T: The Party, Part III

Our story so far:
Part I
Part II


FBI AGENT DEMI KRATT, member of the T alien Fifth Column, LUCAS, and his human partner, JEROME, drive to a large Tea Party rally in Scranton, Pennsylvania. LUCAS is on the phone.

LUCAS
I need you, buddy...No, I know it’ll work. The cameras will be rolling, you just have to do that voodoo that you do so well...I knew I could count on you. (hangs up his phone)

AGENT KRATT
Who was that?

LUCAS
Our secret weapon against the T’s.

AGENT KRATT
Lucas, how are we going to stop them? They have superior technology, political momentum, a built-in distrust of the media....

LUCAS
But here’s what the T’s don’t have: control over their sexual arousal.

JEROME
I’ll testify to that.

LUCAS
T females work very hard to keep their arousal under control, because when they do become aroused, they emit three times the usual body heart in order to send a signal to the males that they’re ready to mate. If we get Queen Palin to get hot and bothered.....

AGENT KRATT
Her human skin will melt off!

JEROME
And that means goodbye political cougar and hello dragon lady.

AGENT KRATT
How is your friend going to manage to get Palin hot and bothered in front of a rally full of people?

LUCAS
The T’s may be very advanced in many ways, but our sense of what we find sexy lags about 25 years behind humans. My friend will fit the bill perfectly.

The three arrive at the Tea Party rally in Scranton and try to maintain a low profile in the crowd. Jerome jumps.

JEROME (whispering)
Lucas, baby, I appreciate the attention, but now is not the time.

LUCAS
The time for what?

JEROME
You pinched my ass.

LUCAS
No I didn’t?

Jerome looks behind him and sees a big, burly man wink at him.

JEROME
Hmpf, I swear they should hold this tea party in the closet.

They settle into the middle of the crowd as Palin comes on stage. The crowd goes crazy. Cameras everywhere flash and transmit her speech to all the major news outlets.

PALIN
Hi ya, Scranton! Are you ready to take back Pennsylvania? (The crowd cheers wildly.) Are you ready for freedom and liberty and patriotism and Jesus and lower taxes and good times? (The crowd is almost orgasmic.) Then I’m your gal!

Outside of the crowd, a vintage black Pontiac Firebird approaches the crowd. It doesn’t slow down as it gets closer, until the drive slams on the brakes and stops with the hood pointed toward the stage. The crowd grows quiet as they and Palin stop to look at the car.

The T-tops pop off as Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” begins to play. Actor MARC SINGER emerges out of the top and falls across the hood of the car. He wears a headband, a muscle shirt, and jeans so tight, it’s easy to tell he’s circumsized.

PALIN
Oh my!

As the song plays, Singer writhes and spreads his legs on the hood. The media cameras all follow him and then capture Palin’s reaction.

PALIN (waving her hand)
Is it getting hot out here?

During the guitar solo, flips on his front and dry humps the hood. Palin’s skin begins to glow and slowly melt off her face. When Singer flips back over and elevates his pelvis fully in the sky, the last of Palin’s mask falls off, revealing her natural reptilian look. Other T females have the same reaction, their fake skin dropping off, and even a couple of T males also heat up, including Lucas.

JEROME
Lucas! Don’t tell me you’ve got the hots for that little County Seat tramp!

LUCAS
I’m sorry, I’m only reptilian. I can’t help myself. We had a thing back in the 80s.

The rally devolves into screaming chaos as the Tea Partiers run from the revealed T’s. Palin is oblivious, however, completely focused on Singer’s gyrations.

PALIN (leaping off the stage)
Come to mama!

She rushes Singer before being restrained by police.

PALIN
Let me go! I need to mate! And feed!

They take her away and the other T’s are also rounded up, including Lucas. Marc Singer comes over to speak to Lucas.

SINGER
Lucas! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to expose you, too. Although I have to say, I’m flattered you still feel that way about me. I’ll get your bail money.

JEROME (pushes him away)
Save your money and get that mullet cut, son. I’ll take care of the bail.

AGENT KRATT
Mr. Singer, thank you so much. You’ve done a great service to your country, exposing the T’s just before the election.

SINGER
It’s all in a day’s work for The Beastmaster, ma’am.

AGENT KRATT
Okay, then....Well, gotta go.

SINGER
Say, need a ride in the Trans Am?

AGENT KRATT
I’m good, thanks. (Leaves quickly)

SINGER (watches her go)
Yeah, still got it.

Fast forward to November 3. Agent Kratt reads the newspaper with Lucas and Jerome.

AGENT KRATT
I can’t believe this. The T’s actually did better after they were exposed? How the hell is that possible.

LUCAS (reading)
“A tearful Glenn Beck helped marshal record turnout for an off-year election, telling his followers that political convictions don’t run skin deep, and that Sarah Palin’s heart was still the same, even if it was located where a human vagina would be.”

JEROME
Get this, Rush Limbaugh said, “The T’s have what we need, a little cold blood to make the kind of ruthless government cuts that our warm-blooded bleeding hearts won’t. And as a bonus they’ll actually eat the rats running Washington.”

LUCAS
I hate to say it, Demi, but your humans are getting exactly what you deserve.

AGENT KRATT
Maybe you’re right. (She takes out her cell and makes a call)

JEROME
Who are you calling?

AGENT KRATT
Marc Singer.

JEROME
Get out!

AGENT KRATT
Like Lucas says, I’m getting what I deserve. Compared to life under the T’s, a weekend of wiggling under The Beastmaster doesn’t seem so bad.

LUCAS
Hey, we could double.

JEROME
Not on your life

THE END?

T: The Party, Part II

Read Part I


AGENTS DEMI KRATT and BENNY DIX are caught by an identical pair of security guards working for SARAH PALIN. The guards march Kratt and Dix into the warehouse before Palin, CHRISTINE O’DONNELL, and GLENN BECK.

PALIN (wiping moose blood off her mouth)
Well, well, well, look what we have here.

AGENT KRATT
My God, what did you do to that moose?

PALIN
I believe it’s what you humans call dinner.

AGENT KRATT
But you ate it like a...like a....

On Palin’s cheek where she was struck the book, a flap of skin falls open. Underneath, Ageny Kratt sees a bit of green, scaly skin.

AGENT KRATT
...a snake!

PALIN (noticing her skin and patting it back into place)
Snakes slither. I’m more like a....(she moves closer and sticks out a long tongue) komodo dragon.

AGENT DIX
So much for that lust in my heart.

AGENT KRATT
My God, what are you?

PALIN
Our name is unpronounceable in your silly tongue, but you can call us the Ts. (She pinches Agent Kratt’s cheek). And lucky for you I just ate or I’d be calling you dinner. I’ll save you for later instead.

O’DONNELL
But I’m hungry now! Can’t I eat her?

PALIN
No! You didn’t finish your moose, so no human for you.

BECK
Your highness, I didn’t agree to this. Kidnapping. Murder. Cannibalism. (his eyes start to get moist) I’m scared.

PALIN
If you don’t shepherd your sheep to those polls on Tuesday, you’re going to be terrified. (She licks the side of his face like she’s tasting him, then slaps his bottom.) And don’t forget what I promised you if we win. Now get! (turns to Kratt and Dix) Come with me so I can blow your mind before I eat your brain for breakfast tomorrow.

Palin and a pair of guards escort Kratt and Dix to a hidden room in the warehouse. It’s a futuristic control room, staffed by more of the guards. They step onto a series of circles and are instantly transported from the warehouse to a spaceship. The spaceship is full of aliens, some disguised as humans, others walking around in their natural lizard forms. Outside of a window, Kratt and Dix see several other ships waiting on the dark side of the moon.

PALIN
Take a long look, because this is what awaits your precious little Earth. Soon we’ll have control of your Congress, then the White House, and finally the planet.

AGENT KRATT
But why? What do you want?

AGENT DIX
Definitely the White House and dinner. Not necessarily in that order.

PALIN
I’ll put this in terms you can understand. Think of us as the United States and the Earth as Mexico.

AGENT KRATT
My God, you sick bastards.

PALIN
As much as I would love to tell you about our diabolical plans, I have an election to help win and have to get to Scranton. I’ll see you on my dining room table tomorrow morning.

Palin leaves as the guards lock Kratt and Dix in a holding area.

AGENT KRATT
Benny, what the hell is going on?

AGENT DIX
Well, I hate to say it, but I think the crazy guy at the rally was right. Always a bad day when that happens.

Outside the door, there’s the sound of a scuffle and two loud thumps. The door swings open. An African American man, LUCAS, enters. He’s clad in a three-piece American flag suit.

LUCAS
My name’s Lucas. I’m here to rescue you.

AGENT KRATT
Aren’t you a little black for a Tea Partier?

LUCAS
I am the black Tea Partier. I was at the rally today, holding the “Obama is not my homeboy” sign.

AGENT DIX
Oh yeah, I saw you on Fox the other day. And last week, for that matter.

LUCAS
I’m the Diversity Specialist. I make sure I tell the media where I will be so that I get filmed at all the rallies.

AGENT KRATT
How do we know this isn’t a trap? How can we trust you?

LUCAS
You can trust me and maybe live, or not trust me and definitely get eaten tomorrow. Believe me, I’m in as much danger as you are.

Lucas reaches into his eyes and takes out some prosthetics, revealing a couple of yellow, reptilian eyes. He also flashes his long tongue.

LUCAS
I’m a T and a member of a resistance group called the Fifth Column.

AGENT DIX
How original.

LUCAS
We’re a group of T’s who want to stop what Queen Palin is doing and live peacefully with humanity.

AGENT KRATT
But I don’t understand. What do the T’s want? Why are they running for office?

LUCAS
I’ll explain everything, but we need to get out of here first. Just try to act like one of us.

