Tuesday, November 29, 2005
9) Thirty extra approval points
8) XBox 360 (with the bloody fingerprints cleaned off)
7) Clean urine sample for the league office
6) Mandatory sterilization of Rod Stewart
5) Fully trained Iraqi army
4) College football championship system that doesn’t resemble figure skating finals
3) Lost flashback featuring an Evangeline Lilly wardrobe malfunction
2) Tivo that allows us to rewind to the 2000 election and start over
1) Geneva Convention toilet paper
Sunday, November 27, 2005
--Kringle? Sorry, I didn’t recognize you in the trenchcoat.
--Shh...I’m Mike Smith.
--Nice to see you, Mr. Smith. I take it you’ve been to Washington?
--Yes, I met with Mr. Johnson about the game plan.
--Mr. Johnson. About the gameplan.
--I know a lot of Johnsons in Washington....
--I'm here about Operation Stocking Stuffer!
--Oh, ho, ho, ho. Sorry, I've got a few too many irons in the fire this time of year.
--Are you still game, Kringle?
--Well, I met with my elf lawyers. Are you sure this is constitutional?
--It’s within the accepted limits of legality.
--That’s not really what I want to hear.
--Don’t worry about it. As far as we’re concerned, once the milk and cookies are on the table, we have consent.
--Mr. Smith, with all due respect, your reputation isn’t on the line here. I don’t want to have to leave a plumber’s wrench under the tree because you have leaks to plug.
--I guarantee this is shut tighter than a drum of Christmas popcorn. Do you have the lists?
--Yes. But why did you need the nice one too?
--Because sometimes nice people do naughty things without even knowing it. When we run the names through our databases, we can decide who needs lumps of coal in their stockings.
--Oh, I quit giving those out in the 70s. It’s funny, lumps of coal were considered great gifts during the Depression....
--Kringle! I swear your thicker than White House fruitcake. Not lumps of coal. Bugs. And I don’t mean insects. Jimminy Christmas, how do you run your operation?
--I don’t appreciate being talked to like that, Mr. Smith. I do have some actual lumps of coal left.
--I’m sorry. I’ve just been under a lot of strain since we went to Orange. I’m so tense, my muscles are like beef jerky.
--Well this should help.
--A teddy bear? That might make my daughter feel better, but I’m a little too old.
--Ho, ho, ho. Look into its eyes, Mr. Smith. You’ll feel better.
--Left eye is naughty, right eye is nice.
--Thank you. Some of my elves in R&D have done contract work for the Agency. Gave George Tenet a GameBoy that doubled as a Geiger counter.
--Mr. Kringle, you’re doing great a great service to your country.
--Speaking of service, Mr. Smith, Santa has a bit of a wishlist, too.
--Well, for starters, we need to do something about these department store Santas. Any drunk who can stand on half a leg gets to put on a red suit and beard and spit Wild Turkey-scented Ho, ho, hos at little kids. It’s bad for my brand identity. I want some regulations, guidelines. Make them get a license before they put on that uniform.
--You can’t be serious? We can’t tell department stores that they can only hire licensed Santas.
--Oh, but you can use a beloved children’s icon to spy on American citizens?
--Okay, we’ll see what we can do. Anything else?
--I want a display, on the White House. Sleigh, reindeer, holiday cheer. And not a cheap plastic one. Ceramic, or metal.
--Time out, Santa. There’s no way we can clear that. Do you know what’s on top of the White House roof? It’s not holiday cheer.
--Fair enough. How about the Lincoln Memorial?
--Come on, why don’t you ask me to hang stockings on the Vietnam wall? How about the Jefferson Memorial?
--Give me back the bear.
--Okay, okay, we can probably swing Lincoln. You drive bargains harder than those reindeer. Next thing you’re going to want the president to deliver the State of the Union with a red ball cap on his head.
--Funny that you mention that....
--Kringle, you’re killing me!
--Just kidding. But it would be nice if my tax audit went away.
--Done. You know, just between you and me, what list is the President on?
--That, as they say, is classified. But let's just say a lump of coal isn't out of the question.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
10) Recited all the lines from Monty Python’s Holy Grail. Twice.
