John Gibson's to-do list

X Piss on someone’s grave. (don’t forget to shake)

X Kick a puppy.

X Keep watching Brokeback Mountain and punching crotch every time it moves until it learns to stop moving at the sight of Jake’s supple buttocks and Heath’s —OWWW!

X Masturbate to videos of white women giving birth. (make sure that Mexican housekeeper cleans up the stains this time)

X Drop washers into a blind beggar’s cup. (no giggling when he thanks us)

X Check fine print on contract to see if there’s any way to get soul back from Satan.

X Discuss how a Boston/New York Super Bowl is another manifestation of the gay agenda. (launch undercover investigation of role of tight ends—OWWW!)

X Develop new, innovative ways to deliver backhanded racism to blacks. (remember, inner voice=colored, outer voice=black)

X Ask crippled guy in wheelchair to get something off the top shelf for us. (think of good FDR joke)

X Take extra laxitives to generate enough material for The Big Lead. (remember to remove pants before "producing" show)

X Enter Ed Begley, Jr. look-alike contest. (try to look like less of a pedophile this time)

X Audition for role of evil albino in DaVinci Code 2. (try to look less evil this time)

X Call Osama bin Laden to find out exactly how he feels about a Democratic political victory. (and beg him again for another 9/11)

X Boil Sean Hannity’s rabbit because he broke it off with me. (and keep punching crotch until we no longer want him—OWWW!)

X Scrub Rupert Murdoch’s balls until I can see my reflection. (give them a spit shine this time.)

Write another book about how liberals are the one’s destroying Christ’s message.

George W. Bush's to-do list

X Clear some brush

X Get caught up on back issues of President’s Daily Briefs (reading, yuck!)

X Teach Barney how to pee on McCain’s shoes

X Bring democracy to Iraq (ask around for ideas)

X Send Lieberman thank you note and bottle of Lenny Kravitz (that wine the Jews like)

X Find out if Pat Robertson’s God voice sounds like my God voice (if yes, kill Hugo Chavez)

X Give Mayor Nagin some speech advice

X Read NSA transcripts on Chuck Schumer

X Send Hillary some gag pre-stained blue dresses (make sure there’s no return address this time)

X Do the "pop the paper bag behind the back" joke with Dick again (remember to dial 411 if he stops breathing)

X Have memory chips wiped in the McClellan 3000

X Thank Harriet for playing along with the nomination "ruse"

X Look up meaning of "ruse" (check dictionary under leg of Oval Office desk)

X Get polish, rag, and shine box for Alito (I want to see my face in those loafers)

X Ask Magic 8-ball what to do about Iran, North Korea

X Talk to Jenna about perils of excessive drinking (keep straight face)

X Give L a bit of the ol’ Executive Branch (heh heh heh)

X Thank Turd Blossom for the "Executive Branch" line

X Find a special lady for Turd Blossom (Condi?)

X Find tape of me and Abramoff doing up Georgetown (check Jenna’s room)

X Call off invasion of Canada

Take Bin Laden seriously (time permitting)