The three of them sneak out and head for the transporter room. However, the guards there are checking credentials.

LUCAS (whispering)
When I make a move, step on the transporter quickly.

A guard asks for their credentials. Lucas strikes the guard’s throat.

LUCAS
Now!

Kratt and Dix get on the transporters. Lucas throws the switch and also drops what looks like a grenade. They beam out of the room just as it explodes.

They materialize in a field.

LUCAS
I bought us a little time, but we need to get out of here now.

Lucas turns to lead them away, but Dix pulls out an alien-looking gun and strikes him on the back of the head. Kratt looks on in disbelief as Dix pulls out his eyeball prosthetics, revealing reptilian eyes. He points the weapon at Kratt.

DIX
God, you’d think a race that can travel across the universe could make fake eyes that don’t itch.

AGENT KRATT
You’re one of them?

DIX
You always were slow on the investigation, Demi.

AGENT KRATT
But you’ve been my partner for years.

DIX
That’s why you trust me. We’re like your lizards, Demi, patient, calculating, waiting for the perfect time to strike. And very, very cold blooded.

Dix speaks into an intercom in the clicking tongue of the T’s. But as he does, a figure emerges out of the woods and jabs him with a black rod. Dix writhes in electrified agony and collapses. The man, JEROME, rushes to Lucas’s side.

JEROME
Lucas, baby, are you hurt?

Lucas opens his eyes. Jerome lets out a cry of relief and gives him a kiss before helping him to his feet.

LUCAS
Agent Kratt, this is Jerome, my...friend.

JEROME
Friend? I rescue you and get downgraded to friend?

AGENT KRATT
It’s okay, you don’t have to hide your relationship from me. Jerome, are you...one of them?

JEROME
You know it. Queer as the driven snow.

AGENT KRATT
No, I meant a T.

JEROME
Earthling through and through, same as you, sister.

LUCAS
Jerome is why I became a member of the Fifth Column. I used to believe in everything the T’s stood for. Then I met him. Our relationship—T and human—is forbidden by the Queen and the T Council. I would be put to death for it. That’s what motivated many of us to start the movement.

JEROME
Black, gay, and alien is no good for their T's either.

AGENT KRATT
But why the stuff with the government, the Tea Party? Why not just attack? Those ships were huge.

JEROME
As much as I love story time, we better skeedaddle before we have company. My car’s over here, Lucas can do his Basil Exposition imitation while I drive.

They leave in Jerome’s car.

LUCAS
Here’s the short version. The T’s—we—are a predatory group of entrepreneurial aliens, moving from world to world and stripping them of their resources. We are very advanced, but not invulnerable. We bleed, we die, and our ships, while large, can be felled by things like nuclear weapons. Plus, frontal assaults are messy. Resources get destroyed, lives get lost, and our PRM gets lower.

AGENT KRATT
PRM?

LUCAS
Planet Rape Margin. So we infiltrate, gain control of governments and weaken them to the point where we can take whatever we need in the name of “free market principles.” By the time people figure out what’s going on, we’re on our way to the next planet.

We’ve been eyeing earth for decades and building to this moment ever since we created the John Birch Society. Once the Queen appears, that’s the final phase before the PLP begins.

AGENT KRATT
PLP?

LUCAS
Planetary Liquidation Process. The plan is to gain control of Congress, impeach your current president on grounds that he’s not a citizen, and pave the way for the Queen to assume control.

AGENT KRATT
President Palin.

JEROME
God, that gives me the willies even without the alien part.

AGENT KRATT
Well, we’ve got to stop them? The election is in a few days. We have to tell the media.

JEROME (laughs harshly)
Tell them what? That Palin’s an alien. Even if they believed you, the right wing would think it’s just left-win bias. We need proof.

AGENT KRATT
Can’t we show them you, Lucas?

LUCAS
Palin will just deny it and again, you get the media bias thing. No, we have to get her to reveal herself.

JEROME
Oh, yeah, Lucas, she’s just going to take off her face on national TV.

LUCAS (smiles)
No, but we can make her show her true face. (He takes out his cell phone and starts dialing.)

AGENT KRATT
Who are you calling?

LUCAS
An old friend who just might be able to solve our problem.

Continue to Part III.

T: The Party, Part I

At a Tea Party rally, two FBI agents, AGENTS DEMI KRATT and BENNY DIX, observe a crowd of protesters dressed in American flag-decorated outfits or colonial dress. Agent Kratt reads one of the signs that has a picture of Obama with a square mustache drawn on his face.

AGENT KRATT
“Hitler was a community organizer.” What the hell does that even mean? I swear, being here is like swimming in a gene pool with a broken filter.

AGENT DIX
Hey now, where’s your patriotic spirit? Look at how creatively these folks wear their American flags. I see flag hats, flag shirts, flag pants, flag...is that guy wearing a tent?

AGENT KRATT
It’s a muumuu. You know, you’re right. Let’s stay focused on that bomb threat.

AGENT DIX
You mean our wild goose chase? It was probably called in by Keith Olbermann.

AGENT KRATT
Still have to do our job, Benny. Do you see anybody who looks suspicious?

A man in a three-corner hat, breeches, and stockings walks by.

AGENT DIX
Is that a trick question?

They move through the crowd. The rally begins, and CHRISTINE O’DONNELL appears on stage to thunderous applause.

O’DONNELL
Thank you, my fellow patriots. You know, when I was young, I was on the wrong path, doing whippets from cans of Reddi-Wip, kissing boys who weren’t my husband and going to black masses. But I realized the error of my ways and found salvation through Jesus and tax cuts. That’s why we’re here, to keep more money in our pockets so we can invest more in Christ’s love. And no one combines Christianity and limited government like our next speaker, Governor Sarah Palin!

SARAH PALIN appears in a leather jumpsuit. The crowd erupts in ecstasy. Agent Kratt sees women weeping, men swooning, and children standing in still rapture in her presence.

AGENT KRATT
Don’t you find this a little creepy, Dix?

AGENT DIX (also mesmerized by Palin)
What? (snaps out of it) No. Hey, is it considered adultery if you fantasize about what you’d do to a woman if she was your wife?

AGENT KRATT
Jesus Christ.

AGENT DIX
I know. Why he’d have to rule out lust in your heart?

PALIN
How y’all doin’? It’s so great to be here in the great state of (squints to read teleprompter) Washington, D.C. You know, they say that the government that governs best is the government that governs least. Well, I’m here to tell y’all that no one will govern less than we will!

Agent Kratt sees a man dressed in a hooded sweatshirt and carrying a backpack. He’s acting strangely. Kratt follows the man as he pushes his way through the crowd and toward the fron, talking to crowd members along the way.

MAN
Aliens! We’ve got to stop the aliens!

The others in the crowd nod and agree with him.

RALLY ATTENDEE
Right on, brother, we gotta stop those aliens from taking our jobs and send them back to Mexico.

MAN
No, these aliens!

He reaches into his backpack and pulls out a thick book. Agent Kratt tries to stop the man before he can act, but he throws the book toward Palin. It flies in the air and hits her in the face. Chaos breaks out as security swarms to cover Palin. O’Donnell grabs the microphone.

O’DONNELL (screaming)
Remain calm! EVERYONE REMAIN CALM, FOR CHRIST SAKE!

The man continues to struggle and resist arrest. He looks Agent Kratt in the eyes.

MAN
They’re not who they seem! They’re coming for us! They’re going to take over and destroy everything.

Kratt struggles to subdue him, but he hands her a piece of paper.

MAN
Follow her and you’ll find out. You see that she’s really a....”

Before he can finish, one of the private security guards for Palin knocks the man out. Agent Kratt protests but the man is out cold and taken away. She opens the piece of paper and sees an address written on it.

After the commotion dies, Agents Kratt and Dix talk with Palin.

AGENT KRATT
Are you okay, governor?

PALIN (holding her cheek)
I would be better if you could have stopped that madman from assaulting me, but otherwise, yes, I’m fine.

AGENT KRATT
I’m sorry that we couldn’t reach him sooner.

AGENT DIX
At least he didn’t have a bomb.

PALIN
What the heck did he throw at me anyway?

AGENT DIX (holds up the book)
A cook book. I’m not sure why.

AGENT KRATT
Maybe he was just a good conservative trying to remind you where a woman’s place is.

PALIN (glowers at Kratt)
If that’s all, Agent Kratt, I’d like to get back to work. I have a country to rescue.

AGENT KRATT
Of course, governor. (under her breath) Knock yourself out, please.

Kratt and Dix start to leave the scene.

AGENT KRATT
Did you think there was anything unusual about that?

AGENT DIX
You mean aside from a crazy man yelling about aliens and hurling a cookbook at the possible next president of the United States. No, why?

AGENT KRATT
That book hit her square in the face, but I didn’t see any blood, a bruise, or a scratch.

AGENT DIX
They grow ‘em tough in Wasilla.

AGENT KRATT
But what about the stuff that man said? About them not being who they seem?

AGENT DIX
Yes, when in doubt, listen to the crazy guy who throws books at people.

AGENT KRATT
He gave me this address. Told me to follow her.

AGENT DIX
You’re going to spy on Sarah Palin because some nut job said you should?

AGENT KRATT
I have a hunch.

AGENT DIX
Yeah, and I have a job and a pension I’d like to keep.

AGENT KRATT
I understand, Benny. You don’t have to come with.

AGENT DIX (sighs)
You’re lucky I don’t have a date tonight.

They get in their car and follow the address. The building is a warehouse in a dark, remote part of town. The scene looks deserted, until a cargo truck appears. Two men who like identical to the security guard who punched out the man at the Rally get out. They go around to the back of the truck and lead a moose out of the back into the warehouse.

AGENT KRATT
A moose? Why the hell would they be bringing a moose here?

AGENT DIX
Maybe the governor is homesick.

