At a Tea Party rally, two FBI agents, AGENTS DEMI KRATT and BENNY DIX, observe a crowd of protesters dressed in American flag-decorated outfits or colonial dress. Agent Kratt reads one of the signs that has a picture of Obama with a square mustache drawn on his face.
“Hitler was a community organizer.” What the hell does that even mean? I swear, being here is like swimming in a gene pool with a broken filter.
Hey now, where’s your patriotic spirit? Look at how creatively these folks wear their American flags. I see flag hats, flag shirts, flag pants, flag...is that guy wearing a tent?
It’s a muumuu. You know, you’re right. Let’s stay focused on that bomb threat.
You mean our wild goose chase? It was probably called in by Keith Olbermann.
Still have to do our job, Benny. Do you see anybody who looks suspicious?
A man in a three-corner hat, breeches, and stockings walks by.
Is that a trick question?
They move through the crowd. The rally begins, and CHRISTINE O’DONNELL appears on stage to thunderous applause.
Thank you, my fellow patriots. You know, when I was young, I was on the wrong path, doing whippets from cans of Reddi-Wip, kissing boys who weren’t my husband and going to black masses. But I realized the error of my ways and found salvation through Jesus and tax cuts. That’s why we’re here, to keep more money in our pockets so we can invest more in Christ’s love. And no one combines Christianity and limited government like our next speaker, Governor Sarah Palin!
SARAH PALIN appears in a leather jumpsuit. The crowd erupts in ecstasy. Agent Kratt sees women weeping, men swooning, and children standing in still rapture in her presence.
Don’t you find this a little creepy, Dix?
AGENT DIX (also mesmerized by Palin)
What? (snaps out of it) No. Hey, is it considered adultery if you fantasize about what you’d do to a woman if she was your wife?
I know. Why he’d have to rule out lust in your heart?
How y’all doin’? It’s so great to be here in the great state of (squints to read teleprompter) Washington, D.C. You know, they say that the government that governs best is the government that governs least. Well, I’m here to tell y’all that no one will govern less than we will!
Agent Kratt sees a man dressed in a hooded sweatshirt and carrying a backpack. He’s acting strangely. Kratt follows the man as he pushes his way through the crowd and toward the fron, talking to crowd members along the way.
Aliens! We’ve got to stop the aliens!
The others in the crowd nod and agree with him.
Right on, brother, we gotta stop those aliens from taking our jobs and send them back to Mexico.
No, these aliens!
He reaches into his backpack and pulls out a thick book. Agent Kratt tries to stop the man before he can act, but he throws the book toward Palin. It flies in the air and hits her in the face. Chaos breaks out as security swarms to cover Palin. O’Donnell grabs the microphone.
Remain calm! EVERYONE REMAIN CALM, FOR CHRIST SAKE!
The man continues to struggle and resist arrest. He looks Agent Kratt in the eyes.
They’re not who they seem! They’re coming for us! They’re going to take over and destroy everything.
Kratt struggles to subdue him, but he hands her a piece of paper.
Follow her and you’ll find out. You see that she’s really a....”
Before he can finish, one of the private security guards for Palin knocks the man out. Agent Kratt protests but the man is out cold and taken away. She opens the piece of paper and sees an address written on it.
After the commotion dies, Agents Kratt and Dix talk with Palin.
Are you okay, governor?
PALIN (holding her cheek)
I would be better if you could have stopped that madman from assaulting me, but otherwise, yes, I’m fine.
I’m sorry that we couldn’t reach him sooner.
At least he didn’t have a bomb.
What the heck did he throw at me anyway?
AGENT DIX (holds up the book)
A cook book. I’m not sure why.
Maybe he was just a good conservative trying to remind you where a woman’s place is.
PALIN (glowers at Kratt)
If that’s all, Agent Kratt, I’d like to get back to work. I have a country to rescue.
Of course, governor. (under her breath) Knock yourself out, please.
Kratt and Dix start to leave the scene.
Did you think there was anything unusual about that?
You mean aside from a crazy man yelling about aliens and hurling a cookbook at the possible next president of the United States. No, why?
That book hit her square in the face, but I didn’t see any blood, a bruise, or a scratch.
They grow ‘em tough in Wasilla.
But what about the stuff that man said? About them not being who they seem?
Yes, when in doubt, listen to the crazy guy who throws books at people.
He gave me this address. Told me to follow her.
You’re going to spy on Sarah Palin because some nut job said you should?
I have a hunch.
Yeah, and I have a job and a pension I’d like to keep.
I understand, Benny. You don’t have to come with.
AGENT DIX (sighs)
You’re lucky I don’t have a date tonight.
They get in their car and follow the address. The building is a warehouse in a dark, remote part of town. The scene looks deserted, until a cargo truck appears. Two men who like identical to the security guard who punched out the man at the Rally get out. They go around to the back of the truck and lead a moose out of the back into the warehouse.
A moose? Why the hell would they be bringing a moose here?
Maybe the governor is homesick.
AGENT KRATT (getting out of the car)
I’m going in for a closer look.
Demi, are you crazy? Demi? Damn it!
He gets out of the car to follow his partner. They sneak around to the back of the warehouse and find a series of boxes that rise to a window. They climb and have a perfect view inside.
Palin, O’Donnell, and GLENN BECK stand inside, along with 20 of the security guards, each of whom look exactly alike.
Jesus Christ, Beck! Do you know how close we were to losing everything?
I know, I know. I’m sorry, your highness.
Can I turn him into a newt?
For the last time, dingbat, you’re not a real witch! Look, we need to speed things up. That book tore open my skin. Do you have any idea what would have happened if the cameras caught that? We need to win control of Congress next week and start implementing Operation Impeachment as soon as possible. Beck, save those waterworks for the cameras. You need to get your people out there and teabag those polls! (Takes a breath). God, I’m so hungry, I could eat a moose.
The guards lead the moose in. Palin starts to unhinge her jaw.
Agent Kratt watches in horror as there are terrible slurping and chewing sounds. She hides her eyes until things grow quiet. She looks again.
PALIN (her face bloody)
Oh, that hit the spot. But I have just enough room for dessert? (She pulls out a gerbil and holds it over her open mouth.)
Kratt’s face registers disgust. She’s about to rise to get away when a gun reaches her head. She turns and sees two of the security guards, holding her and Agent Dix at gunpoint. They raise their hands over their heads, and the guards march them toward the warehouse.
Continue to Part II