It's one more random than 10!
Man o’ man, I have been working for the weekend this week.
Speaking of which, last weekend The Lovely Becky’s parents were in town. We walked down to the lovely Marquette harbor to check out the Seafood Festival. The Festival was really just an excuse to pitch tents, fry whitefish, and drink beer. But the highlight was the band playing when we went down. They were the classic classic rock bar band, pounding through covers of songs that constantly pound out of stations called Rock 101.
They started playing Loverboy’s, “Turn Me Loose,” which I recognized in an embarrassingly short time. (I can name that guilty pleasure in two notes.) "Wow, bold choice to go with this over 'Working for the Weekend,'" I said to TLB. The band launched into Styx’s "Too Much Time on My Hands," which had the unexpected effect of making me pine for Tommy Shaw’s singing. But then what did I hear? The opening da-dada-dada-duh-duh-duh riff of "Working for the Weekend." Two Loveboy ditties in the space of three songs. I don’t even think Loverboy play their songs that frequently any more.
I also realized that Neko Case, who at one point was supposedly playing here this weekend, is not. However, who didn’t cancel? The lead singer of Warrant, conducting a solo tour/puppet show.
That's the music scene in da UP. Thank God for iPods...
1) “On the Bus Mall,” The Decemberists. The anti-Loverboy.
2) “Wish You Were Here,” Pink Floyd. One of the few Pink Floyd songs I really enjoy. Probably because it sounds like it was played by humans with beating hearts. A lot of their stuff is creative, but always feels a bit robotic to me. We understand how notes are put together to form music, but we can never understand this thing you call...soul. BOOP!
3) “Cicatriz ESP,” The Mars Volta. The return of the wank. It thrills me that the kids are digging guitar solos, time signature changes, and 10-minute songs again. There’s a little “space journey” at the end that’s begging for the Laserium treatment.
4) “Gospel,” The National. Like Spoon, another group that’s getting assloads of praise that they completely deserve. This is a delicate, melancholy closer from their latest album, Boxer. So good I have no jokes.
5) “Crawl,” Alkaline Trio. My favorite song that could be officially classified as emo. It wants to cry on someone’s shoulder and then punch it.
6) “If I Had Possession Over Judgement Day,” Robert Johnson. I think Satan added the extra “e” in Judgement when he gave Robert Johnson these songs in exchange for his soul. Terrible speller, the Devil.
7) “I’m Broken,” Pantera. It’s bad when you see Guitar Hero notes for songs that aren’t in Guitar Hero. I’m actually not a big fan of Pantera. Their music makes me think of piston lube and dirty fingernails.
8) “I’m Slowly Turning Into You,” The White Stripes. I dig the thump of Icky Thump. I’ll say this for Meg White: she plays to her strengths. She is the Oates to Jack White’s Hall, seemingly superfluous, yet completely essential.
9) “Bringin’ on the Heartbreak,” Def Leppard. Here's me bringin' on the ridicule: I love this song. Def Leppard always got lumped in with the hair metal bands, and they certainly had the split ends to join the club. But there really was a good rock band under those bangs.
10) “Ball and Chain,” Social Distortion. Jailhouse rock written by someone who has been in the jailhouse. When you've been shivved by life or beaten with a rolled-up bar of soap by love, this is the song to play.
11) “Love Reign O’er Me,” The Who. Luuuuvvvv! The triumphant closing of Quadrophenia, and a triumphant closing to any Friday 11.
I hope none of you have to labor too hard this Labor Day weekend.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Top Ten Tuesdays: What's making us so fat?
Special supersized edition!
13) Rapid advances in cheese-to-dough delivery systems.
12) Day-to-day food pyramid is more éclair shaped.
11) All these illegal immigrants willing to eat half of what Americans do.
10) Dannon’s new bacon-on-the-bottom yogurt.
9) Climbing rates of telekinesis.
8) School cafeterias replaced by rows of Pez dispensers.
7) Thought we had been going to the gym, but turns out it was our Second Life selves.
6) Coco Puffs gateway to much more cuckoo breakfast cereals.
5) Forced by General Tso to march to buffet for more of his chicken.
4) Scarfing whole Meat Lover’s pizzas just to spite snooty vegan sister.
3) Divine punishment for ancestors’ support of slavery.
2) Hollywood’s constant portrayal of obesity as glamorous and chic…no wait, it’s the jumbo popcorn with extra butter and a gallon of Mountain Dew for just a quarter more.
1) Would find out if it didn’t require getting off the couch.
13) Rapid advances in cheese-to-dough delivery systems.
12) Day-to-day food pyramid is more éclair shaped.
11) All these illegal immigrants willing to eat half of what Americans do.
10) Dannon’s new bacon-on-the-bottom yogurt.
9) Climbing rates of telekinesis.
8) School cafeterias replaced by rows of Pez dispensers.
7) Thought we had been going to the gym, but turns out it was our Second Life selves.
6) Coco Puffs gateway to much more cuckoo breakfast cereals.
5) Forced by General Tso to march to buffet for more of his chicken.
4) Scarfing whole Meat Lover’s pizzas just to spite snooty vegan sister.
3) Divine punishment for ancestors’ support of slavery.
2) Hollywood’s constant portrayal of obesity as glamorous and chic…no wait, it’s the jumbo popcorn with extra butter and a gallon of Mountain Dew for just a quarter more.
1) Would find out if it didn’t require getting off the couch.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Friday CJ Random 11
It’s one more random than 10!
Nothing gets your Friday started like finding out you have no hot water. Turns out that even though we turned on the electricity, we didn’t turn on the gas. We probably should have figured that out but we thought the power company did both. Anyway, the gas company came over today, grabbed the meter, and shut us down. TLB called them, and initially they said they wouldn’t be back here until the 30th. Holy frozen nutsack, Batman! TLB managed to wrangle them down to Tuesday. The water heater guy, who came over because we thought that was what had busted, laughed. “They can come over and shut you down the same day, but not turn you on.” Damn skippy.
Oh well, at least now I can get a Lake Superior experience without leaving my house.
1) “Finest Worksong,” REM. Document was one of the earliest CDs I ever had. When I had this in high school, my bedroom was in the front of the house, near our living room. One day my mother was napping on the couch, and I cued this song up and blasted it—it has a sudden opening with full thudding drums, bass, and guitar. I am lucky I didn’t kill her. Reaction: not amused. Now I always have the association that "Finest Worksong" almost got me locked up for mom-slaughter.
2) “Clover Over Dover,” Blur. You know what more rock songs need? Harpsichord. Hearing that instrument combined with Damon Albarn’s heavy English accent makes me think this was recorded in a drawer-ing room.
3) “Sweet Marie,” Crooked Fingers. There’s a real “Tide Is High” feel at the beginning of this Chipotle-flavored ditty. The vocals are so throaty I’m not sure they ever reached the singer’s mouth, and instead opened up his Adam's apple to escape.
4) “Limelight,” XTC. I raided my friend’s music collection over the summer, and I grabbed a lot of bands like XTC that I missed when I was younger because I was too busy listening to Dio. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Okay, there’s a lot wrong with that.
5) “Mongrel…” DJ Shadow. A fellow UC Davis alum—w00t! This is the first of a two-part song, with the other being “Meets His Maker.” So that’s kind of prog. Cool, reverberated guitars and keyboards with DJ Shadow’s traditionally thick drum beats.
6) “What Is and What Shall Never Be,” Led Zeppelin. I wish the what shall be part of the title had been applied to The Honeydrippers.
7) “Paranoid,” Black Sabbath. Here’s what always impresses me about this song: it’s hard for songs this old to still sound really heavy. But there’s a low growl to this that still feels menacing. And Ozzy sounds pretty paranoid, probably because he sold his soul for rock and roll. That’ll keep you up nights.
8) “Bad Boy Boogie (Live),” AC/DC. Here’s a similar situation: with today’s fuck-it-I’ll-just-let-them-bleep-this-shit-out recording styles, it’s also hard for rock’s early bad boys to still sound bad. Not so with Bon Scott. His vocals remain rough and tumble, but with a lot of charisma. This live version fucks up the song a bit with that other 70s staple, guitar wankery.
9) “Gloria (Live),” Van Morrison. A classic with the classic break-it-down-so-the-audience-can-clap bit. It's cut from the same cloth that “Louie Louie” is, but I always liked this song better.
10) “Knuckles,” The Hold Steady. Speaking of dated, this song has lyrical references to Right Said Fred, Sunny D, and Five-Alive (yes, the breakfast drink that tasted like five fruits mixed in antifreeze). But this song also brings it in the classic Hold Steady classic rock style, where the keyboards twill and the guitar chords windmill. With that kind of backdrop they could recite lyrics about Nu Shooz and Big League Chew for all I care.
11) “You Belong to Me,” Elvis Costello. Keyboards are like hands. No matter how much work you’ve done on the rest of your body, your hands tend to give your age away. As good as early Elvis Costello songs are, they keyboard sound will always be stuck in the 80s. But when the rest of a person is a knockout the way this track is, you can live with old hands.
Have a good weekend!
Nothing gets your Friday started like finding out you have no hot water. Turns out that even though we turned on the electricity, we didn’t turn on the gas. We probably should have figured that out but we thought the power company did both. Anyway, the gas company came over today, grabbed the meter, and shut us down. TLB called them, and initially they said they wouldn’t be back here until the 30th. Holy frozen nutsack, Batman! TLB managed to wrangle them down to Tuesday. The water heater guy, who came over because we thought that was what had busted, laughed. “They can come over and shut you down the same day, but not turn you on.” Damn skippy.
Oh well, at least now I can get a Lake Superior experience without leaving my house.
1) “Finest Worksong,” REM. Document was one of the earliest CDs I ever had. When I had this in high school, my bedroom was in the front of the house, near our living room. One day my mother was napping on the couch, and I cued this song up and blasted it—it has a sudden opening with full thudding drums, bass, and guitar. I am lucky I didn’t kill her. Reaction: not amused. Now I always have the association that "Finest Worksong" almost got me locked up for mom-slaughter.
2) “Clover Over Dover,” Blur. You know what more rock songs need? Harpsichord. Hearing that instrument combined with Damon Albarn’s heavy English accent makes me think this was recorded in a drawer-ing room.
3) “Sweet Marie,” Crooked Fingers. There’s a real “Tide Is High” feel at the beginning of this Chipotle-flavored ditty. The vocals are so throaty I’m not sure they ever reached the singer’s mouth, and instead opened up his Adam's apple to escape.
4) “Limelight,” XTC. I raided my friend’s music collection over the summer, and I grabbed a lot of bands like XTC that I missed when I was younger because I was too busy listening to Dio. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Okay, there’s a lot wrong with that.
5) “Mongrel…” DJ Shadow. A fellow UC Davis alum—w00t! This is the first of a two-part song, with the other being “Meets His Maker.” So that’s kind of prog. Cool, reverberated guitars and keyboards with DJ Shadow’s traditionally thick drum beats.
6) “What Is and What Shall Never Be,” Led Zeppelin. I wish the what shall be part of the title had been applied to The Honeydrippers.