AGENT KRATT (getting out of the car)
I’m going in for a closer look.

AGENT DIX
Demi, are you crazy? Demi? Damn it!

He gets out of the car to follow his partner. They sneak around to the back of the warehouse and find a series of boxes that rise to a window. They climb and have a perfect view inside.

Palin, O’Donnell, and GLENN BECK stand inside, along with 20 of the security guards, each of whom look exactly alike.

PALIN
Jesus Christ, Beck! Do you know how close we were to losing everything?

BECK (crying)
I know, I know. I’m sorry, your highness.

O’DONNELL
Can I turn him into a newt?

PALIN
For the last time, dingbat, you’re not a real witch! Look, we need to speed things up. That book tore open my skin. Do you have any idea what would have happened if the cameras caught that? We need to win control of Congress next week and start implementing Operation Impeachment as soon as possible. Beck, save those waterworks for the cameras. You need to get your people out there and teabag those polls! (Takes a breath). God, I’m so hungry, I could eat a moose.

The guards lead the moose in. Palin starts to unhinge her jaw.

Agent Kratt watches in horror as there are terrible slurping and chewing sounds. She hides her eyes until things grow quiet. She looks again.

PALIN (her face bloody)
Oh, that hit the spot. But I have just enough room for dessert? (She pulls out a gerbil and holds it over her open mouth.)

Kratt’s face registers disgust. She’s about to rise to get away when a gun reaches her head. She turns and sees two of the security guards, holding her and Agent Dix at gunpoint. They raise their hands over their heads, and the guards march them toward the warehouse.

Continue to Part II

Repeat post week: Revenge of the Schtick

Over the years, I've written a fair number of pieces that I wound up not posting. Often it's because I have a funny idea--Tara Reid writing a complaint letter to the MacArthur Foundation, asking why she didn't get a genius grant--that doesn't evolve beyond the funny idea stage. Other times it's because something in the news already gets beaten to death by the time I have an idea about it. And, of course, mostly it's because something just sucks.

All of those deserve to be tucked away, but there's one I've always thought was funny enough that I should have put it up: a parody of Revenge of the Sith as directed by Quentin Tarantino.

I didn't post it when I wrote it for a couple reasons. One, I kicked off this blog by going to the QT parody well, and did it with a far less obvious target.

The other was that I didn't write this parody until after I wrote another piece on Lucas's movie: Gene Shalit's parasitic twin reviews Revenge of the Sith, possibly the weirdest thing I've ever written for the blog. I think that post is better than the following sketch because, as astute zombie once pointed out, you don't see the punchline coming from a mile away.

Maybe that's why I never gave this much due: it's a straight parody, with few surprises. While I'm certainly not above the cheap laugh, I do aspire to not getting obvious and predictable in gaining said cheap laughs.

But after thinking about the Gene Shalit post made me think of this sketch, I laughed when I opened it and read it. Maybe you will too.

Quentin Tarantino’s Revenge of the Sith

We see OBI-WAN KINOBI and MACE WINDU standing in front of COUNT DOOKU, seated in a chair. MAR VIN, a young Jedi padewan, cowers on the floor near the door.

MACE
And if you strike me down, I shall become...more powerful...than you can possibly imagine!!

DOOKU
Noooooo!!!!!!

Mace slices off Duku’s head with his lightsaber, then retracts the blade. At that moment, a STORMTROOPER bursts through the kitchen door. He fires a dozen shots at point blank range, but all of them wildly miss the two JEDI. They grimace and unleash their lightsabers, cutting the trooper to bits.

CUT TO:
The Jedi are riding in a landspeeder on Tatooine. Mar-Vin rides in the back.

OBI-WAN (to Mar-Vin)
Why the fuck didn’t you tell us about the Stormtrooper in the personal waste disposal? Slip your mind? Forget he was in there with a goddamned Galaxy Gun?

MACE
We should be fuckin’ one with the Force right now. Did you see that blaster? It was bigger than him.

OBI-WAN (to Mace)
Yeah, we were lucky.

MACE
That shit wasn’t luck. It was a Force miracle. The Force was trying to tell me something.

OBI-WAN
Mace, the Force ties us and binds us, but that doesn’t mean this was a miracle. Shit, I’ve seen a hundred Stormtroopers fire a hundred shots each and not hit a goddamned thing.

MACE
If you want to just see with your eyes, fine. But my mitochlorians are telling me that my ass is retired.

OBI-WAN
What? Because some guy in a plastic helmet couldn’t control his blaster?

MACE
I’m telling Yoda today.

OBI-WAN
Yeah, be sure and tell him why. I’ll bet you ten thousand credits he laughs his green ass off.

MACE
I don’t give a damn if he does.

OBI-WAN (turning to Mar-Vin and casually holding his lightsaber)
Mar-Vin, what do you make of all this?

MAR VIN
I don’t even have an opinion, Master.

OBI-WAN
Come on, Mar-Vin, do you think....

Obi-Wan’s lightsaber unexpectedly discharges. Ma- Vin is decapitated, his head sucked into the landspeeder engine, which starts to smoke. Blood sprays everywhere.

MACE
What the fuck?

OBI-WAN
Oh shit, I just cut Mar-Vin’s head off.

MACE
Why the fuck did you do that?

OBI-WAN
It was an accident. You went over a bump of something.

MACE
We’re in a motherfuckin’ landspeeder. There ain’t no motherfuckin’ bumps, motherfucker!

OBI-WAN
All right, all right, don’t get all Bantha-shit crazy on me. Just get us to a friendly place.

MACE
This is fuckin’ Tatooine, Obi-Wan. Yoda ain’t got no friendly places in Tatooine. Wait...

Mace calls someone on the communicator.

MACE
Ani? How you doing, man, it’s Mace. Listen, me and a buddy of mine are heading out of Tashi Station and need to get off the sand pronto. Can we use your place for a couple hours? I can’t tell you why. Look man, I’m just asking for some sanctuary. Okay, we’ll be gone by then, I promise.

Mace and Obi-Wan stand in a Tatooine farmer’s kitchen. ANAKIN stands before them. Mace drinks a hot beverage.

MACE
God-damn, Ani! This is some good shit! Me and Obi-Wan would have been satisfied with some freeze-dried dilithium crystals, but you break out the gormet....

ANAKIN
Knock it off, Mace! I don’t need you to tell me how good my fuckin’ morning stimulant is. I’m the one who buys it. When Padme goes to the spaceport, she buys shit. I buy the gormet stuff because I want to feel it on my taste buds. But what’s on my mind right now ain’t the morning stimulant. It’s the dead Jedi in my vaporizer shed. Let me ask you a question, Mace. When you drove up to my place, did you see a sign that said, “Dead Jedi storage?”

MACE
Ani, man....

ANAKIN
Don’t Ani me, Mace! Did you see a sign that said, “Dead Jedi storage?”

MACE
No, I didn’t.

ANAKIN
You know why? Cause storing dead Jedis ain’t my fuckin’ business.

Mace tries to interrupt but Anakin won’t let him.

ANAKIN
No, you listen to me. Now Padme’s going to be home from the Galactic Senate in about an hour. You need to use the communicator? You need use the Force? You do it, and then get the fuck out of my vapor farm.


YODA sits at a table in his swamp, eating a rancid piece of meat. He is exchanging thoughts with Mace.

YODA (concentrating as we hear a voice over)
What she will do think you? (pauses) No shit fucking freak she will. How bad be it? A lot or a little, mmmm?

Mace sits in Ani’s bedroom, communicating telepathically.

MACE (voice over)
You’ve got to appreciate the explosiveness of this Padme situation. She comes home from a long day’s work in the Galactic Senate and finds a couple of Jedis doing Jedi shit, we might be up to our ass in X-Wings real quick.

YODA (voice over)
So what want you from me to hear?

MACE (voice over)
Me want say you...(grimaces, pauses). What I want to hear from your ass is, “You ain’t got no problem, Mace. I’m on the motherfucker. Go back in there and wait for the armada.”

YODA (imitating Mace)
Problem you ain't got, Mace. On the motherfucker am I. Back in there you go and wait for the Wookie you will.

MACE
You sending the Wookie?

YODA
Better you feel?

MACE
Shit, Master, that’s all you had to say.

In Anakin’s kitchen, there’s the sound of a spaceship landing, and a pounding on the door. Anakin opens it and sees CHEWBACCA. Chewbacca howls.

ANAKIN
That’s right, but you can call me Ani. Please come in.

Chewbacca enters sees Obi-Wan and Mace. He lets out a long passage of growls and grunts, gesturing at them and toward the vaporizer shed. When he finishes, Mace and Ani turn to leave.

OBI-WAN
A “may the Force be with you” would be nice.

Chewbacca turns to him and grunts.

OBI-WAN
I said a “may the Force be with you” would be nice.

Chewbacca lurches toward him, howling and beating his chest.

OBI-WAN
I don’t mean any disrespect, I just don’t like people barking orders at me.

Chewbacca grunts and groans, then points to the shed.

In the shed, Mace and Obi-Wan clean the bloody speeder.

MACE
I will never forgive your ass for this. This is some fucked up repugnant shit.

OBI-WAN
I got a threshold, Mace. Right now, I’m a hyperdrive, and you got me revved up in the red and ready to blow through an asteroid belt without the proper coordinates..

MACE
Well I’m an ion-cloud-laying motherfucker, motherfucker! Every time I touch bits of blood and bone, I’m the giant asteroid that you’re going to crash into when you jump to lightspeed. In fact, what the fuck am I doing in the back? You should be on brain detail and picking up this padewan’s skull.

Later, the speeder has been cleaned. Chewbacca inspects it and grunts in approval. He motions for Mace and Obi-Wan to strip. They do, and Anakin hoses them down. They put on apprentice robes that are way to small for them. Chewbacca laughs and grunts to Anakin.

