Monday, July 30, 2007

So long and thanks for all the pork

Sorry for the lack of updates. The Lovely Becky and I have finally relocated to da UP. Last week was kind of a blur of farewells, last-minute stuff to do at work before I relocated my office to my house, and the actual move. I had a lot of random things I considered writing about, so I decided just to write randomly about things I did:

  1. Met three blog friends and plotted the takover of teh Internets wound up joking and drinking like we were old friends by night's end. The Internet--it's not just for boobies and cute animal photos with snarky captions. It's also a mechanism for meeting cool new people for completely nonsexual reasons.
  2. Had a conversation with friends about how much of one's penis has to penetrate for sex or "intercourse" to take place officially. My answer: 50% or more. The penis can only count in whole amounts. And yes, I've given TLB an excellent set up for a comment joke.
  3. Realized I was completely, utterly, bat-shittingly wrong about The Minutemen. I watched the documentary on them, We Jam Econo, with my friend Bob. It was like the scales fell from my eyes while pogoing to Damascus. I've been playing Double Nickels on the Dime religiously all week.
  4. Realized I was almost as wrong about The Simpsons Movie before I saw it. I thought it was going to be an aimless gag fest like the show has been the last few seasons. Let's just say they brought their A-game. Dianosis: hilarious!
  5. Enjoyed Bob singing to his son every night, so much that I am thinking about having him podcast it for me.
  6. Enjoyed the five-star accommodations Bob and SER provided while we were inter-moving refugees. We arrived to find not only that we had our own bathroom adjacent to our bedroom, but also robes and bottled water wating for us in said bathroom. We cannot thank them enough for putting us up and making our transient status so wonderful.
  7. Felt very sad to leave Iowa City. I thought about writing a long, probably overly sentimental post about leaving. But I realized that I could sum up how I felt pretty quickly: it's the most fun I've ever had anywhere. The friends we made and the experiences we had were life-changing. Leaving was tough, but leaving will never change what we got out of living there.
  8. Realized that even though I hated to leave, I was excited to embark on a new adventure with TLB. We are a team, and this move is great for her, which makes it great for me.

So that's it. We're setting up shop and moving onto Chapter 8 of the TLB/Brando story. As much as we loved Chapter 7, we have to keep turning pages to finish the whole thing.

And besides, I think Chapter 8 is when the threesome finally happens!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Top Ten Tuesdays: What changes are we making to Catholicism?

10) Introducing supersize communion option with 30% more salvation.

9) Changing guitar mass to Guitar Hero mass

8) Trying to add more life to mass by using a dead language.

7) Hiring P. Diddy to produce new "Rappin' Rosary" album.

6) Switching to more efficient metric system for confession penance (venial sin=1.52 Our Fathers).

5) Selling indulgences from Church to pay for indulgences of Church.

4) Relabeling “Protestants” as “Protes-Can’ts-Go-to-Heaven.”

3) Granting lifelong absolution from meatless Friday to anyone who doesn’t press charges.

2) Telling souls in Limbo, “You don’t have to go to Hell, but you can’t stay here.”

1) Excommunicating progress.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Friday CJ Random 11

It’s one more random than 10!

Tis my last weekend in The IC as an IC'er. So sad. But hey, what better time to play music than when you need a pick-me-up? On to today's playlist...

1) “It’s Only Rock and Roll,” The Rolling Stones. I am definitely more of a Beatles guy than a Stones guy, but it’s hard not to groove to this song. I like it when the list starts out with a classic, the way a good live show should.

2) “Seven,” Sunny Day Real Estate. The original emo kids who combined Robert Smith moping with punky ass kicking. This is a really good song, in part because it’s chock full o’ drum fills. I can never get enough drum fills. Other things I love, I can maybe get full of. Schnitzengruben? Fifteen is my limit. Sex? It doesn’t happen very often, but there are those times when I have to say Baby, please, I am not from Havana. But more drum fills? I’m like Oliver Twist: please, sir, I want some more.

3) “Ever Fallen in Love?” Buzzcocks. They took the buzzing energy of The Ramones and added a great British pop sensibility. “Orgasm Addict” is still my favorite (surprise) but this is a close second.

4) “Don’t Stand So Close to Me ’86,” The Police. They went Al Qaeda and blew themselves up with this terrible remake. All full of awful, from the cheesy drums to the plodding pace to the vocal deliveries. Should have been called "Don't Come so Close to Making Me Hate You '86."