7) “Paranoid,” Black Sabbath. Here’s what always impresses me about this song: it’s hard for songs this old to still sound really heavy. But there’s a low growl to this that still feels menacing. And Ozzy sounds pretty paranoid, probably because he sold his soul for rock and roll. That’ll keep you up nights.
8) “Bad Boy Boogie (Live),” AC/DC. Here’s a similar situation: with today’s fuck-it-I’ll-just-let-them-bleep-this-shit-out recording styles, it’s also hard for rock’s early bad boys to still sound bad. Not so with Bon Scott. His vocals remain rough and tumble, but with a lot of charisma. This live version fucks up the song a bit with that other 70s staple, guitar wankery.
9) “Gloria (Live),” Van Morrison. A classic with the classic break-it-down-so-the-audience-can-clap bit. It's cut from the same cloth that “Louie Louie” is, but I always liked this song better.
10) “Knuckles,” The Hold Steady. Speaking of dated, this song has lyrical references to Right Said Fred, Sunny D, and Five-Alive (yes, the breakfast drink that tasted like five fruits mixed in antifreeze). But this song also brings it in the classic Hold Steady classic rock style, where the keyboards twill and the guitar chords windmill. With that kind of backdrop they could recite lyrics about Nu Shooz and Big League Chew for all I care.
11) “You Belong to Me,” Elvis Costello. Keyboards are like hands. No matter how much work you’ve done on the rest of your body, your hands tend to give your age away. As good as early Elvis Costello songs are, they keyboard sound will always be stuck in the 80s. But when the rest of a person is a knockout the way this track is, you can live with old hands.
Have a good weekend!
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Rummy in Retirement
6:17 a.m. Wake up from a hot dream involving Lynnie Englund, nipple clamps, a Sears Die Hard battery, and a Super Soaker.
6:18 a.m. Change shorts.
7:02 a.m. Down Irish coffee and Percocet
7:30 a.m. Take call from New York Times about resignation letter surfacing.
7:34 a.m. Deny writing resignation letter.
7:35 a.m. Deny having ever served as Secretary of Defense.
8:33 a.m. Call cable customer service about a mistake on the bill.
8:34 a.m. Assure "Dave" that pay-per-view order of Back Door Nurses 7, 8, and 9 was a mistake.
8:35 a.m. Explain to Dave that it pretty goddamned easy to keep making the same mistake over and over again.
8:43 a.m. Call NSA to get transcripts on Dave.
8:51 a.m. Call Dave and read pages 2, 3, and 12.
8:52 a.m. Thank Dave for removing the charge.
8:53 a.m. Order pay-per-view of Boobies of Mass D-Cuption 4.
9:57 a.m. Confirm next week’s hunting trip with Vice President Cheney.
10: 11 a.m. Fetch quarry for hunt by setting out food over Drifter Pits near railroad tracks.
10:30 a.m. Work on memoir chapter, “I Was Right on Iraq.”
11:30 a.m. Check CNN to see if right on Iraq yet.
11:33 a.m. Smash television.
11:55 a.m. Head out for outdoor cookout to welcome Rove into the Bush Whacked Club.
12: 13 p.m. Stop man for directions to nearest grocery store.
12: 14 p.m. Refuse to believe he doesn’t know where nearest grocery store is.
12:58 p.m. Finally believe he doesn’t know after he loses consciousness. Close car trunk.
1:07 p.m. Drop man off near county hospital. Leave message on his forehead that reads, “Die, honky! -- Sincerely, Nation of Islam.”
1:11: p.m. Down Mountain Dew and Percocet.
1:15 p.m. Argue with grocery store clerk that he did in fact receive a $20 bill. Inquire as to his registration status with selective service.
1:17 p.m. Pocket change from a $20 bill and original $20 bill.
1:29 p.m. Apologize to Bush Whacked Club for being late. Act surprised when they point to blood on shirt. Recite deer cover story.
1:31 p.m. Insist that one package of wieners should be more than enough to pacify the hunger of three dozen people.
1:40 p.m. Put Rove into headlock until he agrees that he’s not hungry any more.
3:45 p.m. On the way home, stop at Department of Defense. Remember not to wear DoD letterman jacket this time.
3: 49 p.m. Burst into Robert Gates’s office and suggest another hiding spot for Iraqi WMD: Barack Obama's backyard.
3:50 p.m. Awkward silence.
3:57 p.m. Down Percocet and Percocet.
6:34 p.m. Wake up on doorstep again. Curse self for still wearing DoD letterman jacket.
7:00 p.m. Check TV about being right about Iraq.
7:01 p.m. Wonder how television got smashed in.
7:20 p.m. Return TV to Best Buy. Argue with clerk that the television has been broken since it was delivered four years ago, but have been too busy to return it.
7:30 p.m. Drive home with new television.
8:03 p.m. Notice still not right about Iraq.
8:12 p.m. Begin new chapter of memoir, “Why Being Right About Iraq Is Overrated.”
11:35 p.m. Grab G.I. Joe doll and head to bed.
11:57 p.m. See faces of thousands of soldiers asking why they were sacrificed for an enormous lie.
11:59 p.m. Down warm milk and Percocet.
6:18 a.m. Change shorts.
7:02 a.m. Down Irish coffee and Percocet
7:30 a.m. Take call from New York Times about resignation letter surfacing.
7:34 a.m. Deny writing resignation letter.
7:35 a.m. Deny having ever served as Secretary of Defense.
8:33 a.m. Call cable customer service about a mistake on the bill.
8:34 a.m. Assure "Dave" that pay-per-view order of Back Door Nurses 7, 8, and 9 was a mistake.
8:35 a.m. Explain to Dave that it pretty goddamned easy to keep making the same mistake over and over again.
8:43 a.m. Call NSA to get transcripts on Dave.
8:51 a.m. Call Dave and read pages 2, 3, and 12.
8:52 a.m. Thank Dave for removing the charge.
8:53 a.m. Order pay-per-view of Boobies of Mass D-Cuption 4.
9:57 a.m. Confirm next week’s hunting trip with Vice President Cheney.
10: 11 a.m. Fetch quarry for hunt by setting out food over Drifter Pits near railroad tracks.
10:30 a.m. Work on memoir chapter, “I Was Right on Iraq.”
11:30 a.m. Check CNN to see if right on Iraq yet.
11:33 a.m. Smash television.
11:55 a.m. Head out for outdoor cookout to welcome Rove into the Bush Whacked Club.
12: 13 p.m. Stop man for directions to nearest grocery store.
12: 14 p.m. Refuse to believe he doesn’t know where nearest grocery store is.
12:58 p.m. Finally believe he doesn’t know after he loses consciousness. Close car trunk.
1:07 p.m. Drop man off near county hospital. Leave message on his forehead that reads, “Die, honky! -- Sincerely, Nation of Islam.”
1:11: p.m. Down Mountain Dew and Percocet.
1:15 p.m. Argue with grocery store clerk that he did in fact receive a $20 bill. Inquire as to his registration status with selective service.
1:17 p.m. Pocket change from a $20 bill and original $20 bill.
1:29 p.m. Apologize to Bush Whacked Club for being late. Act surprised when they point to blood on shirt. Recite deer cover story.
1:31 p.m. Insist that one package of wieners should be more than enough to pacify the hunger of three dozen people.
1:40 p.m. Put Rove into headlock until he agrees that he’s not hungry any more.
3:45 p.m. On the way home, stop at Department of Defense. Remember not to wear DoD letterman jacket this time.
3: 49 p.m. Burst into Robert Gates’s office and suggest another hiding spot for Iraqi WMD: Barack Obama's backyard.
3:50 p.m. Awkward silence.
3:57 p.m. Down Percocet and Percocet.
6:34 p.m. Wake up on doorstep again. Curse self for still wearing DoD letterman jacket.
7:00 p.m. Check TV about being right about Iraq.
7:01 p.m. Wonder how television got smashed in.
7:20 p.m. Return TV to Best Buy. Argue with clerk that the television has been broken since it was delivered four years ago, but have been too busy to return it.
7:30 p.m. Drive home with new television.
8:03 p.m. Notice still not right about Iraq.
8:12 p.m. Begin new chapter of memoir, “Why Being Right About Iraq Is Overrated.”
11:35 p.m. Grab G.I. Joe doll and head to bed.
11:57 p.m. See faces of thousands of soldiers asking why they were sacrificed for an enormous lie.
11:59 p.m. Down warm milk and Percocet.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Top Ten Tuesdays: What did we change on Wikipedia?
Special extra truthiness edition!
16) Expanded list of Founding Fathers who were furries.
15) Removed Dick Cheney from the “List of undead serving in Bush Administration.” Again.
14) Rejected edits to “List of undead serving in Bush Administration” due to objectivity concerns.
13) Relocated entry on Guantanamo to an undisclosed directory.
12) Reduced Nickelback entry down to one word: Sux!
11) Fixed all the typos after President Bush edited his entry.
10) Added an “Iraqi WMD” subsection to “Fairy Tales.”
9) Undangled all the chads from 2000.
8) Appended the list of the types of poles with, “Heh, heh, you said pole!”
7) Aborted any mentions of Jenna Bush’s possible pregnancy.
6) Elaborated that while it may seem like the Republican Congressman was soliciting sex in a park washroom, he was actually working undercover to expose the homosexual menace.
5) Deleted entry on Pittsburgh Steelers by accident, causing entire team to disappear in a puff of smoke.
4) Detailed how we would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson if we had written the entry on killing Nicole Brown Simpson.
3) Concluded that global warming will have one excellent outcome: life will indeed become a beach!
2) Created entry for Circle Jerk at the Square Dance, “the funniest blog in the universe.”
1) Added self to “List of people who’ve blown Wikipedia editors.”
16) Expanded list of Founding Fathers who were furries.
15) Removed Dick Cheney from the “List of undead serving in Bush Administration.” Again.
14) Rejected edits to “List of undead serving in Bush Administration” due to objectivity concerns.
13) Relocated entry on Guantanamo to an undisclosed directory.
12) Reduced Nickelback entry down to one word: Sux!
11) Fixed all the typos after President Bush edited his entry.
10) Added an “Iraqi WMD” subsection to “Fairy Tales.”
9) Undangled all the chads from 2000.
8) Appended the list of the types of poles with, “Heh, heh, you said pole!”
7) Aborted any mentions of Jenna Bush’s possible pregnancy.
6) Elaborated that while it may seem like the Republican Congressman was soliciting sex in a park washroom, he was actually working undercover to expose the homosexual menace.
5) Deleted entry on Pittsburgh Steelers by accident, causing entire team to disappear in a puff of smoke.
4) Detailed how we would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson if we had written the entry on killing Nicole Brown Simpson.
3) Concluded that global warming will have one excellent outcome: life will indeed become a beach!
2) Created entry for Circle Jerk at the Square Dance, “the funniest blog in the universe.”
1) Added self to “List of people who’ve blown Wikipedia editors.”
Friday, August 17, 2007
Friday CJ Random 11
It's one more random than 10!