ANAKIN
Younglings. They look like a couple of younglings!

MACE
Ha, ha, motherfucker, they’re your fucking clothes.

Obi-Wan shakes Chewbacca’s hand.

OBI-WAN
Mr. Wookie, I just want to apologize for what I said back there. It has been a pleasure watching you work.

Chewbacca howls, gestures to all of them, and makes a blowjob motion. All of them laugh, and then they climb into the landspeeder and drive off.

Repeat post week: Ozzy Ozzy Ozzy, Oi Oi Oi

Jennifer's in the retro post spirit this week, pulling up a couple of old posts that she loves (and wrote before she became a blogging sensation). That got me to take a peek back into the CJSD archives, back when I was in Single-A ball and three people were reading my blog (including me). I thought it would be fun to pull out a couple really old nuggets I like but don't make the best-of list.

I found a very early one that I think is still funny, has some significance for the blog, and demonstrates the fragile freshness of parody and satire: The Osbournes Animal Planet.

I read it over yesterday for the first time in years and found myself chuckling. If I may toot my own horn for a brief moment, I think it feels like one of those Saturday Night Live sketches people would be recounting to each other by the coffee machine on Monday morning. It helps that Ozzy is inherently funny and the jokes nearly write themselves when he's a main character.

The significance of this sketch is that it's taken from one of my many failed novels, Circle Jerk at the Square Dance. Before this blog was a gleam in Blogger's eye, I was writing a novel about a group of people trying to put on a sketch show, and I included sketches that the people were performing. The problem was, like many sketches themselves, the novel didn't have a particularly compelling plot. It seemed, as a wise man once said, like a bunch of stuff that happened. So into the trash it went. I was fairly devastated by this failure, as I thought it had a lot of promise at first...until I started writing it, that is. But out of that came the impulse to blog and the title for the blog, and that's given me nearly five years of entertainment.

The last thing this shows is how quickly parody and satire can age. Even at the time I wrote this, The Osbournes was on the way out as a pop culture phenomenon. Now, with what seems like decades since we watched Ozzy picking up dog poop in his kitchen and of course with the tragic death of Steve Irwin, it seems even more dated.

Despite all that, I still think the sketch works, and I hope you have a good laugh from it.


The Osbournes Animal Planet

Steve Irwin, aka The Crocodile Hunter, stands at a zoo.

STEVE
G’Day, and welcome to a special edition of The Crocodile Hunter. As all of you know, I love animals. I love the way they feel, the way they smell, the way they brush up against you when you sleep...Er, but I also love rock and roll! And today, we have one of the greatest rock and rollers ever, the Prince of Darkness ’imself, Ozzy Osbourne and is family!

The Osbournes enter: Ozzy, Sharon, Jack, and Kelly. Ozzy shakes as he stumbles toward Steve. Jack and Kelly fight.

KELLY
Fuck off!

JACK
No, you fuck off!

KELLY
Mom! Tell Jack that I said he has to fuck off first!

OZZY
Buh...buh...buh...Both of you can fuck off. Shut your meatholes, or I’m going to feed you to the bloody hippos.

SHARON
Ozzy, hippos don’t eat people.

STEVE
Very good, Sharon. ’ippos are plant eaters, or ’erbivores.

OZZY
Right, well, I’ll feed you two to the uh, to the uh, to the uh, whatever eats the fuckin’ hippos.

STEVE
Don’t worry kids, today we’re going to look at some animals that seem dreadfully frightening, but are really ’armless.

OZZY
Why’d you cut off their arms?

STEVE
No, Ozzy, there ’armless. You know, can’t hurt you.

OZZY
Because they don’t have any arms?

SHARON
No, he means they’re not dangerous, you fizzled old twat.

OZZY
Well why the fuck didn’t he say so?

Steve brings in a rhinoceros and pets the rhino’s head.

STEVE
First, we have one of the truly magnificent creatures of nature, the rhinoceros. No other animal is so powerful, so attractive, so sexy. Look at its jublies!

Steve grabs the testicles of the animal to show the audience.

OZZY (whispering to Sharon)
Gotta watch these Aussies. They've all been in prison.

STEVE
Now, ’ere’s question for all of you. What’s a rhinoceros ’orn made of?

SHARON
Bone!

STEVE
Good guess, Sharon, but incorrect.

KELLY
Bone!

STEVE
Your mother already guessed that, Kelly.

KELLY
But I wanted to guess it first!

STEVE
Jack?

Jack has his back turned to the camera and is making loud sniffing noises. He falls over.

STEVE
Crikey! Is he okay?

SHARON (looking over)
Mmmm, no convulsions. He's just resting his eyes.

STEVE
Um, okay then. Ozzy? ’azard a guess about what the rhino’s ’orn is made of?

OZZY
Uh, uh, uh, cement?

STEVE
All good guesses, but the correct answer is ’air!

OZZY
Air?

STEVE
No, Ozzy, hair.

Ozzy touches Steve’s hair, then the rhino horn, then Steve’s hair again, then the rhino horn, then his own hair.

OZZY
But how...but how...but...Sharon!

SHARON
Steve's kidding dear, it's bone.

STEVE
No, it's...

SHARON
Trust me, Steve, it's bone.

STEVE
Ah, right.

KELLY
I said bone!

SHARON
No, dear, you said hair.

KELLY
Oh, right. (pause) Fuck.

Steve leads the rhino away and returns with something concealed behind his back.

STEVE
Now, for our next animal, what looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and lays eggs like a duck, but isn’t a duck?

KELLY
A rubber duck?

Steve pulls out a platypus from behind his back. Ozzy leaps behind Sharon in horror.

OZZY
Sharon! Sharon, it's come back for me!

STEVE
Relax, Ozzy. This is a duck-billed platypus. This little guy is a mammal that lays eggs. ’e’s harmless. See for yourself.

Ozzy takes the platypus and looks it in the face. He turns it around and looks at its behind. Then its face. Steve sneaks up behind him and speaks as if he's the platypus

STEVE (whispering)
Ozzy, you will worship me!

Ozzy screams and drops the platypus, raising his foot to crush it. Steve cries out in horror.

STEVE
Double Crikey!

Sharon casually picks up the platypus just as Ozzy's foot comes down. Ozzy looks at the ground.

OZZY
Sharon! Get the gun, it's turned invisible.

Sharon hands the animal to Steve, who is calming down.

SHARON
That’s probably a little too much stimulation for him, Steve. Do you have an animal that doesn’t do much?

STEVE (breathing heavily)
Oi, that was close. Thought the little guy was a goner. Okay, this next one is from a group of animals that usually scare people to death, but ’e’s really cute as a button. Say ’ello to the Jamaican Fruit Bat.

Steve holds up a cute little bat.

STEVE
This little guy's name is Marley, and ’e's...

OZZY
Fruit?

Ozzy snatches Marley from Steve and bites its head off.

OZZY
Yuck! (spits out the head) It doesn’t taste like bloody fruit!

Steve grabs the head and the torso from Ozzy.

STEVE
Marley, oh my God, you...you...killed ’im!

OZZY
Tastes more like chicken.

Steve cradles the bat and rocks back and forth with it. He is unable to continue, so Sharon turns to the camera.

SHARON
Thanks for watching the Alligator Guy.

STEVE (to Ozzy)
Murderer!

SHARON
Please join us again when my husband will not be eating any animals. (To Kelly) Be a dear and fetch your father’s rabies kit.

We Have Ways of Making You Talk, Eh?

Somewhere in Canada....

In a dark prison, a military man, COLONEL LaTRIENNE, leads a hooded, shackled prisoner down a hall.

LaTRIENNE
Welcome back to Canada, you terrorist scum.

PRISONER
Nice to be back. I'm not much of a hot weather guy, so I'm really glad to be back in a temperate climate.

LaTRIENNE
Silence! Listen, you may think you've got it easy by coming back here from Guantanamo, but you're about to learn that we Canadians are not all "please" and "thank you."

LaTrienne stops before a door and unlocks it. He pushes the prisoner into an interrogation room. Two soldiers, LEE and LIFESON, sit at a table, playing cards.

LIFESON
Ha, go fish!

LaTRIENNE
Attention!

The men drop the cards and awkwardly come to their feet and salute. LaTrienne pulls the hood off the prisoner.

LaTRIENNE
Privates Lee and Lifeson, this is Farid al-Haziz.

PRISONER
My friends call me Fred.

LEE and LIFESON
Hey, Fred.

LaTRIENNE (reaching over to twist Fred's left nipple)
Silence.

FRED
Ow!

LaTRIENNE
Men, this prisoner is a suspected terrorist, and we need to interrogate him. I want you to find out what he knows about any terrorist plans to attack Canada.

FRED
Attack Canada?

Fred, Lee, Lifeson all laugh together.

LEE
What, do they hate us for our Tim Hortons?

They laugh again, but LaTrienne twists Fred's other nipple, which silences the men.

LaTRIENNE (shoving Fred toward the privates)
Find out what he knows. Use any means necessary.

LaTrienne leaves.

Twenty minutes later, LaTrienne comes back to the door. He hears sobbing, and a voice say, "No, I don't want to talk anymore." LaTrienne smiles as he walks in. But the smile turns into a snarl when he sees Fred hugging a sobbing Lifeson.

FRED
It's okay, man, my dad was a real bastard too. Just let it out.

LaTrienne pulls them apart.

LaTRIENNE
Sacrebleu! What is this, Oprah? Now get some information out of him!

LaTrienne turns to leave, but not before turning around and twisting Fred's nipples. He laughs as Fred cries out, and then leaves.

FRED
Man, what is that guy's problem?

LEE
He's from Quebec.

Thirty minutes elapse. LaTrienne returns to the room and enters. Lee and Lifeson stand by Fred at a water-filled barrel. Fred's head is under the water.

