Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Top Ten Tuesdays: Revelations in tonight's State of the Union

Special extended fake applause edition!

15) Homeland Security searching for terror leads in Book of Revelations.

14) It is vital to the success of our operations in Iraq that the elite of America devote their time and energy toward recruiting the poor into the military.

13) All wombs must now be registered with the government.

12) The Iranian government has been trying to obtain large quantities of uranium from Iran.

11) Freedom is free, but only for the first six months, at which point interest rates are applied retroactively if there is an unpaid freedom balance.

10) President is authorized by the Constitution to use literal nuclear option on Democrats.

9) If Coretta Scott King taught us anything, it’s that we need more tax cuts.

8) The President and the Vice President will be heading down to Crawford to go fishing.

7) To ensure the accuracy of NSA transcripts, all Americans should remember to speak clearly into their phones.

6) New healthcare plan will be centered around piggy banks and discounted Flintstones vitamins.

5) President will introduce legislation for new emergency approval-point loan program.

4) United States will search for alternative energy sources by invading a South American country to be named later.

3) Problem of Social Security and hunger to be solved jointly in new Soylent Green Act.

2) For the last time, the President did not have business relations with that man.

1) The Union is in quite a state.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Friday funny boning

Found both of these over at anne_jumps. We start with the ranty...

a) The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005

I really, really, really wish I had written something like this:

31. Rita Cosby

Charges: Unholy pastiche of fearmongering and celebrity ringworm with the brain of a moth, the integrity of a tapeworm, and the appearance and larynx of a sugar-addicted, glass-eating drag queen.

Exhibit A: Her banter with Joe Scarborough kills children.

Sentence: Kicked in the nuts.
There is so much pure, concentrated rant to fill up on, one more wafer thin mint of snark would cause me to explode.

Then we move to the surreal...

b) The Perry Bible Fellowship Comics

Don't let the name or the seemingly innocuous main image fool you. There is some hilarious, twisted tomfoolery afoot here, such as:


Update: The Poor Man pointed me to an absolutely priceless parody:

Iraqi Invasion: A Text Misadventure

Iraq done as the game Zork.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

George W. Bush's to-do list

X Clear some brush

X Get caught up on back issues of President’s Daily Briefs (reading, yuck!)

X Teach Barney how to pee on McCain’s shoes

X Bring democracy to Iraq (ask around for ideas)

X Send Lieberman thank you note and bottle of Lenny Kravitz (that wine the Jews like)

X Find out if Pat Robertson’s God voice sounds like my God voice (if yes, kill Hugo Chavez)

X Give Mayor Nagin some speech advice

X Read NSA transcripts on Chuck Schumer

X Send Hillary some gag pre-stained blue dresses (make sure there’s no return address this time)

X Do the "pop the paper bag behind the back" joke with Dick again (remember to dial 411 if he stops breathing)

X Have memory chips wiped in the McClellan 3000

X Thank Harriet for playing along with the nomination "ruse"

X Look up meaning of "ruse" (check dictionary under leg of Oval Office desk)

X Get polish, rag, and shine box for Alito (I want to see my face in those loafers)

X Ask Magic 8-ball what to do about Iran, North Korea

X Talk to Jenna about perils of excessive drinking (keep straight face)

X Give L a bit of the ol’ Executive Branch (heh heh heh)

X Thank Turd Blossom for the "Executive Branch" line

X Find a special lady for Turd Blossom (Condi?)

X Find tape of me and Abramoff doing up Georgetown (check Jenna’s room)

X Call off invasion of Canada

Take Bin Laden seriously (time permitting)

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Vote to put me on the path to blogging immortality

Update: Sorry, my mistake, there's no Wampum just yet. I thought that you could e-mail your vote for the Kofaux awards, but they are just rolling out the blogs for consideration for "Blog Most Deserving of Wider Recognition," including yours truly.

Sorry if anyone tried to vote for me and had their chads dangling in the breeze.

White House Puts Friendly Face on Domestic Surveillance

Fights laws, checks and balances, and ethics with marketing

WASHINGTON - Facing growing controversy from numerous quarters about his domestic surveillance program, President Bush and his administration have launched a series of initiatives designed to make the surveillance seem less unconstitutional and more criminally cute.