Sweet fancy Moses, has it been almost a month since I’ve done this? Sorry for the light posting over the last few weeks. Between moving and vacation and trying to keep up with work between those two things, I’ve been stretched in 20 different directions the last month. But now I’m settled in and ready to rock!
The beauty of working at home is that now I can play my tunes as loud as I want. Which is usually not real loud, since I am working and have to devote at least half of my brain to that pursuit. However, I have a pretty nice set of Klipsch PC speakers with a punchy subwoofer in my home office, so I can go to 11 when needed. And for those of you who missed it, TLB has a nice picture of the view out of my home office.
1) “Four Horseman,” The Clash. I should start every Friday with The Clash. This is a lesser song from London Calling, but just hearing Joe Strummer picks me up. He could be raging about a grocery list and still get me going: Eggs and bacon and blue-ber-ries! I need you to pick ‘em all up puh-lease!
2) “It’s too Bad,” The Jam. What’s all this then? Is me iPod feelin’ a bit English this morning? I’ve sung the praises of The Jam before, and I’ll say it again: along with The Clash, they were the best band to come out of the UK punk scene. They figured out that you can’t stay stuck in three-chord monte for an entire career (otherwise you turn into The Ramones), but that you can channel your inner, spitting 18-year-old even when you learn how to play well and write terrific songs. Like “Four Horseman,” this isn’t A-list Jam, but it has a shimmering guitar in the chorus and a good drum beat.
3) “Phenomenal Cat,” The Kinks. Blimey! Another UK song. Depending on how you look at it, this song is either about the decline of the British Empire, or about a fat, lazy cat. Either way, we haz cute UTube cat videoz with this song!
4) “Demons Are Real,” Guided by Voices. British Invasion by way of Dayton. It has one of my favorite GbV lines: Deliver this message to the one I love the most / I’ve lost all my money to a 300-pound ghost. Probably their best song under one minute (and with GbV, there are a lot of those), with a half-crazed/half-tuneful vocal from Robert Pollard.
5) “The Group Who Couldn’t Say,” Grandaddy. There’s a retro synth that sounds like a Australian didgeridoo played as a bass synth by Flock of Seagulls. I mean that as a compliment. The lyrics here are a dry and wry take on the music business, with a nice “unit shifter” reference.
6) “Don’t Make Me a Target,” Spoon. The current hot shit indie rock album du jour. Which, frankly, it deserves. A lot of indie albums, while having a lot of soul, lack the kind of craft that you used to get on the great 60s-80s rock albums, where everything in the mix is exactly where it needs to be. And the big albums today that have that craft often have so much of it, there’s no room left for soul in the mix. This is one album that really has both. Although their band name always makes me think of The Tick’s battle cry of “Spoon!” I hate my brain sometimes.
7) “The Long Black Veil (Live),” Johnny Cash. Is there any artist today of Cash’s stature who would perform at a prison? I can’t see any major musician—rock, rap, or country—pulling into a place like Folsom and delivering a performance like this.
8) “When the Pin Hits the Shell,” Drive-By Truckers. Okay, maybe the DBT would do it. This song takes a slice of melancholy, places it between two thick slices of sad, spreads on the guilt, and fries it up in a hot pan of shame. And the same God that you’re so afraid is gonna send you to hell / is the same one you’re gonna answer to when the pin hits the shell. I’m not even a big Southern rock guy and I love their music. That’s the sign of a great band in my book.
9) “No Wow,” The Kills. No joke, I bought this thinking it was The Killers. It was also my loss because The Kills do not kill—boring lo-fi garage band stuff. This song is pretty good, though, a cross between The White Stripes and early PJ Harvey. You could do worse.
10) “Bad Luck, Blue Eyes, Goodbye,” The Black Crowes. From their hugely underrated album, Southern Harmony and Musical Companion. Chris Robinson the person annoys the living shit out of me, but his vocals get through my skin in a good way here. Soulful rocking and perfectly arranged so you can feel every cell of blood pumping through their hearts. Their first album really ripped off their 60s and 70s influences, but this one is a blueprint of how you can turn your influences into something fresh and remarkable.
11) “I,” Bad Brains. Now ist die time on Circle Jerk vere ve slam! Who needs caffeine on a Friday morning when you have Bad Brains? Some of their stuff is too hardcore for me, but this hits that sweet spot of fast, heavy, and raging.
That’s all for this week. Have a great weekend!
Sweet fancy Moses, has it been almost a month since I’ve done this? Sorry for the light posting over the last few weeks. Between moving and vacation and trying to keep up with work between those two things, I’ve been stretched in 20 different directions the last month. But now I’m settled in and ready to rock!
The beauty of working at home is that now I can play my tunes as loud as I want. Which is usually not real loud, since I am working and have to devote at least half of my brain to that pursuit. However, I have a pretty nice set of Klipsch PC speakers with a punchy subwoofer in my home office, so I can go to 11 when needed. And for those of you who missed it, TLB has a nice picture of the view out of my home office.
1) “Four Horseman,” The Clash. I should start every Friday with The Clash. This is a lesser song from London Calling, but just hearing Joe Strummer picks me up. He could be raging about a grocery list and still get me going: Eggs and bacon and blue-ber-ries! I need you to pick ‘em all up puh-lease!
2) “It’s too Bad,” The Jam. What’s all this then? Is me iPod feelin’ a bit English this morning? I’ve sung the praises of The Jam before, and I’ll say it again: along with The Clash, they were the best band to come out of the UK punk scene. They figured out that you can’t stay stuck in three-chord monte for an entire career (otherwise you turn into The Ramones), but that you can channel your inner, spitting 18-year-old even when you learn how to play well and write terrific songs. Like “Four Horseman,” this isn’t A-list Jam, but it has a shimmering guitar in the chorus and a good drum beat.
3) “Phenomenal Cat,” The Kinks. Blimey! Another UK song. Depending on how you look at it, this song is either about the decline of the British Empire, or about a fat, lazy cat. Either way, we haz cute UTube cat videoz with this song!
4) “Demons Are Real,” Guided by Voices. British Invasion by way of Dayton. It has one of my favorite GbV lines: Deliver this message to the one I love the most / I’ve lost all my money to a 300-pound ghost. Probably their best song under one minute (and with GbV, there are a lot of those), with a half-crazed/half-tuneful vocal from Robert Pollard.
5) “The Group Who Couldn’t Say,” Grandaddy. There’s a retro synth that sounds like a Australian didgeridoo played as a bass synth by Flock of Seagulls. I mean that as a compliment. The lyrics here are a dry and wry take on the music business, with a nice “unit shifter” reference.
6) “Don’t Make Me a Target,” Spoon. The current hot shit indie rock album du jour. Which, frankly, it deserves. A lot of indie albums, while having a lot of soul, lack the kind of craft that you used to get on the great 60s-80s rock albums, where everything in the mix is exactly where it needs to be. And the big albums today that have that craft often have so much of it, there’s no room left for soul in the mix. This is one album that really has both. Although their band name always makes me think of The Tick’s battle cry of “Spoon!” I hate my brain sometimes.
7) “The Long Black Veil (Live),” Johnny Cash. Is there any artist today of Cash’s stature who would perform at a prison? I can’t see any major musician—rock, rap, or country—pulling into a place like Folsom and delivering a performance like this.
8) “When the Pin Hits the Shell,” Drive-By Truckers. Okay, maybe the DBT would do it. This song takes a slice of melancholy, places it between two thick slices of sad, spreads on the guilt, and fries it up in a hot pan of shame. And the same God that you’re so afraid is gonna send you to hell / is the same one you’re gonna answer to when the pin hits the shell. I’m not even a big Southern rock guy and I love their music. That’s the sign of a great band in my book.
9) “No Wow,” The Kills. No joke, I bought this thinking it was The Killers. It was also my loss because The Kills do not kill—boring lo-fi garage band stuff. This song is pretty good, though, a cross between The White Stripes and early PJ Harvey. You could do worse.
10) “Bad Luck, Blue Eyes, Goodbye,” The Black Crowes. From their hugely underrated album, Southern Harmony and Musical Companion. Chris Robinson the person annoys the living shit out of me, but his vocals get through my skin in a good way here. Soulful rocking and perfectly arranged so you can feel every cell of blood pumping through their hearts. Their first album really ripped off their 60s and 70s influences, but this one is a blueprint of how you can turn your influences into something fresh and remarkable.
11) “I,” Bad Brains. Now ist die time on Circle Jerk vere ve slam! Who needs caffeine on a Friday morning when you have Bad Brains? Some of their stuff is too hardcore for me, but this hits that sweet spot of fast, heavy, and raging.
That’s all for this week. Have a great weekend!
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Top Ten Tuesdays: Why are we resigning?
10) Thought it would be nice to use soul for a while before having to turn it over to the Devil.
9) Fled the ship once the water reached our second chin.
8) Couldn’t resist dream opportunity to smear a woman and a black guy in next presidential election.
7) Need time to prepare pre-indictment itinerary for fleeing the country.
6) Felt that after getting the nation to vote for a moronic, inexperienced, deceiving simp twice, there were no mountains left to climb.
5) Wanted to be able to arrange anonymous restroom blowjobs as a private citizen.
4) Couldn’t take one more mispronounciated word from the boss without committing suicide with the sharp corner of a Webster’s dictionary.
3) Plan to start a pro wrestling career with Rummy as The Denial Duo.
2) Who cares, is there cake in the West Wing breakroom?
1) Realized that after six years of our turds blossoming, we’re too stinky to keep working.
9) Fled the ship once the water reached our second chin.
8) Couldn’t resist dream opportunity to smear a woman and a black guy in next presidential election.
7) Need time to prepare pre-indictment itinerary for fleeing the country.
6) Felt that after getting the nation to vote for a moronic, inexperienced, deceiving simp twice, there were no mountains left to climb.
5) Wanted to be able to arrange anonymous restroom blowjobs as a private citizen.
4) Couldn’t take one more mispronounciated word from the boss without committing suicide with the sharp corner of a Webster’s dictionary.
3) Plan to start a pro wrestling career with Rummy as The Denial Duo.
2) Who cares, is there cake in the West Wing breakroom?
1) Realized that after six years of our turds blossoming, we’re too stinky to keep working.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Open for business
Have you ever taken one of those vacations where you need a vacation after the vacation? You spend your time “off” running from place to place, with an agenda full of to-do lists, must-see attractions, and general knee-bent-running around business, until enjoying the attractions themselves becomes less important than crossing them off your lists?
I just returned from the opposite of that vacation.
Every summer, I vamoose with The Lovely Becky’s family to the beaches of North Carolina. We rent a house by the ocean on a fairly quiet island. I have made it a habit to leave everything behind when I go: work, the Intertubes, e-mail, even writing. Instead, I head into the surf, crack open books, crack open beers, and generally let myself completely relax for one week out of the year. No other vacation ever leaves me so prepared to stop being on vacation.