LaTRIENNE
Ah ha! Now we are getting somewhere!

Fred pulls his head up, holding an apple with his teeth.

LIFESON
Man, Fred wins again. How can you hold your breath under water for so long?

FRED (spitting the apple out)
I had a lot of practice during my previous detention.

LaTrienne marches into the room. Fred instinctively covers his nipples.

LaTRIENNE
I am going to say this one time: I have to leave for two hours. When I return, I want to know everything this man knows. If you do not extract that information...

Lee and Lifeson lean in.

LIFESON
Go on.

LaTrienne twists his nipple.

LIFESON
Owwww. Man, Fred, you're not kidding, that really hurts.

LaTRIENNE (holding up two fingers)
Two hours. Find out everything.

LaTrienne turns around and leaves. Lee and Lifeson huddle together.

LIFESON
How are we going to make him talk? I don't want to, you know, hurt him.

LEE
I've got an idea. They say you can catch more flies with honey...

LIFESON
I thought that was bears?

LEE
Just let me handle this. (He turns to Fred.) Fred, I've got a proposal for you.

The hands on the clock begin to spin. Lee, Lifeson, and Fred play "Tom Sawyer" on Rock Band, with Fred on drums. Fred flails at the end of the song and fails.

LEE
Ha, beat you. Okay, start talking.

The hands spin again. Fred kneels on the floor with a beer bong in his mouth while Lifeson pours LaBatt's into the funnel. Fred starts to chug but can't get it all down, getting beer all over his face. The three share a hearty laugh as Fred starts talking again.

The hands spin another time. The three sit at a table playing Trivial Pursuit: Canadian Edition.

FRED
Oh, I should know this. Is it Honeymoon Suite?

LEE
No, the correct answer is Glass Tiger. You owe us some more intel.

The clock hands advance and stop. LaTrienne walks back into the room. Lee and Lifeson stand over Fred, who looks exhausted and defeated.

LaTRIENNE
So, were you successful?

LEE
Were we!

LaTRIENNE
Excellent. Tell me everything you know.

LEE
Okay, Fred here is a Pisces. He's not supposed to eat pork but he loves back bacon, he has every single SCTV episode on tape, and under extreme pressure, he'll admit to owning every Bryan Adams record. And check this out: he's from Ottawa and it turns out we once dated the same girl during the same week.

LIFESON
What are the odds, eh?

LaTRIENNE (running his hand down his face in frustration)
That's what you learned? Nothing about his plans to attack Canada?

Lifeson giggles but sees LaTrienne's face and stifles it.

LEE
Yeah, he says he's not a terrorist. Oh, but he hates hockey. That's kind of weird, eh?

LaTRIENNE (thinking)
Really? Wait here.

LaTrienne leaves the room for a moment.

LIFESON (high-fiving Lee and Fred)
Nice job.

LEE
Hey, Fred, sorry we had to get a little rough on you there.

FRED
No problem, guys.

LaTrienne returns with two hockey sticks and a puck. He gives the sticks to Lee and Lifeson.

LaTRIENNE
Privates, you have done a great job today. I think you can relax with a little floor hockey. You two versus Fred.

He tosses Fred the puck. As soon as Fred touches it, Lee and Lifeson are on him, checking and swatting with the sticks. Fred tries to escape but they pursue him off screen.

FRED
Ow, no, not with the stick!

LaTRIENNE (pulling a whistle from his pocket)
Just let me know when you're ready to talk, Fred.

Fred cries out in pain. As LaTrienne smiles, the puck flies in and hits LaTrienne in the face, knocking him to the floor.

LaTRIEENE (weakly)
I should have joined the Foreign Legion.

The Birds and the Bees Gone Wild

In the living room of a typical suburban home, a teenage boy and girl make out on the couch. The boy's hand starts to drift southward.

ABBY
Peter?

Peter pulls his hand back quickly.

PETER
I'm sorry, I got a little carried away, I didn't mean to....

ABBY
No, just get the light.

PETER
Oh...right!

He reaches up and turns it off. The living room goes dark for a few moments as we hear the sounds of amorous kissing.

The door opens and Peter's parents, PAULA and HARRY step in, flicking on the light. Peter and Abby are horizontal on the couch, with Abby's blouse unbuttoned. They sit bolt upright as the parents look on.

PETER
Mom! Dad!

PAULA
I can't believe what I'm seeing, in my own house, on my own couch.

Harry walks toward Peter, reaches out to him, and pulls him into a big hug.

HARRY
That a boy, Pete!

PAULA (tearing up)
It's so beautiful! Oh, Petey, we're so proud.

PETER
Abby, these are my parents.

HARRY (shaking hands)
I'm Harry Longwood.

PAULA (gives Abby a hug)
And I'm Paula Pounding-Longwood. So, has our little Peter been getting you aroused?

ABBY
Nice to meet...I'm sorry, what?

PAULA
Aroused. (to Peter) Don't tell me you forgot everything I taught you about the erogenous zones, Petey? And what did I tell you about the importance of nipple stimulation, young man?

HARRY
Son, did you put a little pressure on her mons pubis while gently stroking her....

PETER
Dad, Jesus! (to Abby) You'll have to forgive my parents, they're...adult entertainers.

ABBY
You're in porn?

HARRY (sighs)
Porn sounds so dirty...

PAULA (playfully slaps his chest)
Oh, don't be so sensitive. I swear, the only thing more sensitive than my husband's testicles is his pride. We were in porn...

HARRY
Exotic pictures

PAULA
...but we hung up our g-strings and lube a while ago. I write marriage self-help books now.

ABBY (relieved)
Oh, really? You know, my parents are having some problems...

PAULA (goes to the bookshelf)
Say no more! Here, give them a copy of my latest book. (She hands it to Abby.)

ABBY (reading the title)
Happy Analversary: 69 Ways to Keep Your Marriage Pumping Along. Um, thanks. And what do you do now, Mr. Longwood?

HARRY
I own my own business.

PETER (quickly)
He's in latex!

PAULA
Petey, you make it sound so industrial. Peter's father makes his own dildos.

ABBY
Dildos?

HARRY
I prefer the term "marital aids." But yes, I model and manufacture them. "If you want it good, get a Longwood."

PAULA (to Abby)
Here, dear, let me get you one. Your parents will need it for chapters 15-26.

Two people enter the front door. One is a woman dressed in a leather uniform. She carries a whip and holds a chain attached to the collar of a man wearing a leather mask with a zipper that's closed over his mouth. Abby lets out a surprised gasp.

PETER (sighing)
Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Greenberg.

Mr. Greenberg waves and says a muffled "hello." Mrs. Greenberg walks over and hugs Peter, dragging Mr. Greenberg with her.

MRS. GREENBERG
Peter, I didn't know you were home from school. My goodness, look at you.

PETER
Yes, and look at you. Abby, these are the Greenbergs, friends of my parents.

PAULA
We interrupted Petey and Abby when we came home, if you know what I mean.

MRS GREENBERG
Oooohhhh. (She elbows Peter knowingly.) Well, we'll let you get back to whatever you kids were doing. (to Peter's parents) We'll be down in the dungeon.

Mrs. Greenberg leads her husband away, and he muffles a goodbye as he departs.

ABBY
I need to use your bathroom.

PETER
Upstairs, second door on the right.

Abby departs up the stairs.

PAULA
We should leave you alone.

PETER
Mom, Dad, why is it every time I bring a girl over, you guys have to pressure me about having sex with her?

HARRY
What do you mean?

PETER
Every girlfriend I've ever had, you guys start talking about G-spots before you even know her name.

HARRY
Oh, you're exaggerating.

PETER
Am I? Remember Melinda? Mom asked her if she'd ever had a vaginal orgasm with me before she and I even kissed.

PAULA
I was just making conversation.

PETER
We were at her church picnic!

PAULA
Well excuse me for wanting my son to know how to get a woman off!

PETER
You guys put all this pressure on me to have sex, talking about stimulation this and arousal that, and it makes me crazy. God, it's no wonder I'm still a virgin.

Harry and Paula gasp.

PAULA
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

PETER
Hear what? That I AM A VIRGIN! Virgin! Virgin! Virgin!

HARRY
Peter, do not talk to your mother like that. (Pauses.) Son, I'm sorry if we pressured you. We just wanted you to be happy and experience the kind of love your mother and I have. I guess things are just different today than when we met on the set of Cockadile Dundee. We'll leave you and....

PETER (rolls eyes)
Abby.

HARRY
Right, Abby. We'll leave you and Abby alone to do whatever you want...or don't want.

PAULA
We love you, Petey, and Abby seems like a wonderful girl. I hope we didn't mess things up for you.

Paula hugs Peter before she and Harry leave to go downstairs. Abby returns as they depart.

ABBY
Was somebody shouting "I am a virgin"?

PETER
Yeah, that was me. Listen, Abby, I'm sorry about all of this. My parents, the Greenbergs, the book, the...dildos. I'm not some kind of freak, and we can take things nice and slow if you want.

ABBY (approaching him)
Peter, that's really sweet, and I appreciate how you're looking out for me. But we've been going out for a while now and...I think we can speed things up a bit.

PETER
Really?

ABBY
In fact, I was just reading Chapter 3 of your mom's book while I was upstairs. She's got some good suggestions. And what was that your father said about the mons pubis?

They start kissing, and Peter reaches over to shut off the light. There's some rustling before they hear two cracks of a whip.

MRS GREENBERG (from downstairs)
You've been a very, very naughty boy.

Peter flips the light back on.

ABBY
How about we go back to my place?

PETER
Sounds good.

The Skanktity of Marriage

In a very large and expensive-looking kitchen, DICK, a 50-ish man, sits at the table, reading the paper. His wife, FAITH, about 20 years his junior, sets the table.

