Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we preparing for a presidential run?

Special extended campaigning edition!

15) Rehearsing tearful adultery confession.

14) Hiding implications of tax plan from reporters by using lots of math.

13) Practicing the pronunciation of countries we plan to invade.

12) Learning not to reach for the sanitizer after shaking the calloused, leathery hand of an Iowa farmer.

11) Faking a choking incident when asked, “So how do you plan to handle Iraq?”

10) Conducting polls to see if the public will consider Boy Scouts “military service.”

9) Thinking of a name for the campaign bus that doesn’t use the words liberty, freedom, express, straight talk, or shaggin’ wagon.

8) Remembering not to answer, “commando,” when asked, “Senator, panties or thongs?”

7) Gathering hush money for everyone who was at that key party in ’77.

6) Keeping a straight face when we say, “The Republican Party is a friend of the black man.”

5) Earning Rush Limbaugh’s endorsement by giving him a Double Whopper with meth.

4) Hiring Dan Savage to create a slang term for “Brownback.”

3) Seeking the wise counsel of other Freemasons.

2) Setting aside the issues of Iraq, terrorism, global warming, health care, and the exploding deficit to focus on the greatest threat to our fair republic: gay marriage.

1) Relocating all of the bodies.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Friday CJ Random 11

It's one more random than 10!

Once again, only one song I rated actually showed up. It's like my iPod and I are living out "Master and Servant."

1) "We Can Work It Out," The Beatles. Life is very short/and there's no time/for fussing and fighting my friend. Too bad they couldn't take their own advice. Those who can't do, write incredible songs about what they can't do. This has my full day's supply of awesome.

2) "Other Dogs Remain," Robert Pollard. No songwriter in the last 20 years has written as many good songs or as many bad songs as the former Guided by Voices leader. Sometimes you get shimmering pop that makes you wonder how this man never became a household name. Other times you get stuff that sounds like it was conceived, written, arranged, and produced in the john. This is kind of in both camps, with a nice foundation but synths that seem bussed in from another song.

3) "Trip Through Your Wires," U2. I saw them on this tour (Joshua Tree). Say what you will about Bono, but I will not forget how he managed to make the vast Rosemont Horizon in Chicago feel very intimate. I don't think we got any Am I buggin' ya? I don't mean to bug ya that night, which probably helped.

4) "I Apologize," Hüsker Dü. A great slice of punk energy whapped in the knees by 80s production. The guitar sounds like it's in the next county and the snare tries to be tough but is way too refined, like it's extending its pinky while drinking a shot of whiskey.

5) "Super Baby," Matthew Sweet. DiMaggio! Sweet gets on base again for the fourth straight week, this time legging out an infield single. This has the opposite problem of "I Apologize"—he tries to sound gritty and edgy when he should be shiny and refined. Still pretty good.

6) "The Mary Martin Show," The New Pornographers. Three albums and I like every single one of their songs, a real rarity for me. This is great rollicking pop, with thick, sweet keyboard flourishes that are like Mallomars for your ears. They're the band I would most like to see live.

7) "Dash 7," Wilco. The quiet, sparse acoustic guitar and mellow, brilliant pedal steel guitar perfectly match the color of the winter morning sun coming through the window. I love moments like that.

8) "Spectacle," Velvet Revolver. I hate their band name but like the band, as 60% of Guns 'N' Roses is still better than 100% of most bands, including 100% of Stone Temple Pilots. Here's what I don't get about VR: they have Slash, Duff, and Matt Sorum from GNR, then add Some Other Dude from Some Other Band on guitar. Seriously, would it have been that hard to get Izzy Stradlin to join? What was he too busy doing? Waiting for Axl to ask him to play on Chinese Democracy? Shopping for more porkpie hats?

9) "Blood Free (Live)," Gang of Four. I only recently checked these guys out because all the cobag hipster critics say bands like Bloc Party borrowed heavily from Gang of Four. If by "borrowed," they mean "made enjoyable to listen to," I completely concur. You know, I can yell out of tune about how I feel lost in a faceless, shallow, materialistic society, too. That doesn't mean I'd want to buy my own CD.

10) "Gone for Good," The Shins. I tried unsuccessfully to sue the makers of Garden State because The Shins didn't change my life, as Natalie Portman promised they would. The lawyers successfully countered that The Shins had, because I had not previously filed a frivolous lawsuit. Very clever. This song is like Dash 7's happy, well-adjusted brother, with peppy steel guitar and a bouncy acoustic guitar melody. I'm good enough, I'm catchy enough, and doggone it, people like to play me. Also the first rated tune to show up this week. Thanks for throwing me a bone, Apple.

