Thursday, March 04, 2010

Repeat post week: Revenge of the Schtick

Over the years, I've written a fair number of pieces that I wound up not posting. Often it's because I have a funny idea--Tara Reid writing a complaint letter to the MacArthur Foundation, asking why she didn't get a genius grant--that doesn't evolve beyond the funny idea stage. Other times it's because something in the news already gets beaten to death by the time I have an idea about it. And, of course, mostly it's because something just sucks.

All of those deserve to be tucked away, but there's one I've always thought was funny enough that I should have put it up: a parody of Revenge of the Sith as directed by Quentin Tarantino.

I didn't post it when I wrote it for a couple reasons. One, I kicked off this blog by going to the QT parody well, and did it with a far less obvious target.

The other was that I didn't write this parody until after I wrote another piece on Lucas's movie: Gene Shalit's parasitic twin reviews Revenge of the Sith, possibly the weirdest thing I've ever written for the blog. I think that post is better than the following sketch because, as astute zombie once pointed out, you don't see the punchline coming from a mile away.

Maybe that's why I never gave this much due: it's a straight parody, with few surprises. While I'm certainly not above the cheap laugh, I do aspire to not getting obvious and predictable in gaining said cheap laughs.

But after thinking about the Gene Shalit post made me think of this sketch, I laughed when I opened it and read it. Maybe you will too.

Quentin Tarantino’s Revenge of the Sith

We see OBI-WAN KINOBI and MACE WINDU standing in front of COUNT DOOKU, seated in a chair. MAR VIN, a young Jedi padewan, cowers on the floor near the door.

And if you strike me down, I shall become...more powerful...than you can possibly imagine!!


Mace slices off Duku’s head with his lightsaber, then retracts the blade. At that moment, a STORMTROOPER bursts through the kitchen door. He fires a dozen shots at point blank range, but all of them wildly miss the two JEDI. They grimace and unleash their lightsabers, cutting the trooper to bits.

The Jedi are riding in a landspeeder on Tatooine. Mar-Vin rides in the back.

OBI-WAN (to Mar-Vin)
Why the fuck didn’t you tell us about the Stormtrooper in the personal waste disposal? Slip your mind? Forget he was in there with a goddamned Galaxy Gun?

We should be fuckin’ one with the Force right now. Did you see that blaster? It was bigger than him.

OBI-WAN (to Mace)
Yeah, we were lucky.

That shit wasn’t luck. It was a Force miracle. The Force was trying to tell me something.

Mace, the Force ties us and binds us, but that doesn’t mean this was a miracle. Shit, I’ve seen a hundred Stormtroopers fire a hundred shots each and not hit a goddamned thing.

If you want to just see with your eyes, fine. But my mitochlorians are telling me that my ass is retired.

What? Because some guy in a plastic helmet couldn’t control his blaster?

I’m telling Yoda today.

Yeah, be sure and tell him why. I’ll bet you ten thousand credits he laughs his green ass off.

I don’t give a damn if he does.

OBI-WAN (turning to Mar-Vin and casually holding his lightsaber)
Mar-Vin, what do you make of all this?

I don’t even have an opinion, Master.

Come on, Mar-Vin, do you think....

Obi-Wan’s lightsaber unexpectedly discharges. Ma- Vin is decapitated, his head sucked into the landspeeder engine, which starts to smoke. Blood sprays everywhere.

What the fuck?

Oh shit, I just cut Mar-Vin’s head off.

Why the fuck did you do that?

It was an accident. You went over a bump of something.

We’re in a motherfuckin’ landspeeder. There ain’t no motherfuckin’ bumps, motherfucker!

All right, all right, don’t get all Bantha-shit crazy on me. Just get us to a friendly place.

This is fuckin’ Tatooine, Obi-Wan. Yoda ain’t got no friendly places in Tatooine. Wait...

Mace calls someone on the communicator.

Ani? How you doing, man, it’s Mace. Listen, me and a buddy of mine are heading out of Tashi Station and need to get off the sand pronto. Can we use your place for a couple hours? I can’t tell you why. Look man, I’m just asking for some sanctuary. Okay, we’ll be gone by then, I promise.

Mace and Obi-Wan stand in a Tatooine farmer’s kitchen. ANAKIN stands before them. Mace drinks a hot beverage.

God-damn, Ani! This is some good shit! Me and Obi-Wan would have been satisfied with some freeze-dried dilithium crystals, but you break out the gormet....