Working in conjunction with toy manufacturer Fisher Price, the White House unveiled Fisher Price’s My First Wiretap, targeted at ages 4-6. The package comes with a plastic phone, earpiece bug and silly putty adhesive, twenty feet of string, and a can for listening to conversations. Expansion kits for opening mail and e-mail are in development and slated for Christmas 2006.

Taking a cue from McGruff the Crime Dog, the administration has also ordered 13 episodes of the cartoon, Buggy the Curiosity Fly. A comical insect with special night vision eyesight, Buggy spends each episode flying from wall to wall and using the information he gleans to fight terrorism. The premiere episode shows Buggy uncovering a conversation between two terrorists during an ACLU meeting, and each episode ends with Buggy uttering the catchphrase, “Help Buggy get all the buzz on terror!”

For adolescents, the White House felt something more edgy would be necessary, so the President and his advisors held a secret series of meetings with clothing company Abercrombie & Fitch. The controversial clothier came up with a series of apparel almost daring the government to spy on them. “I’ve got nothing to hide,” “Hope you liked my e-mail, G-Man,” and “Hey Uncle Sam, let’s make the phone sex a threeway,” are just some of the slogans that have been created.

“Combining detached irony with a kind of slacker conformity is really how one can control the millennial generation,” said Abercrombie head designer, Rufus Faust. “It’s like we’re saying everyone expects you to rebel against this unconstitutional intrusion into your private life, which is precisely why you shouldn’t rebel against it.” The first shipment of clothing has already sold out, with celebrities such as Paris Hilton sporting the t-shirts.

Cartoons and reverse rebellion were deemed inappropriate for adults, however, and the administration already had one television avenue for promoting aggressive intelligence gathering without respect for laws or logic, Fox’s 24. Instead, the President decided to appeal to the pocketbooks of his constituents.

The new “Friends and Family Surveillance Plan" allows U.S. citizens to enjoy free long distance when they talk to family members and acquaintances within their group, dubbed a “cell.” In exchange, the plan members give the National Security Agency unlimited access to those conversations.

Critics of the administration have blasted these efforts. “Calling this pandering would be an insult to panderers,” said Myron I. Relevant, of the left-wing think tank People Against Private Surveillance, Monitoring, Eavesdropping, Auditing, and Reconnaissance. “Even Miramax during the Oscar voting wouldn’t stoop this low.”

But many citizens seem to see nothing wrong with the efforts. “At first, I was kind of uncomfortable with Friends and Family, because I just didn't think it was right for the government to listen in on my conversations,” said Henry S. Pigeon, an accountant in Scranton, Pennsylvania. “But then I got my long-distance bill, and I saved enough to buy my youngest one of those My First Wiretap kits. And besides, like my teenager always says, ‘I’ve got nothing to hide.’”

Monday, January 23, 2006

Top Ten Tuesdays: Why is God angry with us?

Recently, Mayor Ray Nagin and Reverend Pat Robertson have suggested that God has been angry with various individuals and locations, including America. Why is God so mad?

10) Took communion 57 minutes after eating, instead of waiting the full 60.
9) Displeased with Republican attempt to offer the sick, poor, and elderly as a sacrifice.
8) Had his phone tapped by the White House.
7) Cross about having “love your neighbor as you love yourself” changed to “launch a pre-emptive strike on your neighbor before you suspect he might launch one at you.”
6) Didn’t tithe 10% of the money we got from Abramoff.
5) Insulted about having his Son transformed into a Savior that licks himself.
4) Couldn’t believe Brad left Jen for Angelina.
3) Didn’t receive his pre-ordered XBox 360 because of shortages.
2) Bush keeps bragging about how they're tight and they talk all the time when God's like whatever, talk to the burning bush, Shrub.
1) Snoozbar 7, Sunday Services 0.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Where's the funny?

Sorry for the lack of posting this past week. The Man has us trapped in a small, gray cell, held in place by kryptonite, aka work. Check back on Tuesday for a new Top 10, after which the standard stream of Bush jokes and profanity should resume.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Ah-nuld vs. Der Governor

After spending a little more than two years giving the Golden State a golden shower, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s political career looks like the tail end of his Hollywood one—an expensive flop that can’t go straight to video fast enough. But how does Arnold the Actor stack up against Arnold the Governor? We go to the tape to decide.