5) “Stella Was a Race Car Driver and She’s Always Down,” Interpol. First things first, a great song from one of the best new bands around. It has a skittish verse followed by a strong, heavy chorus. Good stuff.

Second: earlier this week, Pinko and I got into a disagreement about Interpol and what makes them awesome. It doesn’t matter who’s right* and who’s wrong**. Instead, it illustrated one of the top five things the Internet was designed for:

  1. Porn
  2. Coordinating military counterstrikes after a nuclear war has severed central communications
  3. Funny cat photos
  4. Debating popular culture with religious-revival fervor
  5. Spam

6) “The World Stops Turning,” Ted Leo and the Pharmacists. He delivers awesome bursts of catchy, politically charged rock. One of my favorite artists to work out to, like listening to an energy bar when I need a boost. Which is quite frequently since I'm often weighed down by too many schnitzengruben.

7) “Keep the Car Running,” Arcade Fire. I’ve said it before: great group, terrific album (Neon Bible). But I had the misfortune of seeing a rerun of their Saturday Night Live performance. They played great, they sounded very good, but their lead singer committed two of the biggest rock sins in my book. During their first song, he played an acoustic guitar that had a political message on it, which is so Michael Stipe wearing 20 different slogan T-shirts to the MTV Video Awards. You want to get political, please do, but say it, don't spray paint it.

Then, at the end of the song, he smashed his perfectly good guitar into smithereens. Kids, listen up: smashing your instruments is over. It’s like swinging, a once-rebellious action that now just leads to a lot of head-scratching and irritation. Don't be a fool, protect your musical tools.

8) “To Live Is to Die,” Metallica. I’ve never soured so much on a band the way I soured on them. By the time they released Load (of Poop), they had transformed into the asses they had once tried to stick metal up. But this song is before that happened, a tribute to their deceased bass player (crushed by a bus!), a heavy, shifting nine-minute instrumental that floats my boat (shocking for me, I know). Around the 5:00 mark there’s a transition that leads to a weepy solo, before the band punch each other in the shoulders to keep from crying and start rocking again.

9) “Shatter,” Liz Phair. Speaking of career suicide, she went from awesome to Avril within 10 years. I don’t blame any artist for wanting to reach a wide audience—if you didn’t want people to notice you, you wouldn’t be on stage—but I never understood Phair’s utterly unsubtle attempts to be a radio friendly unit shifter. However, she will always have the astounding Exile in Guyville, which this is from, one of those great singer-songwriter albums where she fully displays her naked soul (and part of a nipple if you look closely at the cover).

10) “Dreams,” Fleetwood Mac. One of my favorite songs, a perfect blend of music and vocals. Rumors is one of those albums that shows you can be unbelievably popular and deliver the artistic goods.

11) “People of the Sun,” Rage Against the Machine. Another of my go-to workout bands, but sometimes they get me a little carried away. I can’t tell you how many muscles have been pulled because of “Guerilla Radio.” Usually it goes like this when a good Rage song comes on...

Me: Aw, hell yeah, bring that shit, boi! Let’s put some more plates on this mofo.

My back: Yo, yo, yo, you can’t lift that much, yo!

Me: Why you always hatin’, back? Quit oppressin’ my weight liftin’ dreams like the machine Rage is ragin’ against. Yo.

My back: Aight, don’t say I didn’t warn you. I’m goin’ have to pop one in your latissimus dorsi, dawg.

Me: Agh! I’m gonna need like traction and shit. Damn, back, you’re always right!

My back: Word.

Bonus video: I get infected with this song periodically, and one of my brothers e-mailed it to me this week. So once again I’m going around singing it. If you haven't seen this video, it will change your opinion of Justin Timberlake forever. I won't mention the title if you haven't, so you can enjoy the full joke, but it's not work safe.

Have a good weekend.

** Pinko

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Top Ten Tuesdays: What defective products have we purchased from the Chinese?

Special extra dangerous edition!

11) Trident Gumm, the only gum made from actual tridents!

10) TiVo that only records government propaganda

9) Soylent Puppy Chow

8) Chinese water torture kit that delivers relaxing forehead massage

7) Steel wool jockstraps

6) General Tso’s Tastes-Just-Like-Chicken

5) Not-So-Brite Toothpaste

4) Finger traps made from recycled glass shards

3) The all-wheel drive Destructo with optional driver’s side body bag

2) Fisher Price’s My First Human Rights Kit (missing a few pieces)

1) Misfortune Cookies that predict grizzly death*

*probably from Chinese products

Monday, July 16, 2007

Fox News Family Feud

A game show stage shrouded in darkness. An ANNOUNCER speaks.