9) Contracted frostbite in fingers, making it impossible to play videogames for rest of lives.
8) Debated whether $699 dollars spent on one Ultimate XBox 360 Bundle would be enough to cure virginity of our entire Halo clan.
7) Held impromptu contest for best Perfect Dark fan fiction sex scene.
6) Formed a protective circle with the two other women standing in line.
5) Stared at wall of Best Buy for 18 hours because eye contact with humans gives us seizures and incontinence.
4) Analyzed which one of these dorks we were going to rob.
3) Discussed whether literature classes would one day study Zork.
2) Drafted waiting-in-line action plan for next year’s PlayStation3 launch.
1) Wondered how our lives ever became this fucking sad.
Monday, November 21, 2005
OSM plans to be a big virtual tent, like a circus with less lions and more clowns. But not just any clowns, clowns from across the political spectrum:
From academics, professionals and decorated experts, to ordinary citizens sitting around the house opining in their pajamas, our community of bloggers are among the most widely read and influential citizen journalists out there, and our roster will be expanding daily.
Before you grab your keyboard and tinfoil hat, it’s a good idea to find out if you’re the right kind of citizen journalist OSM is looking for. After all, you could be a poser from Daily Kos or a very bored Al Gore. So take this quiz to find out what kind of conservative blogger you are. Remember, there are no wrong answers, only “right” ones!
1. You are:
a) A minority.
c) A minority that wishes you were white and hates other minorities more than most white people.
2. How would you describe your relationship with Jesus?
a) Strong but private. I will discuss my religion openly but respect the beliefs of others.
b) Almost as close as my relationship with my accountant.
c) Like my T-shirt says, “Jesus is my homeboy.”
3. How do you earn a living?
b) Trust fund
4. How would you describe your blogging philosophy?
a) Try to understand both sides of an issue so you can make a stronger argument.
b) Accentuate the latest GOP talking points with words like "indeed."
c) Deflect criticism by discussing Michael Moore’s waistline.
5. You drive by a terrible car accident and see Ted Kennedy lying face down in a pool of water. What do you do?
a) Stop, drag him out and give him CPR. After all, we're all human.
b) Don’t stop but do call for help from the On-Star system in your Hummer.
c) Stop, pull down his pants, and write “Remember Chappaquiddick” on each butt cheek.
Imagine you and the State of Israel are on a date. You:
a) Buy dinner and ask Israel to be a little nicer to the Palestinian girl no one likes.
b) Buy dinner and then ask for a blowjob from Israel in return.
c) Beg to give Israel a blowjob under the dinner table.
7. When you see a picture of Bill Clinton, you:
a) Shake your head at how he let his personal vices taint the White House.
b) Wail and gnash your teeth thinking about how he gave your hard-earned money to ungrateful minorities.
c) Recite all the people he and Hillary had MURDERED and demand to know WHY THE MEDIA ISN’T TALKING ABOUT THIS?
8. You’re out Christmas shopping and a clerk wishes you “Happy Holidays.” How do you respond?
a) Smile and say, “Merry Christmas.”
b) Frown and growl, “Merry Christmas.”
c) Radio in the coordinates of the store to Bill O’Reilly so he can call in an air strike.
9. George Bush is:
a) A good man who has unfortunately made some missteps.
b) A good man who could have avoided those missteps if those pesky Democratic Congressmen would stop exercising their Constitutional authority.
c) Jesus’s homeboy.
a) Is the economic system of all free people.
b) Is your Viagra.
c) Is mandated by the New Testament. Seriously.
11. Church and state should be:
a) Allowed to co-exist peacefully, each respecting the rights of the other.
b) Finishing each other’s sentences like a married couple.
c) Stuck together like dogs in heat.
12. Arabs should:
a) Be more cooperative with Americans so that peace will flourish in the Middle East.
b) Not take collateral damage so personally.
c) Be glowing in the dark from the fallout.
13. Torture is:
a) Something that makes America look bad.
b) No worse than your fraternity hazing.