This year was fairly uneventful, unlike last year’s Adventures in Skim Boarding. No sharks, no dolphins, no real drunkenness. There were a couple amusing moments:
We showed my in-laws the video for Dick in a Box. They had never seen it, so TLB fired up YouTube and played it for them. As the video rapped through its first couple of verses toward its namesake chorus and Justin Timberlake popped the lid on a box attached to his crotch, my mother-in-law said, “Wait, what’s in the box?” Only someone so completely unaware of the punchline could have delivered that question with such perfect comic timing.
The other amusing thing was seeing a young man—a seemingly heterosexual male who appeared to be there with his girlfriend—with a lower-back tattoo. Now, having lived in a Big Ten college town for six years, I’ve seen this lumbar lure quite a bit. And not once, whether it was at a bar or at a fiction reading or at church, have I seen a guy lean over and reveal an ornate arrow leading to his ass.
Most straight men, at one time or other, obsess over appearing gay. I am not too bad about it. I freely admit that I like shopping, Project Runway, and using fancy salon products in my hair. But seeing a lower-back tattoo on a guy? It's practically screaming I want you to look at my hiney and then make sexy time.
It was…well, confusing. He seemed perfectly straight, splashing around with his female companion. He had no other tattoos, just this one. His girlfriend had no matching tattoo which might explain some drunken couples excursion to the tattoo parlor that lead to an inky bond between them. Was there some O. Henry-esque story here, where he got the tattoo on a bet to raise enough money so his girlfriend could have her lower-back tattoo removed, only to learn that his girlfriend sold her hair to raise the money so that her boyfriend wouldn’t have to get a stupid lower-back tattoo? I would have asked him, but I also considered that he might have gotten it in prison, and I'm...well, a guy who likes to get home from shopping in time to watch Project Runway.
Anyway, I had no really embarrassing pictures of me this year, but in downloading the pictures from the trip, I did find this one, from an earlier jaunt to Lake Geneva with TLB’s college friends.
Yes, that’s me with a pitcher of piña coladas. Yes, I am chugging straight from it. Yes, I graduated from college fifteen years ago. But hey, I was on vacation in Wisconsin. I was just trying to fit in.
And let me tell you, after that, I needed a vacation from the cold headache alone.
I just returned from the opposite of that vacation.
Every summer, I vamoose with The Lovely Becky’s family to the beaches of North Carolina. We rent a house by the ocean on a fairly quiet island. I have made it a habit to leave everything behind when I go: work, the Intertubes, e-mail, even writing. Instead, I head into the surf, crack open books, crack open beers, and generally let myself completely relax for one week out of the year. No other vacation ever leaves me so prepared to stop being on vacation.
This year was fairly uneventful, unlike last year’s Adventures in Skim Boarding. No sharks, no dolphins, no real drunkenness. There were a couple amusing moments:
We showed my in-laws the video for Dick in a Box. They had never seen it, so TLB fired up YouTube and played it for them. As the video rapped through its first couple of verses toward its namesake chorus and Justin Timberlake popped the lid on a box attached to his crotch, my mother-in-law said, “Wait, what’s in the box?” Only someone so completely unaware of the punchline could have delivered that question with such perfect comic timing.
The other amusing thing was seeing a young man—a seemingly heterosexual male who appeared to be there with his girlfriend—with a lower-back tattoo. Now, having lived in a Big Ten college town for six years, I’ve seen this lumbar lure quite a bit. And not once, whether it was at a bar or at a fiction reading or at church, have I seen a guy lean over and reveal an ornate arrow leading to his ass.
Most straight men, at one time or other, obsess over appearing gay. I am not too bad about it. I freely admit that I like shopping, Project Runway, and using fancy salon products in my hair. But seeing a lower-back tattoo on a guy? It's practically screaming I want you to look at my hiney and then make sexy time.
It was…well, confusing. He seemed perfectly straight, splashing around with his female companion. He had no other tattoos, just this one. His girlfriend had no matching tattoo which might explain some drunken couples excursion to the tattoo parlor that lead to an inky bond between them. Was there some O. Henry-esque story here, where he got the tattoo on a bet to raise enough money so his girlfriend could have her lower-back tattoo removed, only to learn that his girlfriend sold her hair to raise the money so that her boyfriend wouldn’t have to get a stupid lower-back tattoo? I would have asked him, but I also considered that he might have gotten it in prison, and I'm...well, a guy who likes to get home from shopping in time to watch Project Runway.
Anyway, I had no really embarrassing pictures of me this year, but in downloading the pictures from the trip, I did find this one, from an earlier jaunt to Lake Geneva with TLB’s college friends.
Yes, that’s me with a pitcher of piña coladas. Yes, I am chugging straight from it. Yes, I graduated from college fifteen years ago. But hey, I was on vacation in Wisconsin. I was just trying to fit in.
And let me tell you, after that, I needed a vacation from the cold headache alone.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Vacation
In the American working tradition of working like a dog so you can spend one goddamned week not working like a dog, I had to bust my behind before leaving for vacation. In my haste, I forgot to put up the Gone Fishin' sign. I'll be frolicking on the beaches of North Carolina this week, soaking up as much sun as I can before the icy grip of winter crushes my heart this winter. I don't have a very large Intertube into the series of Intertubes, but I will probably put some posts up this week if I can get connected.
My only tale so far is that I got to play a Nintendo Wii for the first time. I never could have imagined moving your hands around like you're boxing or bowling could be so much fun. My marriage may be doomed. Unless I can get TLB to play the boxing game with me. That could be very therapeutic.
Regardless, the regular irregular blogging will resume next week. Hope you all can get outside and enjoy yourselves.
My only tale so far is that I got to play a Nintendo Wii for the first time. I never could have imagined moving your hands around like you're boxing or bowling could be so much fun. My marriage may be doomed. Unless I can get TLB to play the boxing game with me. That could be very therapeutic.
Regardless, the regular irregular blogging will resume next week. Hope you all can get outside and enjoy yourselves.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Top Ten Wednesdays: What's the FBI finding in our homes?
10) Illegal cryogenic facility with half-frozen head of Walt Disney.
9) Half-empty vial of Holy Spirit (may cause seizures).
8) A bunch of hypodermic needles scratching Hank Aaron’s broken record.
7) Secret copy of the Zapruder film showing JFK being shot by Waldo.
6) iPhone with YouTube clip of us filming dog fights while also conducting phone interview saying we’ve never been to a dog fight.
5) A dozen 9mm handguns, a fifth of Jack Daniels, and a box of porn, all perfectly legal. Sorry to have bothered you...wait a minute, what’s this? An ounce of weed, downloaded MP3s, and a gay marriage license? Up against the wall, pal!
4) What was left of Billy Bob and the dipping sauce.
3) Why nothing? Nothing at all! We haven’t been anywhere near your house! Why would you even think such a thing? It’s the blue one on the corner, right?
2) Internet tubes totally clogged with a truckload of bribes.
1) Nothing a call to the Vice President can’t fix.
9) Half-empty vial of Holy Spirit (may cause seizures).
8) A bunch of hypodermic needles scratching Hank Aaron’s broken record.
7) Secret copy of the Zapruder film showing JFK being shot by Waldo.
6) iPhone with YouTube clip of us filming dog fights while also conducting phone interview saying we’ve never been to a dog fight.
5) A dozen 9mm handguns, a fifth of Jack Daniels, and a box of porn, all perfectly legal. Sorry to have bothered you...wait a minute, what’s this? An ounce of weed, downloaded MP3s, and a gay marriage license? Up against the wall, pal!
4) What was left of Billy Bob and the dipping sauce.
3) Why nothing? Nothing at all! We haven’t been anywhere near your house! Why would you even think such a thing? It’s the blue one on the corner, right?
2) Internet tubes totally clogged with a truckload of bribes.
1) Nothing a call to the Vice President can’t fix.
Monday, July 30, 2007
So long and thanks for all the pork
Sorry for the lack of updates. The Lovely Becky and I have finally relocated to da UP. Last week was kind of a blur of farewells, last-minute stuff to do at work before I relocated my office to my house, and the actual move. I had a lot of random things I considered writing about, so I decided just to write randomly about things I did:
- Met three blog friends and
plotted the takover of teh Internetswound up joking and drinking like we were old friends by night's end. The Internet--it's not just for boobies and cute animal photos with snarky captions. It's also a mechanism for meeting cool new people for completely nonsexual reasons. - Had a conversation with friends about how much of one's penis has to penetrate for sex or "intercourse" to take place officially. My answer: 50% or more. The penis can only count in whole amounts. And yes, I've given TLB an excellent set up for a comment joke.
- Realized I was completely, utterly, bat-shittingly wrong about The Minutemen. I watched the documentary on them, We Jam Econo, with my friend Bob. It was like the scales fell from my eyes while pogoing to Damascus. I've been playing Double Nickels on the Dime religiously all week.
- Realized I was almost as wrong about The Simpsons Movie before I saw it. I thought it was going to be an aimless gag fest like the show has been the last few seasons. Let's just say they brought their A-game. Dianosis: hilarious!
- Enjoyed Bob singing to his son every night, so much that I am thinking about having him podcast it for me.
- Enjoyed the five-star accommodations Bob and SER provided while we were inter-moving refugees. We arrived to find not only that we had our own bathroom adjacent to our bedroom, but also robes and bottled water wating for us in said bathroom. We cannot thank them enough for putting us up and making our transient status so wonderful.
- Felt very sad to leave Iowa City. I thought about writing a long, probably overly sentimental post about leaving. But I realized that I could sum up how I felt pretty quickly: it's the most fun I've ever had anywhere. The friends we made and the experiences we had were life-changing. Leaving was tough, but leaving will never change what we got out of living there.
- Realized that even though I hated to leave, I was excited to embark on a new adventure with TLB. We are a team, and this move is great for her, which makes it great for me.
So that's it. We're setting up shop and moving onto Chapter 8 of the TLB/Brando story. As much as we loved Chapter 7, we have to keep turning pages to finish the whole thing.
And besides, I think Chapter 8 is when the threesome finally happens!
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Top Ten Tuesdays: What changes are we making to Catholicism?
10) Introducing supersize communion option with 30% more salvation.
9) Changing guitar mass to Guitar Hero mass
8) Trying to add more life to mass by using a dead language.
7) Hiring P. Diddy to produce new "Rappin' Rosary" album.
6) Switching to more efficient metric system for confession penance (venial sin=1.52 Our Fathers).
5) Selling indulgences from Church to pay for indulgences of Church.
4) Relabeling “Protestants” as “Protes-Can’ts-Go-to-Heaven.”
3) Granting lifelong absolution from meatless Friday to anyone who doesn’t press charges.
2) Telling souls in Limbo, “You don’t have to go to Hell, but you can’t stay here.”
1) Excommunicating progress.
9) Changing guitar mass to Guitar Hero mass
8) Trying to add more life to mass by using a dead language.
7) Hiring P. Diddy to produce new "Rappin' Rosary" album.
6) Switching to more efficient metric system for confession penance (venial sin=1.52 Our Fathers).
5) Selling indulgences from Church to pay for indulgences of Church.
4) Relabeling “Protestants” as “Protes-Can’ts-Go-to-Heaven.”
