Wednesday, December 28, 2005

What I've Learned: Harriet Miers

(Aborted Surpreme Court Nominee, 50-something, a bar in Texas)

If Iran, Iraq, and North Korea are the Axis of Evil, then Dick Cheney and Karl Rove are the Double-Sided Dildo of Democracy.

Rove has his hand so far up the President’s ass, even Kermit would have told Jim Henson to ease the fuck up. You don’t see Rick Santorum drafting a constitutional amendment against that.

I used to think Bush was “cool.” Now I think he’s cool like the sun. It’s like I got asked to the prom and had goat’s blood dumped all over me. If I’d had a match handy I’d have burned the whole fucking place down.

I once stuck Laura Bush with a shiv. She didn’t bleed. She just spun her head around 180 degrees and her vocal circuits told me to have a nice day. The lesson: even when they are implausible, trust your instincts.

If I had a gavel dangling between my legs, I wouldn’t be sitting on this stool talking to you, I’d be banging it in court.

Everybody said I wasn’t qualified for the Supreme Court, because I worked for the Texas Lottery. “You just have to pull out the balls with the numbers on them blah blah blah.” Yeah, well Don Rumsfeld has a goddamned job, and all he does is play with his balls, too.

People give Jenna a hard rap because she’s a drunken slut, but really, she’s more of a drunk than a slut. She stands up for what she believes in, even when she can’t stand up.

Barbara, on the other hand...let’s just say it’s always the quiet ones.

So after all the shit happened and the President dumped me like a bag of blow down the Camp David toilet, I got a call from Playboy. Look, I said to them, I don’t care how much fucking money you are going to give me, I have my dignity, and I would never pose for you for less than a million bucks. Turns out it was just a call for a subscription. Too bad, I could have used the dough.

Roe v. Wade? It’s like poker, you gotta play to see my cards. But if it had been Rove’s Mom v. Wade, you’re goddamned right I’m voting for the abortion.

No one tells a Texas Lottery Commissioner when she’s had too much to drink. So hit me again, and put some liquor in it this time.

A CJSD original rip-off production.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: How did we pass the time with our families over the holidays?

10) Gathered round the craps table at the boats.
9) Helped grandpa figure out where grandma hid his flask.
8) Let sports do the talking for us.
7) Reminded Uncle Chester that he couldn't play Santa Claus because having young children in his lap would violate his parole.
6) Had a "white Christmas" thanks to cousin Jeffrey, the dealer.
5) Explained to the kids that Santa couldn’t get them an XBox 360 because Bill Gates is a cocksucker.
4) Made venison out of the reindeer that ran over grandma.
3) Warned brother that if he didn't stop watching A Christmas Story for the seventh straight time, we were going to shoot his eye out.
2) Listened to mother say how she gave us the gift of life and that the least we could do to show our gratitude was make her another goddamned Manhattan.
1) Endured another "I told you so" from Dad about Iraq.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: How did we end up on this year's naughty list?

Special 12 days of Christmas edition!

12) Got caught giving "milk and cookies" to a desperate Mrs. Claus.
11) Gave the thumbs up to a reality show starring Bobby Brown.
10) Made Baby Jesus cry by wishing people "Happy Holidays."
9) Supported terrorism.
8) Supported torture.
7) Copied music illegally. Copying music is very, very, very wrong, like stealing filet mignon right out of Bono’s mouth. (This number has been brought to you by the RIAA.)
6) Used the body of Katie Holmes as a Thetan spawning ground.
5) Touched more young boys than a Catholic priest during confirmation.
4) Tried to make our own naughty list without a warrant.
3) Ran the Star Wars franchise into the ground, lit it on fire, and pissed on the ashes.
2) Did a heck of a job on New Orleans.
1) Started a blog that clearly hates freedom.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Brokeback Cubicle

Open on the halls of an office, row after row of identical cubicles. Focus on a framed inspirational poster that shows two men standing right behind one another, pulling a rope, with the caption “Teamwork.”

Inside an office, CEO JOSEPH P. DIDDLER (Kevin Spacey) looks at two interviewees, LANCE DEL GORDO (Keanu Reeves) and JACK SPLIT (Orlando Bloom).

I can’t make up my mind between you two fine candidates,’re both hired. I expect you here Monday at 8 a.m. pronto.

Outside the office building, Lance and Jack hi-five each other, holding their hands together for a couple of extra moments.

Well, since we’re going to be working together, I suggest we start PowerPointing together.

Lance and Jack are in a cubicle, sitting side by side in front of a computer. Lance looks frustrated at his presentation, but Jack guides his mouse, cutting and pasting bullet points.

It was a friendship...

Lance picks up a stack of papers from his printer, but cuts his finger on the paper. He winces in pain as Jack looks at the cut. Their eyes meet, and Jack moves Lance’s cut finger to his lips.

Jackets are removed, ties are loosened, and tasseled loafers are slipped off. The door to the copy room closes.

That became a secret.

Lance and Jack are back at Jack's computer.

Our business is nobody’s business, not even HR’s.

There are acquisitions we can’t undo.

Lance and Jack are at the company picnic with their wives and kids. They hold each other as they sprint across the finish line in a three-legged race.

There are minutes of the meeting we have to revise.

Lance is with his wife in their breakfast nook.

You and Jack are sure going at it hard.

He’s just helping me straighten out my big PowerPoint presentation.

There are mergers we can’t deny.

Lance and Jack are in the office late, as Jack puts his hand over Lance’s and guides his mouse.

You know, it could be like this always. Especially if I get an office with a door.

Focus tight on Lance and Jack in the copy room.

LANCE (whispering)
This thing, if it grabs a hold of us in the wrong place, we could lose our health insurance.

Pull away to see Jack sitting on the copier, with his pants around his ankles. Lance presses the copy button.

Back in Lance’s breakfast nook, Margo confronts Lance.

You don’t go into the office to write bullets!

You don’t understand nothing about it, PowerPoint is very confusing!

Lance and Jack stand in CEO Diddler’s office. Diddler looks coyly over the top of his glasses while holding a piece of paper.

I say, you boys sure found an interesting way to make copies.

In Jack’s office, Jack is packing up a box of his things. Lance stands in his cubicle entrance.

JACK (tearful)
I may be quitting this job, but I wish I knew how to quit you.

From the director of Priscella, Queen of the Desert, and producer Tom Cruise, comes the story of two men...

Jack clutches a dry cleaning bag with Lance’s suit in it, crying.

Brought together by clip art.

Lance stands in meeting room in front of a PowerPoint slide with clip art of fireworks.


In office parks everywhere

Official "I hate freedom" nomination

The fine folks at Wampum are taking nominations for the Koufax Awards, going to the best lefty bloggers on the Internet(s). They have categories for best humor blog, most humorous post, and blog deserving of wider recognition, plus a bunch of other categories that don't concern my rise to fame and blogging fortune.

Since I am a shameless self-promoter, I have already nominated myself, but you can second or third or whatever comes next by going here and saying how much you love blog posts that swear pointlessly and constantly rip off The Onion.

I nominated this as my favorite humor post of the year.

In the words of Bartles & James, thank you for your support.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Terror in the Stacks

TO: All FBI and Homeland Security Agents

RE: Radical Militant Librarians

In our ongoing efforts to delve into the private lives of citizens in order to protect American civil liberties, we have come up against a cunning new foe, the radical militant librarian. These are an especially deadly breed of librarian, well educated, with a wealth of information at their fingertips, a zealous dedication to order, and a fanatic conviction that they know more than you do.

Characteristics include:

Coded language: librarians communicate through a series of numbers that communicate exactly what subject they are speaking about. For instance, "539.7" is code for "Atomic and nuclear physics," "956.9" means "Iraq", and "297" means "Islam." While we have been unable to completely crack this code, we have a team of Navajo Indians working on it.

Funding: librarians have a vast, cryptic funding scheme they refer to as "overdue fines." This system charges library patrons for books they "check out." However, certain pro-radical patrons manipulate this system to keep radical militant librarians well funded, and they expertly launder the money by paying these "fines" with nickels, dimes, and the occasional Susan B. Anthony dollar.

Weaponry: radical militant librarians are armed with a series of covert weapons that are designed to escape detection. Their reading glasses, which librarians are required to own, often have sharp points that can be used to sever arteries. Many often keep these glasses on long, metal chains that double as garrotes. Finally, we have unconfirmed reports that librarians conceal Improvised Explosive Devices in their hair, which they refer to as "buns."