14. How would you describe your views on abortion?
a) It’s wrong, but is a personal decision and should be legal.
b) It’s wrong and should be illegal, despite its theoretical potential to lower black crime rates.
c) It’s wrong and should be illegal, but hopefully that won’t happen because it’s the source of your side’s political power.
15. Homosexual marriage:
a) Is an issue best left to the states and not worthy of a Constitutional amendment.
b) Is a great way to distract voters from real issues.
c) Makes you think of hot, sweaty, throbbing gay sex...which is WRONG because it’s sooo naughty and makes it REALLY HARD for you to have sex with your wife. That's why we need a Constitutional amendment.
16. The War on Terror is:
a) A tough, hard slog.
b) Necessary to keep gas under $3.00 a gallon.
c) Necessary to bring about the Tribulation.
17. Iraq’s actual WMD program:
a) Was not advanced, but also not the main motivation for the invasion.
b) Was the best thing that ever happened to your Halliburton options.
c) Was moved to Syria on some kind of Russian-made stealth camel.
18. Gun control legislation:
a) Would violate the Second Amendment.
b) Would just encourage minorities to commit more crimes.
c) Would make it harder to form private militias for the purpose of shooting Mexicans crossing the border.
19. Terri Shaivo:
a) Was used as political pawn by the right-to-die crowd.
b) Never would have been in trouble if her portfolio had contained more tobacco stocks.
c) Was struck down by God to make a point about the sanctity of life.
20. The deficit:
a) Needs to be addressed.
b) Could be fixed by eliminating welfare, social security, and all the other programs that help people not starve to death.
c) Is not nearly as important as preventing beefy, muscled, girthy homos from sodomizing each other. Repeatedly, and in large groups. While you are forced to watch.
Give yourself the following score for each answer:
20-25 Vichy French
Why don’t you take your rational, intelligent, bi-partisan demeanor and go fuck yourself?
26-40 Compassionate Conservative
What is this, an election year? You need less Luke and more Leviticus.
41-55 Capital Con
You like your bottom line black and your friends white. Not only do you believe you should teach a man how to fish so he can eat for life, but that you should make a tidy profit on the pole and tackle. Please join us in the OSM BLOGJAM.
56+ True Believer
You won't get left behind. You’ve got the Holy Trinity of the Ten Commandments, tax cuts, and terrorist torture on your side. Compromise is for the weak, and weakness is a sin, so praise the Lord, pass the ammunition, and plug that feeding tube back in. When can you start writing for us?
And don't worry, vivid fantasies of hot gay sex are only sinful if you’re on top.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
WASHINGTON - Years after forming an improbably successful tandem, the White House and Vice President Dick Cheney appear to be parting ways.
"As of right now, Vice President Cheney has been suspended from the organization," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "We will be evaluating whether we will honor his contract for the remainder of his term.
"I know you'll have further questions," McClellan added, "and I will do my best to not answer them."
Two incidents triggered the dramatic action by the White House. During a cabinet meeting last week, Cheney got into a physical confrontation with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, telling the secretary that, "I never should have let a Brillcreemed Princeton Greco-Roman ass grappler run my fucking war." The White House denies that the Vice President said, "Princeton."
Two days later, Cheney suggested during an interview that John McCain would be a better President than George W. Bush. "McCain is a warrior. I feel like, with him being knowledgeable about the Presidential situation, we’d have a better record than we do right now."
Analysts say that was the final straw.
"Time and time again, the White House has said, 'you bad mouth President Bush, you're a traitor,'" said commentator and former Clinton staffer George Stephanopoulos, speaking from his home in Smurf Village. "This suspension sends a message that the policy of blind loyalty to Bush applies to everyone, even a star player like Cheney."
When reached for comment, the Vice President threw a shoe at reporters while making obscene gestures.
The McCain comment and Rumsfeld scuffle were the latest in a long line of problems between Cheney and Bush. During the investigation into the Valerie Plame CIA-identities-for-fun scandal, Cheney was criticized by Bush for throwing his chief of staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, under a bus. Cheney allegedly remarked, "Look here, flyboy, if I need to, I'll throw you under there, and your little dog too."
