
c) What part of God saying he’d take care of the birds do you not understand?

17. Do you support a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage?
a) Yes
b) No, it should be left up to the states, except in cases where states vote to allow it, then yes
c) Only if it includes provisions for stoning

18. How do you feel about tax cuts?
a) They stimulate the economy
b) They stimulate my portfolio
c) They stimulate my loins

19. _________ are the best way to prevent teen pregnancy.
a) Condoms
b) Condemnations
c) Convents

20. What are your views on evolution?
a) I support it
b) I support it, but I also support people not supporting it if they will still vote for me.
c) I support stickering every textbook that mentions it.

21. How do you feel about the relationship between church and state?
a) They should be most cases...although, really, if a pastor wants to advocate a certain political party, what’s the harm?
b) Religious tax deductions are a sign that God loves us
c) I would like to put them in the same room, give them some mulled wine, put on some Psalms, dim the lights, and see what happens

22. Do you believe that Saddam Hussein had close ties to the 9/11 terrorists?
a) Yes
b) Of course, they were all Arabs!
c) The very nature of that question shows how much you hate freedom

23. _________ are America’s greatest enemy.
a) Terrorists
b) Communists
c) The Clintons

In 50 words or less, please describe why we can never leave Iraq. Your answer must include the words freedom, democracy, terror, and The Rapture:




Please check any potential scandals that you may have:

__ Draft dodger
__ Tax evader
__ Received illegal campaign contributions
__ Visited brothel
__ Used illegal campaign contributions to visit brothel
__ Smoked meth
__ Had sex with gay prostitute
__ Smoked meth while having sex with gay prostitute
__ Used racial epithets in my youth
__ Use racial epithets now
__ Cheated on wife
__ Cheated on woman who I cheated on wife with
__ Technically not born a man
__ Paid for an abortion
__ Performed an abortion
__ Was aborted but lived
__ Shot old man in the face on accident
__ Shot old man in the face after tracking him for three days
__ Took wife to sex club
__ Took wife to sex club for our anniversary
__ Went to sex club on anniversary without wife
__ Unable to read diploma from Yale
__ Voted Democrat
__ Have acted like a complete hypocrite in my private life

I hereby swear that the information presented on this application is true and correct unless some nosy, freedom-hating reporters prove otherwise.
Sign or make mark: _________________________