Today, two groups of Fox News personalities will square off on the most Fair and Balanced game show in America....Fox News Family Feud.

The lights go up. There are two families. The Conservatives include SEAN HANNITY, GRETCHEN CARLSON, BRITT HUME, JOHN GIBSON, and MICHELLE MALKIN. Across from them are the Liberals, with only ALAN COLMES present.

And now, let’s give a big welcome to your hostess, a lady who’s got more balls than a major league batting practice...Ann Coulter!

ANN COULTER strides out in a pants suit.

COULTER (adjusting crotch as she walks on stage)
Welcome to Fox News Family Feud, the show that reports what we decide to tell Fox News viewers! Let’s meet our families!

She walks over to the Conservatives.

COULTER (to Sean Hannity)
I know this handsome devil very well! Ladies and gentlemen, Sean Hannity!

Couler reaches over to kiss him on the cheek, but Hannity grabs her and tries to kiss her lips. Coulter shoves him off.

Sean! Don’t make me spank you!

Please do! I’ve been so bad.

Just introduce your teammates, you boot licker.

HANNITY (composes himself)
From Fox & Fiends…(slaps his own cheek) sorry, Fox and Friends, the lovely Gretchen Carlson.

Hi! I heard Hillary is actually part of an Al Qaeda sleeper cell!

Next to her, the legendary Britt Hume.

HUME (twitching)

Author and host John Gibson

I’ve written a new book, The War on Christmas in July: Why Liberals Hate Our Summer Retail Sales.

And finally, the one-and-only Michelle Malkin.

MALKIN (twitching)

COULTER (moving to the other side of the stage)
And over on my left, Alan Colmes, playing for the Wusses.

Ann, how many times do I have to correct you? It’s pronounced “liberals.”

Here we go. Wusses go first. One hundred Fox News viewers surveyed, top five answers on the board. A number of high profile Republicans have been caught in sex scandals. What encouraged them to engage in these affairs?

I’ll say their suppressed sexual desires.

You would say that….show me suppression of sexual desires.

There’s a BUZZ as the answer board flashes a big red X.

Nice try, four eyes. (Moves to the other side of the stage.) Okay, conservatives, here’s your chance. What pushed these Republican congressmen down the path of sexual perversion?


Not yet, Britt! (to Coulter) We’re going to go with Clinton’s Penis.

Show me Clinton’s Penis!

The board DINGS and the top answer, with 100 responses, is Clinton’s Penis.

Wait, if that’s 100, what are the other four answers?

The board turns the other four spots over, all of which are blank.

All our viewers had the same answer, Alan. We just wanted to fool you. Okay, next question, for the Conservatives. One hundred Fox News viewers surveyed, top five answers on the board. Why are our borders flooded with illegal immigrants?

HUME and MALKIN (together)

Are you sure? Think really hard about your answer.

More Mexicans!

No, wait...the answer is Clinton’s Penis!

Let’s see Clinton’s Penis!

The board DINGS and Clinton’s Penis is the number one answer, with 100 responses.

Tough break Alan, but I’m sure you would have given me some nonsense answer anyway. Here’s your last shot. You have to get points here to get to the bonus round. One hundred Fox viewers surveyed, top two answers on the board. Why is John Edwards such a Brecht girl faggot pants?

Is that really the question!

COULTER (checking her cards)
Oops, you’re right, that’s a draft of my next column. Here’s the actual question. Who was responsible for 9/11?

Osama bin Laden.

Show me Obama!

The board DINGS and the second spot is Barack Obama with 49 points.

I said "Osama. "

COULTER (shrugs)
Yes, our judges accepted that, too. (Walking to Conservatives, who huddle together in a conference.) Okay, Conservatives, one more answer left. What’s it going to be?

HANNITY (breaking huddle)
We’re going to go with...Clinton’s Penis!

Flash me Clinton’s Penis!

The board DINGS and Clinton’s Penis is number one with 51 responses.

Since the Moonbats managed to score some points, they qualify for the double-bonus round. Conservatives, who’s going to go against Alan?

I’ll do it. I’m used to kicking his ass.

Hannity and Colmes square off in the center stage.

This next prize is a big one. Johnny, tell them what they’re playing for...

The winner of this round will receive...The White House!

A picture of The White House flashes on screen.