In recent months, the Vice President had also quarreled with Bush over his nomination of Harriet Miers and the slow federal response to Hurricane Katrina. Cheney was especially incensed when the President failed to implement his suggestion to invade New Orleans and imprison its citizens before the hurricane could strike.
The Vice President had his own missteps as well. He has been roundly critcized for drawing up an Iraq gameplan that took the liberation for granted, as well as for disappearing during key moments when his team really needed him. Several other officials in the White House, speaking anonymously, have come forward and described him as arrogant, profane, power-mad, and "downright creepy, especially in the White House showers."
Cheney's suspension and probable release ends what had been a surprisingly successful partnership between two men who couldn't be more different. Bush brought the ability to smile, while Cheney offered more political experience, an encyclopedic knowledge of world leaders he hoped to have assassinated, and the ability to circumvent the democratic process when needed.
If the White House lets Cheney go, analysts say another administration is unlikely to pick him up. "He’s too much of an Oval Office cancer at this point," said Joe Scarborough from the payphone that serves as his MSNBC office. "He’s the kind of guy who won't just stab you in the back, he'll send you a candygram that says, ‘hi, I'm about to stab you in the back,’ right before you feel the hot fire of steel between your ribs. Hold on, someone just handed me a candygram."
President Bush, after being informed of the White House's decision, was diplomatic. “I wouldn’t be where I am today without Dick Cheney, and I wish him well. But now it's time to look forward. Specifically, I look forward to not looking behind me when I shower in the White House."
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
10) Accomplished mission of starting a long, poorly planned, unpopular war.
9) Accused of being incontinent or something.
8) Had a surefire way to win over the 18-25 male demographic, but Jenna refused to do the butt dance during State of the Union.
7) Nation dying to wipe that fucking smirk off our face.
6) Spending money like a drunken Naval Reservist.
5) Inherited dad’s male pattern approval rating.
4) Just the mere mention of our name gets people thrown out of office.
3) Made mistake of expanding not-liking-black-people policy to include Hispanics that don't want to mow our lawns, guys like Ken Mehlman, women who don't want their reproductive rights fisted by the long arm of the law, and the other half of America that didn't vote for us.
2) Our right-hand man is a giant Dick.
1) The liberal media just makes those numbers up. Now shut up and hand us that fiddle.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
A CJSD guest editorial by Yahweh
This week, the Kansas Board of Education decided to openly question the Darwinian theory of evolution. It’s one of many battles taking place in America, as a vocal group of Christians seek to push creationism into science classes. They believe that it is wrong to teach children anything that might contradict what’s written in the book of Genesis.
While many have been shocked by these developments, I knew this would happen from Day One. I hoped it wouldn’t. I hoped that maybe, just once, I would be wrong. I would have prayed, except that’s like talking to myself. But it has come to pass. In the end, I can’t blame you. The buck, as they say, stops here. I should have designed you more intelligently.
So I’m here to set the record straight.
When I first started speaking to the ancient Hebrews, telling them how the world began, I was trying to not freak them out. They were a simple people—herding goats, picking berries, and sending soldiers into battle to die so they could sleep with their wives. They weren’t ready to hear about the Big Bang, quantum physics, atoms, amino acids, and chemical reactions. Remember, I had to tell them what to eat so they wouldn’t get food poisoning. Explaining how humans were the end result of billions of years of genetic mutations and natural selection would have confused the heck out of them and sent them running toward the nearest golden calf.
Instead, I gave them the Cliff’s Notes. Over the course of creating the universe, I had some down time, polishing nebulae, adding salt to the oceans, putting bacteria in the Petri dish you call Earth. That’s the unsexy, blue collar side of being a deity, and it makes for boring reading. However, if I touched on the main points but said it took billions of years, I would sound like a pretty lazy God. So I condensed the timeline, too, editing out the tinkering and tweaking to create a six-day creation highlight reel. I knew that, when the time was right, scientists like Copernicus, Darwin, and Einstein would start to figure things out and work in the details.
What I didn’t count on was how powerful I made stupid. The secret to creating a successful universe is balance. Everything needs an opposite to keep things in check: good and evil, protons and electrons, arousal and marriage. When I created intelligence, I naturally created stupidity, because intelligence without stupidity tends to make people snooty and obnoxious.