DICK
It’ll be nice to have all the kids home for Thanksgiving, don’t you think, hon?

FAITH
It’ll be better when Consuela shows up with the turkey and gets all this cooking done. I swear, supervising the help is so stressful.

DICK (grabbing her hand)
Don’t you worry your pretty blonde head, sweetheart. You manage the help much better than my other wives did.

They give each other air kisses without actually kissing. Dick turns back to the paper.

DICK
I can’t believe these homosexuals are getting so upset about this Prop 8 stuff. Thank God we voted against it.

FAITH
I know. Marriage is sacred. If they started getting married, it’s like all marriages would be meaningless.

DICK
Exactly. And I don’t want our marriage to be meaningless.

There’s a knock at the back door. At the same time, the kitchen phone rings.

FAITH (walking to the back door)
I’ll get the door. It’s probably Consuela.

DICK (answering the phone)
Thanks, hon. (into the phone) Hello?

Faith opens the door. A strapping young man, DIEGO, stands in the doorway.

FAITH (startled)
Diego? (harshly whispering) What the hell are you doing here?

DIEGO
Mira, I cannot be away from you, señora. Te amo, Mrs. Faith.

DICK (looking over his shoulder as he whispers into the phone)
Barbara, why are you calling me on my home phone? What if Faith picked up? (pauses) Well, I sure as hell care if she finds out about us.

He sees Diego in the doorway. He waves.

DIEGO (waving back as he whispers to Faith)
Mira, run away with me. We can get married.

FAITH (speaking loudly)
Why, Diego, I thought I told you the pool didn’t need to be cleaned today. (To Dick) Who is that, honey?

DICK
Um, Bob Johnson. Boring work stuff. You know that Bob, never takes a day off.

They both give each other cute smiles, wrinkling their noses at each other, before turning back to their conversations.

DICK (into the phone)
Of course I care for you, Barbara. But I told you when we started this affair that I care about my marriage.

FAITH (to Diego)
Are you out of your fucking mind? Run away with you? To where, the pool house?

DICK (loudly)
Look, Bob, you’re going to have to work this out on your own. I have to go now. You have a Happy Thanksgiving.

As he hangs up the phone, a woman's voice yells through the receiver:

BARBARA (yelling through the phone)
Go to hell you son of a—

FAITH (loudly)
Now, Diego, I don’t need you to come back until Monday. Just remember, you come to work on the days Dick goes to work, comprende? You have a nice Thanksgiving.

Faith closes the door as Diego protests. She locks it and turns to Dick. They smile and cross the room to embrace.

DICK
I love you.

FAITH
I love you, too.

A young man, CHASE, enters. His face is stubbly, his clothes wrinkled, and he looks like he hasn’t slept in a couple of days. On his arm is CANDY, a tan, thin woman with a giant chest and a bad red-haired dye-job. Dick and Faith turn to see him.

DICK
Chase!

CHASE
Hi, dad. Hi, Faith.

FAITH
Who’s this?

CHASE
Candy, this is my dad and my stepmom. (to Dick and Faith) Dad, Faith, this is Candy...my wife!

FAITH
What? You were only in Vegas for two days?

CHASE
I know it’s crazy.

CANDY (chewing gum as she talks)
What can I say? I saw him while I was dancing and when he slipped a dollar into my....

CHASE (interrupting)
I saw Candy at her, um, place of employment, and after watching her in action, I fell for her. Over the next 22 hours, I realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

CANDY
It was fate.

CHASE
Yeah, we didn’t know if we should do this, so we let the roulette wheel decide. I told Candy to pick a number...

CANDY
I picked red 21 ’cause I’m 21 and my hair’s, you know, red.

FAITH (aside)
Yeah, the bottle is red.

CHASE
And red 21 came up! We drove through the wedding chapel and here we are!

DICK (waits a beat with his arms crossed sternly before breaking into a smile)
Congratulations, son! (He hugs Chase.)

FAITH
Dick, don’t you think this is a little sudden?

DICK
Nonsense. That’s what they said about us, honey bunny, and look how happy we are. Welcome to the family, Candy.

CANDY
Thanks...Dad! (They hug.)

Another young woman, HOPE, walks into the kitchen.

FAITH
Hope!

HOPE
Hi Mom. Hi Dick. Hi Chase. Hi...woman with Chase.

CHASE
Candy, this is my stepsister, Hope. Hope, this is my wife!

HOPE
Get out! I’m getting married too!

FAITH (excited)
You are?

DICK (concerned)
Who’s the guy?

HOPE (reaches into her purse)
You mean, who’s the daddy? (She pulls out a pregnancy test.)

FAITH
You’re pregnant, too!

HOPE
Yep. And he’s a lawyer!

Faith and Hope shriek in happiness and hug.

DICK
I don’t know, Hope, is this a good idea?

FAITH
It’s fine, honey. It just like what happened with my first marriage.

DICK (relaxing)
You’re right. And you're doing the right thing by getting married. (He hugs Hope.)

Someone slams into the back door. Dick walks over and unlocks it. CHAZ, Chase’s older brother, enters.

CHAZ
Hi Dad, hi everyone.

The family gives Chase a series of half-hearted hellos. They don’t appear happy to see him.

CHAZ
I hope you don’t mind, but I brought someone with me.

DANIEL enters.

CHAZ
This is Daniel. My...husband.

DANIEL
Spouse, dear, we said we weren’t going to conform to these sexist hetero naming conventions. (To the family) Happy Thanksgiving!

The family stares with their jaws open.

DICK
Your husband?!

DANIEL
Spouse.

CHAZ
Yes, we just got back from Massachusetts.

The family erupts in a series of protests.

HOPE
Oh my god, could you show less reverence for marriage?

CHASE
Yeah, you’re making a mockery of it.

FAITH
And it’s so immoral.

DICK
Chaz, how could you? I told you not to bring your...friends...here, and you bring your...whatever he is? I will not have the institution of marriage insulted under my own roof during Thanksgiving.

Chaz gets upset. He turns to Daniel.

CHAZ
I told you they wouldn’t understand. Come on, Daniel, I think Denny’s is open.

DANIEL
Wow, they really are just like you said.

They depart.

FAITH
So appalling. Thank goodness California isn’t Massachusetts.

DICK
I know, and I’m sorry all of you had to see that. Let’s gather ’round and say a prayer, so that God will show Chaz the path to good, wholesome, committed love.

They gather around the table and bow their heads in prayer. The phone rings.

FAITH
I’ll get it.

Dick leaps from the table.

DICK
No!

Lazarus: The Day After

Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. "Take away the stone," he said.

"But, Lord," said Martha, the sister of the dead man, "by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days."

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"

So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, "Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me."

When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!" The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

Jesus said to them, "Take off the grave clothes and let him go."
--John 11: 38-45

LAZARUS appears at his GIRLFRIEND’s house.

GIRLFRIEND
Lazarus! Is that really you?

LAZARUS (hugging her)
Oh, baby, you have no idea how much I missed you. Those four days away from you felt like an eternity.

GIRLFRIEND (nervous laughter)
Yeah, they felt like an eternity to me, too.

LAZARUS
I have a whole new perspective on life. I'm going to treat every minute like it's my last. That's why I want to get married.

GIRLFRIEND
Married?

LAZARUS
Right away. (Gets down on a knee and presents a spectacular diamond ring.) Will you marry me?

GIRLFRIEND
Wow, look at that ring! Where did you get the money for that?

LAZARUS
I had Jesus make it for me out of clay. So what do you say?

GIRLFRIEND
I can't. I’m sort of...married.

LAZARUS
Married? When did that happen?

GIRLFRIEND
Two days ago.

LAZARUS
You got married two days after I died?

GIRLFRIEND
Hey, I’m already 20. I had to move on with my life. Josephus the Goat Herder asked and I said yes. We didn’t want to wait so we went to that little chapel in Bethlehem.

LAZARUS
I can't believe it.

GIRLFRIEND
Well, sweetie, I can't believe you're not dead.


Lazarus appears at the local shipping dock to see his BOSS.

LAZARUS
Hey, boss.

BOSS
Jesus Christ!

LAZARUS
Exactly!

BOSS
What are you doing here?

LAZARUS
I came back for my old job. I’m ready to fish like there’s no tomorrow and feel the life-affirming satisfaction of a job well done.

BOSS
That’s great, except I already gave your job to someone else.

LAZARUS
Who?

BOSS
A Samaritan. Honestly, he works harder than you did when you were alive.

LAZARUS
But I was only dead for four freaking days!

BOSS
I know, but fish don’t mourn, Lazarus.

LAZARUS
You know what, screw working. Life's too short to waste on a boat with a bunch of smelly fish. I'm going to get my stuff and see the world. The primitive beauty of Gaul. The imperial splendor of Rome. The exotic...exoticness of India.

BOSS
Before you bid us goodbye, you owe me four pieces of silver for the four days you didn't report to work.


Lazarus is at local Roman government office, talking to an OFFICIAL.

LAZARUS
What do you mean I can’t travel abroad?

OFFICIAL (looking over scrolls)
You can’t travel abroad because I don’t have a box to check.

LAZARUS
A box to check?

OFFICIAL
Yes. I have boxes for born, married, divorced, widowed, remarried, multiply married, fed to the lions, fed to the gladiators, stoned, crucified, and 67 other death categories. But no box for "resurrected." And we can’t just let the dead wander the earth, can we? I’m afraid you’ll have to stay in Galilee.

LAZARUS
Until when?

OFFICIAL
Until the Second Coming. (Laughs at his own joke.) Or until I get a box to check.


Lazarus talks to the apostle PETER.

LAZARUS
Peter, I have seen the light. Love, work, travel...I reject all of these pursuits. I want to devote my life to Jesus.

PETER
Terriffic. We are always looking for more disciples.