11) "Temptation," New Order. This song will always, always, always remind me of The Lovely Becky. Substance came out the year before we started dating, which tells you how long we've been together. The line No, I've never met anyone quite like you before pretty much sums up why we're still together.

And if that's too sappy of an ending this week, tough cookies. Like Samantha Fox once sang, naughty girls need love too. Except replace naughty with sarcastic, girls with bloggers, and love with to express their feelings in a straightforward manner.

Have a good weekend!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Poll: Bush Approval at All-Time Low Among Bush Family Members

WASHINGTON - A new Gallup poll reveals that President George W. Bush has the highest disapproval ratings in history among other Bush family members.

Only 28% of the Bush family members approve of his performance, while 58% “strongly disapprove” of his handling. Another 14% add that Bush “has completely fucked us out of being President.”

President Bush’s father, former President George H. W. Bush, was one of those who disapproved. “Our family has always bounced back from incredible challenges: dealing with Nazis; circumventing the Constitution during Iran-Contra; and losing to a draft-dodging, coyote-ugly-loving Arkansas hillbilly,” said the elder Bush. “But even our dynasty is not strong enough to withstand the mind-numbing incompetence and stupidity of my eldest son. Christ, I should never have gotten him out of Vietnam.”

The former President added, “Or told Jeb to give him the election.”

“Jeb” is Florida Governor Jeb Bush, the President’s brother, who played a pivotal role in the President winning the 2000 election. Governor Bush also appears to regret that decision as he voiced his disapproval of the President's performance and it's effect on his political fortunes.

“I wanted to let that asshole lose in 2000, but I let the old man talk me out of it. Jesus H. Christ, what was I thinking?” Governor Bush said, beating the sides of his temples with his fists. “If I tell Kathleen to give it to Gore, I’m in the White House by ’04 or ’08 at the latest. Now fucking Hillary or some Allah-loving negro is going to be president and I’m not? Only my dickhead brother could have pulled that off.” The governor then left to go on a liquor run.

The President’s 28% approval rating is even lower than the 31% Neil Bush received during his divorce, when details such as his paying for Thai escorts leaked into the press. Neil Bush also said he strongly disapproved of his brother’s leadership, but added, “Honestly, I don’t think he’s done that bad of a job. I just wanted him to get a lower approval than me. Yeah, eat it, Georgie Porgie!” Mr. Bush then offered the reporter a high-five.

Barbara Bush, the former First Lady and President Bush’s mother, was one of the few who approved of her son’s performance. “He’s a good boy who means well,” she said. “His approval sank after he was blamed unfairly for what happened in New Orleans after Katrina, when everyone knows those people don’t know how to swim. What are they doing living so close to the water?”

The President’s daughters were divided on their father’s performance. Responding via text message, Barbara Bush wrote, “dad=l4m3r.” She added, “Bcoz of him, no 1 will go out w/ me. They think im retard like him.”

Jenna Bush, Barabra’s sister, showed her support for the President via her text reply to her sister. “barb u r a retard and prood. daddy r0x0rs!!!!”

“J is a dumb slut,” Barbara immediately replied.

Perhaps the most telling sign of the President’s waning popularity came from Barney, the White House dog and historically a faithful supporter of the President. When shown a picture of his master and told to bark once for approval and twice for disapproval, Barney snatched the picture with his jaws, dropped it on the floor, and urinated on it before barking twice.

The poll's margin of error was plus or minus three martinis.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Top Ten Tuesdays: What are we revealing in tonight's State of the Union?

10) Every time freedom rings, and Iraqi gets his wings.

9) The infallible Word of God or whomever it is that keeps giving orders that only we can hear.

8) Secret code possibly revealing next country we plan to liberate. However, this code will only be available to members of Little Orphan Annie’s Secret Decoder Club.

7) A love for Dick Cheney that we can no longer keep in the cloakroom.

6) That we’re ready to get this Republican Party started! (cue House music)

5) A plea for all members of Congress to put aside their partisan differences and let the Executive Branch do whatever the fuck it wants.

4) In order to make health care more meaningful and affordable, old people will be allowed to die in peace and dignity, without the embarrassing interference of hospitals, doctors, or medicines.

3) The United States will curb the problem of illegal immigration by annexing the rest of the Western Hemisphere.

2) That we have a plan for winning the war in Iraq, reducing the deficit, providing health care to the uninsured, and curbing immigration.

