T: The Party, Part II

Read Part I


AGENTS DEMI KRATT and BENNY DIX are caught by an identical pair of security guards working for SARAH PALIN. The guards march Kratt and Dix into the warehouse before Palin, CHRISTINE O’DONNELL, and GLENN BECK.

PALIN (wiping moose blood off her mouth)
Well, well, well, look what we have here.

AGENT KRATT
My God, what did you do to that moose?

PALIN
I believe it’s what you humans call dinner.

AGENT KRATT
But you ate it like a...like a....

On Palin’s cheek where she was struck the book, a flap of skin falls open. Underneath, Ageny Kratt sees a bit of green, scaly skin.

AGENT KRATT
...a snake!

PALIN (noticing her skin and patting it back into place)
Snakes slither. I’m more like a....(she moves closer and sticks out a long tongue) komodo dragon.

AGENT DIX
So much for that lust in my heart.

AGENT KRATT
My God, what are you?

PALIN
Our name is unpronounceable in your silly tongue, but you can call us the Ts. (She pinches Agent Kratt’s cheek). And lucky for you I just ate or I’d be calling you dinner. I’ll save you for later instead.

O’DONNELL
But I’m hungry now! Can’t I eat her?

PALIN
No! You didn’t finish your moose, so no human for you.

BECK
Your highness, I didn’t agree to this. Kidnapping. Murder. Cannibalism. (his eyes start to get moist) I’m scared.

PALIN
If you don’t shepherd your sheep to those polls on Tuesday, you’re going to be terrified. (She licks the side of his face like she’s tasting him, then slaps his bottom.) And don’t forget what I promised you if we win. Now get! (turns to Kratt and Dix) Come with me so I can blow your mind before I eat your brain for breakfast tomorrow.

Palin and a pair of guards escort Kratt and Dix to a hidden room in the warehouse. It’s a futuristic control room, staffed by more of the guards. They step onto a series of circles and are instantly transported from the warehouse to a spaceship. The spaceship is full of aliens, some disguised as humans, others walking around in their natural lizard forms. Outside of a window, Kratt and Dix see several other ships waiting on the dark side of the moon.

PALIN
Take a long look, because this is what awaits your precious little Earth. Soon we’ll have control of your Congress, then the White House, and finally the planet.

AGENT KRATT
But why? What do you want?

AGENT DIX
Definitely the White House and dinner. Not necessarily in that order.

PALIN
I’ll put this in terms you can understand. Think of us as the United States and the Earth as Mexico.

AGENT KRATT
My God, you sick bastards.

PALIN
As much as I would love to tell you about our diabolical plans, I have an election to help win and have to get to Scranton. I’ll see you on my dining room table tomorrow morning.

Palin leaves as the guards lock Kratt and Dix in a holding area.

AGENT KRATT
Benny, what the hell is going on?

AGENT DIX
Well, I hate to say it, but I think the crazy guy at the rally was right. Always a bad day when that happens.

Outside the door, there’s the sound of a scuffle and two loud thumps. The door swings open. An African American man, LUCAS, enters. He’s clad in a three-piece American flag suit.

LUCAS
My name’s Lucas. I’m here to rescue you.

AGENT KRATT
Aren’t you a little black for a Tea Partier?

LUCAS
I am the black Tea Partier. I was at the rally today, holding the “Obama is not my homeboy” sign.

AGENT DIX
Oh yeah, I saw you on Fox the other day. And last week, for that matter.

LUCAS
I’m the Diversity Specialist. I make sure I tell the media where I will be so that I get filmed at all the rallies.

AGENT KRATT
How do we know this isn’t a trap? How can we trust you?

LUCAS
You can trust me and maybe live, or not trust me and definitely get eaten tomorrow. Believe me, I’m in as much danger as you are.

Lucas reaches into his eyes and takes out some prosthetics, revealing a couple of yellow, reptilian eyes. He also flashes his long tongue.

LUCAS
I’m a T and a member of a resistance group called the Fifth Column.

AGENT DIX
How original.

LUCAS
We’re a group of T’s who want to stop what Queen Palin is doing and live peacefully with humanity.

AGENT KRATT
But I don’t understand. What do the T’s want? Why are they running for office?

LUCAS
I’ll explain everything, but we need to get out of here first. Just try to act like one of us.