LAZARUS
Yes, well, I was hoping I could be an apostle.

PETER
I'm afraid we don’t have any openings right now.

LAZARUS
Just add me. The more the merrier!

PETER
Thirteen apostles? We're fishers of men, not the baker's dozen of Christ.

LAZARUS
Come on. I was raised from the dead by your boss! That's gotta make me better candidate than Bartholomew or Simon the Zealot.

PETER
I'm so sorry. But we'll keep your beseeching on file in case something opens up.


Lazarus appears at the farm of his sister, MARTHA.

LAZARUS
I tell you, Martha, I'm so glad to be back home. If you don't mind, I've had a very stressful week, and I'm going to retire early to my room.

MARTHA
Laz, honey, we kind of turned your room into a shrine.

LAZARUS
A shrine?

MARTHA
To Jesus. For resurrecting you. But we fixed you up a nice spot in the barn.


Lazarus lays in the hay in the barn, surrounded by animals. Rain pours in from the leaky roof onto his head.

LAZARUS
I wish I was dead.

First Word, One Syllable, Sounds Like Bush

Inside the White House, the Presidential and Vice Presidential families gather round a roaring fire near the Christmas tree. LAURA, JENNA, and BARBARA BUSH sit with VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY, LYNNE CHENEY, MARY CHENEY, and her partner, HEATHER POE. CONDOLEEZA RICE stands by the fire, an empty glass in her hand. PRESIDENT BUSH mans the punch bowl.

Laura Bush chain smokes while the Cheney's and Bush's make small talk. Vice President Cheney ignores them, running his index finger over a globe.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY (poking at various countries on the globe)
Eenie, meenie, miny, moe, pick a target by its toe….

PRESIDENT BUSH (holding up punch ladle)
Who wants more of my Bunch?

MARY (waving empty glass and slurring)
I do, I do!

HEATHER
(To Mary) I think you've had enough. (To Bush) Mr. President, no more punch for her.

PRESIDENT BUSH
It's "Bunch," dear.

HEATHER
Bunch?

PRESIDENT BUSH
That's an abbreviational for "Bush punch." It's a special Bush recipe.

POE
What makes it so special?

PRESIDENT BUSH (smirking)
I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Tell her, tell her!

LYNNE
Dick!

PRESIDENT BUSH
(To himself) Heh-heh-heh, that never gets old. (To Rice) Condi, I know you want some.

CONDI (slurring with inebriation)
Sssure. And make mine extra ssspecial

PRESIDENT BUSH
Two extra specials coming up.

When no one is looking, President Bush holds his wrist above the cup and presses a cufflink. Brown liquor pours out from under his shirt cuff into the cups. He ladles a small amount of punch into the glasses. As he turns to give Condi her glass, a large, bottle shaped hump appears under the back of his suit coat.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Bottoms up!

As President Bush goes to drink, Condi hooks her drinking arm around his, pulling herself in close to the President.

CONDI
Is that a direct order, sssir?

Laura gives Condi a stare.

LAURA (overly cheerful)
Condi, I am surprised you're not spending Christmas with your family?

CONDI (draining her Bunch in one gulp first)
I don't have any family.

LAURA
Oh, that's right! I'm the one with the children and the husband. (She exhales smoke in Condi's direction.)

LYNNE (clears throat)
Say, what about a game of charades?

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY (under breath)
Lord, give me another heart attack now.

PRESIDENT BUSH
That sound like fun! I want to be Sonny Bono.

LAURA
No, dear, not Cher-ades. Cha-rades, where you have to guess the word.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Oh, right. I knew that. Okay, okay, let me go first.

President Bush motions for one word, one syllable. Before he does anything, Cheney guesses.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Poop.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Heh-heh-heh, how'd you know, Dick? Heh-

Vice President Cheney raises a finger and makes a throat slashing gesture at the President. Bush's last heh-hehs get cut off.

PRESIDENT BUSH (swallowing hard)
Mary, why don't you go?

MARY (finishing her Bunch)
Ummm, okay.

She motions for four words, first word, one syllable. While looking at Jenna, Mary points to her own eye.

JENNA
Eye…(Mary claps)…oh, I! I guessed right. (To Barbara) I'm winning!

Barbara rolls her eyes. Mary motions for the second word, one syllable, and strikes The Thinker pose.

JENNA
I…sit on the toilet?

PRESIDENT BUSH
I poop!

BARBARA
I think.

Mary claps and motions for the third word. She gestures for third word, two syllables. She points to Jenna.

JENNA
Me? I think me?

BARBARA (sighing)
I think Jenna.

JENNA
What? What do I think?

Mary motions for the fourth word, one syllable. She waves her hand like she's fanning herself.

PRESIDENT BUSH
I think Jenna waves. What the heck does that mean?

BARBARA
It's "hot."

Heather stands up.

HEATHER
You think Jenna's hot? How could you?

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Probably because you look like K.D. Lang.

Heather runs out of the room. Mary runs after her. There's a pause before Jenna turns to Barbara.

JENNA
In your face, Barbara! Mary thinks I'm hot.

BARBARA
You know, what, Jenna? Why don't you….

LAURA
Girls? You promised.

BARBARA (waits a beat, then smiles)
You're right, mother. Here, I've got one.

Barbara stands up and indicates one word, one syllable. She cups her ear.

LAURA
Sounds like…

Barbara makes a spanking motion.

LAURA
Sounds like, "spank."

Barbara then points to Jenna.

LAURA
Um, drank, prank…

CONDI
Ssskank!

Barbara claps. Laura stands up and throws her cigarette on the floor.

LAURA (to Condi)
Don't you talk to my daughter like that, you helmet-haired hussie!

CONDI
What's your bony-ass, cancer sucking, Stepford ass going to do about it?

Laura lunges at Condi and pulls at her hair. Jenna shoves Barbara as well.

JENNA
I'm not a skank. You're just jealous because I'm Mary Cheney's favorite Bush.

BARBARA
I'll bet you are.

Jenna gets a confused look for a moment, then makes an angry face. She lunges at Barbara and they go tumbling to the floor.

The four women fight for a moment, eventually spilling out of the room and out of sight.

LYNNE
Shouldn't somebody do something?

PRESIDENT BUSH (pouring himself more Bunch)
Oh, the Secret Service should stop them before anyone gets seriously hurt. Come on, let's keep playing.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
You want to play charades, George? Okay, here's one for you.

Cheney stands up and signals three words, first words, two syllables. He points to his eye.

PRESIDENT BUSH
See…sight…blind…Stevie Wonder!

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Christ on a crutch!

PRESIDENT BUSH
That's more than one syllababel.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
It's "I," you chimp.

He motions for second word, one syllable. Cheney starts running in place.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Trotting…jogging…Jim Fixx…heart attack…Oh my God, are you having a heart attack?

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
For God's sake, it's "Iran."

PRESIDENT BUSH
Oh, right. I was going to guess that.

Cheney motions for the third word, two syllables. He extends his arms and runs around the room, making jet engine and bombing noises.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Flying…Jets…Wings…Paul McCartney…Baby, I'm Amazed…Baby Fishmouth.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
It's Iran Airstrike! It's the same fucking clue I've been giving you for the last two years, you goddamned smirking buttfaced mouthbreathing….

He stops and grabs his heart.

PRESIDENT BUSH (excited)
Wait, I know this one: heart attack!

LYNNE (standing up, nonplussed)
No, he's just having some chest pains. He needs to take a time out and relax a bit. (She takes the Vice President's hand.) Come, dear, think happy thoughts. Unilateral military action…executive privilege…the presidential line of succession.

She leads the Vice President out of the room. Bush stands alone for a moment, then triggers his cufflink and fills his glass with booze, not even bothering to add punch before drinking.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Heh-heh, poop.

Fox News Family Feud

A game show stage shrouded in darkness. An ANNOUNCER speaks.

ANNOUNCER
Today, two groups of Fox News personalities will square off on the most Fair and Balanced game show in America....Fox News Family Feud.

The lights go up. There are two families. The Conservatives include SEAN HANNITY, GRETCHEN CARLSON, BRITT HUME, JOHN GIBSON, and MICHELLE MALKIN. Across from them are the Liberals, with only ALAN COLMES present.

ANNOUNCER
And now, let’s give a big welcome to your hostess, a lady who’s got more balls than a major league batting practice...Ann Coulter!

ANN COULTER strides out in a pants suit.

COULTER (adjusting crotch as she walks on stage)
Welcome to Fox News Family Feud, the show that reports what we decide to tell Fox News viewers! Let’s meet our families!

She walks over to the Conservatives.

COULTER (to Sean Hannity)
I know this handsome devil very well! Ladies and gentlemen, Sean Hannity!

Couler reaches over to kiss him on the cheek, but Hannity grabs her and tries to kiss her lips. Coulter shoves him off.

COULTER
Sean! Don’t make me spank you!

HANNITY (low)
Please do! I’ve been so bad.

COULTER
Just introduce your teammates, you boot licker.

HANNITY (composes himself)
From Fox & Fiends…(slaps his own cheek) sorry, Fox and Friends, the lovely Gretchen Carlson.

CARLSON
Hi! I heard Hillary is actually part of an Al Qaeda sleeper cell!

HANNITY
Next to her, the legendary Britt Hume.

HUME (twitching)
Grr…Mexicans!

HANNITY
Author and host John Gibson

GIBSON
I’ve written a new book, The War on Christmas in July: Why Liberals Hate Our Summer Retail Sales.

HANNITY
And finally, the one-and-only Michelle Malkin.

MALKIN (twitching)
Grr…Muslims!

COULTER (moving to the other side of the stage)
And over on my left, Alan Colmes, playing for the Wusses.

COLMES
Ann, how many times do I have to correct you? It’s pronounced “liberals.”