Knock it off, Mace! I don’t need you to tell me how good my fuckin’ morning stimulant is. I’m the one who buys it. When Padme goes to the spaceport, she buys shit. I buy the gormet stuff because I want to feel it on my taste buds. But what’s on my mind right now ain’t the morning stimulant. It’s the dead Jedi in my vaporizer shed. Let me ask you a question, Mace. When you drove up to my place, did you see a sign that said, “Dead Jedi storage?”

Ani, man....

Don’t Ani me, Mace! Did you see a sign that said, “Dead Jedi storage?”

No, I didn’t.

You know why? Cause storing dead Jedis ain’t my fuckin’ business.

Mace tries to interrupt but Anakin won’t let him.

No, you listen to me. Now Padme’s going to be home from the Galactic Senate in about an hour. You need to use the communicator? You need use the Force? You do it, and then get the fuck out of my vapor farm.

YODA sits at a table in his swamp, eating a rancid piece of meat. He is exchanging thoughts with Mace.

YODA (concentrating as we hear a voice over)
What she will do think you? (pauses) No shit fucking freak she will. How bad be it? A lot or a little, mmmm?

Mace sits in Ani’s bedroom, communicating telepathically.

MACE (voice over)
You’ve got to appreciate the explosiveness of this Padme situation. She comes home from a long day’s work in the Galactic Senate and finds a couple of Jedis doing Jedi shit, we might be up to our ass in X-Wings real quick.

YODA (voice over)
So what want you from me to hear?

MACE (voice over)
Me want say you...(grimaces, pauses). What I want to hear from your ass is, “You ain’t got no problem, Mace. I’m on the motherfucker. Go back in there and wait for the armada.”

YODA (imitating Mace)
Problem you ain't got, Mace. On the motherfucker am I. Back in there you go and wait for the Wookie you will.

You sending the Wookie?

Better you feel?

Shit, Master, that’s all you had to say.

In Anakin’s kitchen, there’s the sound of a spaceship landing, and a pounding on the door. Anakin opens it and sees CHEWBACCA. Chewbacca howls.

That’s right, but you can call me Ani. Please come in.

Chewbacca enters sees Obi-Wan and Mace. He lets out a long passage of growls and grunts, gesturing at them and toward the vaporizer shed. When he finishes, Mace and Ani turn to leave.

A “may the Force be with you” would be nice.

Chewbacca turns to him and grunts.

I said a “may the Force be with you” would be nice.

Chewbacca lurches toward him, howling and beating his chest.

I don’t mean any disrespect, I just don’t like people barking orders at me.

Chewbacca grunts and groans, then points to the shed.

In the shed, Mace and Obi-Wan clean the bloody speeder.

I will never forgive your ass for this. This is some fucked up repugnant shit.

I got a threshold, Mace. Right now, I’m a hyperdrive, and you got me revved up in the red and ready to blow through an asteroid belt without the proper coordinates..

Well I’m an ion-cloud-laying motherfucker, motherfucker! Every time I touch bits of blood and bone, I’m the giant asteroid that you’re going to crash into when you jump to lightspeed. In fact, what the fuck am I doing in the back? You should be on brain detail and picking up this padewan’s skull.

Later, the speeder has been cleaned. Chewbacca inspects it and grunts in approval. He motions for Mace and Obi-Wan to strip. They do, and Anakin hoses them down. They put on apprentice robes that are way to small for them. Chewbacca laughs and grunts to Anakin.

Younglings. They look like a couple of younglings!

Ha, ha, motherfucker, they’re your fucking clothes.

Obi-Wan shakes Chewbacca’s hand.

Mr. Wookie, I just want to apologize for what I said back there. It has been a pleasure watching you work.

Chewbacca howls, gestures to all of them, and makes a blowjob motion. All of them laugh, and then they climb into the landspeeder and drive off.


Jennifer said...

Ah, what's better than Yoda speaking Tarantinoese?

word verification? geeked


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I think there would be a decent industry: "finishing blog posts", if only there was some money in it.

Substance McGravitas said...

It's just too easy to be better than George Lucas. It's like making fun of Big Hollyw--

Never mind.

fish said...

I hate Wookies, they are shiftless and lazy.

Churlita said...

"Chewbacca howls, gestures to all of them, and makes a blowjob motion."

Fish, how can you not like anyone that "makes a blowjob motion"?

Kathleen said...

hilarious, really. I'm glad you posted it.

Shit, I’ve seen a hundred Stormtroopers fire a hundred shots each and not hit a goddamned thing.