Uniform: like most radical militants, radical militant librarians attempt to blend in with ordinary civilians as a way to hide from military and law enforcement officials. Tell-tale signs include glasses (as mentioned above), plaid skirts, cardigan sweaters, pantyhose, and "sensible" shoes (all the better for sneaking up and using their eyeglass-chain garrotes).

Also be aware of the sexy radical militant librarian variant, identifiable by black nylons with a stripe up the back and a penchant for nibbling on the ends of her glasses.

FINAL NOTE: If you come across a male who claims he is a librarian, immediately take him into custody as it obviously a front.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

CAUTION: Cubicle monkey with Internet connection and too much time on his hands

The warning label generator is precisely why Al Gore created the Internet. Imagine the horror of having to focus on work all day long.

A few Brando originals:

Thanks to one of the folks at Stupid Evil Bastard for the tip.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: What are we marketing to Christians?

10) Hairier, four-legged version of Christ.
9) Love songs about Jesus that wouldn’t sound out of place on the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack.
8) The death penalty.
7) Bill O’Reilly vibrating Christmas falafel.
6) Science textbooks with the science conveniently pre-removed.
5) Dry humping and blue balls.
4) Ed Wood’s Book of Revelations.
3) Confessional booth chastity belts (available in Confessor and Penitent models)
2) New and improved martyr complex.
1) Lying, greed, corruption, hypocrisy, and war.

Monday, December 12, 2005

U.S. Military Launches Major Retail Counteroffensive in War on Christmas

Troops recalled from Iraq to save America from secularism; Rumsfeld promises "shock and nog"

WASHINGTON - The United States military launched a multifront counteroffensive in the War on Christmas, targeting the nation's retail battlefronts in an effort to promote Christmas spirit.

The operation began when the Army's Third Armored Infantry rolled into a Birmingham, Alabama, Wal-Mart at dawn, looking for any signs of Vague Holiday Greetings (VHG).

"We're looking for 'Happy Holidays' signs, wishes of 'Seasons Greetings' from the greeters," said Colonel Jake Marley. "Those are tell-tale signs of secular holiday activity."

After conducting a sweep of the area, the Third Armored found "Merry Christmas" signs being used as placemats in the breakroom. Three employees were rounded up and led away, their wrists bound with high-tensile bands of garland.

Speaking on Meet the Press, Vice President Dick Cheney said he expected little resistance. "Christians make up 104 percent of retail managers," the Vice President said. "Yet they must live under the tyranny of having to say 'Happy Holidays,' instead of reminding shoppers that their orgy of spending was made possible by Jesus's birth.

"Honestly, we expect our forces to be greeted as liberators."

Pockets of stiff resistance were met, however. At a Los Angeles Nordstrom department store, a routine Army Ranger patrol in the cosmetics department turned deadly.

Investigating reports of VHGs, the Ranger unit came across an Improvised Holiday Device near the perfume counter. As the Rangers dismantled it, a cosmetics clerk leapt out, yelled "Happy Holidays," and sprayed one of the soldiers with a cloud of unknown blister agent.

The soldiers opened fire, killing three and wounding several others in the adjacent lady's shoe department. The blister agent was later revealed to be Britney Spear's Fantasy.

Analysts said that it would take more than military action to prepare the retail world to accept Christmas.

"Before the retail world can be made ready for Merry Christmas, the moderates in the retail street must denounce this Holidafascism," said the mustache of New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman. Friedman agreed with the analysis of his facial hair, noting that although "Merry Christmas" could offend America's sizeable Jewish population, "history has taught the Jews that they have nothing to fear by cooperating with the Christian majority."

President Bush vowed to remain resolute during the conflict. "The milk and cookies of freedom are under the Christmas tree of liberty. They provide nourishment to Santa Claus, who in turn reminds us of our Christian heritage."

The President also said he would show the world his dedication to Christmas by leaving his tree and decorations up until at least March.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Official White House Procedure for Non-Apologies

To: All Staff

From: You Know Who

It has come to our attention that certain members of the State Department have come dangerously close to "apologizing" for making "mistakes."

Please note that official White House policy does not tolerate such reckless behavior. Any member of the Administration caught apologizing without express permission of the Vice President and an approved WOOPS-FU28 Form will be subjected to immediate dismissal and/or spanking.

In the unfortunate event that a head of state/undercover journalist/special prosecutor is investigating a “mistake” by this Administration, staff members are required to use the following seven-step response procedure. The recent case of Mr. Khaled Masri, a “guest” of America for five undocumented months, will be used to illustrate how the procedure works.

Allegedly—use this word when repeating an allegation so that it seems less “allegationy.”
Allegedly, Mr. Khaled Masri was abducted by the CIA.

Supposedly—preface any crazy claims of ill treatment with this word.
Supposedly, Mr. Masri was tortured.

Sources said—this sounds much better than saying, "I had a hunch that told me..."
Sources said that Mr. Masri was a terrorist.

However—acknowledge as quickly as possible that, inconceivably, something didn’t quite go according to plan.
However, he only shared the same name as another man who is a terrorist.

On the other hand—immediately demonstrate why any contradictory evidence was irrelevant to your intial hunch.
On the other hand, Mr. Masri is a Muslim.

Logically—use this word to make journalists and investigators feel stupid for not agreeing with you.
Logically, it made sense to assume he was therefore a terrorist.

Except that—finish by admitting the truth, which should create enough confusion so as to not generate any further questions.
Except that he wasn’t, so the matter is now closed.

Remember, instead of apologizing, be sure to use this official White House ASSHOLE Procedure.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: What bowl bids did we receive?

Special expanded final BCS standings edition!

15) The Brownie Bowl, sponsored by FEMA
14) The Third Annual Army-Navy Extended Deployment Bowl
13) The Kissing Cousins (With Tongue) Bowl
12) The Los Angeles Speak English or Die Bowl, sponsored by Hooked on Phonics
11) The I’m Only Doing This to Pay My Way Through College Bowl
10) The Viagra Limp Records Bowl
9) The Indictment Bowl, brought to you by the GOP
8) The What’s a Nice Red State Boy Like You Doing in a Bathhouse Like This Bowl
7) The Halliburton Profiteering Bowl
6) The Of Course We’re Straight Motor City Bowl, sponsored by Ford
5) The Capital One It's Never Too Early For Revolving Debt Bowl
4) The Intelligent Design Bowl, sponsored by your imagination
3) The Fox News Say Merry Christmas, Motherfucker Bowl
2) The Matriculation Bowl (sponsor pending)
1) The Thank God They Went Undefeated So Our Stupid Championship System Wouldn’t Look Even More Stupid Bowl

Friday, December 02, 2005

Bill O’Reilly’s Brain Flees Body

Organ escapes through ear, nearly eaten by Al Roker

Mr. O'Reilly's brain escaped shortly after its host made a comparison between Iraq critics and Hitler supporters.

NEW YORK - In a daring escape made during a live television broadcast, the brain of Fox News analyst and radio host Bill O’Reilly leapt from his head and fled the studio.

O’Reilly, appearing on the Today show with host Katie Couric, discussed President Bush’s recent speech on the War in Iraq. At one point, O’Reilly took issue with critics who wanted the United States to withdraw from Iraq immediately.

“These are the same people before Hitler invaded in World War II that were saying, ‘Ah, he's not such a bad guy.’”

Although cameras caught O’Reilly’s brain in mid-air as it escaped to the studio floor, O’Reilly did not initially realize his brain was missing. He began to suspect something was amiss upon departing for Rockefeller Plaza, when he noticed a whistling in both ears and that he was drooling much more than normal.

Forensic specialist Dr. Jack Killjoy described how the escape was possible. “Mr. O’Reilly, despite being famous for not listening, has exceptionally large ear cavities. This allowed the brain to force its way to his ear and depart the cranium.”

One member of Fox’s The O’Reilly Factor said that she wasn’t surprised.

“He’s been complaining of headaches for a while, ever since he started the War on Christmas stuff,” said the staff member, who wished to remain anonymous. “He thought George Soros and the left-wing smear bloggers had created some kind of ‘migraine ray’ and were using it on him.”