You’ll receive four to eight years in the most powerful political position on Earth, where you can spy on Americans, start wars, and treat the Constitution like a roll of Charmin.

A Diebold voting machine shows on the screen.

This fabulous prize is brought to you by Diebold, makers of fine electoral “voting” machines! When you need to win, you need Diebold!

Sean, play or pass?

I’ll pass.

Alan, here’s the question, and the top two answers are on the board. What is the greatest threat to American security in 2008?

COLMES (sighs)

Ten seconds. Right answer gives you the White House.

(pauses) I can’t believe I’m going to say it, but...Clinton’s penis.

That a boy! (to the board) Unleash Clinton’s penis!

The board DINGS and shows Clinton’s penis with 49 responses.

Oh, close but no White House cigar! Sean, here’s your chance.

Wow, for once I agreed with Alan. But if it’s not Clinton's Penis, it must be...(snaps fingers) Hillary’s Penis!

The board DINGS and turns over Hillary’s penis with 51 responses.

That’s preposterous, how can a woman have a penis!

Oh, let me show you, my peg boy! (She grabs Colmes's hand and presses it to her crotch.) That’s all the time we have. Tune in next week when the Conservatives square off against five scarecrows playing for the Liberals!

Friday, July 13, 2007

Friday CJ Random 11

It’s one more random than 10!

It’s Friday the 13th, the universal day of bad luck. Usually I ward off any potential misfortune on this day by doing something else that’s supposed to bring bad luck, like multiplying two negative numbers to get a positive. So after I took a shower this morning, I toweled off with a black cat.

1) “ Ambulance” TV on the Radio. An a-cappella song with a nice dum-dum-dum bass vocal and good harmonies. I’m not a huge fan of these guys, but I do like how they get creative with their vocals.

2) “Hemispheres,” Rush. Oh sweet Jesus. Eighteen minutes, six parts, and an album cover that’s even too fruity for Toucan Sam. The song describes a battle between Apollo (the god of reason) and Dionysus (the god of love and emotion) for control humanity. They fight until a guy who went through a black hole in a song on the previous album asks why they just can’t get along. There’s also a gong.

Trying to maintain any semblance of cool while saying you like this is like charging a German machine gun nest while armed with Nerf arrows. But I do like the music, especially Alex Lifeson’s guitar playing. So just fire away while my Underoos are caught on the barbed wire.

3) “Off the Record,” My Morning Jacket. A great song that manages to be catchy and unpredictable. It starts with a bouncy reggae rhythm which leads into a poppy chorus. Then the second half makes a left turn at Albuquerque into a hazy, druggy jam. The only thing it needs is some Greek mythology.

4) “As Wicked,” Rancid. This is the punky opposite of "Hemispheres," and yet I love it equally. I feel a battle brewing....

5) “Changes,” Yes. Today, on this mystical Friday the 13th, two gods fight for control of one man's playlist: Punkus, the god of attitude and keeper the Three Mystical Guitar Chords; and Proggus, bringer of extended solos and harbinger of abrupt time signature changes. They fight a titanic struggle, with Punkus launching wave after wave of two minute burts of catchy fury, while Proggus returns fire with double-neck guitars behind towers of synthesizers. Back and forth they go, until our hero, the god Chillus, arrives. He waves his Rod of Chillin’ and cries out, “Silence!”

To be continued....

6) “Welcome Home,” Coheed and Cambria. And Chillus did wave his wand, and said “Behold, I give you Coheed and Cambria, bringers of punky energy and deliverers of proggy noodling. See how they combine these two elements and deliver the majesty of rock with the mystery of roll without making you choose between the two styles. Verily, you do not need to be an either/or cobag, cobag.”

And Chillus was right. And yea did Fuse play the videos of Coheed and Cambria, and lo how the emo kids and metal kids bought their records. And the gods looked down and said it was pretty good.

7) “September,” Ryan Adams. And we’re back with a quiet, beautiful, and sad song from Ryan Adams about a man remembering how his love died after being turned to stone by Medusa.

8) “Surf Wax America,” Weezer. A dark little ditty about a surfer dude who makes fun of people who have to go to work, then gets crushed beneath a wave and drowns. Maybe my favorite song from their debut album.

9) “The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll (Live),” Bob Dylan. This is from the Concert at Philharmonic Hall album. It’s funny, on every track, the audience lets Dylan play a few bars, then claps. I’ve never seen that happen at shows, yet it happens so regularly here, I figure it must have been the style of the time. Do people still do this, or is it a quaint old custom like pipe smoking or saving yourself for marriage?