Spanish-Based Catchphrase
Hasta la vista, baby!

El deficit es muy grande! Que lastima!

WINNER: ACTOR. It’s the catchphrase that launched 1000 hacks.

Greasiest Body Part


WINNER: GOVERNOR. At least with greasy palms, there’s the potential to get something in return.

Ab Status
Six pack

Baker’s dozen

WINNER: PUSH. Six pack looks better, but doesn’t have the unintentional comedy of Will Farrell’s gut slapped on Arnold’s body.

Methods of Execution
Guns, swords, Tom Arnold jokes

Leaving the phone off the hook when the courthouse calls

WINNER: ACTOR. At the very least, Governor Schwarzenegger could be there to throw the switch and make a pithy comment. “Remember when I promised to grant you clemency, Tookie? I lied.”

Hunted by them

Haunted by them

WINNER: ACTOR. Back then, he only had to worry about one alien disappearing into the landscape.

Abortion Stance
Men should carry their fetuses to term

Still in development

WINNER: GOVERNOR. Staying out of the crosshairs of the Mother of All Issues is impressive. Junior should have been left on the doorstep.

Union Stance
Let me in!

Fuck you, assholes

WINNER: ACTOR. The union-regulated coffee breaks gave him plenty of time to juice up those muscles.

Most Ostentatious Display of Wealth
Jet he received as payment for Terminator 2

Maria Shriver

WINNER: GOVERNOR. You can’t put a price on nailing a Kennedy (unless you’re blackmailing one).

Worst Performance
Collateral Damage

California coffers

WINNER: GOVERNOR. Empty coffers don’t cause collateral damage to the frontal lobe.

Biggest Mistake
Planet Hollywood

Taking the job

WINNER: GOVERNOR. No one wins eating a $14 burger while sitting next to Ernest Borgnine's sweat-stained t-shirt.

Female Nemesis
Brigitte Nielson

Dianne Feinstein

WINNER: ACTOR. Feinstein may be a little red, but she’s no Sonja.

Status of Jim Belushi Relationship


WINNER: PUSH. The Governor would win if he extradicted the According to Jim star to Telemundo.

Identity Crisis
Am I Quaid, or am I Hauser?”

Am I a maverick Republican, or am I a GOP tool?

WINNER: ACTOR. As either Quaid or Hauser, he got to sleep with Sharon Stone.

Future Prognosis
The T800 needs wrinkle cream

Conan the Destroyed

WINNER: ACTOR. Although by the time Terminator 4 comes out, he may also need a little Viagra to complete the Rise of the Machines.

There's no contest here, we'd rather watch the Ah-nuld on the silver screen than on C-SPAN. Which proves a key point: if you’ve already worked with chimps, congratulations, you’re ready to be governor of California—or at the very least, mayor of Carmel. If you’ve worked with Jesse Ventura, you’re better off making The Running Man 2 than running for office.

A CJSD Original Rip-Off Production.

Top Ten Tuesdays: What else are we exaggerating for dramatic effect?

10) Number of #3 guys in Al Queda.
9) Power to stop the nomination of Judge Dreadful.
8) Invincibility of the Chicago Bears defense.
7) Right of the Executive Branch to do whatever it wants as long as the word “war” is mentioned someplace.
6) Size of our WMD program.
5) Size of WMD in our pants.
4) Level of intelligence in intelligent design.
3) How easy it is for a crack Counter Terrorist Unit to get infiltrated season after season.
2) Desire to bite the special interest hand that feeds us.
1) The truth in our “true life” stories.*

*Hat tip to the always truthful SER at BAF.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Nothing says I'm a virgin...

like this T-shirt:

Adorable Girlfriend over at Republic of Dogs already ranted about this (after spotting one being worn in the wild). What I find funny is that wearing a T-shirt like this almost guarantees you won't get a chance to "take a look" with any woman. The back may as well say, "P.S., Want to come back to my Mom's basement and watch me beat off into a sock?"

It also reminded me of the T-shirt I was wearing when I met my wife: a black Cure concert shirt from the Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me tour. The front had a giant fluorescent image of Robert Smith, sporting full medusa hair.