Intelligence, however, is like the cheetah. It’s very fast, very powerful, and very impressive, but at the same time, it needs just the right environment to survive and thrive. Stupidity is like the roach, powerless in isolation, but resistant to change and able to breed at a phenomenal rate. The worse the conditions, the faster it spreads.
What’s happening now is that some of my followers are clear-cutting the intelligence cheetah’s habitat, driving it toward the seas and a few college towns in between. Meanwhile, the roaches of stupidity are not only breeding, they are walking upright, running for office, and making appearances on cable news shows.
What I’m trying to say is, on the one hand, I’m flattered that you’ve invited me back into the classroom. I had hoped that as you discovered the mysteries of the universe, you would recognize my little touches—DNA, quarks and neutrinos, female orgasm. I was a bit miffed by the whole “God is dead” thing, and maybe that’s why I’ve kept silent for so long while this was occurring.
But enough is enough. The Bible is not the creation handbook. If the Old Testament writers had gotten the story perfect, I wouldn’t have had to send junior down to clean things up.
Use the sense I gave you, for crying out loud. The fossil record, the carbon dating, the movement from simpler to more complex creatures— I’ve dropped more clues than an Encyclopedia Brown story. All that evidence is a message from me: you may be in my image now, but you sure didn’t start out that way.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
10) Encountered one snooty French waiter too many.
9) Getting in a practice run before next year’s World Cup.
8) Tired being forced to speak with those outrageous accents.
7) Espresso was replaced with Folger’s Crystals.
6) Wanted to give right-wing bloggers a big anti-Islam boner.
5) Can no longer tolerate production of wine in a box.
4) Finally found something we do better than Americans.
3) Assumed government would immediately surrender.
2) Fed up with all the cheap French jokes.
1) Because instead of voicing our grievances through nonviolent civil disobedience, we’d rather set shit on fire.
Monday, November 07, 2005
So typical, I work to support her while she finishes her novel, then she trades me in for someone younger and girthier.
Stacked, starring Pamela Anderson, is one of the sitcoms allegedly used to torture terror detainees.
WASHINGTON - In the latest of a stunning series of revelations on tactics being used in the War on Terror, a new story alleges that American interrogators are subjecting terror suspects to sitcom abuse.
Seymour Hersh, writing for The New Yorker, broke the story. According to sources at both the Central Intelligence Agency and the Department of Defense, American officials have subjected detainees to hours and hours of stale setups, horrific punch lines, and endless streams of canned laughter.
Detainees are usually put in a stress position, strapped into an easy chair with the remote barely out of their reach. Interrogators offer to let them change the channel in exchange for information.
"You would be amazed at how quickly they break," said one Defense Intelligence Agency official who wished to remain anonymous. "After back-to-back episodes of Two and a Half Men, these guys are practically begging to drive us to their next sleeper cell meeting."
Two and a Half Men stars Charlie Sheen as an actor looking for a permanent cure for herpes.
Stacked, in which Pamela Anderson plays a bookstore employee, is particularly effective at eliciting confessions, said the Defense Department source. "Usually, they start saying something like, ‘this is ridiculous, this woman would never work in a bookstore.’ Then they start criticizing the cliched casting of the heavier brunette girl as the wisecracking comic foil to Ms. Anderson. By the third act, they’re having seizures and soiling themselves."
The story came to light after three prisoners allegedly committed suicide while enduring a marathon session of The Ropers. "There were supposed to be controls in place," said an anonymous CIA agent. "No early Fox sitcoms, no talking puppets, and absolutely no Norman Fell. But that’s what happens when you start to bend the rules. Before you know it, you’re taping up a guy’s eyelids so he can’t blink during Small Wonder."
In his story, Hersh also interviewed several psychiatric experts about the long-term side effects of bad sitcom interrogation.
"The human brain can only absorb so many bad jokes," said Professor Roy Hinkley of New York’s Sherwood Schwartz Institute. "Over a sustained period of time, our research has shown that a steady stream of contrived fish-out-of-water scenarios and butt jokes can actually inflict irreparable damage to the humor sensors.
"Plus they cause anal warts in laboratory animals."