10) “Low Low Low,” James. I have to credit The Lovely Becky for getting me to look past their hit “Laid” and digging to this album. Good, catchy Britpop.

11) “Overkill,” Colin Hay. An acoustic version of my favorite Men at Work song. I downloaded after seeing him sing it on an episode of Scrubs, a show which balances sentimentality with rapid-fire bursts of sarcastic dialog. That seems like an appropriate coda to this week’s list.

I'm currently in the studio working on next week's list, an 11-part concept post about the eternal struggle between Cuddlus, the God of Romance, and and Bonerisus, Bringer of Erections. I'm just trying to figure out where to put the gong.

Hope to finish something and post this weekend, but until then, drink up! It’s happy hour someplace.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we beating the heat?

Special extended heat wave edition!

12) Getting out of the kitchen and back to Arizona.

11) Crying frozen tears on wife's very cold shoulder.

10) Launching massive nuclear attack to trigger early winter.

9) Commuting heat from boil to simmer.

8) Going commando and straddling the air vents in the office.

7) Enjoying the air conditioning in the unemployment office.

6) Injecting actual ice water into veins.

5) Replacing current marital aids with Freeze Pops.

4) Refusing to deliver temperature readings to Congressional committee.

3) Scarfing latest Ben & Jerry’s flavor, “Chunky Freon.”

2) Renting lakeside timeshare in the Ninth Circle of Hell.

1) Fighting the heat in the desert so we don't have to fight it over here.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Eight Is Enough to Fill My Blog With a Meme

I just flew in from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and boy are my arms tired!

I am back in The IC (for those of you scoring at home) after moving to the UP. The Lovely Becky and I have work stuff going on here this month, so even though we have obtained a new house in our new home town, we are back in our old home town for a couple of weeks, staying with our friends SER and BH and their new wee one, S-to-the-Ren. SER and BH demonstrated remarkable adorableness today by singing Beatles songs to S-t-t-R, including "I'm Only Sleeping" to put the little lad to sleep. Those are the sorts of things that maintain my faith in humanity.

While exhausting, the trip went pretty well. We took a couple days off to go to Lake Geneva for a quick, drunken vacation with TLB's college friends. The closing on the new house went smoothly, but the people we bought it from mistakenly thought they had a self-cleaning kitchen, because much of it looked like it hadn't been cleaned since the Iranian Hostage Crisis. We fought grease with elbow grease and managed to get the counters back to their natural white. I almost caused TLB to add coffee stains to the floor when I portrayed a character, Mr. Lightswitch, thanking me for cleaning him. Oh, thank you so much, I was trapped under all this grime, and now I can see again! I said in a squeaky voice. And thank you for cleaning my true love, the dishwasher! Yes, being married to me is the gift that keeps on giving.

Right before I began my four-state Upper Midwest tour, Jennifer had tagged me with a meme. I have to name eight (hopefully) interesting, random facts about me. I was dreaming when I wrote this, so please sue me if it goes astray....

1) When I was in seventh grade, I was in a group called The Glazed Chickens. Not a rock group. Not a comedy group. Just a group of dorks like me. There were seven of us, divided into ranks. The head guy was the Archgiglioid. My best friend Tom was the Vice Giglioid. I don't remember what my title was, which means it wasn't that good. The regular people outside the group were Sheep. People that we didn't like were either Sub-Sheep, Sub-She-Sheep, or Sub-She-Sheep-Execretement. At one point, our principal heard about us, and thought we were some kind of gang. She actually asked Tom about what we did, like we were running drugs or starting fights.

2) The gang thing was especially funny because the only thing The Glazed Chickens ever did, besides label people, was write The Joke Book. We had a green Mead notebook, emblazoned with our mascot, this goofy cartoon character called Derange-O the Clown, and we wrote every single joke the seven of us had ever heard. If they weren't directly lifted from books like Truly Tasteless Jokes, they were in that same vein. We categorized them by subject: Sex Jokes, Religious Jokes, Leper Jokes, and so on. We had a chapter on Helen Keller Jokes, and whenever Tom and I happen to mention The Joke Book, we always remember this joke:

What did Helen Keller say when someone gave her a cheese grater?

That's the most violent book I ever read.

I really wish I still had The Joke Book, but when the principal started investigating our gang activities, we destroyed it because we worried we would get suspended or expelled. Let's just say we weren't a very tough gang.