1) That said plan is top secret.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Is it the beer?

I feel 16 again.

What a great day to be a football fan. My team killed and the Colts-Pats was one of the best playoff games in recent history.

During Chicago's 39-14 win over the Saints today, I started out drinking some Goose Island, Chicago's finest beer. The Bears went up 16-0. Around that time, I switched to this blueberry wheat ale I had in my fridge. Tasty, but not what one would call a very manly football beer.

I drank the first one, and the Saints drove down the field to make it 16-7 before halftime.

I drank the second one, and the Saints scored again on an incredible reception by Reggie Bush.

"I think my beer jinxed the Bears," I said to my friend Bob.

"You're drinking blueberry beer during a football game?" he asked. "What are you thinking?"

"You're right," I said. "I better switch back to the Goose Island."

I did, and the Bears promptly scored a safety and eventually added three more touchdowns. "I think it was my beer," I said. "I almost killed my team's mojo with my fruity wheat beer."

I will be drinking Goose Island exclusively during the Super Bowl. I will also a) not shave, as I did not today, and b) wear the same Bears hoodie that I wore today. I just can't take any chances.

Yes, I need professional help.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Friday CJ Random 11

It’s one more random than 10.

This last week, I’ve been using the iPod's rating feature to see if I can control my shuffles or if I am just my iPod’s gimp.

1. “2 Minutes to Midnight,” Iron Maiden. This is off The Essential Iron Maiden, which features three songs from the period where they replaced Bruce Dickinson—but not the Bruce Dickinson—with somebody named Blaze Bayley. Let me tell you, there is nothing Essential nor Iron about Blaze Bayley. Sidenote: it seems like a perfect time to revive 80s songs about nuclear annihilation.

2. “I Wanna Come Home,” The Bottle Rockets. I had an iPod mini for a couple years before I got my new iPod. The mini shuffle used to play The Bottle Rockets all the time. Even when I didn’t have The Bottle Rockets loaded onto it, which was very Nightmare on Elm Street. Now the new iPod is possessed too.

3. “Bend to Squares,” Death Cab for Cutie. Trevor Jackson recently took umbrage with those who think it’s cool to be over Death Cab for Cutie. I also say balderdash to the Cutie hataz. If emo managed to put thin slices of delicate between two slices of rock the way these guys do, people wouldn’t hate emo.

4. “The Perfect Crime No. 2,” The Decemberists. Slinky. Not the toy, the bass line. They have entered my “buy the next album, no questions asked” canon. My second favorite album of 2006.

5. “Tea in the Sahara,” The Police. Sting killed The Police’s legacy. Which is ironic since he created it. They were such a great band: the killer songwriting and the masterful playing and the punk energy and the way they explored the studio space like they do here. The Police brought it hard for five albums and smartly called it a day as soon as they fucked up “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” with that terrible remix. But no one wants to remember them because now it conjures images of Sting having marathons of oily Tartaric sex and lute playing.

6. “Luka,” Suzanne Vega. I met Suzanne Vega at my friend Bob’s wedding—which featured a wild night of karaoke. Someone went up to Ms. Vega and asked her if she was going to do a karaoke version of “Luka.” She looked like I would look if someone at a wedding asked me to write promotional copy for the wedding hall. Moral of the story: what’s fantasy camp for one person is a day job for someone else.

7. “Funky Kingston,” Toots and the Maytals. I’m not sure if hearing reggae music when it’s eight degrees out warms me with thoughts of warm tropical breezes or makes me want to slit my wrists...yep, it’s the latter. I’m going to record the Iowa version of this, “Funky Ottumwa.”

8. “Beautiful,” Smashing Pumpkins. If you’re going to record a double album, you better have a really good reason: a story about a deaf, dumb, and blind pinball wizard; so many good songs you have to put “Ten Years Gone” on the second disc; or your band is called The Clash. Billy Corgan did not fit any of these criteria when he made Mellon Collie and the Infinite Album Title.

9. “Back in Black,” AC/DC. I always get the Beavis and Butthead guitar sound in my head when I hear this. Dah, da-da-dah, da-da-dah. One of my favorite songs ever. Incidentally, lead singer Brian Johnson and his hat wrote a musical about Helen of Troy. Seriously. Which means David St. Hubbins and Derek Smalls must be in preproduction with Saucy Jack.

10. “Winona,” Matthew Sweet. He’s become my shuffle Joe DiMaggio. He hits a nice single to left with this one to keep his Friday shuffle streak going.