Some of you may say, But Brando, that kind of shirt is not heterosexual enough for me. Well, let me finish with the moral of the story: soon after being spotted in that shirt, I no longer needed the sock.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

We'll make sweet love...right after I save my game

This song by the comedy trio Tripod, "Make You Happy Tonight," hits a little close to home for me. If you play video games or, God help you, are involved in a relationship with a gamer, I think you'll get a good throaty chuckle.

Thanks to Webdanzer at the DSP Forums and Virtual Cantina for the link.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Are You a Supreme Shoe-in or a Conservative Castaway?

Find out with this Republican Nominee Confirmation Quiz!

You’ve been nominated to fill a vacancy in the greatest court in the world. But now comes the real trial: facing those mean liberal Senators and all their pesky questions that make your spouse and Baby Jesus cry. Will your confirmation seem more pro forma or pro boner? Take the quiz and tally your score.

1. How would you describe your feelings about affirmative action?
a) Minorities should have the same rights as everyone.
b) Minorities should have the same rights as other minorities.
c) Minorities should cream and buff your golf shoes with a fine chamois, chop chop!

2. Should gay marriage be legal?
a) That question is best left up to the states.
b) That question is best left up to the straights.
c) Gay couples give me the shakes.

3. How would you rule if the constitutionality of abortion came before the court?
a) I believe the principle of stare decisis indicates it should remain legal.
b) I am going to answer the question by saying "stare decisis" over and over again until you pass out.
c) I would rule against it based on the stare decisis of the Book of Judges.

4. When should the government be allowed to exercise eminent domain?
a) When such seizures benefit the entire community.
b) When such seizures don't affect my community.
c) When such seizures involve a woman’s womb.

5. What powers should the President have in conducting the War on Terror?
a) Only those explicitly laid out in the Constitution.
b) Only those explicitly implied, hinted at, inferred, or written in invisible ink on the Constitution.
c) Only the power to ignore the Constitution.

6. What are your feelings on the separation of Church and State?
a) People should be free to practice their religion, but not impose their religion on others.
b) People should be free to wish others a "Merry Christmas" without encountering the secular Spanish Inquisition.
c) The State should revive the Spanish Inquisition and give it a healthy tax break.

7. What types of speech should NOT be protected under the First Amendment?
a) Speech that directly endangers the lives of others.
b) Speech that directly causes me to blush.
c) Speech that directly endangers the political life of my Lord and Savior, George W. Bush.

8. How do you view laws that place qualifications on the Second Amendment right to bear arms?
a) As long as overall gun ownership is not banned, I will rule that restrictions such as waiting periods or local bans on specific firearms are legal.
b) I will only support such restrictions when they pry my gavel out of my cold, dead hand.
c) I’ll view them through the scope of a high powered rifle.

9. What are your views on capital punishment?
a) It should be abolished as it is not only cruel, but proven to be an ineffective deterrent.
b) It is an unfortunate but necessary means to punish those who can’t afford good lawyers.
c) Nothing makes my gavel rise like the thought of a good stoning.

10. Should we curtail civil liberties to combat terrorism?
a) Absolutely not—we’re fighting terror to protect our civil liberties.
b) Absolutely not for people of my race, economic strata, and political affiliation.
c) Your asking of this question tells me you should be detained for questioning.

Scoring and rankings

Golden Gavel—judicious, moderate, considerate... how did you even get nominated? Unfortunately, while Democrats will fall over themselves to confirm you, Republicans will likely piss all over your back and make sure the only bench you're waiting for is at the Greyhound station.

Jurist Prudish—even though you’ve got a bug up your bench and your judicial briefs in a wad, you seem more nance than Nazi. Congratulations on keeping your real opinions under wraps until after you’re confirmed.

Radioactivist Judge—adjourn to the nearest fallout shelter, because the nuclear option is about to hit. Your bench has too much (John) Birch and your rulings reveal too much Revelations. But cheer up! If you’re willing to to relocate, there's an opening in a legal system you'd be perfect for.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

A Million Little Reese's Pieces

The shocking, new, totally true memoir from E.T., the Extra Terrestrial.