3) Granting lifelong absolution from meatless Friday to anyone who doesn’t press charges.
2) Telling souls in Limbo, “You don’t have to go to Hell, but you can’t stay here.”
1) Excommunicating progress.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Friday CJ Random 11
It’s one more random than 10!
Tis my last weekend in The IC as an IC'er. So sad. But hey, what better time to play music than when you need a pick-me-up? On to today's playlist...
1) “It’s Only Rock and Roll,” The Rolling Stones. I am definitely more of a Beatles guy than a Stones guy, but it’s hard not to groove to this song. I like it when the list starts out with a classic, the way a good live show should.
2) “Seven,” Sunny Day Real Estate. The original emo kids who combined Robert Smith moping with punky ass kicking. This is a really good song, in part because it’s chock full o’ drum fills. I can never get enough drum fills. Other things I love, I can maybe get full of. Schnitzengruben? Fifteen is my limit. Sex? It doesn’t happen very often, but there are those times when I have to say Baby, please, I am not from Havana. But more drum fills? I’m like Oliver Twist: please, sir, I want some more.
3) “Ever Fallen in Love?” Buzzcocks. They took the buzzing energy of The Ramones and added a great British pop sensibility. “Orgasm Addict” is still my favorite (surprise) but this is a close second.
4) “Don’t Stand So Close to Me ’86,” The Police. They went Al Qaeda and blew themselves up with this terrible remake. All full of awful, from the cheesy drums to the plodding pace to the vocal deliveries. Should have been called "Don't Come so Close to Making Me Hate You '86."
5) “Stella Was a Race Car Driver and She’s Always Down,” Interpol. First things first, a great song from one of the best new bands around. It has a skittish verse followed by a strong, heavy chorus. Good stuff.
Second: earlier this week, Pinko and I got into a disagreement about Interpol and what makes them awesome. It doesn’t matter who’s right* and who’s wrong**. Instead, it illustrated one of the top five things the Internet was designed for:
- Porn
- Coordinating military counterstrikes after a nuclear war has severed central communications
- Funny cat photos
- Debating popular culture with religious-revival fervor
- Spam
6) “The World Stops Turning,” Ted Leo and the Pharmacists. He delivers awesome bursts of catchy, politically charged rock. One of my favorite artists to work out to, like listening to an energy bar when I need a boost. Which is quite frequently since I'm often weighed down by too many schnitzengruben.
7) “Keep the Car Running,” Arcade Fire. I’ve said it before: great group, terrific album (Neon Bible). But I had the misfortune of seeing a rerun of their Saturday Night Live performance. They played great, they sounded very good, but their lead singer committed two of the biggest rock sins in my book. During their first song, he played an acoustic guitar that had a political message on it, which is so Michael Stipe wearing 20 different slogan T-shirts to the MTV Video Awards. You want to get political, please do, but say it, don't spray paint it.
Then, at the end of the song, he smashed his perfectly good guitar into smithereens. Kids, listen up: smashing your instruments is over. It’s like swinging, a once-rebellious action that now just leads to a lot of head-scratching and irritation. Don't be a fool, protect your musical tools.
8) “To Live Is to Die,” Metallica. I’ve never soured so much on a band the way I soured on them. By the time they released Load (of Poop), they had transformed into the asses they had once tried to stick metal up. But this song is before that happened, a tribute to their deceased bass player (crushed by a bus!), a heavy, shifting nine-minute instrumental that floats my boat (shocking for me, I know). Around the 5:00 mark there’s a transition that leads to a weepy solo, before the band punch each other in the shoulders to keep from crying and start rocking again.
9) “Shatter,” Liz Phair. Speaking of career suicide, she went from awesome to Avril within 10 years. I don’t blame any artist for wanting to reach a wide audience—if you didn’t want people to notice you, you wouldn’t be on stage—but I never understood Phair’s utterly unsubtle attempts to be a radio friendly unit shifter. However, she will always have the astounding Exile in Guyville, which this is from, one of those great singer-songwriter albums where she fully displays her naked soul (and part of a nipple if you look closely at the cover).
10) “Dreams,” Fleetwood Mac. One of my favorite songs, a perfect blend of music and vocals. Rumors is one of those albums that shows you can be unbelievably popular and deliver the artistic goods.
11) “People of the Sun,” Rage Against the Machine. Another of my go-to workout bands, but sometimes they get me a little carried away. I can’t tell you how many muscles have been pulled because of “Guerilla Radio.” Usually it goes like this when a good Rage song comes on...
Me: Aw, hell yeah, bring that shit, boi! Let’s put some more plates on this mofo.
My back: Yo, yo, yo, you can’t lift that much, yo!
Me: Why you always hatin’, back? Quit oppressin’ my weight liftin’ dreams like the machine Rage is ragin’ against. Yo.
My back: Aight, don’t say I didn’t warn you. I’m goin’ have to pop one in your latissimus dorsi, dawg.
Me: Agh! I’m gonna need like traction and shit. Damn, back, you’re always right!
My back: Word.
Bonus video: I get infected with this song periodically, and one of my brothers e-mailed it to me this week. So once again I’m going around singing it. If you haven't seen this video, it will change your opinion of Justin Timberlake forever. I won't mention the title if you haven't, so you can enjoy the full joke, but it's not work safe.
Have a good weekend.
*Me
** Pinko
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Top Ten Tuesdays: What defective products have we purchased from the Chinese?
Special extra dangerous edition!
11) Trident Gumm, the only gum made from actual tridents!
10) TiVo that only records government propaganda
9) Soylent Puppy Chow
8) Chinese water torture kit that delivers relaxing forehead massage
7) Steel wool jockstraps
6) General Tso’s Tastes-Just-Like-Chicken
5) Not-So-Brite Toothpaste
4) Finger traps made from recycled glass shards
3) The all-wheel drive Destructo with optional driver’s side body bag
2) Fisher Price’s My First Human Rights Kit (missing a few pieces)
1) Misfortune Cookies that predict grizzly death*
*probably from Chinese products
11) Trident Gumm, the only gum made from actual tridents!
10) TiVo that only records government propaganda
9) Soylent Puppy Chow
8) Chinese water torture kit that delivers relaxing forehead massage
7) Steel wool jockstraps
6) General Tso’s Tastes-Just-Like-Chicken
5) Not-So-Brite Toothpaste
4) Finger traps made from recycled glass shards
3) The all-wheel drive Destructo with optional driver’s side body bag
2) Fisher Price’s My First Human Rights Kit (missing a few pieces)
1) Misfortune Cookies that predict grizzly death*
*probably from Chinese products
Monday, July 16, 2007
Fox News Family Feud
A game show stage shrouded in darkness. An ANNOUNCER speaks.
ANNOUNCER
Today, two groups of Fox News personalities will square off on the most Fair and Balanced game show in America....Fox News Family Feud.
The lights go up. There are two families. The Conservatives include SEAN HANNITY, GRETCHEN CARLSON, BRITT HUME, JOHN GIBSON, and MICHELLE MALKIN. Across from them are the Liberals, with only ALAN COLMES present.
ANNOUNCER
And now, let’s give a big welcome to your hostess, a lady who’s got more balls than a major league batting practice...Ann Coulter!
ANN COULTER strides out in a pants suit.
COULTER (adjusting crotch as she walks on stage)
Welcome to Fox News Family Feud, the show that reports what we decide to tell Fox News viewers! Let’s meet our families!
She walks over to the Conservatives.
COULTER (to Sean Hannity)
I know this handsome devil very well! Ladies and gentlemen, Sean Hannity!
Couler reaches over to kiss him on the cheek, but Hannity grabs her and tries to kiss her lips. Coulter shoves him off.
COULTER
Sean! Don’t make me spank you!
HANNITY (low)
Please do! I’ve been so bad.
COULTER
Just introduce your teammates, you boot licker.
HANNITY (composes himself)
From Fox & Fiends…(slaps his own cheek) sorry, Fox and Friends, the lovely Gretchen Carlson.
CARLSON
Hi! I heard Hillary is actually part of an Al Qaeda sleeper cell!
HANNITY
Next to her, the legendary Britt Hume.
HUME (twitching)
Grr…Mexicans!
HANNITY
Author and host John Gibson
GIBSON
I’ve written a new book, The War on Christmas in July: Why Liberals Hate Our Summer Retail Sales.
HANNITY
And finally, the one-and-only Michelle Malkin.
MALKIN (twitching)
Grr…Muslims!
COULTER (moving to the other side of the stage)
And over on my left, Alan Colmes, playing for the Wusses.
COLMES
Ann, how many times do I have to correct you? It’s pronounced “liberals.”
COULTER
Here we go. Wusses go first. One hundred Fox News viewers surveyed, top five answers on the board. A number of high profile Republicans have been caught in sex scandals. What encouraged them to engage in these affairs?
COLMES
I’ll say their suppressed sexual desires.
COULTER
You would say that….show me suppression of sexual desires.
There’s a BUZZ as the answer board flashes a big red X.
COULTER
Nice try, four eyes. (Moves to the other side of the stage.) Okay, conservatives, here’s your chance. What pushed these Republican congressmen down the path of sexual perversion?
HUME
Mexicans!
HANNITY
Not yet, Britt! (to Coulter) We’re going to go with Clinton’s Penis.
COULTER
Show me Clinton’s Penis!
The board DINGS and the top answer, with 100 responses, is Clinton’s Penis.
COLMES
Wait, if that’s 100, what are the other four answers?
The board turns the other four spots over, all of which are blank.
COULTER
All our viewers had the same answer, Alan. We just wanted to fool you. Okay, next question, for the Conservatives. One hundred Fox News viewers surveyed, top five answers on the board. Why are our borders flooded with illegal immigrants?
HUME and MALKIN (together)
Mexicans!
COULTER
Are you sure? Think really hard about your answer.
HUME
More Mexicans!
MALKIN
No, wait...the answer is Clinton’s Penis!
COULTER
Let’s see Clinton’s Penis!
The board DINGS and Clinton’s Penis is the number one answer, with 100 responses.
COULTER
Tough break Alan, but I’m sure you would have given me some nonsense answer anyway. Here’s your last shot. You have to get points here to get to the bonus round. One hundred Fox viewers surveyed, top two answers on the board. Why is John Edwards such a Brecht girl faggot pants?
COLMES
Is that really the question!
COULTER (checking her cards)
Oops, you’re right, that’s a draft of my next column. Here’s the actual question. Who was responsible for 9/11?
COLMES
Osama bin Laden.
COULTER
Show me Obama!
The board DINGS and the second spot is Barack Obama with 49 points.
COLMES
I said "Osama. "
COULTER (shrugs)
Yes, our judges accepted that, too. (Walking to Conservatives, who huddle together in a conference.) Okay, Conservatives, one more answer left. What’s it going to be?
HANNITY (breaking huddle)
We’re going to go with...Clinton’s Penis!
COULTER
Flash me Clinton’s Penis!
The board DINGS and Clinton’s Penis is number one with 51 responses.
