Thursday, March 15, 2007

Jesus Is My Bracketologist

It’s a well known fact that universities are the vessels of godless liberal dogmas, academic slaughterhouses where the Lamb of God is turned into the Veal of Secularism. And no event celebrates this process more than the NCAA basketball tournament.

However, there is hope for turning this year’s sweaty, grunting Big Dance into a clean, non-gyrating Big Chance at Salvation. There are 13 teams in this year’s tournament, which matches the 13 lost tribes of Israel according to the Bible (Battlestar Galactica Version, Sea. 1, Ep. 1). Coincidence? Coincidences are the work of the devil, friends.

But who among these 13 can slay the demonic state schools, with their boosters and large, swelling endowments? Here’s the breakdown that will leave the liberals-arts loving sinners like Dick Vitale yelling, “Holy Crap!”

We’ll go by region, starting with the area that puts the “sun” in Sunday.


Seed: 2
Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic
Revelation: Slain in the first round

The Hoyas sport a Goliath in center Roy Hibbert, who stands 21.5 hands high. But Georgetown is in Washington, D.C., which is under the control of the Demoncrats, making Georgetown more Hittite than Hoya. Furthermore, they’re facing a true David in the first round....

Seed: 15
Religious Affiliation: Southern Baptist
Revelation: Elevated to the Sweet 16

Little Belmont from the land of Tennessee will slay the Hoyas with a large, round, orange sling stone, then go 2-for-2 when they take down their second group of faux-Papists...

Boston College
Seed: 7
Religious Affiliation: Massachusetts Catholic
Revelation: Usurped by Belmont in the second round

It goes without saying that a school from the state that puts the “ass” in Massachusetts, and that’s also affiliated with the church that put the “ass” in “Mass lawsuits by parishioners,” has no chance to win. But they will defeat the giant, ravenous beast of Bobby Knight in round one.

Seed: 8
Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic
Revelation: Devoured in the Sweet 16

These Pontiff pushers should easily handle Michigan State and North Carolina in the first two rounds. But in the Sweet 16, they will run into the First Horseman of the Madness, USC. The choreographed Sit-Stand-Kneel offense of Marquette will be no match for the full-court sodomy of the atheistic Hollywood Trojans.

Oral Roberts
Seed: 14
Religious Affiliation: Oral Roberts
Revelation: Broadcasting to the Final Four

With a combination of Biblical values and televangelical dollars, the Orals offer a potent mix of Jesus and Adam Smith. They will defeat Boston College and then smite USC to advance to the Final Four.


Brigham Young
Seed: 8
Religious Affiliation: Mormon
Revelation: Out faster than you can say “Shazaam”

One would expect a higher seed count from a Mormon school, and that’s precisely the weakness in Brigham Young. They lack the fire power to get past their first-round opponent...

Seed: 9
Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic
Revelation: Excommunicated in the Elite 8

As Jesuit-founded school, Xavier’s chief weapon is fear, fear and surprise. Its two main weapons are fear and surprise, and a ruthless efficiency on the glass. Its three main weapons are fear, surprise, and a ruthless efficiency on the a fanatical devotion to the half-court trap. Amongst its weapons....never mind, it will get defeated by the opponent of...

Seed: 10
Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic
Revelation: Burned by the raging fires of sin in the first round

Creighton is a victim here of seeding. Against a run-of-the mill state-sponsored Babylon like Texas S&M, Creighton would advance. But they face the Nevada Wolfpack, a five-headed Cerberus that features Nick Fazekus, which is Ancient Greek for “Nick Anti-Christ.” Nevada then swallows Xavier and moves on to the Final Four.


Seed: 13
Religious Affiliation: Presbyterian
Revelation: Smothered in steak sauce and fed to UNLV in the Sweet 16

Davidson is the lone Christian representative in the Midwest, and with good reason: they face the pure wickedness of the UNLV Running Rebels. Their unstoppable vice will prove too much for the modest synod of Davidson as the Rebels rape and pillage their way to the Final Four.