COULTER
Here we go. Wusses go first. One hundred Fox News viewers surveyed, top five answers on the board. A number of high profile Republicans have been caught in sex scandals. What encouraged them to engage in these affairs?

COLMES
I’ll say their suppressed sexual desires.

COULTER
You would say that….show me suppression of sexual desires.

There’s a BUZZ as the answer board flashes a big red X.

COULTER
Nice try, four eyes. (Moves to the other side of the stage.) Okay, conservatives, here’s your chance. What pushed these Republican congressmen down the path of sexual perversion?

HUME
Mexicans!

HANNITY
Not yet, Britt! (to Coulter) We’re going to go with Clinton’s Penis.

COULTER
Show me Clinton’s Penis!

The board DINGS and the top answer, with 100 responses, is Clinton’s Penis.

COLMES
Wait, if that’s 100, what are the other four answers?

The board turns the other four spots over, all of which are blank.

COULTER
All our viewers had the same answer, Alan. We just wanted to fool you. Okay, next question, for the Conservatives. One hundred Fox News viewers surveyed, top five answers on the board. Why are our borders flooded with illegal immigrants?

HUME and MALKIN (together)
Mexicans!

COULTER
Are you sure? Think really hard about your answer.

HUME
More Mexicans!

MALKIN
No, wait...the answer is Clinton’s Penis!

COULTER
Let’s see Clinton’s Penis!

The board DINGS and Clinton’s Penis is the number one answer, with 100 responses.

COULTER
Tough break Alan, but I’m sure you would have given me some nonsense answer anyway. Here’s your last shot. You have to get points here to get to the bonus round. One hundred Fox viewers surveyed, top two answers on the board. Why is John Edwards such a Brecht girl faggot pants?

COLMES
Is that really the question!

COULTER (checking her cards)
Oops, you’re right, that’s a draft of my next column. Here’s the actual question. Who was responsible for 9/11?

COLMES
Osama bin Laden.

COULTER
Show me Obama!

The board DINGS and the second spot is Barack Obama with 49 points.

COLMES
I said "Osama. "

COULTER (shrugs)
Yes, our judges accepted that, too. (Walking to Conservatives, who huddle together in a conference.) Okay, Conservatives, one more answer left. What’s it going to be?

HANNITY (breaking huddle)
We’re going to go with...Clinton’s Penis!

COULTER
Flash me Clinton’s Penis!

The board DINGS and Clinton’s Penis is number one with 51 responses.

COULTER
Since the Moonbats managed to score some points, they qualify for the double-bonus round. Conservatives, who’s going to go against Alan?

HANNITY
I’ll do it. I’m used to kicking his ass.

Hannity and Colmes square off in the center stage.

COULTER
This next prize is a big one. Johnny, tell them what they’re playing for...

ANNOUNCER
The winner of this round will receive...The White House!

A picture of The White House flashes on screen.

ANNOUNCER (cont.)
You’ll receive four to eight years in the most powerful political position on Earth, where you can spy on Americans, start wars, and treat the Constitution like a roll of Charmin.

A Diebold voting machine shows on the screen.

ANNOUNCER (cont.)
This fabulous prize is brought to you by Diebold, makers of fine electoral “voting” machines! When you need to win, you need Diebold!

COULTER
Sean, play or pass?

HANNITY
I’ll pass.

COULTER
Alan, here’s the question, and the top two answers are on the board. What is the greatest threat to American security in 2008?

COLMES (sighs)
Ugh

COULTER
Ten seconds. Right answer gives you the White House.

COLMES
(pauses) I can’t believe I’m going to say it, but...Clinton’s penis.

COULTER
That a boy! (to the board) Unleash Clinton’s penis!

The board DINGS and shows Clinton’s penis with 49 responses.

COULTER
Oh, close but no White House cigar! Sean, here’s your chance.

HANNITY
Wow, for once I agreed with Alan. But if it’s not Clinton's Penis, it must be...(snaps fingers) Hillary’s Penis!

The board DINGS and turns over Hillary’s penis with 51 responses.

COLMES
That’s preposterous, how can a woman have a penis!

COULTER
Oh, let me show you, my peg boy! (She grabs Colmes's hand and presses it to her crotch.) That’s all the time we have. Tune in next week when the Conservatives square off against five scarecrows playing for the Liberals!

Mind Over Matter

Inside the living room of a house. There are huge boxes all over the floor, a couch, a television, some lamps, a bookcase with books piled on the floor next to it, and other furnishings. ASHLEY sits on the couch talking on the phone.

ASHLEY
I don't care how good looking he is, Julie, you know I have to have some brains to go with the brawn. (Knocking at the door) Look, the movers are here, I have to go.

She hangs up and opens the door. MITCH MITCHELL and his twin brother MARTY enter. Mitch and Marty are twenty-something and stand about five feet tall.

ASHLEY
Oh, hi. Can I help you?

MITCH
Hi, ma'am, you must be Ashley. I'm Mitch Mitchell, this is my brother Marty. We're from Mind Over Matter Movers.

MARY
Really? I mean, of course you are. I've been, uh, expecting you.

MITCH
Mind if we start in this room?

ASHLEY
No, go right ahead.

MITCH
Okay. I'll get this TV. Marty, grab those lamps over there.

MARTY
(sarcastically, saluting his brother)
Yes, Herr General

Mitch turns to face the TV, which is bigger than he is. Marty pretends to be surveying the living room as he approaches Ashley.

MARTY
Hi there.

ASHLEY
Hi. Sorry for the double-take there, I just expected somebody...

MARTY
Older?

ASHLEY
No, a little more...traditional. In the mover sense.

MARTY
Well, can more traditional movers do this?

Marty stares at two lamps on the floor. Slowly, they begin to levitate off the ground. They rise into the air and rotate around each other. Marty makes juggling motions with his hands.

ASHLEY
Wow! That's amazing!

MARTY
(nonchalantly)
What, you've never seen someone juggle before?

Mitch turns and sees his brother playing around with the lamps.

MITCH
Oh, jeez, not again.

Mitch stares at his brother intently. Suddenly Marty's head snaps forward as if he's been hit from behind. The lamps plunge to the ground. Marty stops them only a few inches above the floor. Marty turns to his brother.

MARTY
Hey! What'd you do that for?

MITCH
How many times do I have to tell you about showing off on the job?

Marty sullenly sets the lamps back on the floor.

MITCH
I apologize for my brother. He has trouble staying focused sometimes.

ASHLEY
Don't apologize, I think it's cool. How did he do that?

MITCH
Actually, it's kind of a mystery.

MARTY
No it's not. We were abducted by aliens.

ASHLEY
Really?

MITCH
Marty! (to Ashley) That's not true, ma'am --

MARTY
Yeah it is. Mitch and I were driving late one night when we saw this bright light. Next thing you know, we're on this alien ship with these metal probes up our butts. When they brought us back, we could move stuff with our minds. I think they must have stuck these computer chips up there or something.

MITCH
(laughing nervously)
That's my brother, always telling stories. We don't really have an explanation. It's just something that happened to us.

MARTY
(whispering to Ashley)
It was the butt probes.

MITCH
Anyway, this is all irrelevant. We should get back to work, Marty.

Mitch turns back to the television set. He stares at it, slowly raising it off the TV stand. He lets out a little grunt, his face strained. Ashley watches in fascination. Mitch raises it for a second, then turns it so it can fit through the door. He grunts as he "carries" it out the door.

MARTY
(to Ashley)
I think the aliens forgot to take the pole out of Mitch's ass.

Ashley laughs as Marty departs for the family room. Ashley returns to packing. Marty calls out from the other room.

MARTY
Ashley, check it out.

Ashley turns to look. Marty enters, riding a surfboard hovering three feet off the ground. He makes motions like he's trying to ride an actual wave.

MARTY
(singing)
"Let's go surfin' now, everybody's learning how. . ." Come on, Ashley, sing with me.

ASHLEY
(laughing)
You're too much.

Mitch returns from outside and sees Marty on the board.

MITCH
Goddammit!

He stares at his brother. Marty receives a phantom blow to the chest, knocking him off the surfboard and onto the very hard, uncarpeted floor. Marty shakes his head, then stands up.

MARTY
Why'd you have to knock me down like that?

Marty levels his gaze at his brother. Mitch gets an invisible shove to his shoulder.

MITCH
Because you're worthless. Every time we move someone we go through this. You screw around while I work my brain off.

Mitch stares at his brother, shoving his shoulder with a telekinetic push.

MARTY
That's because I hate this stupid job. "Let's go into business for ourselves," you said. What a waste! We could be in the circus--

MITCH
Here we go, always with the circus. Maybe I don't want to make a living by having people stare at me like I'm some freak!

Mitch gives Marty an extra hard shove, causing him to take a few steps back.

MARTY
They don't stare at you because you're a freak. They stare at you because you're an asshole.

Marty levitates three large books in the air and launches them at his brother. Mitch dodges the first two, but the third nails him square in the nose.

Mitch stares at the surfboard. One end swiftly rises up, hitting Marty in the face. Ashley finally steps in.

ASHLEY
Both of you, stop it! Either you knock this off or I will get more traditional movers!

MITCH
(holding his nose)
I'm sorry, ma'am. Please forgive us. Come on, Marty, let's get back to work.

MARTY
(rubbing his forehead)
Okay, okay. Sorry, Ashley.

MITCH
Look, I'll take the kitchen. Why don't you finish out here?

Mitch exits. Marty goes up over to Ashley.

MARTY
Say, I know I didn't make a great first impression, but I was wondering . . . .

ASHLEY
(focusing on Marty intently)
Yes, you're just my type and I would love to. Pick me up Friday, 8:30.

Marty raises an eyebrow then smiles. In the background, a couch begins to levitate.

ASHLEY
And I don't do that on the first date.

The couch hits the floor with a thud.