COULTER
Since the Moonbats managed to score some points, they qualify for the double-bonus round. Conservatives, who’s going to go against Alan?
HANNITY
I’ll do it. I’m used to kicking his ass.
Hannity and Colmes square off in the center stage.
COULTER
This next prize is a big one. Johnny, tell them what they’re playing for...
ANNOUNCER
The winner of this round will receive...The White House!
A picture of The White House flashes on screen.
ANNOUNCER (cont.)
You’ll receive four to eight years in the most powerful political position on Earth, where you can spy on Americans, start wars, and treat the Constitution like a roll of Charmin.
A Diebold voting machine shows on the screen.
ANNOUNCER (cont.)
This fabulous prize is brought to you by Diebold, makers of fine electoral “voting” machines! When you need to win, you need Diebold!
COULTER
Sean, play or pass?
HANNITY
I’ll pass.
COULTER
Alan, here’s the question, and the top two answers are on the board. What is the greatest threat to American security in 2008?
COLMES (sighs)
Ugh
COULTER
Ten seconds. Right answer gives you the White House.
COLMES
(pauses) I can’t believe I’m going to say it, but...Clinton’s penis.
COULTER
That a boy! (to the board) Unleash Clinton’s penis!
The board DINGS and shows Clinton’s penis with 49 responses.
COULTER
Oh, close but no White House cigar! Sean, here’s your chance.
HANNITY
Wow, for once I agreed with Alan. But if it’s not Clinton's Penis, it must be...(snaps fingers) Hillary’s Penis!
The board DINGS and turns over Hillary’s penis with 51 responses.
COLMES
That’s preposterous, how can a woman have a penis!
COULTER
Oh, let me show you, my peg boy! (She grabs Colmes's hand and presses it to her crotch.) That’s all the time we have. Tune in next week when the Conservatives square off against five scarecrows playing for the Liberals!
ANNOUNCER
Today, two groups of Fox News personalities will square off on the most Fair and Balanced game show in America....Fox News Family Feud.
The lights go up. There are two families. The Conservatives include SEAN HANNITY, GRETCHEN CARLSON, BRITT HUME, JOHN GIBSON, and MICHELLE MALKIN. Across from them are the Liberals, with only ALAN COLMES present.
ANNOUNCER
And now, let’s give a big welcome to your hostess, a lady who’s got more balls than a major league batting practice...Ann Coulter!
ANN COULTER strides out in a pants suit.
COULTER (adjusting crotch as she walks on stage)
Welcome to Fox News Family Feud, the show that reports what we decide to tell Fox News viewers! Let’s meet our families!
She walks over to the Conservatives.
COULTER (to Sean Hannity)
I know this handsome devil very well! Ladies and gentlemen, Sean Hannity!
Couler reaches over to kiss him on the cheek, but Hannity grabs her and tries to kiss her lips. Coulter shoves him off.
COULTER
Sean! Don’t make me spank you!
HANNITY (low)
Please do! I’ve been so bad.
COULTER
Just introduce your teammates, you boot licker.
HANNITY (composes himself)
From Fox & Fiends…(slaps his own cheek) sorry, Fox and Friends, the lovely Gretchen Carlson.
CARLSON
Hi! I heard Hillary is actually part of an Al Qaeda sleeper cell!
HANNITY
Next to her, the legendary Britt Hume.
HUME (twitching)
Grr…Mexicans!
HANNITY
Author and host John Gibson
GIBSON
I’ve written a new book, The War on Christmas in July: Why Liberals Hate Our Summer Retail Sales.
HANNITY
And finally, the one-and-only Michelle Malkin.
MALKIN (twitching)
Grr…Muslims!
COULTER (moving to the other side of the stage)
And over on my left, Alan Colmes, playing for the Wusses.
COLMES
Ann, how many times do I have to correct you? It’s pronounced “liberals.”
COULTER
Here we go. Wusses go first. One hundred Fox News viewers surveyed, top five answers on the board. A number of high profile Republicans have been caught in sex scandals. What encouraged them to engage in these affairs?
COLMES
I’ll say their suppressed sexual desires.
COULTER
You would say that….show me suppression of sexual desires.
There’s a BUZZ as the answer board flashes a big red X.
COULTER
Nice try, four eyes. (Moves to the other side of the stage.) Okay, conservatives, here’s your chance. What pushed these Republican congressmen down the path of sexual perversion?
HUME
Mexicans!
HANNITY
Not yet, Britt! (to Coulter) We’re going to go with Clinton’s Penis.
COULTER
Show me Clinton’s Penis!
The board DINGS and the top answer, with 100 responses, is Clinton’s Penis.
COLMES
Wait, if that’s 100, what are the other four answers?
The board turns the other four spots over, all of which are blank.
COULTER
All our viewers had the same answer, Alan. We just wanted to fool you. Okay, next question, for the Conservatives. One hundred Fox News viewers surveyed, top five answers on the board. Why are our borders flooded with illegal immigrants?
HUME and MALKIN (together)
Mexicans!
COULTER
Are you sure? Think really hard about your answer.
HUME
More Mexicans!
MALKIN
No, wait...the answer is Clinton’s Penis!
COULTER
Let’s see Clinton’s Penis!
The board DINGS and Clinton’s Penis is the number one answer, with 100 responses.
COULTER
Tough break Alan, but I’m sure you would have given me some nonsense answer anyway. Here’s your last shot. You have to get points here to get to the bonus round. One hundred Fox viewers surveyed, top two answers on the board. Why is John Edwards such a Brecht girl faggot pants?
COLMES
Is that really the question!
COULTER (checking her cards)
Oops, you’re right, that’s a draft of my next column. Here’s the actual question. Who was responsible for 9/11?
COLMES
Osama bin Laden.
COULTER
Show me Obama!
The board DINGS and the second spot is Barack Obama with 49 points.
COLMES
I said "Osama. "
COULTER (shrugs)
Yes, our judges accepted that, too. (Walking to Conservatives, who huddle together in a conference.) Okay, Conservatives, one more answer left. What’s it going to be?
HANNITY (breaking huddle)
We’re going to go with...Clinton’s Penis!
COULTER
Flash me Clinton’s Penis!
The board DINGS and Clinton’s Penis is number one with 51 responses.
COULTER
Since the Moonbats managed to score some points, they qualify for the double-bonus round. Conservatives, who’s going to go against Alan?
HANNITY
I’ll do it. I’m used to kicking his ass.
Hannity and Colmes square off in the center stage.
COULTER
This next prize is a big one. Johnny, tell them what they’re playing for...
ANNOUNCER
The winner of this round will receive...The White House!
A picture of The White House flashes on screen.
ANNOUNCER (cont.)
You’ll receive four to eight years in the most powerful political position on Earth, where you can spy on Americans, start wars, and treat the Constitution like a roll of Charmin.
A Diebold voting machine shows on the screen.
ANNOUNCER (cont.)
This fabulous prize is brought to you by Diebold, makers of fine electoral “voting” machines! When you need to win, you need Diebold!
COULTER
Sean, play or pass?
HANNITY
I’ll pass.
COULTER
Alan, here’s the question, and the top two answers are on the board. What is the greatest threat to American security in 2008?
COLMES (sighs)
Ugh
COULTER
Ten seconds. Right answer gives you the White House.
COLMES
(pauses) I can’t believe I’m going to say it, but...Clinton’s penis.
COULTER
That a boy! (to the board) Unleash Clinton’s penis!
The board DINGS and shows Clinton’s penis with 49 responses.
COULTER
Oh, close but no White House cigar! Sean, here’s your chance.
HANNITY
Wow, for once I agreed with Alan. But if it’s not Clinton's Penis, it must be...(snaps fingers) Hillary’s Penis!
The board DINGS and turns over Hillary’s penis with 51 responses.
COLMES
That’s preposterous, how can a woman have a penis!
COULTER
Oh, let me show you, my peg boy! (She grabs Colmes's hand and presses it to her crotch.) That’s all the time we have. Tune in next week when the Conservatives square off against five scarecrows playing for the Liberals!
Friday, July 13, 2007
Friday CJ Random 11
It’s one more random than 10!
It’s Friday the 13th, the universal day of bad luck. Usually I ward off any potential misfortune on this day by doing something else that’s supposed to bring bad luck, like multiplying two negative numbers to get a positive. So after I took a shower this morning, I toweled off with a black cat.
1) “ Ambulance” TV on the Radio. An a-cappella song with a nice dum-dum-dum bass vocal and good harmonies. I’m not a huge fan of these guys, but I do like how they get creative with their vocals.
2) “Hemispheres,” Rush. Oh sweet Jesus. Eighteen minutes, six parts, and an album cover that’s even too fruity for Toucan Sam. The song describes a battle between Apollo (the god of reason) and Dionysus (the god of love and emotion) for control humanity. They fight until a guy who went through a black hole in a song on the previous album asks why they just can’t get along. There’s also a gong.
Trying to maintain any semblance of cool while saying you like this is like charging a German machine gun nest while armed with Nerf arrows. But I do like the music, especially Alex Lifeson’s guitar playing. So just fire away while my Underoos are caught on the barbed wire.
3) “Off the Record,” My Morning Jacket. A great song that manages to be catchy and unpredictable. It starts with a bouncy reggae rhythm which leads into a poppy chorus. Then the second half makes a left turn at Albuquerque into a hazy, druggy jam. The only thing it needs is some Greek mythology.
4) “As Wicked,” Rancid. This is the punky opposite of "Hemispheres," and yet I love it equally. I feel a battle brewing....
5) “Changes,” Yes. Today, on this mystical Friday the 13th, two gods fight for control of one man's playlist: Punkus, the god of attitude and keeper the Three Mystical Guitar Chords; and Proggus, bringer of extended solos and harbinger of abrupt time signature changes. They fight a titanic struggle, with Punkus launching wave after wave of two minute burts of catchy fury, while Proggus returns fire with double-neck guitars behind towers of synthesizers. Back and forth they go, until our hero, the god Chillus, arrives. He waves his Rod of Chillin’ and cries out, “Silence!”
To be continued....
6) “Welcome Home,” Coheed and Cambria. And Chillus did wave his wand, and said “Behold, I give you Coheed and Cambria, bringers of punky energy and deliverers of proggy noodling. See how they combine these two elements and deliver the majesty of rock with the mystery of roll without making you choose between the two styles. Verily, you do not need to be an either/or cobag, cobag.”
And Chillus was right. And yea did Fuse play the videos of Coheed and Cambria, and lo how the emo kids and metal kids bought their records. And the gods looked down and said it was pretty good.
7) “September,” Ryan Adams. And we’re back with a quiet, beautiful, and sad song from Ryan Adams about a man remembering how his love died after being turned to stone by Medusa.
8) “Surf Wax America,” Weezer. A dark little ditty about a surfer dude who makes fun of people who have to go to work, then gets crushed beneath a wave and drowns. Maybe my favorite song from their debut album.