11. “Burning Sky,” The Jam. This was the only song I rated that made it into this week’s shuffle, and with it sneaking in at number 11, it’s almost like my iPod is giving me pity sex. At least it’s very, very good pity sex.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Up yours, Hickory High

Hoosiers is the quintessential sports movie and serves as a blueprint for the genre. A group of scrappy overachievers rally behind a curmudgeonly coach, overcoming incredible odds to win it all. Sports movies may add other artificial flavors and fillers into the recipe: ill-conceived love interests, ill-received Ben Stiller characters, or freakish hybrids of Adam Sandler characters that result in illness. But no matter what plot points are used to pad the second act, the climax almost always results in the undermanned and undersized squad triumphing over a team that has more talent, more size, and, in the case of Hickory High's foes, a lot more melanin. We the audience want that underdog to win every time.

Nobody ever writes a feel-good story about the other denizens of the Hoosierverse: the fans of the favorite, the people rooting for those underdogs to get squashed like grapes so that the parroting sports reporters can shove their feel-good story where miracles on ice don’t shine. As far as the audience is concerned, those assholes can fuck off and die.

Well, this weekend, I unfortunately will be one of those assholes fucking off and/or dying.

On Sunday, the Chicago Bears square off against the New Orleans Saints, also known as America’s/God’s/Vishnu’s/Branjolina’s Team. The airwaves are aflutter about how amazing it will be for the Saints—a franchise second only to the Chicago/St. Louis/Arizona/TBD Cardinals for ineptitude—to win the Super Bowl the season after Hurricane Katrina. That it would be an incredible ending for the 2006 season. That, as former Saints QB Bobby Hebert said on Mike and Mike in the Morning today, it would be the greatest ending in the history of sports. In your face, USA Hockey!!!

Now, I wish the city of New Orleans nothing but the best. My dear friends PJKM and her trusty husband/ghostwriter TMiddy went through the hell of Katrina. I want NOLA to get everything it needs to be restored to its former publicly intoxicated glory.

Against any other team, on any other day, I’d be right there rooting for the Hickory Saints. I am truly glad the Saints have had a great season. They and their fans deserve it. I lived in New Orleans in 1980 when the ‘Aints won only one game and the fans started the illustrious tradition of wearing bags over their heads to games. The 2006 season would have meant a ton to the city before Hurricane Katrina. Now, the meaning is off the charts. As Hebert asked, how can you not get swept up by this story?

Here’s how: If you’re a fan of the other side. I’ve been a Bears fan since I was wearing my Walter Payton pajamas, complete with footies. I’ve read George “Papa Bear” Halas’ autobiography twice, owned a copy of “The Super Bowl Shuffle,” played it willingly, and have waited 21 years for the opportunity to play it again without the cover of irony. If a giant comet was heading toward Earth and the only way humanity could be saved would be for the Bears to lose Sunday, I would think, “Hey, at least we’ll go out winners.”

In short, I don’t want the Saints fans getting their Muffuletta-stained hands on the Lombardi trophy. I have compassion, I have kindness, and I have charity. But this is football.

Still, I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. I thought the Philadelphia Eagles would do the dirty work for me. The Eagle nation were the perfect playoff hitmen. After all, there’s a reason they used to have a court below Philly’s Veteran’s Stadium. We’re talking about fans that cheered when Michael Irvin suffered a career-ending spinal injury at the Vet. Fans that booed Santa Claus. You don’t think they’d be at the state finals in Indianapolis, making fun of Dennis Hopper’s drinking problem while yelling, “Hickory dickory dock, Hoosiers can suck my....”

The Eagles almost pulled it off, but in the end, they couldn’t beat this team of destiny, in part because the ol’ Philly mojo apparently rubbed off on Saints fans—specifically their T-shirts:

So be it. Saints coach Sean Payton gets to play Gene Hackman, QB Drew Brees gets to play Jimmy Chitwood, and I get to play the role of Cobag Bears Fan #1. It’s not a role I’m relishing, but it’s one I was born to play. And let's face it, playing the bad guy is often more fun than playing the hero. I may even grow a bad mustache and throw on some blue and orange zubaz pants to get into character:

There is one silver lining to having an entire nation root against you: it has been a learning experience. Now I understand what it feels like to be a Yankee fan.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Top Ten Tuesdays: Why are we forgoing husbands?

The New York Times reported that 51% of American women are now living without a spouse. Why?

10) Gave other side a try after watching season one of The L Word.

9) More economical to pay cash for lawn care than to exchange it for 40 years of the missionary position.

8) Chocolates never ask for anal.