"Much more honest than any other best-selling memoir you’ll read this year!" Kirkus

"I believed every word of it!" Judith Miller, The New York Times

"I laughed and I cried, so it must be real." Oprah Winfrey

"Now we know the real story behind the Spielbergian cover story." Oliver Stone.

Published by Double Day of Reckoning Press

This harrowing tale of addiction, friendship, redemption, and interstellar travel begins with a groggy E.T. waking up in a military lab, not knowing where he is, where he is going, or even what he is doing on this strange planet. All he knows are three things: that he is an Alcoholic, a chocolate and peanut butter Addict, and an Alien. Through the extraordinary friendship of two children and his own inhuman ability to conquer his demons, E.T. manages to not only "phone home," but dial straight into our hearts.


I wake to the drone of oxygen being pumped into my bubble and feeling something warm dribbling down my chin. I lift a hand to my face. My finger won’t glow, my skin is gray, my ass feels like it had a scientific convention inside it, and my bulbous eyes are swollen shut. I open them and I look around and I’m in some kind of Hospital or Lab. I’m covered in a colorful mixture of malt liquor, peanut butter, chocolate, and formaldehyde. There’s a pair of kids standing next to me. Blonde girl. Cute. Lispy. Boy. Brown hair. Whiny. Earnest, but kind of a pussy.
Where fuck is E.T.?
You’re in a military hospital.
How E.T. get here?
A doctor and a bunch of men in scary costumes brought you here.
We have to get you out of here!
Yes, before they come for you. We have to get you home!
Home. Now I remember. Phone home. Speak and Spell. Texas Instruments. Mom and Dad.
I try and stand. My legs give. It’s a short trip to the floor.
What’s the matter?
E.T. no walk.
Come on, just get to the flap.
Over there.
Far. E.T. no can do.
Lispy girl reaches into her pink My Little Pony backpack. Pulls out a flask. I drink.
Mmmm, Beam.
The whiskey burn takes the express to my stomach. Gray skin turns brown. My stomach glows. More Beam, more glow. I’ve got a bellybutton lantern going. My finger lights up like an inmate’s last cigarette.
I make it to the tent flap. Whiny kid gets his bike, lifts me into the basket. He hoists and I hurl over the side, just a little bile.
Bye-bye, E.T., Lispy Girl says. She takes a swig of the flask.
Bye-bye. E.T. come back when you 18.
Whiny kid peddles like a champ, like he’s Lance Armstrong. I’d tell him that, but the kid won’t know who I’m talking about for another twenty years.
There’s jeeps and soldiers and guns behind us. The booze is kicking in now, and I get us up over the trees and leave the assholes behind. Kid looks like he’s going to shit himself.
Don’t worry, kiiiid, E.T. not fall.
We touch down in the woods. Pine needles cover the ground like nature’s opium den.
Are they coming for you?
E.T. hope so.
You don’t know?
What if no one is here for you?
Shut fuck up and chilllll. They will come.
Lights. Bright. Sky. Down. Here. Ship. Opens. Mom. Dad.
Mom cries. What happened?
Long story, need 115 minutes to telllll.
She leans over and tries to give me a hug. I push her away.
Need get out of here, Mom. Men commming.
Dad pulls me. I turn to Whiny Kid. He’s not so bad, even if he’s blubbering like a girl. I give him a Glow Finger.
Be gooood.
Blast off. On the ship. I lie. Down. Dad talks.
You okay?
No, not okay.
Do you need anything?
Peeeeanut butter. And chocolate. In candy-coated shelllll.

Customers who bought this book also enjoyed these other 100% true memoirs:

A Million Little Pieces of Ass from Morgan Fairchild, Whom I’ve Slept With, by Tommy Flanagan
My Friend Leonard, Part 6, by Bill Cosby
Tuesdays With Royalties, by Mitch Albom
The Hitler Diaries, by Konrad Kujau
There’s a Sucker Born Every Minute, by P.T. Barnum

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Top Ten Tuesdays: What else are we doing with the stars?

Special expanded mid-season replacement edition!