Seed: 10
Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic (when not high on mushrooms)
Revelation: Sobered up in round 2

Two Gonzaga players were arrested earlier this year for smuggling mushrooms in a backpack, and where there’s smoke, there’s sodomy. These weak-kneed kneelers fall to the heathen of UCLA in round 2.

Holy Cross
Seed: 13
Religious Affiliation: Crusades
Revelation: Ambushed before their march to the Promised Land begins

Another seeding casualty, the Holy Cross Crusaders would normally sack the entire bracket. But they are up against the most powerful of the Four Horseman, the Duke Blue Devils, a team so evil, they brazenly have a Satanic minion from the frozen Eighth Circle as their mascot.

Seed: 9
Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic
Revelation: Buried in the second round

Villanova used its Holy Spirit lifeline in 1985, when they defeated Georgetown to win their only national championship, and that lifeline can only be used once per millennia. Plus, as evidenced by the defeat of other Catholic teams, it's clear that Roman Catholics can’t jump. They are too weighed down by the vestments.

Villanova falls in the second round to...

Seed: 1
Religious Affiliation: State of Kansas (and therefore Christian)
Revelation: Evolving toward the Final Four

Like Oral Roberts, Kansas combines the power of the State with the power of a State of Fundamentalism. Using their athletic might and sharp defense, they will turn any arena into Bloody Kansas. These Jayhawks will square off against the Duke Blue Devils in the Elite 8, where they will cut off the Devil’s head and prevent it from regenerating by covering the wound with anti-evolution stickers.


Oral Roberts vs. Nevada
Revelation: The first half will be all Nevada as the Wolfpack unleash the Hounds of Hell. But Oral Roberts will reveal a secret weapon in the second half: the Ark of the Covenant. After they march it around the arena, the Wolfpack will fall like demonic flies slamming into the bug light of salvation.

Kansas vs. UNLV
Revelation: UNLV craps out against the mighty Jayhawks, who get a boost when Senator Sam Brownback suits up and hits his free throws down the stretch.


Kansas vs. Oral Roberts
Revelation: Realizing that they have a common mission, these two schools will throw down their balls and merge into the University of Oral Roberts at Kansas, completing the Church and State merger that God has been brokering for centuries. Vegas will wail and gnash its teeth as all bets are off.


Anonymous said...

Oral Roberts and Creighton can kiss AEG's ass!

Don't get me started.

Yet the lamiest of the lame: "The Holy War" when BC and BU play each other in football. AG just wants to go on a shootin' spree in Brighton during the game every fall.

Anonymous said...

I'm old enough that March Madness only makes me think of Bobby Knight. No one threw a chair like Bobby. No one wore their sweater up beneath their man-boobs quite like Bobby... no one won like Bobby...

BOSSY said...

You've done quite a lot of writing, there, Pal - and Bossy only has one small question: What in feck is a SEED?

Anonymous said...

Brando, I just want you to know that I fell off my swivel chair laughing while reading this. It is clearly written through the hand of god.

Brando said...

I was channeling Stephen Colbert when I wrote this. It could practically be a desk bit for him.

Bossy, the seed is the ranking of each team in it's bracket, from 1 (highest) to 16.

It is too bad Bobby Knight's chair-throwing man boobs got booted yesterday. The tourney is more interesting with him in it.

AG, you got half your wish. Oral Roberts blew it in the second half ;-)

Churlita said...

"It’s a well known fact that universities are the vessels of godless liberal dogmas, academic slaughterhouses where the Lamb of God is turned into the Veal of Secularism."

This is why I'll never live anywhere else but in a college town.

Neel Mehta said...

By the way, Colbert did comment on the NCAA tournament. Put Texas and Texas A&M in the Final Four to support President Bush, and Kansas won it all. Don't remember who won the Midwest.