7) Don’t have to worry that the ficus will try to pollinate a younger fern with bigger leaves that are clearly plastic.

6) Smoke meth with a gay prostitute once, shame on you. Smoke meth with a gay prostitute twice....

5) Decided it was easier to raise kids without carrying another big baby.

4) After we put the Energizer Bunny in our rabbits, it was like John Henry versus the steam engine.

3) If we’re going to stroke something that hairy, it better keep our laps warm for more than 30 seconds.

2) Once they’ve been cut off for a while, they’ll be begging to be the First Husband.

1) Three words: No more SportsCenter.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Friday CJ Random 11

It's one more random than 10.

Here’s what blarted out of my iPod and mind today:

1. “Save It for Later,” The English Beat. I thought I once read that this song was about abstinence, but I don’t think that’s true. However, if it was, at least it would make abstinence catchy.

2. “Ramp of Death,” Steven Malkmus. There was a time I loved Pavement. Like listen to Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain on repeat love. But in the last few years, I feel like I’ve outgrown them, the way I outgrew D&D and Republicanism. Since all Steven Malkmus solo stuff sounds just like Pavement, but with a jammy, Phishy sheen, I think I’ve outgrown him as well.

3. “Boring,” Blink 182. Speaking of stuff you outgrow...Okay, confession time, I really liked the first two Blink 182 albums. They were catchy, harmless punk pop. Now they are hard for me to listen to. Especially because, as is the case here, they would do things like add sound effects to suggest horse fellatio. I will now be watching Site Meter for that search term.

4. “Do Ya,” Matthew Sweet. This is a cover of the ELO classic from the Late Night With Conan album. It lacks the chocolate production sprinkles of the original, which is both good and bad. At least it didn’t make me think of Conan O’Brien’s hair, until just now.

5. “Love Dance,” The Minutemen. Bands I’m Supposed to Like but Really Don’t, Part I. I love punk. I like noodles. I appreciate jazz. I do not love, like, or appreciate punky jazz noodling.

6. “River Man,” Nick Drake. Matthew Sweet and Nick Drake back-to-back weeks. My iPod is manic/depressive, much like its owner. This song is way too pretty for the death gray weather we’re having today.

7. “Carry That Weight,” The Beatles. One serious downside to the iPod shuffle is that it grabs stuff out of context. This is muchos awesomos but doesn’t work nearly as well outside of side 2 of Abbey Road.

8. “Secret Handshake,” Bob Hillman. This is the only artist on the playlist I will be having dinner with this evening. You should go to Bob’s MySpace page and hear some of his catchy, clever tunes.

9. “Ticket to Ride,” The Beatles. TLB dislikes The Beatles, to the point where we can’t discuss the subject because it results in Palestinian/Israeli-type clashes. So we have agreed to live in a two-state model. This song is one my favorites, mostly because of the awesome guitar riff.

10. “Cycles Per Second,” the dbs. Bands I’m Supposed to Like but Really Don’t, Part II. I only recently “acquired” this album, after seeing the dbs mentioned in reverential critical tones over the years. But I really don’t like their tone.

11. “Slow Turning,” John Hiatt. A fellow Hoosier! I was surprised to learn he was from my home state, because he didn’t have the tell-tale webbing between his fingers. Given that he’s probably rich from song royalties, he was probably able to have his professionally removed. I had to chew mine off. The phrase “Slow Turning” reminds me of that, because it was a slow process to turn my hands into something human-looking, instead of Black-Lagoon looking. One of his best songs.

Two weeks and still no Rush. That's more shocking for me than Jane's Addiction's Nothing's Shocking. I was also hoping for something relevant to MLK weekend like "Pride (In the Name of Love)", especially since my iPod is black. But instead my iPod is more interested in equine fellatio than civil rights. Maybe my iPod is Clarence Thomas.

Have a great weekend.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Doctors: Bush No Longer Able to Swallow Own Bullshit

President Bush during his address to nation on Wednesday, January 10. Sources close to the President remarked he was suffering "logic cramps" and "verbal diarrhea" from excessive bullshit consumption.

WASHINGTON - Medical personnel close to the White House told reporters that President George W. Bush is no longer able to swallow his own bullshit.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, the two doctors both stated that the President has lost his ability to digest spin, clichés, contradictions, catch phrases and other verbal ingredients that comprise bullshit.

“Three years ago, the President could claim a slurpee machine in a Baghdad Circle K store was actually an anthrax storage facility,” said one of the doctors. “You would see no blanching of the skin, trembling of the voice, or dilation of the pupils. He was ingesting and expelling copious amounts of bullshit as if it was honest-to-goodness truth.”