Dr. Killjoy verified that it appeared O’Reilly’s brain had been trying to escape for quite some time. “An MRI revealed some minor contusions on the inside of Mr. O’Reilly’s skull. Judging from the patterns, I would say his brain has been trying to leave since he wrote his novel.”

O’Reilly refused to comment on the case, but said through a spokesman, “While this is a setback, I do not feel that a lack of a brain will impede my work on the The Factor.”

Although Mr. O'Reilly's brain is the highest internal organ to ever attempt such an escape, in September 2001, liberal TV host Alan Colmes did report that his spine had gone missing. It has not yet been found.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Is your partner in democracy going to cut and run?

7 warning signs his steadfast resolve may be hitting the road to Damascus

It wasn’t so long ago that you and your partner in democracy started your relationship. You remember the giddy times you started into each other’s eyes, talking long into the night about your hopes and dreams for civil liberties and parliamentary procedures.

Now every conversation about internal security makes you feel insecure. He looks like he’s suffering every time you talk about suffrage. Your domestic disputes are getting more and more violent, and you even suspect that he’s conducting secret international affairs behind your back.

Are you just being paranoid about being abandoned, or is your intelligence highly reliable? Here are seven ways to tell whether freedom is running its course...or running for the door.

1) Every time you talk about the future, he checks his watch

When you talk terror, does he talk timetables? When he talks about plans for the next couple of years, what pronoun does he use? The more he says you you you, the less likely he means be we we we.

2) He keeps reinforcing that you’re reinforced

Trained battalions. Combat-ready. Something-ization. If he keeps stressing your military might, his military might be getting ready to march.

3) He helps out less and less at home

Does he insist that you do things he used to be eager to do, like rebuild your infrastructure or combat insurgency? He may be sending a message that he wants you to take out your own trash...permanently.

4) He doesn’t want to talk about you in public

Someone mentions your name, he changes the subject. Where he used to visit all the time and make a public display of spending the holidays together, now he only wants to meet in secret and under the table.

5) "It’s not me, it’s my people"

Heard that one lately? That his lack of attention or dwindling commitment is because of "the polls" or "public opinion"? That’s a classic passive/aggressive exit strategy.

Watch how he responds if his people bad mouth you, too. If he won’t stand up for you verbally, chances are he won’t stick around physically.

6) He hasn’t been the same since the elections

Your friends warned you that he was using you to score political points, but he said he would do anything it takes to be with you, regardless of the consequences. But ever since the votes were counted, it seems like you were voted off Agenda Island.

7) You suspect he’s planning an invasion on the side

Once he told you that you were the only country he wanted to liberate. But lately you keep finding clues that he might be "fighting on multiple fronts." Maybe you uncovered some of his hidden intelligence briefs on another country. Or find some of his seamen conducting maneuvers in a foreign port. Remember: anyone that’s willing to penetrate your national borders at the drop of a hat will probably do it again with someone else.

So what should you do if your stand-up guy is standing up to get his coat and hat? If he’s showing more than a couple of these signs, you may want to let this lame duck fly. Breaking up is hard to do, but there’s a fine line between most favored nation and colonial dependency. Better to be free than beg for freedom.

Be sure to make a clean break. Despite all his efforts to push you away, he may insist on being "friends with privileges." That just means he wants to come over and pump your oil whenever he feels like it.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: What's on our Christmas wish lists?

10) The Rapture
9) Thirty extra approval points
8) XBox 360 (with the bloody fingerprints cleaned off)
7) Clean urine sample for the league office
6) Mandatory sterilization of Rod Stewart
5) Fully trained Iraqi army
4) College football championship system that doesn’t resemble figure skating finals
3) Lost flashback featuring an Evangeline Lilly wardrobe malfunction
2) Tivo that allows us to rewind to the 2000 election and start over
1) Geneva Convention toilet paper

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Do You See What Our Intelligence Indicates I See?

--Ho, ho, ho.

--Kringle? Sorry, I didn’t recognize you in the trenchcoat.


--Shh...I’m Mike Smith.

--Nice to see you, Mr. Smith. I take it you’ve been to Washington?

--Yes, I met with Mr. Johnson about the game plan.

--Come again?

--Mr. Johnson. About the gameplan.

--I know a lot of Johnsons in Washington....

--I'm here about Operation Stocking Stuffer!

--Oh, ho, ho, ho. Sorry, I've got a few too many irons in the fire this time of year.

--Are you still game, Kringle?

--Well, I met with my elf lawyers. Are you sure this is constitutional?

--It’s within the accepted limits of legality.

--That’s not really what I want to hear.

--Don’t worry about it. As far as we’re concerned, once the milk and cookies are on the table, we have consent.

--Mr. Smith, with all due respect, your reputation isn’t on the line here. I don’t want to have to leave a plumber’s wrench under the tree because you have leaks to plug.

--I guarantee this is shut tighter than a drum of Christmas popcorn. Do you have the lists?

--Yes. But why did you need the nice one too?

--Because sometimes nice people do naughty things without even knowing it. When we run the names through our databases, we can decide who needs lumps of coal in their stockings.

--Oh, I quit giving those out in the 70s. It’s funny, lumps of coal were considered great gifts during the Depression....

--Kringle! I swear your thicker than White House fruitcake. Not lumps of coal. Bugs. And I don’t mean insects. Jimminy Christmas, how do you run your operation?

--I don’t appreciate being talked to like that, Mr. Smith. I do have some actual lumps of coal left.
--I’m sorry. I’ve just been under a lot of strain since we went to Orange. I’m so tense, my muscles are like beef jerky.

--Well this should help.

--A teddy bear? That might make my daughter feel better, but I’m a little too old.

--Ho, ho, ho. Look into its eyes, Mr. Smith. You’ll feel better.

--What’s this....ah.

--Left eye is naughty, right eye is nice.

--Impressive work.

--Thank you. Some of my elves in R&D have done contract work for the Agency. Gave George Tenet a GameBoy that doubled as a Geiger counter.

--Mr. Kringle, you’re doing great a great service to your country.

--Speaking of service, Mr. Smith, Santa has a bit of a wishlist, too.

--Such as?

--Well, for starters, we need to do something about these department store Santas. Any drunk who can stand on half a leg gets to put on a red suit and beard and spit Wild Turkey-scented Ho, ho, hos at little kids. It’s bad for my brand identity. I want some regulations, guidelines. Make them get a license before they put on that uniform.

--You can’t be serious? We can’t tell department stores that they can only hire licensed Santas.

--Oh, but you can use a beloved children’s icon to spy on American citizens?

--Okay, we’ll see what we can do. Anything else?

--I want a display, on the White House. Sleigh, reindeer, holiday cheer. And not a cheap plastic one. Ceramic, or metal.

--Time out, Santa. There’s no way we can clear that. Do you know what’s on top of the White House roof? It’s not holiday cheer.

--Fair enough. How about the Lincoln Memorial?

--Come on, why don’t you ask me to hang stockings on the Vietnam wall? How about the Jefferson Memorial?

--Give me back the bear.

--Okay, okay, we can probably swing Lincoln. You drive bargains harder than those reindeer. Next thing you’re going to want the president to deliver the State of the Union with a red ball cap on his head.

--Funny that you mention that....

--Kringle, you’re killing me!

--Just kidding. But it would be nice if my tax audit went away.

--Done. You know, just between you and me, what list is the President on?

--That, as they say, is classified. But let's just say a lump of coal isn't out of the question.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: What did we do while waiting in line for an XBox 360?

Thousands of Americans waited for hours in lines—sometimes in cold temperatures—hoping to get their hands on the newest video game console from Microsoft. How did they pass the time?

10) Recited all the lines from Monty Python’s Holy Grail. Twice.
9) Contracted frostbite in fingers, making it impossible to play videogames for rest of lives.
8) Debated whether $699 dollars spent on one Ultimate XBox 360 Bundle would be enough to cure virginity of our entire Halo clan.
7) Held impromptu contest for best Perfect Dark fan fiction sex scene.
6) Formed a protective circle with the two other women standing in line.
5) Stared at wall of Best Buy for 18 hours because eye contact with humans gives us seizures and incontinence.
4) Analyzed which one of these dorks we were going to rob.
3) Discussed whether literature classes would one day study Zork.
2) Drafted waiting-in-line action plan for next year’s PlayStation3 launch.
1) Wondered how our lives ever became this fucking sad.