The three of them sneak out and head for the transporter room. However, the guards there are checking credentials.

LUCAS (whispering)
When I make a move, step on the transporter quickly.

A guard asks for their credentials. Lucas strikes the guard’s throat.

LUCAS
Now!

Kratt and Dix get on the transporters. Lucas throws the switch and also drops what looks like a grenade. They beam out of the room just as it explodes.

They materialize in a field.

LUCAS
I bought us a little time, but we need to get out of here now.

Lucas turns to lead them away, but Dix pulls out an alien-looking gun and strikes him on the back of the head. Kratt looks on in disbelief as Dix pulls out his eyeball prosthetics, revealing reptilian eyes. He points the weapon at Kratt.

DIX
God, you’d think a race that can travel across the universe could make fake eyes that don’t itch.

AGENT KRATT
You’re one of them?

DIX
You always were slow on the investigation, Demi.

AGENT KRATT
But you’ve been my partner for years.

DIX
That’s why you trust me. We’re like your lizards, Demi, patient, calculating, waiting for the perfect time to strike. And very, very cold blooded.

Dix speaks into an intercom in the clicking tongue of the T’s. But as he does, a figure emerges out of the woods and jabs him with a black rod. Dix writhes in electrified agony and collapses. The man, JEROME, rushes to Lucas’s side.

JEROME
Lucas, baby, are you hurt?

Lucas opens his eyes. Jerome lets out a cry of relief and gives him a kiss before helping him to his feet.

LUCAS
Agent Kratt, this is Jerome, my...friend.

JEROME
Friend? I rescue you and get downgraded to friend?

AGENT KRATT
It’s okay, you don’t have to hide your relationship from me. Jerome, are you...one of them?

JEROME
You know it. Queer as the driven snow.

AGENT KRATT
No, I meant a T.

JEROME
Earthling through and through, same as you, sister.

LUCAS
Jerome is why I became a member of the Fifth Column. I used to believe in everything the T’s stood for. Then I met him. Our relationship—T and human—is forbidden by the Queen and the T Council. I would be put to death for it. That’s what motivated many of us to start the movement.

JEROME
Black, gay, and alien is no good for their T's either.

AGENT KRATT
But why the stuff with the government, the Tea Party? Why not just attack? Those ships were huge.

JEROME
As much as I love story time, we better skeedaddle before we have company. My car’s over here, Lucas can do his Basil Exposition imitation while I drive.

They leave in Jerome’s car.

LUCAS
Here’s the short version. The T’s—we—are a predatory group of entrepreneurial aliens, moving from world to world and stripping them of their resources. We are very advanced, but not invulnerable. We bleed, we die, and our ships, while large, can be felled by things like nuclear weapons. Plus, frontal assaults are messy. Resources get destroyed, lives get lost, and our PRM gets lower.

AGENT KRATT
PRM?

LUCAS
Planet Rape Margin. So we infiltrate, gain control of governments and weaken them to the point where we can take whatever we need in the name of “free market principles.” By the time people figure out what’s going on, we’re on our way to the next planet.

We’ve been eyeing earth for decades and building to this moment ever since we created the John Birch Society. Once the Queen appears, that’s the final phase before the PLP begins.

AGENT KRATT
PLP?

LUCAS
Planetary Liquidation Process. The plan is to gain control of Congress, impeach your current president on grounds that he’s not a citizen, and pave the way for the Queen to assume control.

AGENT KRATT
President Palin.

JEROME
God, that gives me the willies even without the alien part.

AGENT KRATT
Well, we’ve got to stop them? The election is in a few days. We have to tell the media.

JEROME (laughs harshly)
Tell them what? That Palin’s an alien. Even if they believed you, the right wing would think it’s just left-win bias. We need proof.

AGENT KRATT
Can’t we show them you, Lucas?

LUCAS
Palin will just deny it and again, you get the media bias thing. No, we have to get her to reveal herself.

JEROME
Oh, yeah, Lucas, she’s just going to take off her face on national TV.

LUCAS (smiles)
No, but we can make her show her true face. (He takes out his cell phone and starts dialing.)

AGENT KRATT
Who are you calling?

LUCAS
An old friend who just might be able to solve our problem.

Continue to Part III.