The White House refused to confirm or deny Hersh’s story. Referencing one of the shows mentioned by Hersh’s sources, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, "Even if this story was true, I don’t see the issue," he said. "After all, dozens of people have watched Herman’s Head with no ill effects."
While none of his sources would go on record stating so, Hersh says that the government is covertly supporting certain sitcoms specifically for the interrogation program. "There’s a reason why Joey is still in production, and it’s not for entertainment purposes."
Thursday, November 03, 2005
I am in a real pickle. I was recently indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice. I know what I did was wrong and that I broke the law. However, I did it because I was protecting my boss. He’s been really great to me and lets me take on a lot of responsibilities I’m not technically supposed to have. When I told him what was happening, he said he could talk to his boss and probably get me out of jail if I get convicted. Should I come clean and save myself, or keep his name out of it and hope he can set me free?
Scootin’ Toward the Slammer
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from The Shawshank Redemption, it’s that prison isn’t like it is in the movies. It’s a tough place where you could be forced to tar roofs in the summer or do the guards’ tax returns or give up your butt cherry to other prisoners in the laundry. That goes double if you’re a thin, educated white guy with a kid’s nickname.
With that in mind, there’s a good chance you will get traded around the cell block for a pack of smokes or an extra serving of meat loaf. My advice: cut a deal and sing like a canary. Better to let your boss save his own ass than put yours in front of a conga line in the prison shower. Good luck!
Can you settle a dispute for me and a buddy? He says that Hurricane Katrina showed that the President hates black people. I say that he doesn’t and that the hurricane was an act of God. Which is it?
A Question From Two Quarters
Dear Two Quarters:
You’re both wrong. The President hates poor people, and God hates the President. That’s why He keeps messing with him and telling him to do a lot of stupid stuff.
I have a major relationship issue. A few weeks ago, I started courting this woman. We had been friends for a long time, and she thought I was really cool and smart, and I thought maybe we should take our relationship to the next level. When my friends found out that we were going to be together, they went nuts. They started saying all this bad stuff about her, telling me over and over again that she was bad news. At first I thought they were just being mean, but the more I heard, the more I thought they might be right. When I asked my lady about it, she got so mad that she called the courtship off. Did I do the right thing?
G Dub in DC
Dear G Dub:
My first reaction to this was no, you didn’t do the right thing. I was going to tell you that you were a spineless, wishy-washy cad more concerned with what your so-called friends thought than a woman who was clearly into you. I thought that you should have your black heart split in two and served to you on a plate so you could get a small taste of what your friends did to her.
But when I re-read your letter, I noticed something else. Hesitation. Reluctance. Affection that was clearly one-sided. I realized that the answer is clear. You should never have courted this woman in the first place. In fact, you probably don’t feel comfortable courting women at all. G Dub, you may not consciously know this now, but it’s obvious that you would feel much more comfortable courting guys.
So apologize to the lady, tell her the truth, and move on to asking a man to assume that special position in your life.
CONFIDENTIAL TO KH: Get out of that relationship before your husband’s Thetan eats your baby.
Dear Brando is written by Dr. I. Ellsworth "Cooter" Brando, Esq. Click here to send a question via e-mail, or leave one in the comments below. And be sure to buy his new book, It Hurts When I Pee: What to Do When You’re Left With More Than a Broken Heart.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
12) Chopped up fornicating teenagers.
11) Wore same costume from last Halloween, National Guardsman on Extended Deployment.
10) Horrified by brutal remake of The Fog.
9) Locked inside House of Born-Again Parents Who Forbid Trick-or-Treating.
8) Channeled power of Satan to deliver second Ace on the turn and vanquish pocket Kings.*
7) Spiked the Halloween punch with spikes.
6) Frightened uteruses nationwide with our new judicial nominee.
5) Cleaned tricky egg yolks off the front door after giving out fruit treats.
4) Pursued by terrifying, relentless special prosecutor.
3) Stuck pins in our Kirkus Reviews Voodoo Doll.*
2) Found out the hard way that gal in kitty costume was actually a tomcat.
1) Used Ouija Board to compose this week’s GOP talking points.