That is what led to the President’s current condition, said the second doctor. “We all swallow bullshit,” the doctor said. “But most people try to make bullshit a small part of a well-balanced discourse. The President has made it his fundamental source.”

According to discourse experts, the recommend “discourse pyramid” that promotes good, healthy discourse, while limiting bad discourse. At the bottom, the foundation is honest-to-goodness truth, discourse that is full of unbleached facts and strong strands of reason. Above that are passionate beliefs and strong convictions, which are also encouraged in generous amounts, so long as they rest on the honest-to-goodness truth foundation.

The two layers above make the transition from good discourse to bad. Selective reasoning, a staple of pundits, is allowed, but only in small amounts. Likewise, irrelevant comparisons, which can provide a short-term boost to arguments, are loaded with empty logic that can cause a “discourse crash” if overused.

At the top of the pyramid lies complete bullshit, which doctors say people should only consume very sparingly.

“Before the War in Iraq, the President was consuming moderate amounts of complete bullshit,” said the first doctor. “More than the daily recommended allowance, but nothing too unusual for a man in his line of work. After Iraq, however, he began gorging himself on bullshit, to the point where it replaced honest-to-goodness truth as the foundation of his discourse pyramid, contaminating all of his rhetorical byproducts.”

Dr. P.U. Frankfurt of the WTF Center for Public Discourse agreed with the assessment of the two other doctors, and remarked that, during his speech on Wednesday, President Bush showed all the symptoms of Irritable Bullshit Syndrome, or IBS.

“For starters, he admitted he made ‘some’ mistakes, long after anyone with two eyes and a brain stem could see he had made errors of judgment of colossal proportions,” said Dr. Frankfurt. “Usually you only see that level of IBS from addicts on their third or fourth intervention.” In fact, Dr. Frankfurt went on to remark, the only other politician to display such severe symptoms of IBS since the disease was first diagnosed in 1965 was Richard Nixon during the Watergate ccandal.

“Another sign of IBS was that President Bush appeared to be regurgitating his bullshit as soon as he was fed it,” Dr. Frankfurt continued. “Normally, one can process complete bullshit and excrete it more firmly, but last night he expelled it in its more watery and vacuous undigested state. That’s a sign of serious, advanced IBS.”

The two doctors close to the White House refused to comment on whether Bush suffered from IBS, but a staffer who was present at speech rehearsals described symptoms consistent with Dr. Frankfurt’s diagnosis. “They would give the President talking points, and he would just throw them right up,” said the source. “We filled two slop buckets with ‘freedom’ and ‘resolve’ alone. They had to give him a shot of sodium pentothal just so he could get through the speech.”

When asked for comment on President Bush's condition, the White House said the President was perfectly healthy and had simply been suffering from “a bad Gordita.”

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Top Ten Tuesdays: What Do We Suspect About Tucker Carlson?

Pundit and Pee Wee Herman impressionist Tucker Carlson recently got blogger and CJSD commenter Chuckles fired. Why? Because Chuckles mentioned Carlson came into the video store where Chuckles worked and because Chuckles did not threaten to do anything with Carlson’s personal information.

We here at CJSD Enterprises suspect Carlson interpreted Chuckles' non-threat as a threat because, as a conservative, Carlson becomes confused when people are telling the truth.

What else do we suspect* about Tucker Carlson?

12) In a fit of jealous rage, he once boiled George Will’s rabbit.

11) Wet himself when Bush threatened to "put that bowtie where the sun don't shine" after 1999 interview.

10) Frequently reenacted the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal with Paul Begala, with Carlson playing Monica.

9) Abhors all men who have bigger wangs than him, therefore abhorring all men.

8) Chopped down his father’s cherry tree and then immediately blamed "illegals from Puerto Rico."

7) Became a vampire when he left his bedroom window open for Robert Novak.

6) With each petty deed he does, a painting in his attic changes to show him shaking hands with prominent Democrats.

5) His bitterness and pettiness stem from being shrunk to miniature size during a childhood chocolate factory accident.

4) Now wears a bow tie on something else.

3) Will do anything for a tenth of a Nielson point.

2) Heir to the vast Massingill fortune.

1) Favorite movie: Dick.

*Disclaimer: all allegations, implications, and allusions regarding Tucker Carlson, however likely or probable, are fictitious creations of CJSD Enterprises and her sister companies: BET Entertainment, Sassypants, Inc., and Profane Existence Productions. Every post, word, letter, and pixel on this alleged blog are works of satire, in case the blog name didn't give it away. All legal actions and queries should be filed quid pro epsilon plurum up your bottom.