9) “The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll (Live),” Bob Dylan. This is from the Concert at Philharmonic Hall album. It’s funny, on every track, the audience lets Dylan play a few bars, then claps. I’ve never seen that happen at shows, yet it happens so regularly here, I figure it must have been the style of the time. Do people still do this, or is it a quaint old custom like pipe smoking or saving yourself for marriage?
10) “Low Low Low,” James. I have to credit The Lovely Becky for getting me to look past their hit “Laid” and digging to this album. Good, catchy Britpop.
11) “Overkill,” Colin Hay. An acoustic version of my favorite Men at Work song. I downloaded after seeing him sing it on an episode of Scrubs, a show which balances sentimentality with rapid-fire bursts of sarcastic dialog. That seems like an appropriate coda to this week’s list.
I'm currently in the studio working on next week's list, an 11-part concept post about the eternal struggle between Cuddlus, the God of Romance, and and Bonerisus, Bringer of Erections. I'm just trying to figure out where to put the gong.
Hope to finish something and post this weekend, but until then, drink up! It’s happy hour someplace.
It’s Friday the 13th, the universal day of bad luck. Usually I ward off any potential misfortune on this day by doing something else that’s supposed to bring bad luck, like multiplying two negative numbers to get a positive. So after I took a shower this morning, I toweled off with a black cat.
1) “ Ambulance” TV on the Radio. An a-cappella song with a nice dum-dum-dum bass vocal and good harmonies. I’m not a huge fan of these guys, but I do like how they get creative with their vocals.
2) “Hemispheres,” Rush. Oh sweet Jesus. Eighteen minutes, six parts, and an album cover that’s even too fruity for Toucan Sam. The song describes a battle between Apollo (the god of reason) and Dionysus (the god of love and emotion) for control humanity. They fight until a guy who went through a black hole in a song on the previous album asks why they just can’t get along. There’s also a gong.
Trying to maintain any semblance of cool while saying you like this is like charging a German machine gun nest while armed with Nerf arrows. But I do like the music, especially Alex Lifeson’s guitar playing. So just fire away while my Underoos are caught on the barbed wire.
3) “Off the Record,” My Morning Jacket. A great song that manages to be catchy and unpredictable. It starts with a bouncy reggae rhythm which leads into a poppy chorus. Then the second half makes a left turn at Albuquerque into a hazy, druggy jam. The only thing it needs is some Greek mythology.
4) “As Wicked,” Rancid. This is the punky opposite of "Hemispheres," and yet I love it equally. I feel a battle brewing....
5) “Changes,” Yes. Today, on this mystical Friday the 13th, two gods fight for control of one man's playlist: Punkus, the god of attitude and keeper the Three Mystical Guitar Chords; and Proggus, bringer of extended solos and harbinger of abrupt time signature changes. They fight a titanic struggle, with Punkus launching wave after wave of two minute burts of catchy fury, while Proggus returns fire with double-neck guitars behind towers of synthesizers. Back and forth they go, until our hero, the god Chillus, arrives. He waves his Rod of Chillin’ and cries out, “Silence!”
To be continued....
6) “Welcome Home,” Coheed and Cambria. And Chillus did wave his wand, and said “Behold, I give you Coheed and Cambria, bringers of punky energy and deliverers of proggy noodling. See how they combine these two elements and deliver the majesty of rock with the mystery of roll without making you choose between the two styles. Verily, you do not need to be an either/or cobag, cobag.”
And Chillus was right. And yea did Fuse play the videos of Coheed and Cambria, and lo how the emo kids and metal kids bought their records. And the gods looked down and said it was pretty good.
7) “September,” Ryan Adams. And we’re back with a quiet, beautiful, and sad song from Ryan Adams about a man remembering how his love died after being turned to stone by Medusa.
8) “Surf Wax America,” Weezer. A dark little ditty about a surfer dude who makes fun of people who have to go to work, then gets crushed beneath a wave and drowns. Maybe my favorite song from their debut album.
9) “The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll (Live),” Bob Dylan. This is from the Concert at Philharmonic Hall album. It’s funny, on every track, the audience lets Dylan play a few bars, then claps. I’ve never seen that happen at shows, yet it happens so regularly here, I figure it must have been the style of the time. Do people still do this, or is it a quaint old custom like pipe smoking or saving yourself for marriage?
10) “Low Low Low,” James. I have to credit The Lovely Becky for getting me to look past their hit “Laid” and digging to this album. Good, catchy Britpop.
11) “Overkill,” Colin Hay. An acoustic version of my favorite Men at Work song. I downloaded after seeing him sing it on an episode of Scrubs, a show which balances sentimentality with rapid-fire bursts of sarcastic dialog. That seems like an appropriate coda to this week’s list.
I'm currently in the studio working on next week's list, an 11-part concept post about the eternal struggle between Cuddlus, the God of Romance, and and Bonerisus, Bringer of Erections. I'm just trying to figure out where to put the gong.
Hope to finish something and post this weekend, but until then, drink up! It’s happy hour someplace.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we beating the heat?
Special extended heat wave edition!
12) Getting out of the kitchen and back to Arizona.
11) Crying frozen tears on wife's very cold shoulder.
10) Launching massive nuclear attack to trigger early winter.
9) Commuting heat from boil to simmer.
8) Going commando and straddling the air vents in the office.
7) Enjoying the air conditioning in the unemployment office.
6) Injecting actual ice water into veins.
5) Replacing current marital aids with Freeze Pops.
4) Refusing to deliver temperature readings to Congressional committee.
3) Scarfing latest Ben & Jerry’s flavor, “Chunky Freon.”
2) Renting lakeside timeshare in the Ninth Circle of Hell.
1) Fighting the heat in the desert so we don't have to fight it over here.
12) Getting out of the kitchen and back to Arizona.
11) Crying frozen tears on wife's very cold shoulder.
10) Launching massive nuclear attack to trigger early winter.
9) Commuting heat from boil to simmer.
8) Going commando and straddling the air vents in the office.
7) Enjoying the air conditioning in the unemployment office.
6) Injecting actual ice water into veins.
5) Replacing current marital aids with Freeze Pops.
4) Refusing to deliver temperature readings to Congressional committee.
3) Scarfing latest Ben & Jerry’s flavor, “Chunky Freon.”
2) Renting lakeside timeshare in the Ninth Circle of Hell.
1) Fighting the heat in the desert so we don't have to fight it over here.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Eight Is Enough to Fill My Blog With a Meme
I just flew in from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and boy are my arms tired!
I am back in The IC (for those of you scoring at home) after moving to the UP. The Lovely Becky and I have work stuff going on here this month, so even though we have obtained a new house in our new home town, we are back in our old home town for a couple of weeks, staying with our friends SER and BH and their new wee one, S-to-the-Ren. SER and BH demonstrated remarkable adorableness today by singing Beatles songs to S-t-t-R, including "I'm Only Sleeping" to put the little lad to sleep. Those are the sorts of things that maintain my faith in humanity.
While exhausting, the trip went pretty well. We took a couple days off to go to Lake Geneva for a quick, drunken vacation with TLB's college friends. The closing on the new house went smoothly, but the people we bought it from mistakenly thought they had a self-cleaning kitchen, because much of it looked like it hadn't been cleaned since the Iranian Hostage Crisis. We fought grease with elbow grease and managed to get the counters back to their natural white. I almost caused TLB to add coffee stains to the floor when I portrayed a character, Mr. Lightswitch, thanking me for cleaning him. Oh, thank you so much, I was trapped under all this grime, and now I can see again! I said in a squeaky voice. And thank you for cleaning my true love, the dishwasher! Yes, being married to me is the gift that keeps on giving.
Right before I began my four-state Upper Midwest tour, Jennifer had tagged me with a meme. I have to name eight (hopefully) interesting, random facts about me. I was dreaming when I wrote this, so please sue me if it goes astray....
1) When I was in seventh grade, I was in a group called The Glazed Chickens. Not a rock group. Not a comedy group. Just a group of dorks like me. There were seven of us, divided into ranks. The head guy was the Archgiglioid. My best friend Tom was the Vice Giglioid. I don't remember what my title was, which means it wasn't that good. The regular people outside the group were Sheep. People that we didn't like were either Sub-Sheep, Sub-She-Sheep, or Sub-She-Sheep-Execretement. At one point, our principal heard about us, and thought we were some kind of gang. She actually asked Tom about what we did, like we were running drugs or starting fights.
2) The gang thing was especially funny because the only thing The Glazed Chickens ever did, besides label people, was write The Joke Book. We had a green Mead notebook, emblazoned with our mascot, this goofy cartoon character called Derange-O the Clown, and we wrote every single joke the seven of us had ever heard. If they weren't directly lifted from books like Truly Tasteless Jokes, they were in that same vein. We categorized them by subject: Sex Jokes, Religious Jokes, Leper Jokes, and so on. We had a chapter on Helen Keller Jokes, and whenever Tom and I happen to mention The Joke Book, we always remember this joke:
What did Helen Keller say when someone gave her a cheese grater?
That's the most violent book I ever read.
I really wish I still had The Joke Book, but when the principal started investigating our gang activities, we destroyed it because we worried we would get suspended or expelled. Let's just say we weren't a very tough gang.
3) I once traveled from Iowa City to Virginia to see Rush in concert. It was the Rush 30th anniversary tour, and I wanted to go see them with Tom. We are both big Rush fans, so much so that no matter what song they would have played from the 17 albums they had released by that point, we probably would have known all of the words. Anyway, as we were enjoying the concert, I heard the first acoustic notes of "The Trees," one of their old classics and one of my favorites. As soon as I recognized it, I let out a very loud, "Fuck yeah!"
Tom, every bit as much of a Rush nerd as I am, turned to me and asked, "Did you just say, 'Fuck yeah'?" As if he was asking me if I had just wet myself.
"Yeah," I replied meekly. At least my pants were dry.
4) I have gone skinny dipping twice. The first time was in high school in San Diego. My friends and I were at a party at Mission Beach. One very drunk friend suggested that the group of us -- five guys -- go swimming. Naked. We had to be hammered because, despite being at an age where guys are very wary about appearing "gay," the suggestion didn't sound the least bit gay to us. Off we went, off came the clothes, and we jumped in the water and swam around for a bit. After about a half hour, we headed back to the party, our clothes sticking to us because we had not thought about drying off ahead of time. In the interim, the police had shown up and busted up the party, throwing some of the drunker kids into the backs of the squad cars. Our little naked excursion had probably saved us from getting busted.
The second time, TLB and I were at a wedding in Tampa with a bunch of her friends from college. We were all staying at a hotel right on the beach. One friend in particular, Todd, was always promoting some type of nude activity. The combination of booze, post-college nostalgia, and beach led to all of us taking him up on an offer to go skinny dipping. About a dozen of us stripped and piled into the water under the moonlight. Todd, however, thought TLB had kept on her swimsuit and called her on it. My quite naked wife bounced up above the water line and said, "Do these look like a swimsuit to you?" That's just one reason (or is it two?) that she's my soul mate.