15) Poledancing With the Stars (Fridays at Midnight on HBO!)
14) Procuring Transgender Escorts With the Stars
13) Going Straight to Video With the Stars
12) Fulfilling Community Service With the Stars
11) Losing Our Minds on Oprah’s Couch With the Stars
10) Holding Our Hair While Purging With the Stars
9) Filling the Emotional Voids in Our Lives Through Ostentatious Displays of Wealth With the Stars
8) Nancing About With the Stars (new on Bravo!)
7) Skating Around Infidelity Rumors With the Stars
6) Screaming Our Heads Off While Getting Waxed With the Stars
5) Whizzinating With the Stars (only on ESPN!)
4) Coming Up With a Cover Story for Our Sudden Weight Loss and Sallow Complexion With the Stars
3) Running California Into the Ground With the Stars
2) Reminding Service Staff Who We Are With the Stars
1) Begging for a Camera to Follow Us Around in a Last-Ditch Effort to Regain Even a Shred of Our Former Popularity With the Stars

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Bush Warns Iraqis: "Don’t Make Me Pull This Reconstruction Over"

WASHINGTON - In the harshest tone yet used by the President, George W. Bush today sent a stern message to the Iraqi people.

"I’ve had just about enough," said the President at a hastily assembled press conference. "Now you either knock it off, or I swear to my God, I’ll pull this reconstruction over and come back there.

"And believe me, if I do, you’ll learn the real meaning of insurgency."

First Lady Laura Bush, standing beside the President, whispered something inaudible into his ear. "No, Laura, we’ve already given them numerous time outs, and all they did was use them to build Improvised Explosive Devices."

The President began the journey with Iraq toward reconstruction in 2003. After some initial quiet, the Iraqis grew fidgety, then restless, then openly rebellious. Consulting with some prominent behavioral experts, the President tolerated this at first, believing that the backtalk, looting, and gathering of weapons would cease if he just ignored it.

Instead, the misbehaving escalated. Once the Shiites and Sunnis began hitting each other, the President lashed out, spanking both with machine gun belts.

Shiites and Sunnis protested the punishment, claiming the other had started it. Sunnis accused Shiites of hogging all the democracy, while Shiites said Sunnis kept hitting them with shrapnel.

"I don’t care who started it, I’m going to finish it," President Bush growled. "I have to listen to this crap every day. I get calls at work, bad reports, security forces showing up at my door at all hours of the night. I’m sick of it, and it’s going to stop! One more peep, and I’m taking away your allowance."

Reached for comment, Shiites scoffed at the President’s threat under their breath. "He can’t take away our allowance, he needs us to take out the trash. Otherwise he’d have to get off his stupid duff and do it himself.

"But don’t tell him we said that," the Shiites added.

Sunnis were even more defiant. "The old man isn’t gonna do shit," they replied. "What’s he gonna do, put Saddam back in charge? Ooh, we’re so scared." The Sunnis then high-fived each other.

While many place blame for the problem with the sassy Sunnis and Shiites, others believe the real blame lies with the Administration and their handling of the situation. Dr. Joseph "Skip" Riggins at the Institute for American Expansion believes that the Bush Administration enabled the Iraqi factions to become out of control.

"It’s a clear case of mollycoddling," said Dr. Riggins. "The Administration mollycoddled them during the invasion. They mollycoddled them during the building of the security forces. They mollycoddled them during the formation of a provisional government. Do you know what that makes them?"

"Mollycoddlers?" answered his colleague, Dr. Larry Hockett.

"Mollycoddlers," repeated Dr. Riggins.

Perhaps in response to such critics, President Bush reaffirmed his commitment to whipping the Iraqis into shape. "I don’t care if it takes all night. I don’t care if it takes all year. They will behave. And so help me, if they don’t, I’ll make them both join the Iraqi security forces. That’ll fix the problem."

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Top Ten Tuesdays: What New Year's resolutions have we already broken?

10) Quit eating fudge-covered Oreos on the treadmill.
9) Don't sing like a canary about DeLay even when threatened with prison Santorum.
8) Keep the cats sober.
7) Pay for reconstruction through oil revenues.
6) Put our Ohio State education to good use.
5) Suppress thoughts of hot pants and chaps while conducting mass.
4) Try harder to differentiate between the good brown people and the bad ones when dropping ordnance.
3) Stop drunk-dialing Cheney from the Oval Office.
2) Work while at work.
1) Be funny.