The Chronicles of Chuckles, Part II: The Little Dick vs. the Giant Wang

Read part I as Tucker Carlson battles our hero, Chuckles, a video story employee/blogger who makes the mistake of not threatening Carlson, then blogs about how not threatening Tucker Carlson got him fired!

Our story continues...

TUCKER CARLSON bursts into Lackluster Videos, smelling of fake tanner and Virginia Slims.

CARLSON (waving printed pages of the account of part I)
You think you’re so smart, Chuckles? You think you can write about me without my permission?

CHUCKLES, partially concealed by the shelving, turns to talk to him.

Um, yes.

Well think again, wise guy. Do you know who I am?

Yes, that’s why I wrote about you.

Right, er, well who told you you could know about me? Huh? Was it that motherfucker Begala?

No. I know about you because of your show.

Ah ha! That’s impossible, because no one watches my show!

Look, you win, okay. You got me fired. I really don’t have time for this, and your orange complexion and the Virginia Slims smell is making me kind of ill.

Oh, I have not yet begun to fight, asshole! I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!

You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?

Who told you that?

You did!

CARLSON (hesitates)
Quit dodging my question!

CHUCKLES (sighing)
Why are you bothering me? Seriously? You were popular and annoying enough once for Jon Stewart to go out of his way to mock you on your home turf. Your bow tie inspired a generation of repressed conservatives to keep their non-missionary-position fantasies locked under wraps. What happened?

CARLSON (tearing up)

Carlson opens up his pants. Chuckles, first glancing for hidden cameras, reluctantly looks.

I can’t see anything.

CARLSON (sobbing)
I KNOW! That’s the problem! Why do you think I hated Al Gore so much? It was that fucking Rolling Stone cover! And when Jon Stewart called me a big dick...I really wanted it to be true!

I get it now. It was my wang, wasn’t it?

Chuckles moves from behind the video shelves. An enormous bulge, the size of a medicine ball, extends from his pants.

CHUCKLES (cont.)
It made you jealous.

It did! I could sense it behind the counter. Everyone thinks I have it all, but the one thing I don’t have is a big wang. Look at it...

CHUCKLES (sotto voce)
I’m trying...

I feel like everyone who looks at me knows my secret.

I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but...Look, I forgive you.

CARLSON (wiping away a tear)

Yeah. Now I know why you cry, but it is something I can never do. I can't imagine going through life with what you have. But you have to not let your lack of wang eat you up like this. It’s like that old saying, it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean.



CARLSON (smiling evilly)
Thanks for the secret, sucker! Once I overcome my low wang esteem, I'll rule the world! See you on basic cable...NOT!

Laughing manically, Carlson turns and runs away, only to run smack into a pair of pants with a giant wang coming through the door. The wang pushes Carlson back into the store, until he crashes into a stack of tapes. The bearer of the wang finally emerges through the door: Keith Olberman.

OLBERMAN (looking down)
Tucker, for the last time, quit riding my jock. (Glancing at Chuckles) Nice wang.

The scene freezes.

Will Tucker Carlson continue to be the opposite of his genitals? Will Chuckles’s tarantula feast on obnoxious pundit flesh? Will The Daily Show step in to kick Carlson in his raisins? And will Keith Olberman give a job to Chuckles and his wang?

Tune in next time for the Chronicles of Chuckles, Part III.

You Like Me, You Really Like Me!

I just found out that the Seventh Annual Weblog Awards, or Bloggies, are going on. And the nominations are only accepted until 10:00 PM Eastern tomorrow, January 10 (there's a pretty big typo on the year, but it's tomorrow). I figure if Stephen Colbert can shill for votes, so can I, so if you're inclined, poke a Bloggie chad for your favorite blogs.

I humbly submit myself for the humorous category. I will also be heading over and casting a few votes.

Top ten later today.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Friday CJ Random 11

"It’s one more random than 10."

Santa deemed me a good boy this year, despite my intense hatred of freedom, and brought me a nice shiny Apple. And even though I know the only blogging theme more overdone than cute kitten photography is the iPod shuffle post, I feel inspired by the brilliance of Three Bulls Pants Down Smack Down of the Pitchfork best songs of 2006 list.

I’ll also make my random list more original by ripping of Spinal Tap (again).