5) I have alluded to this before, but never fully confessed it: I was a pretty serious Republican until the 1992 election. All through high school, I was a staunch Reagan supporter, and in fact got pretty annoyed with TLB when she would wear her "I survived the Reagan Administration" button on her jacket. I once got into an argument with a very liberal friend about how China's human rights record should not affect its Most Favored Nation trading status. I voted for Bush in 1988.
So what turned me around? A lot of things, such as studying the CIA in grad school and living in New York City. But honestly, it was when I realized that the Republican Party was the party of John Lithgow in Footloose, and I would much rather be Kevin Bacon, driving around while cranking Quiet Riot and trying to get it on with the preacher's daughter.
6) I have never seen The Godfather. I really don't know why, but it's my biggest popular culture gap.
7) I went through the Second City comedy writing program in Chicago. For a year, my classmates and I wrote sketches each week and brought them in, eventually using our best stuff to create a show that students in the acting/improv program performed. Pack for the Afterlife was the closing sketch and song for the show, and hearing people laugh at my stuff was one of the greatest feelings I've ever had.
8) Circle Jerk at the Square Dance was originally the title of a novel I was writing, about a group of people putting on a sketch comedy show. The structure allowed me to insert sketches into the story, such as The Osbournes Animal Planet. I eventually reached a point where I realized the novel was never going to work, got very depressed about ditching the novel, and wound up not writing for a while. The wise TLB suggested I start a blog, partly as an outlet for the comedy bits that filter through my head, but also to get me out of my creative funk. I struggled with what to call it, until she said, "You should call it Circle Jerk at the Square Dance."
You see, I married her for her mind as much as her moonlit bosoms.
I'm not going to tag anyone since so many have done this one. Back with a Top Ten on Tuesday, and hopefully a couple new sketches I thought of while I was on the road.
I am back in The IC (for those of you scoring at home) after moving to the UP. The Lovely Becky and I have work stuff going on here this month, so even though we have obtained a new house in our new home town, we are back in our old home town for a couple of weeks, staying with our friends SER and BH and their new wee one, S-to-the-Ren. SER and BH demonstrated remarkable adorableness today by singing Beatles songs to S-t-t-R, including "I'm Only Sleeping" to put the little lad to sleep. Those are the sorts of things that maintain my faith in humanity.
While exhausting, the trip went pretty well. We took a couple days off to go to Lake Geneva for a quick, drunken vacation with TLB's college friends. The closing on the new house went smoothly, but the people we bought it from mistakenly thought they had a self-cleaning kitchen, because much of it looked like it hadn't been cleaned since the Iranian Hostage Crisis. We fought grease with elbow grease and managed to get the counters back to their natural white. I almost caused TLB to add coffee stains to the floor when I portrayed a character, Mr. Lightswitch, thanking me for cleaning him. Oh, thank you so much, I was trapped under all this grime, and now I can see again! I said in a squeaky voice. And thank you for cleaning my true love, the dishwasher! Yes, being married to me is the gift that keeps on giving.
Right before I began my four-state Upper Midwest tour, Jennifer had tagged me with a meme. I have to name eight (hopefully) interesting, random facts about me. I was dreaming when I wrote this, so please sue me if it goes astray....
1) When I was in seventh grade, I was in a group called The Glazed Chickens. Not a rock group. Not a comedy group. Just a group of dorks like me. There were seven of us, divided into ranks. The head guy was the Archgiglioid. My best friend Tom was the Vice Giglioid. I don't remember what my title was, which means it wasn't that good. The regular people outside the group were Sheep. People that we didn't like were either Sub-Sheep, Sub-She-Sheep, or Sub-She-Sheep-Execretement. At one point, our principal heard about us, and thought we were some kind of gang. She actually asked Tom about what we did, like we were running drugs or starting fights.
2) The gang thing was especially funny because the only thing The Glazed Chickens ever did, besides label people, was write The Joke Book. We had a green Mead notebook, emblazoned with our mascot, this goofy cartoon character called Derange-O the Clown, and we wrote every single joke the seven of us had ever heard. If they weren't directly lifted from books like Truly Tasteless Jokes, they were in that same vein. We categorized them by subject: Sex Jokes, Religious Jokes, Leper Jokes, and so on. We had a chapter on Helen Keller Jokes, and whenever Tom and I happen to mention The Joke Book, we always remember this joke:
What did Helen Keller say when someone gave her a cheese grater?
That's the most violent book I ever read.
I really wish I still had The Joke Book, but when the principal started investigating our gang activities, we destroyed it because we worried we would get suspended or expelled. Let's just say we weren't a very tough gang.
3) I once traveled from Iowa City to Virginia to see Rush in concert. It was the Rush 30th anniversary tour, and I wanted to go see them with Tom. We are both big Rush fans, so much so that no matter what song they would have played from the 17 albums they had released by that point, we probably would have known all of the words. Anyway, as we were enjoying the concert, I heard the first acoustic notes of "The Trees," one of their old classics and one of my favorites. As soon as I recognized it, I let out a very loud, "Fuck yeah!"
Tom, every bit as much of a Rush nerd as I am, turned to me and asked, "Did you just say, 'Fuck yeah'?" As if he was asking me if I had just wet myself.
"Yeah," I replied meekly. At least my pants were dry.
4) I have gone skinny dipping twice. The first time was in high school in San Diego. My friends and I were at a party at Mission Beach. One very drunk friend suggested that the group of us -- five guys -- go swimming. Naked. We had to be hammered because, despite being at an age where guys are very wary about appearing "gay," the suggestion didn't sound the least bit gay to us. Off we went, off came the clothes, and we jumped in the water and swam around for a bit. After about a half hour, we headed back to the party, our clothes sticking to us because we had not thought about drying off ahead of time. In the interim, the police had shown up and busted up the party, throwing some of the drunker kids into the backs of the squad cars. Our little naked excursion had probably saved us from getting busted.
The second time, TLB and I were at a wedding in Tampa with a bunch of her friends from college. We were all staying at a hotel right on the beach. One friend in particular, Todd, was always promoting some type of nude activity. The combination of booze, post-college nostalgia, and beach led to all of us taking him up on an offer to go skinny dipping. About a dozen of us stripped and piled into the water under the moonlight. Todd, however, thought TLB had kept on her swimsuit and called her on it. My quite naked wife bounced up above the water line and said, "Do these look like a swimsuit to you?" That's just one reason (or is it two?) that she's my soul mate.
5) I have alluded to this before, but never fully confessed it: I was a pretty serious Republican until the 1992 election. All through high school, I was a staunch Reagan supporter, and in fact got pretty annoyed with TLB when she would wear her "I survived the Reagan Administration" button on her jacket. I once got into an argument with a very liberal friend about how China's human rights record should not affect its Most Favored Nation trading status. I voted for Bush in 1988.
So what turned me around? A lot of things, such as studying the CIA in grad school and living in New York City. But honestly, it was when I realized that the Republican Party was the party of John Lithgow in Footloose, and I would much rather be Kevin Bacon, driving around while cranking Quiet Riot and trying to get it on with the preacher's daughter.
6) I have never seen The Godfather. I really don't know why, but it's my biggest popular culture gap.
7) I went through the Second City comedy writing program in Chicago. For a year, my classmates and I wrote sketches each week and brought them in, eventually using our best stuff to create a show that students in the acting/improv program performed. Pack for the Afterlife was the closing sketch and song for the show, and hearing people laugh at my stuff was one of the greatest feelings I've ever had.
8) Circle Jerk at the Square Dance was originally the title of a novel I was writing, about a group of people putting on a sketch comedy show. The structure allowed me to insert sketches into the story, such as The Osbournes Animal Planet. I eventually reached a point where I realized the novel was never going to work, got very depressed about ditching the novel, and wound up not writing for a while. The wise TLB suggested I start a blog, partly as an outlet for the comedy bits that filter through my head, but also to get me out of my creative funk. I struggled with what to call it, until she said, "You should call it Circle Jerk at the Square Dance."
You see, I married her for her mind as much as her moonlit bosoms.
I'm not going to tag anyone since so many have done this one. Back with a Top Ten on Tuesday, and hopefully a couple new sketches I thought of while I was on the road.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we celebrating our independence?
10) Exercising right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of bratwurst.
9) Giving People magazine the names, numbers, and photos of all the CIA agents we don't like.
8) Returning copy of How to Survive as the Sweetheart of the Cell Block to the G. Gordon Liddy.
7) Requiring all new American flags to be made by extinct American textile workers.
6) Balancing system of checks on our non-Executive Branch middle finger.
5) Showing the fierce, noble American spirit that resisted tyranny by blowing up a bunch of illegal shit in our backyards.
4) Offering American flag ball gag to all dungeon customers.
3) Forcing the President to watch Born on the Fourth of July until even he can see the parallels.
2) Watching fireworks show that explodes into a brilliant representation of an undisclosed CIA prison.
1) Smothering it with cheese.
9) Giving People magazine the names, numbers, and photos of all the CIA agents we don't like.
8) Returning copy of How to Survive as the Sweetheart of the Cell Block to the G. Gordon Liddy.
7) Requiring all new American flags to be made by extinct American textile workers.
6) Balancing system of checks on our non-Executive Branch middle finger.
5) Showing the fierce, noble American spirit that resisted tyranny by blowing up a bunch of illegal shit in our backyards.
4) Offering American flag ball gag to all dungeon customers.
3) Forcing the President to watch Born on the Fourth of July until even he can see the parallels.
2) Watching fireworks show that explodes into a brilliant representation of an undisclosed CIA prison.
1) Smothering it with cheese.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Homeless
Today, The Lovely Becky and I said goodbye to our house:
It was our first home. Owning a first home is a lot like having sex for the first time. You're excited but nervous at the same time, eager to join the club but not completely sure what to do. You say things like, "I don't know the first thing about laying pipe," "Are you sure it's okay to drill here?" and "If I put that in my mouth, will I get lead poisoning?" The more time you spend in that house, though, the more it feels like home, to the point where you feel totally comfortable walking around it with no pants on. But today, if I walk around that house pantless, the new owners will have me arrested. That makes me sad.
We now begin our trek towardThe North Pole the Upper Peninsula, which apparently is the hot place for Sasquatches. If you happen to read a story, "Michigan man dragged from home by Bigfoot; Guitar Hero controller all that remains," you can bet it's me. However, it's not time to turn the lights out just yet, as we're coming back home to the IC for most of July. So I'll save the Top Ten Tuesdays: What Will We Miss About Iowa list for another few weeks.
For now, I'll just keep doing what I've been doing all week, humming a bit of The Smithereens' "House We Used to Live In."
It was our first home. Owning a first home is a lot like having sex for the first time. You're excited but nervous at the same time, eager to join the club but not completely sure what to do. You say things like, "I don't know the first thing about laying pipe," "Are you sure it's okay to drill here?" and "If I put that in my mouth, will I get lead poisoning?" The more time you spend in that house, though, the more it feels like home, to the point where you feel totally comfortable walking around it with no pants on. But today, if I walk around that house pantless, the new owners will have me arrested. That makes me sad.
We now begin our trek toward
For now, I'll just keep doing what I've been doing all week, humming a bit of The Smithereens' "House We Used to Live In."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)