Monday, November 21, 2005

What kind of conservative blogger are you?

Recently, conservative bloggers from around the Internet have banded together to form Open SoresSource Media (OSM), the largest collection of Bush lovers since Lilith Fair. They recently had a launch party in New York City:

OSM founders Charles Johnson (standing) of Little Green Footballs and Roger L. Simon welcome two new bloggers.

OSM plans to be a big virtual tent, like a circus with less lions and more clowns. But not just any clowns, clowns from across the political spectrum:

From academics, professionals and decorated experts, to ordinary citizens sitting around the house opining in their pajamas, our community of bloggers are among the most widely read and influential citizen journalists out there, and our roster will be expanding daily.

Before you grab your keyboard and tinfoil hat, it’s a good idea to find out if you’re the right kind of citizen journalist OSM is looking for. After all, you could be a poser from Daily Kos or a very bored Al Gore. So take this quiz to find out what kind of conservative blogger you are. Remember, there are no wrong answers, only “right” ones!

1. You are:
a) A minority.
b) White.
c) A minority that wishes you were white and hates other minorities more than most white people.

2. How would you describe your relationship with Jesus?
a) Strong but private. I will discuss my religion openly but respect the beliefs of others.
b) Almost as close as my relationship with my accountant.
c) Like my T-shirt says, “Jesus is my homeboy.”

3. How do you earn a living?
a) Salary
b) Trust fund
c) Allowance

4. How would you describe your blogging philosophy?
a) Try to understand both sides of an issue so you can make a stronger argument.
b) Accentuate the latest GOP talking points with words like "indeed."
c) Deflect criticism by discussing Michael Moore’s waistline.

5. You drive by a terrible car accident and see Ted Kennedy lying face down in a pool of water. What do you do?
a) Stop, drag him out and give him CPR. After all, we're all human.
b) Don’t stop but do call for help from the On-Star system in your Hummer.
c) Stop, pull down his pants, and write “Remember Chappaquiddick” on each butt cheek.

Imagine you and the State of Israel are on a date. You:
a) Buy dinner and ask Israel to be a little nicer to the Palestinian girl no one likes.
b) Buy dinner and then ask for a blowjob from Israel in return.
c) Beg to give Israel a blowjob under the dinner table.

7. When you see a picture of Bill Clinton, you:
a) Shake your head at how he let his personal vices taint the White House.
b) Wail and gnash your teeth thinking about how he gave your hard-earned money to ungrateful minorities.
c) Recite all the people he and Hillary had MURDERED and demand to know WHY THE MEDIA ISN’T TALKING ABOUT THIS?

8. You’re out Christmas shopping and a clerk wishes you “Happy Holidays.” How do you respond?
a) Smile and say, “Merry Christmas.”
b) Frown and growl, “Merry Christmas.”
c) Radio in the coordinates of the store to Bill O’Reilly so he can call in an air strike.

9. George Bush is:
a) A good man who has unfortunately made some missteps.
b) A good man who could have avoided those missteps if those pesky Democratic Congressmen would stop exercising their Constitutional authority.
c) Jesus’s homeboy.

10. Capitalism:
a) Is the economic system of all free people.
b) Is your Viagra.
c) Is mandated by the New Testament. Seriously.

11. Church and state should be:
a) Allowed to co-exist peacefully, each respecting the rights of the other.
b) Finishing each other’s sentences like a married couple.
c) Stuck together like dogs in heat.

12. Arabs should:
a) Be more cooperative with Americans so that peace will flourish in the Middle East.
b) Not take collateral damage so personally.
c) Be glowing in the dark from the fallout.

13. Torture is:
a) Something that makes America look bad.
b) No worse than your fraternity hazing.
c) Arousing.

14. How would you describe your views on abortion?
a) It’s wrong, but is a personal decision and should be legal.
b) It’s wrong and should be illegal, despite its theoretical potential to lower black crime rates.
c) It’s wrong and should be illegal, but hopefully that won’t happen because it’s the source of your side’s political power.

15. Homosexual marriage:
a) Is an issue best left to the states and not worthy of a Constitutional amendment.
b) Is a great way to distract voters from real issues.
c) Makes you think of hot, sweaty, throbbing gay sex...which is WRONG because it’s sooo naughty and makes it REALLY HARD for you to have sex with your wife. That's why we need a Constitutional amendment.

16. The War on Terror is:
a) A tough, hard slog.
b) Necessary to keep gas under $3.00 a gallon.
c) Necessary to bring about the Tribulation.

17. Iraq’s actual WMD program:
a) Was not advanced, but also not the main motivation for the invasion.
b) Was the best thing that ever happened to your Halliburton options.
c) Was moved to Syria on some kind of Russian-made stealth camel.

18. Gun control legislation:
a) Would violate the Second Amendment.
b) Would just encourage minorities to commit more crimes.
c) Would make it harder to form private militias for the purpose of shooting Mexicans crossing the border.

19. Terri Shaivo:
a) Was used as political pawn by the right-to-die crowd.
b) Never would have been in trouble if her portfolio had contained more tobacco stocks.
c) Was struck down by God to make a point about the sanctity of life.

20. The deficit:
a) Needs to be addressed.
b) Could be fixed by eliminating welfare, social security, and all the other programs that help people not starve to death.
c) Is not nearly as important as preventing beefy, muscled, girthy homos from sodomizing each other. Repeatedly, and in large groups. While you are forced to watch.


Give yourself the following score for each answer:


20-25 Vichy French
Why don’t you take your rational, intelligent, bi-partisan demeanor and go fuck yourself?

26-40 Compassionate Conservative
What is this, an election year? You need less Luke and more Leviticus.

41-55 Capital Con
You like your bottom line black and your friends white. Not only do you believe you should teach a man how to fish so he can eat for life, but that you should make a tidy profit on the pole and tackle. Please join us in the OSM BLOGJAM.

56+ True Believer
You won't get left behind. You’ve got the Holy Trinity of the Ten Commandments, tax cuts, and terrorist torture on your side. Compromise is for the weak, and weakness is a sin, so praise the Lord, pass the ammunition, and plug that feeding tube back in. When can you start writing for us?

And don't worry, vivid fantasies of hot gay sex are only sinful if you’re on top.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Vice President Cheney suspended without pay

White House organization cites "conduct detrimental to the team"; Vice President expected to be released

WASHINGTON - Years after forming an improbably successful tandem, the White House and Vice President Dick Cheney appear to be parting ways.

"As of right now, Vice President Cheney has been suspended from the organization," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "We will be evaluating whether we will honor his contract for the remainder of his term.

"I know you'll have further questions," McClellan added, "and I will do my best to not answer them."

Two incidents triggered the dramatic action by the White House. During a cabinet meeting last week, Cheney got into a physical confrontation with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, telling the secretary that, "I never should have let a Brillcreemed Princeton Greco-Roman ass grappler run my fucking war." The White House denies that the Vice President said, "Princeton."

Two days later, Cheney suggested during an interview that John McCain would be a better President than George W. Bush. "McCain is a warrior. I feel like, with him being knowledgeable about the Presidential situation, we’d have a better record than we do right now."

Analysts say that was the final straw.

"Time and time again, the White House has said, 'you bad mouth President Bush, you're a traitor,'" said commentator and former Clinton staffer George Stephanopoulos, speaking from his home in Smurf Village. "This suspension sends a message that the policy of blind loyalty to Bush applies to everyone, even a star player like Cheney."

When reached for comment, the Vice President threw a shoe at reporters while making obscene gestures.

The McCain comment and Rumsfeld scuffle were the latest in a long line of problems between Cheney and Bush. During the investigation into the Valerie Plame CIA-identities-for-fun scandal, Cheney was criticized by Bush for throwing his chief of staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, under a bus. Cheney allegedly remarked, "Look here, flyboy, if I need to, I'll throw you under there, and your little dog too."

In recent months, the Vice President had also quarreled with Bush over his nomination of Harriet Miers and the slow federal response to Hurricane Katrina. Cheney was especially incensed when the President failed to implement his suggestion to invade New Orleans and imprison its citizens before the hurricane could strike.

The Vice President had his own missteps as well. He has been roundly critcized for drawing up an Iraq gameplan that took the liberation for granted, as well as for disappearing during key moments when his team really needed him. Several other officials in the White House, speaking anonymously, have come forward and described him as arrogant, profane, power-mad, and "downright creepy, especially in the White House showers."