3) I once traveled from Iowa City to Virginia to see Rush in concert. It was the Rush 30th anniversary tour, and I wanted to go see them with Tom. We are both big Rush fans, so much so that no matter what song they would have played from the 17 albums they had released by that point, we probably would have known all of the words. Anyway, as we were enjoying the concert, I heard the first acoustic notes of "The Trees," one of their old classics and one of my favorites. As soon as I recognized it, I let out a very loud, "Fuck yeah!"

Tom, every bit as much of a Rush nerd as I am, turned to me and asked, "Did you just say, 'Fuck yeah'?" As if he was asking me if I had just wet myself.

"Yeah," I replied meekly. At least my pants were dry.

4) I have gone skinny dipping twice. The first time was in high school in San Diego. My friends and I were at a party at Mission Beach. One very drunk friend suggested that the group of us -- five guys -- go swimming. Naked. We had to be hammered because, despite being at an age where guys are very wary about appearing "gay," the suggestion didn't sound the least bit gay to us. Off we went, off came the clothes, and we jumped in the water and swam around for a bit. After about a half hour, we headed back to the party, our clothes sticking to us because we had not thought about drying off ahead of time. In the interim, the police had shown up and busted up the party, throwing some of the drunker kids into the backs of the squad cars. Our little naked excursion had probably saved us from getting busted.

The second time, TLB and I were at a wedding in Tampa with a bunch of her friends from college. We were all staying at a hotel right on the beach. One friend in particular, Todd, was always promoting some type of nude activity. The combination of booze, post-college nostalgia, and beach led to all of us taking him up on an offer to go skinny dipping. About a dozen of us stripped and piled into the water under the moonlight. Todd, however, thought TLB had kept on her swimsuit and called her on it. My quite naked wife bounced up above the water line and said, "Do these look like a swimsuit to you?" That's just one reason (or is it two?) that she's my soul mate.

5) I have alluded to this before, but never fully confessed it: I was a pretty serious Republican until the 1992 election. All through high school, I was a staunch Reagan supporter, and in fact got pretty annoyed with TLB when she would wear her "I survived the Reagan Administration" button on her jacket. I once got into an argument with a very liberal friend about how China's human rights record should not affect its Most Favored Nation trading status. I voted for Bush in 1988.

So what turned me around? A lot of things, such as studying the CIA in grad school and living in New York City. But honestly, it was when I realized that the Republican Party was the party of John Lithgow in Footloose, and I would much rather be Kevin Bacon, driving around while cranking Quiet Riot and trying to get it on with the preacher's daughter.

6) I have never seen The Godfather. I really don't know why, but it's my biggest popular culture gap.

7) I went through the Second City comedy writing program in Chicago. For a year, my classmates and I wrote sketches each week and brought them in, eventually using our best stuff to create a show that students in the acting/improv program performed. Pack for the Afterlife was the closing sketch and song for the show, and hearing people laugh at my stuff was one of the greatest feelings I've ever had.

8) Circle Jerk at the Square Dance was originally the title of a novel I was writing, about a group of people putting on a sketch comedy show. The structure allowed me to insert sketches into the story, such as The Osbournes Animal Planet. I eventually reached a point where I realized the novel was never going to work, got very depressed about ditching the novel, and wound up not writing for a while. The wise TLB suggested I start a blog, partly as an outlet for the comedy bits that filter through my head, but also to get me out of my creative funk. I struggled with what to call it, until she said, "You should call it Circle Jerk at the Square Dance."

You see, I married her for her mind as much as her moonlit bosoms.

I'm not going to tag anyone since so many have done this one. Back with a Top Ten on Tuesday, and hopefully a couple new sketches I thought of while I was on the road.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we celebrating our independence?

10) Exercising right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of bratwurst.

9) Giving People magazine the names, numbers, and photos of all the CIA agents we don't like.

8) Returning copy of How to Survive as the Sweetheart of the Cell Block to the G. Gordon Liddy.

7) Requiring all new American flags to be made by extinct American textile workers.

6) Balancing system of checks on our non-Executive Branch middle finger.

5) Showing the fierce, noble American spirit that resisted tyranny by blowing up a bunch of illegal shit in our backyards.

4) Offering American flag ball gag to all dungeon customers.

3) Forcing the President to watch Born on the Fourth of July until even he can see the parallels.

2) Watching fireworks show that explodes into a brilliant representation of an undisclosed CIA prison.

1) Smothering it with cheese.