1. “Not When I Need It,” Matthew Sweet. Matthew Sweet albums are like Saturday Night Live episodes from Hartman-Carvey-Meyers era. You know there will be tracks that are just brilliant, A-list stuff. But you also know there will be tracks where what was a good idea for 30 seconds gets dragged out for five, and that people this talented should know better. Thankfully, this song is one of the good ones.

2. “Heat of the Moment,” Asia. Uh oh, there goes my cred. Funny story: When TLB and I saw The 40-Year Old Virgin in a packed theater, we were the ONLY people who laughed at the two Asia references (one involving an Asia poster, one involving the appearance of this song). I love this song, there I said it (now I sound like Blue Girl).

3. “One More Time,” The Cure. Sweet fancy Moses, this song is now 20 years old. When I was 16, I had to move right before my senior year of high school and left behind my first serious girlfriend. I had this album, and this fucking song could make me weep over her like chopped onions. Then I met TLB and got over it. The moral of the story: Robert Smith should have learned to get over chopped onions by now.

4. “The Best of Jill Hives,” Guided by Voices. GBV is the drunkest band I have ever seen play. They were so drunk, it would have been embarrassing, had I not been drinking pitchers of beer straight out of the pitcher during the concert. I guess two negatives do make a positive. They were the best band in America from 1992-2002.

5. “In a Lonely Place,” The Smithereens. Another band like Matthew Sweet. A couple absolutely killer songs each album, then a bunch of stuff that sounds like xeroxes of those songs. Incidentally, Pat DiNizio will play in your living room, and this would be a very good song to hear him play.

6. “Last Fair Deal Gone Down,” Robert Johnson. One of these kids is not like the other... I think my iPod is trying to tell me something about the complexion of my music collection. RJ has the best bio of any musician ever.

7. “Seeing Other People,” Belle and Sebastian. I can’t hear these guys without thinking of Barry in High Fidelity yanking B&S from the tape deck so he can play Katrina and the Waves.

8. “Los Angeles, I’m Yours,” The Decemberists. There’s such a fine line between stupid and clever, Pt I: Context is everything with synthesizers. When you’re a hyperliterate indie rock band with prog aspirations, they are winkingly cool. When you’re an Englishman wearing a cape and playing mounds of keyboards stacked like Jenga blocks ON ICE, they’re as cool as Funky Winkerbean.

9. “Sunday,” Nick Drake. Like a lot of other yuppie scumbags, the Volkswagen commercial featuring “Pink Moon” introduced TLB and I to Nick Drake. It’s the best thing a commercial has ever done for us.

10. “Outsiders,” Franz Ferdinand. There’s such a fine line between stupid and clever, Pt. II: There are times when I think FF is Right Said Fred after RSF learned how to play music.

11. “Essence,” The Church. When I was in high school and college, CDs came in tall cardboard boxes with the plastic cases inside (kill trees AND fill landfills with plastic—I loved the 80s!). I used to cut out the cardboard covers and use them like posters. The cover to this album was one of my favorites because it had these cool panoramic pictures of the band at nice locations. Honestly, it’s a wonder I ever lost my virginity.

Whew, dodged the REO Speedwagon bullet the first time out! Happy Friday, everyone!

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Blogger Question: Buy the Beta Band or keep The New Originals?

I am tired of being pestered to try the Beta version of Blogger, so I'm thinking of switching this weekend and maybe giving This Ol' Bathhouse a fresh coat of paint. Has anyone switched over and completely regretted it? Anything I need to be aware of?

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Top Ten Tuesdays: What Resolutions Did We Make?

Special extra resolve edition!

15) Make absolutely sure we never forget the safe word again.

14) Put some stickum on before playing with our Nintendo Wii.

13) Ask Ethiopia for their secret recipe for military success.

12) Start going through Obama's trash.

11) Post clearly marked signs in the execution chamber that read, “No videotaping/flash photography/cans/bottles.”

10) Maximize chances for losing virginity by taking a binge drinker to the prom.

9) Post pictures on MySpace only when sober.

8) Tell friends to wake us up before we go-go driving.

7) Cut smoking by having a cigarette when a Republican says something intelligent.

6) Curb cinematic pollution by reducing noxious Ben Stiller emissions.

5) Throw passes only to players in Bears uniforms.

4) Keep mum about how we feel about Jews and black people when approached by Los Angeles police officers or high-fiving Central Asian “journalists.”

3) Win The Biggest Loser by starting a heroin habit.

2) Kick our heroin habit.

1) Upgrade military situation in Iraq from “completely FUBAR” to “total clusterfuck.”