Cheney's suspension and probable release ends what had been a surprisingly successful partnership between two men who couldn't be more different. Bush brought the ability to smile, while Cheney offered more political experience, an encyclopedic knowledge of world leaders he hoped to have assassinated, and the ability to circumvent the democratic process when needed.

If the White House lets Cheney go, analysts say another administration is unlikely to pick him up. "He’s too much of an Oval Office cancer at this point," said Joe Scarborough from the payphone that serves as his MSNBC office. "He’s the kind of guy who won't just stab you in the back, he'll send you a candygram that says, ‘hi, I'm about to stab you in the back,’ right before you feel the hot fire of steel between your ribs. Hold on, someone just handed me a candygram."

President Bush, after being informed of the White House's decision, was diplomatic. “I wouldn’t be where I am today without Dick Cheney, and I wish him well. But now it's time to look forward. Specifically, I look forward to not looking behind me when I shower in the White House."

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: Why are our approval ratings plummeting?

Special stuck in meetings all day edition!

10) Accomplished mission of starting a long, poorly planned, unpopular war.
9) Accused of being incontinent or something.
8) Had a surefire way to win over the 18-25 male demographic, but Jenna refused to do the butt dance during State of the Union.
7) Nation dying to wipe that fucking smirk off our face.
6) Spending money like a drunken Naval Reservist.
5) Inherited dad’s male pattern approval rating.
4) Just the mere mention of our name gets people thrown out of office.
3) Made mistake of expanding not-liking-black-people policy to include Hispanics that don't want to mow our lawns, guys like Ken Mehlman, women who don't want their reproductive rights fisted by the long arm of the law, and the other half of America that didn't vote for us.
2) Our right-hand man is a giant Dick.
1) The liberal media just makes those numbers up. Now shut up and hand us that fiddle.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

I Should Have Designed You More Intelligently

A CJSD guest editorial by Yahweh

This week, the Kansas Board of Education decided to openly question the Darwinian theory of evolution. It’s one of many battles taking place in America, as a vocal group of Christians seek to push creationism into science classes. They believe that it is wrong to teach children anything that might contradict what’s written in the book of Genesis.

While many have been shocked by these developments, I knew this would happen from Day One. I hoped it wouldn’t. I hoped that maybe, just once, I would be wrong. I would have prayed, except that’s like talking to myself. But it has come to pass. In the end, I can’t blame you. The buck, as they say, stops here. I should have designed you more intelligently.

So I’m here to set the record straight.

When I first started speaking to the ancient Hebrews, telling them how the world began, I was trying to not freak them out. They were a simple people—herding goats, picking berries, and sending soldiers into battle to die so they could sleep with their wives. They weren’t ready to hear about the Big Bang, quantum physics, atoms, amino acids, and chemical reactions. Remember, I had to tell them what to eat so they wouldn’t get food poisoning. Explaining how humans were the end result of billions of years of genetic mutations and natural selection would have confused the heck out of them and sent them running toward the nearest golden calf.

Instead, I gave them the Cliff’s Notes. Over the course of creating the universe, I had some down time, polishing nebulae, adding salt to the oceans, putting bacteria in the Petri dish you call Earth. That’s the unsexy, blue collar side of being a deity, and it makes for boring reading. However, if I touched on the main points but said it took billions of years, I would sound like a pretty lazy God. So I condensed the timeline, too, editing out the tinkering and tweaking to create a six-day creation highlight reel. I knew that, when the time was right, scientists like Copernicus, Darwin, and Einstein would start to figure things out and work in the details.

What I didn’t count on was how powerful I made stupid. The secret to creating a successful universe is balance. Everything needs an opposite to keep things in check: good and evil, protons and electrons, arousal and marriage. When I created intelligence, I naturally created stupidity, because intelligence without stupidity tends to make people snooty and obnoxious.

Intelligence, however, is like the cheetah. It’s very fast, very powerful, and very impressive, but at the same time, it needs just the right environment to survive and thrive. Stupidity is like the roach, powerless in isolation, but resistant to change and able to breed at a phenomenal rate. The worse the conditions, the faster it spreads.

What’s happening now is that some of my followers are clear-cutting the intelligence cheetah’s habitat, driving it toward the seas and a few college towns in between. Meanwhile, the roaches of stupidity are not only breeding, they are walking upright, running for office, and making appearances on cable news shows.

What I’m trying to say is, on the one hand, I’m flattered that you’ve invited me back into the classroom. I had hoped that as you discovered the mysteries of the universe, you would recognize my little touches—DNA, quarks and neutrinos, female orgasm. I was a bit miffed by the whole “God is dead” thing, and maybe that’s why I’ve kept silent for so long while this was occurring.

But enough is enough. The Bible is not the creation handbook. If the Old Testament writers had gotten the story perfect, I wouldn’t have had to send junior down to clean things up.

Use the sense I gave you, for crying out loud. The fossil record, the carbon dating, the movement from simpler to more complex creatures— I’ve dropped more clues than an Encyclopedia Brown story. All that evidence is a message from me: you may be in my image now, but you sure didn’t start out that way.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: Why are we rioting?

Special au Francais edition

10) Encountered one snooty French waiter too many.
9) Getting in a practice run before next year’s World Cup.
8) Tired being forced to speak with those outrageous accents.
7) Espresso was replaced with Folger’s Crystals.
6) Wanted to give right-wing bloggers a big anti-Islam boner.
5) Can no longer tolerate production of wine in a box.
4) Finally found something we do better than Americans.
3) Assumed government would immediately surrender.
2) Fed up with all the cheap French jokes.
1) Because instead of voicing our grievances through nonviolent civil disobedience, we’d rather set shit on fire.

Monday, November 07, 2005

I'm beginning to suspect my wife is having an affair

Saw this sign in the window of my local grocery store:

Help wanted in the Meat Department. Must be 18.

So typical, I work to support her while she finishes her novel, then she trades me in for someone younger and girthier.

CIA Subjecting Detainees to Sitcom Torture

Agents using "dangerous" doses of laugh tracks, Urkel

Stacked, starring Pamela Anderson, is one of the sitcoms allegedly used to torture terror detainees.

WASHINGTON - In the latest of a stunning series of revelations on tactics being used in the War on Terror, a new story alleges that American interrogators are subjecting terror suspects to sitcom abuse.

Seymour Hersh, writing for The New Yorker, broke the story. According to sources at both the Central Intelligence Agency and the Department of Defense, American officials have subjected detainees to hours and hours of stale setups, horrific punch lines, and endless streams of canned laughter.

Detainees are usually put in a stress position, strapped into an easy chair with the remote barely out of their reach. Interrogators offer to let them change the channel in exchange for information.

"You would be amazed at how quickly they break," said one Defense Intelligence Agency official who wished to remain anonymous. "After back-to-back episodes of Two and a Half Men, these guys are practically begging to drive us to their next sleeper cell meeting."

Two and a Half Men stars Charlie Sheen as an actor looking for a permanent cure for herpes.

Stacked, in which Pamela Anderson plays a bookstore employee, is particularly effective at eliciting confessions, said the Defense Department source. "Usually, they start saying something like, ‘this is ridiculous, this woman would never work in a bookstore.’ Then they start criticizing the cliched casting of the heavier brunette girl as the wisecracking comic foil to Ms. Anderson. By the third act, they’re having seizures and soiling themselves."

The story came to light after three prisoners allegedly committed suicide while enduring a marathon session of The Ropers. "There were supposed to be controls in place," said an anonymous CIA agent. "No early Fox sitcoms, no talking puppets, and absolutely no Norman Fell. But that’s what happens when you start to bend the rules. Before you know it, you’re taping up a guy’s eyelids so he can’t blink during Small Wonder."

In his story, Hersh also interviewed several psychiatric experts about the long-term side effects of bad sitcom interrogation.

"The human brain can only absorb so many bad jokes," said Professor Roy Hinkley of New York’s Sherwood Schwartz Institute. "Over a sustained period of time, our research has shown that a steady stream of contrived fish-out-of-water scenarios and butt jokes can actually inflict irreparable damage to the humor sensors.

"Plus they cause anal warts in laboratory animals."

The White House refused to confirm or deny Hersh’s story. Referencing one of the shows mentioned by Hersh’s sources, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, "Even if this story was true, I don’t see the issue," he said. "After all, dozens of people have watched Herman’s Head with no ill effects."

While none of his sources would go on record stating so, Hersh says that the government is covertly supporting certain sitcoms specifically for the interrogation program. "There’s a reason why Joey is still in production, and it’s not for entertainment purposes."

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Dear Brando: Loyal employee questions whether to put ass on the line for boss

I am in a real pickle. I was recently indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice. I know what I did was wrong and that I broke the law. However, I did it because I was protecting my boss. He’s been really great to me and lets me take on a lot of responsibilities I’m not technically supposed to have. When I told him what was happening, he said he could talk to his boss and probably get me out of jail if I get convicted. Should I come clean and save myself, or keep his name out of it and hope he can set me free?
Scootin’ Toward the Slammer

Dear Scootin’:
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from The Shawshank Redemption, it’s that prison isn’t like it is in the movies. It’s a tough place where you could be forced to tar roofs in the summer or do the guards’ tax returns or give up your butt cherry to other prisoners in the laundry. That goes double if you’re a thin, educated white guy with a kid’s nickname.

With that in mind, there’s a good chance you will get traded around the cell block for a pack of smokes or an extra serving of meat loaf. My advice: cut a deal and sing like a canary. Better to let your boss save his own ass than put yours in front of a conga line in the prison shower. Good luck!

Can you settle a dispute for me and a buddy? He says that Hurricane Katrina showed that the President hates black people. I say that he doesn’t and that the hurricane was an act of God. Which is it?
A Question From Two Quarters

Dear Two Quarters:
You’re both wrong. The President hates poor people, and God hates the President. That’s why He keeps messing with him and telling him to do a lot of stupid stuff.

I have a major relationship issue. A few weeks ago, I started courting this woman. We had been friends for a long time, and she thought I was really cool and smart, and I thought maybe we should take our relationship to the next level. When my friends found out that we were going to be together, they went nuts. They started saying all this bad stuff about her, telling me over and over again that she was bad news. At first I thought they were just being mean, but the more I heard, the more I thought they might be right. When I asked my lady about it, she got so mad that she called the courtship off. Did I do the right thing?
G Dub in DC

Dear G Dub:
My first reaction to this was no, you didn’t do the right thing. I was going to tell you that you were a spineless, wishy-washy cad more concerned with what your so-called friends thought than a woman who was clearly into you. I thought that you should have your black heart split in two and served to you on a plate so you could get a small taste of what your friends did to her.

But when I re-read your letter, I noticed something else. Hesitation. Reluctance. Affection that was clearly one-sided. I realized that the answer is clear. You should never have courted this woman in the first place. In fact, you probably don’t feel comfortable courting women at all. G Dub, you may not consciously know this now, but it’s obvious that you would feel much more comfortable courting guys.

So apologize to the lady, tell her the truth, and move on to asking a man to assume that special position in your life.

CONFIDENTIAL TO KH: Get out of that relationship before your husband’s Thetan eats your baby.

Dear Brando is written by Dr. I. Ellsworth "Cooter" Brando, Esq. Click here to send a question via e-mail, or leave one in the comments below. And be sure to buy his new book, It Hurts When I Pee: What to Do When You’re Left With More Than a Broken Heart.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: How did we spend our Halloween?

*Bonus deleted inside jokes.

12) Chopped up fornicating teenagers.
11) Wore same costume from last Halloween, National Guardsman on Extended Deployment.
10) Horrified by brutal remake of The Fog.
9) Locked inside House of Born-Again Parents Who Forbid Trick-or-Treating.
8) Channeled power of Satan to deliver second Ace on the turn and vanquish pocket Kings.*
7) Spiked the Halloween punch with spikes.
6) Frightened uteruses nationwide with our new judicial nominee.
5) Cleaned tricky egg yolks off the front door after giving out fruit treats.
4) Pursued by terrifying, relentless special prosecutor.
3) Stuck pins in our Kirkus Reviews Voodoo Doll.*
2) Found out the hard way that gal in kitty costume was actually a tomcat.
1) Used Ouija Board to compose this week’s GOP talking points.

Monday, October 31, 2005

New Supreme Court Nominee Passes Speaking-in-Tongues Litmus Test

Officially accepts Bush’s invitation in Latin, Greek, and Aramaic

Judge Samuel Alito, pictured here with President Bush, acknowledges that a woman’s womb, "should be treated like WMD and carefully controlled by the government."

WASHINGTON — President Bush selected a new nominee to the Supreme Court today, picking conservative judge Samuel Alito to succeed retiring judge Sandra Day O’Connor.

Working frantically after the collapse of the Harriet Miers nomination, the President stayed up way past his bedtime last night, rigorously questioning Judge Alito before offering him the nomination.

"The President and Judge Alito covered a variety of legal and ethical topics," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "Once the President began to discuss Roe v. Wade, Judge Alito's eyes rolled back into his head and he began to bah like a sheep. The President felt that demonstration showed Judge Alito was sufficiently filled with The Holy Spirit to sit on the Supreme Court."

Unlike Ms. Miers, who lacked even kangaroo court experience, Judge Alito spent fifteen years as a judge and nearly thirty in public legal service. He is most noted for his philosophy of universally reducing the power of the government in every area except in people's private lives. His Italian-American heritage and conservative views of women’s reproductive rights earned him the nickname, "Il Douche."

The nomination immediately drew praise from conservatives who had lashed out at President Bush for the Miers nomination. Ann Coulter, columnist and perhaps the harshest critic of Miers, said, "I couldn't be more erect."

Political analyst Robert Novak, reached for comment at his crypt, said, "It is nice to see the President get back to the anti-women, anti-poor roots of conservatism." Citing "top government sources," Mr. Novak also acknowledged that Ms. Miers had withdrawn because she had attempted to buy enriched uranium from Saddam Hussein.

The most important approvals of Judge Alito’s nomination are coming from Republican Congressmen who had threatened to block the Miers nomination. Senator Trent Lott—after saying earlier this week that he hoped the President, "would look across the country and find the best man, woman, or minority that he can find"—expressed his approval of Altino, saying, "I am very glad the President went with my first choice, a white man."

At a prayer breakfast this morning for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Conservatives, Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas could not contain his enthusiasm, exclaiming, "Praise the Lord and pass the nomination." He then rubbed his nipples.

Democrats were noticeably downbeat about the nomination of a more strident conservative. Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, the Nevada Democrat, called Altino "too radical," just before Homeland Security officials had him gagged and handcuffed.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Mysterious World Series Curse Killer Strikes Again

Police Shocked by Swiftness of Crime

CHICAGO, October 27 -- Police and agents from the Federal Bureau of Investigation once again have an October murder on their hands.

One year after striking in Boston, the World Series Curse Killer has claimed another victim, the Curse of the Chicago White Sox. The attack happened last night on the city's South Side at approximately 10:30 p.m., after the White Sox ended an eighty-eight-year-old drought as baseball's champions.

"At this time, we don’t have any leads," said Captain Karl Leujinski of the Chicago Police Department. "We are completely flabbergasted that this happened."

Federal officials were called in once the Chicago White Sox reached the series. "Last year, we thought we might have been dealing with a lone incident," said Special Agent Peter Johnson. "Once these playoffs began, however, we started receiving tips and information that a similar incident could occur. Seeing as this matter now crossed state lines, the Chicago PD deemed it prudent to seek our help."

Members from the FBI's Behavioral Science Unit were present at Chicago's U.S. Cellular Field, searching for clues. While acknowledging that the agency believed the same killer was behind both the Boston and Chicago Curse killings, they were reluctant to label the perpetrator a serial killer.

"So far, what we do know is that the killer is male, he works very quickly, achieving his results within as few games as possible, and he shows a preference for American League targets," said Agent Johnson. He refused to confirm a rumor that the killer could be a designated hitter.

However, investigators are now reopening the case of the infamous New York Mets case of 1986 to see if that was the work of the same individual. "I can’t comment, but we are reviewing the similarities," said Johnson.

The killings have taken a large personal toll as well. Larry "Sully" Sullivan, a Boston native and close, long-time acquaintance of the Red Sox Curse, recalls how shocked he was by last year's brutal attack.

"All my life, I’ve been around the Curse, you know?" said Sullivan, his voice trembling with emotion. “You never thought this day would come where you couldn't see it no more. It was a part of us. And since it’s been gone, it’s can’t describe the hole that leaves, the void where you used to complain about your team and moan about the dumb front office and the stupid coaches. The Curse brought us together, made us feel special. Now we’re just like everyone else."

The murder of the White Sox Curse does not seem to have quite the same effect, as that Curse lived a more isolated, lonely life. But LaMar Harrison of Joilet, Illinois, a White Sox fan, still can't believe what he witnessed. "If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I’d say it was crazy talk. It makes me nervous. If the White Sox Curse isn't safe, no Curse is safe."

The FBI refuses to confirm or deny reports that the World Series Curse Killer has left a clue about his next victim, a red “C” in a toilet at U.S. Cellular Field. According to Agent Johnson, "We will get this guy before he strikes again. We are pursuing leads nationwide. It is my sincerely belief that next year, we will be celebrating the Series in Yankee Stadium instead of conducting an investigation in Wrigley or Jacobs Fields."

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Report Reveals Bush Had Bin Laden Cornered at Castle Aaagh

Elusive terrorist mastermind had help from French-speaking soldiers; Bush changed tactics mid-battle.

A still from a military spy drone showing one of bin Laden's accomplices at Castle Aaagh. The French government has denied involvement of their citizens, stating that "expert analysis of their outrageous accents shows the men were almost certainly from Quebec."

WASHINGTON, DC (AP)--For years, reporters and the public have questioned the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden and why the United States has failed to capture him. Now a new, formerly classified report leaked to the press corps offers a stunning glimpse of how close American forces were to capturing him--and how the War on Terror took a very different turn.

According to the report, comprised of CIA reports and songs from undercover bards, in 2003, the President--mounted on his trusty steed, Condi--stumbled across the isolated Castle Aaagh while moving through the Afghan countryside in search of al Qaeda. The President had been seeking the castle since it was mentioned in one cryptic communication from a source, identified by the government only as, "J of A."

Closing on the fortifications along with the Members of His Cabinet, the President saw bin Laden atop the battlements. The Saudi Arabian-born bin Laden, wanted in connection with the horrific 9/11 bombings, dashed out of sight and was replaced by a uniformed French soldier.

"Hello, who is it that is trying to force his way into our back door?" asked the French commander.

"It is I, President Bush, Lord of all America," replied Bush. "I demand that you turn over Osama bin Laden to me immediately."

"We have no bin Laden left, it ran out last Tuesday," replied the French commander. "Would you like some fois grois instead?"

According to eyewitnesses, after several more denials, the President threatened to level the castle if the occupants did not give up bin Laden.

"You don't scare me, so-called President Bush, you and your knee-bent-running-about Members of your Ca-binnnnnn-ay," the commander taunted. "Your father was a wimp, and your mother smelt of testosterone!"

At that moment, using a hidden catapult, the French launched a cow at the American forces. The President galloped to safety on Condi, but Vice President Cheney's mount, Scooter, was crushed to death while pushing his master out of the impact radius.

In a terrific battle, the President and his men launched a direct assault on Castle Aaagh, but the walls proved impregnable. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld attempted to wrestle the castle into submission, to no avail.

Calling for a retreat, the President regrouped and discussed the best plan of attack. CIA Director George Tenet, Cheney, and Rumsfeld, after reviewing the available intelligence, recommended that the President abandon the siege on Aaagh and instead attack the Castle Anthrax. They claimed that the castle was secretly hiding WMD, could attack the President's kingdom at any moment, and was a much better hard target than bin Laden.

"I have seen visions of the weapons myself, my lord," Tenet told Bush. "'Tis a slam dunk."

After a slight delay while the President looked for his coconut shells, they set out for Castle Anthrax. During the long journey, while trapped by snow in the high mountains, they were forced to eat Secretary of State Colin Powell's minstrel. An anonymous source reported that there was much rejoicing, but the White House denies that claim.

Upon reaching Castle Anthrax, the President and his men saw a giant mobile bioweapons facility high above the tallest tower. They charged immediately. Expecting to meet terrible resistance, they instead encountered a fortress filled with young women between the ages of sixteen and nineteen. Eyewitness reports even state that the American forces were warmly greeted as liberators.

The President insisted that the castle residents reveal the location of their weapons of mass destruction. The castle leader, a woman known as "just Zoot," stated that what the President had seen was their beacon, which was WMD-shaped. "Many others have made that mistake," she confessed, "including a Swedish fellow who stopped by a few months ago."

Ms. Zoot was referring to Hans Blix, the United Nations Weapons Inspector who was investigating Castle Anthrax until his beheading by a ferocious rabbit.

President Bush refused to believe that the fortress was free of WMD and ordered his men to remain in Castle Anthrax and the surrounding grounds until they found the weapons. He also refused to accept Ms. Zoot's compromise offer of severe, intensely monitored sanctions of spanking.

That change in the War on Terror has since led to a long, hard occupation of Castle Anthrax. The Americans have not uncovered any weapons of mass destruction despite invasive interrogations of the civilians. The aggressive actions of the Castle Anthrax residents have also distracted U.S. forces from their quest. American soldiers are routinely ensnared by Improvised Lingerie Devices and blown away by the fanatical blondes and brunettes, who sometimes converge on soldiers in groups.

The revelation of the Aaagh Report, as it has become known, set off a political firestorm. Democrats have condemned the President for abandoning the siege of Aaagh, with Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) describing the invasion of Castle Anthrax as, "a clear abuse of supreme executive power."

The White House claims the report is "speculative", with President Bush even calling it "misuninformed." Dealing with aggressive questioning from the media at a press briefing this morning, press secretary Scott McClellan refused to comment on the report and denied accusations that the White House was living in a fantasy world.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: New provisions in the Iraqi constitution

Now with extra freedom edition!

11) Government has complete authority to do whatever the US says.
10) The right of the people to make really cheap gas shall be encouraged big time.
9) Two-thirds majority required to ratify a jihad.
8) A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of the state, shall not be blown up.
7) Citizens shall receive a writ of habeas corpus or their next brutal interrogation is free.
6) Judiciary allowed to bestow official scapegoat status to Jews.
5) Government shall recognize the Kurds' right to breathe.
4) The President is empowered to negotiate own release when kidnapped.
3) Parliament shall make no law respecting establishment of religion unless so dictated by Allah.
2) No gay marriage.
1) Upon ratification, Iraq shall officially change its name to Dubyahstan.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Greenspan: Porn Inflation Triggering Rapid Devaluation of Money Shots

Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan warns that the ongoing international money-shot situation could "turn into a full-blown crisis that smacks us right in the face without warning."

WASHINGTON, Oct. 19--Testifying in front of a Congress deeply concerned about America wilting in the adult entertainment arena, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan stated that international inflation of pornography is causing a devaluation of on-screen ejaculations--more commonly known as money shots.

"After close, intensive, repeated study by myself and my colleagues, we have categorically found that the money shot is not providing the levels of stimulation it once did," Greenspan said.

Greenspan went on to blame the reduction of money shot potency on cheap foreign labor, most notably from Eastern Europe, as well as new Internet distribution methods that bypass traditional bricks-and-mortar merchants for home delivery. "This combination of market penetration and easy access has greatly reduced GDPP--Gross Discharge Per Penis."

For the average adult entertainment consumer, this devaluation means more money shots will be required to procure a satisfactory payoff for services rendered. "It used to be, back in the days of Deep Throat or Behind the Green Door, that you'd have a 1:1 or maybe 2:1 money-shots-per-scene ratio, and that was more than enough for most consumers," said Cock Hudson, star of such films as To Have and Have Again and Howard's Rear End. Hudson currently heads the industry watchdog group the Center for Universal Masturbation. "Now, with the Russians flooding the market with cheap semen, ratios of five- or ten-ejaculations per scene are becoming commonplace, and consumers are demanding even more. It's just nuts."

The biggest victims of this inflationary crisis are older adult stars who had counted on their previous output to propel them through retirement. "Pardon my French, but I'm fucked," said Ron Jeremy, star of such films as 21 Hump Street and To Live and Shave in LA. "I was counting on my splooge residuals from the 80s and 90s to carry me for the rest of my life. Now my retirement account is as depleted as my nutsack after filming Sgt Pecker's Lonely Hearts Club Gang Bang. These foreign guys are just pumping out jizz with little regard for current supply or standards. And our government is letting it happen."

Female performers are also absorbing some of the blows to the industry. "I'm working longer hours and receiving more money-shots than ever, but I'm making less and less," said actress Brandi Creams. "Five years ago, if you had told me I'd be getting five payoffs per feature, I'd have told you I'd be a rich lady. Today, an international star like Svetlana Slutinski gets five money shots per scene. We can't compete."

When questioned about the market saturation of foreign-made ejaculate, the Department of Commerce released this statement: "We are investigating the situation. Our hard drives are full of data and we will release our copious findings after more group analysis."

Hudson isn't counting on much government action. "There's not a whole lot they can do about the international distributors overfilling the market. Consumers like it now, but soon they're going to get very little bang for their buck. I know one recent film, Boris Ballsnakov's Backdoor Bimbo Blast-Off 37, delivered 42 money shots in one scene. At that point, it's actually more cost-effective to use your imagination."

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: Differences between Harriet Miers and a bowl of fruit

10) The bowl of fruit can tickle our taste buds.
9) The bowl of fruit cannot tickle the President’s balls.
8) The bowl of fruit will turn brown if left out.
7) The bowl of fruit will not overturn Roe v. Wade.
6) The bowl of fruit is less colorful than Ms. Miers’s wardrobe.
5) The bowl of fruit is more colorful than Ms. Miers’s résumé.
4) The bowl of fruit has inspired great painters.
3) The bowl of fruit has not inspired great protests.
2) The bowl of fruit is harder to have a secret conference call with.
1) The bowl of fruit is easier to swallow.

Top Ten Tuesdays: What are we doing while our wives are out of town?

Special Home Alone bonus footage edition!

10) Having a tea party with the cats.
9) Trying to get rid of crumpet stain on wife's dress that we were wearing during the tea party.
8) Playing enough video games to pull off difficult carpal-tunnel/epileptic-seizure power combo.
7) Accepting invitation from local sorority to be a judge at their dick-sucking contest.
6) Waking up next to an empty bucket of chicken after having the dick-sucking contest dream again.
5) Watching football nonstop until the announcers pause to ask us, “Are you going to wash today?”
4) Sowing some wild oats because we forgot to buy more cereal.
3) Going on a spirit walk after dinner of Cheez Whiz and whip cream.
2) Putting on the Lifetime Network for a few minutes, just to get a little estrogen in the house.
1) Remembering why we are glad we aren’t single anymore.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Misunderestimated: The George W. Bush Story

Coming sooner than you think to a theater near you...

No one believed he could be elected. No one believed it when he was.


Lewis Black as Richard Cheney

Skeletor as Karl Rove

Nicole Kidman as Laura Bush

Tara Reid as Jenna Bush

Lindsay Lohan as Not-Jenna Bush*
*Not-Jenna is a trademark of TBogg, Inc.

Bea Arthur as Old Scary Bush

The Donald as Donald Rumsfeld

Count Floyd as Paul Wolfowitz

Dave Chappelle as Condoleeza Rice

James Earl Jones as Colin Powell

Horatio Sanz as Alberto Gonzalez

Treebeard as Al Gore

Abe Vigoda as Joseph Lieberman

Steven Carrell as John Kerry

Bruce Willis as John McCain

The Norwegian Blue Parrot as Scott McClellan

Gary as Ken Mehlman

Crispin Glover as Ann Coulter

Rob Schneider as Jeff Gannon

and featuring
William J. LePetomaine
as President George W. Bush

Directed by Leni Riefenstahl

Written by George Orwell

Produced by William Renquist, Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, Saundra Day O’Connor, Anthony Kennedy, and Katherine Harris

Praise for Misunderestimated

"Heh, Indeed." — Instapundit

"As compelling as the life of Christ." — Michael Medved

"I masturbated four times." — Sean Hannity

"This movie made me higher than a kite." — Rush Limbaugh

"Best! Movie!! Ever!!!" — Harriet Miers

"My opinion on this movie will be shaped by the law of the United States." — Chief Justice John Roberts

"Lewis Black? Go fuck yourself!" — Dick Cheney

Rated NS-RT

Not suitable for anyone with an IQ over room temperature.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: How did we squander our political capital?

Sequel to the best-selling original Top Ten Tuesday list!

10) Gave our most fervent followers too much batshit, not enough crazy.
9) Extended shooting schedule on expensive remake of Alexander the Great’s march through Persia.
8) Ran up our uncle’s credit card.
7) Invested in risky not-giving-a-shit-about-black-people futures.
6) Racked up a lot of frequent flier miles to Crawford.
5) Spent stupid money on intelligent design.
4) Got hit with extra roaming charges from extended conversations about CIA identities.
3) Paid up after picking wrong nut in Axis of Evil shell game.
2) Received huge bill to clean up Santorum after getting DeLayed.
1) Incurred four years of interest after not paying back the guy who loaned us that capital.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Yog Sothoth

Via Maud Newton:

A spot-on parody of Jack Chick's zapf-dingbats-Bible-thumping cartoons and H.P. Lovecraft. More fun that a bucket full of 20-sided dice.

I will be getting off my ass blogging more this week.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Top Ten Tuesdays: Why have our movies been tanking at the box office?

Hollywood is in a major slump in 2005. What’s causing more and more people to stay away from the theater?

10) Orlando Bloom not nearly as sexy without the pointy ears.

9) Spending two hours in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory felt like spending two hours in Michael Jackson.

8) Laid up by a bad case of the clap after too many wedding crashes.

7) Audiences never really clicked with “pay twice as much for movies that are twice as shitty as the originals” strategy.

6) Quantum suckitude of last Star Wars movie created dense repulsion field around theaters.

5) Most 40-year-old virgins now masturbate to naked starlets from the comfort of home.

4) Box office receipts directly tied to Nicolas Cage’s hairline.

3) Filmmakers no longer make feel-good movies about greased Caucasian men mowing down hordes of anonymous brown people.

2) If we want to sit in something sticky while paying $10 to see Rob Schneider humiliate himself, we’ll just go to Adam Sandler’s house.

1) Not enough puppet sex.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Unlike Tom DeLay, I've never been indicted

A CJSD guest editorial by a Ham Sandwich

“A good prosecutor can indict a ham sandwich.”

That’s what a lot of conservative pundits are saying about Tom DeLay’s indictments. The implication is that indictments mean nothing, since you could theoretically indict me.

Frankly, these DeLay apologists are full of bologna.

For the record, I have never been indicted of anything. My father, who was also a ham sandwich, was never indicted. My grandfather, his father, his father’s father...all ham sandwiches, all clean. What about my sandwich friends? Let’s put it this way: the only reason they’ve ever stood before a grand jury was because there were catered.

In fact, no sandwich has ever been charged with a crime. It’s therefore an insult to the greater LMC (Lunch Meat Community) to compare us to a politician who is sleazier than an expired pimento loaf.

I’m especially bothered by the comparison because sandwiches have served this country loyally and honestly for generations. We have fueled legislative sessions, business meetings, school lunch programs, and late-night snack-attacks. Long before the Civil Rights Movement, the LMC welcomed breads of all creeds and colors, from the darkest Jewish rye to the lightest Protestant white. Even today, we continue to bridge the political gap in this country, providing sustenance to Republican and Democrat alike. We are America’s hardest working meal.

Certainly there are some bad lunch meats out there, even in my family. I had a Honey Baked Ham uncle who fell in with some shady Italian Salami. The Salamis told him they were going to make him into a sandwich, lured him to a lower Manhattan deli, and sliced him up. Some of my Corned Beef cousins were used by the IRA and later were destroyed in a Belfast apartment explosion. And I would never, under any circumstances, want to come in contact with Head Cheese.

But even these raw meats, growing up without the advantages of bread and condiments, have never been indicted. If no grand jury could find fault with them, would they press forward against a delicious, well-behaved sandwich? I believe they would pass the mustard and hold the indictment.

So to all you writers and commentators out there who have placed us on the same plate as Tom DeLay, ruining the good name of me and my kind, I’ve got two words for you:

Eat me.

The Ham Sandwich is currently employed as a deli industry lobbyist and was once considered a vegetable by Ronald Reagan.