Sunday, April 09, 2006

Operation: Assrocket

Powerline is the worst conservative blog on the Internet.

I imagine there are many who would disagree with me. And the competition is certainly fierce with sites like the National Review’s Corner, Little Green Footballs, and Townhall serving up room-temperature IQ on a daily basis.

But Powerline is the one that still surprises me, the blog that, just when I think they have reached the Hubbert peak of stupidity production, they discover a fresh, untapped field of idiocy.

For example, leave it to the hip-to-be-fair (skinned) Powerline to add a little Commie peanut butter to the chocolate of illegal immigration hysteria:

Another round of pro-illegal immigration demonstrations is scheduled to take place tomorrow. One of the groups organizing tomorrow's demonstrations is a Communist organization called International A.N.S.W.E.R. A.N.S.W.E.R., which has championed every tyrant from Kim Il John to Fidel Castro to Saddam Hussein, has now taken up the cause of illegal immigration, and was the principal organizer of the massive demonstration in southern California a week or two ago.

That was from John Hindracker, the most powerful tool at Powerline. For those of you who don’t know, Hindracker used to go by the handle “Hindrocket,” with his co-cobag Scott Johnson using “Big Trunk” as his nickname. I can’t remember the nickname for Paul Mirengoff, the other tool in the trinity, but I think it was “The Gimp,” because it seems like he only posts when Hindrocket or Big Trunk unzip his mask.

Powerline packs a deadly mixture of Judge Smails snobbery, vintage William F. Buckley bigotry (like when he called Gore Vidal a queer or his National Review was railing against race mixing), and the delusional, masturbatory bluster of Bill O’Reilly.

While it was mighty white of Hindrocket to bring up the Commie menace driving the effort to treat illegal immigrants like human beings, he outdid himself when he went the extra mile to call for spying on your fellow Americans:

Unfortunately for A.N.S.W.E.R., the meeting was attended by a couple of bloggers from Vital Perspective, who taped the meeting and reported on it on their site. They shared their audiotape of the proceedings with us, and we have posted a short excerpt on Power Line Video. In this excerpt, you can hear Becker wonder whether there are undercover policemen present (he forgot about bloggers), pose a tough question to his audience, and speculate about how illegal immigrants could be the
"catalyst for a broader class struggle, even possibly a revolutionary struggle."

Tomorrow, pro-illegal immigration demonstrations are planned to take place in around 60 cities. You can find the schedule of events here. If the past is any guide, conventional news coverage of the demonstrations is likely to be unilluminating. We think this is an opportunity for a bit of citizen journalism. Anyone with a video camera (or most digital cameras) can attend one of the demonstrations and record what he sees. How many people are participating in the demonstration? What signs are they carrying? What flags? Who seems to be in charge? If people are arriving in buses, who runs the buses? Are professionally made signs being distributed? If so, by whom? How about flags? How visible are radical groups like A.N.S.W.E.R.?”

You see, it’s not enough for the Yellow Elephant Brigades and the elite Keyboard Kommandos to fight the conventional virtual war on liberals. They also require a secret Chickenhawk Intelligence Agency to conduct special cloak-and-blogger operations, with groups like A.N.S.W.E.R. serving as the new S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Armed with digital cameras and using Tom Clancy books for training, they are ready to conduct dangerous, covert infiltrations of America’s growing Red-and-Brown Menace.

I can just imagine the movie...

PowerTools presents
An Assrocket film


Inside an abandoned warehouse near a racially mixed waterfront, members of International A.N.S.W.E.R. hold a secret meeting.

The leader of International A.N.S.W.E.R., Che Aloe Vera, wears a beret and Rage Against the Machine t-shirt. He addresses the crowd. To his right stands Odd Piñata, a large Mexican man wearing a mariachi outfit and an enormous sombrero.

Thank you all for coming here tonight. As you all know, since 1990, Communism has retreated to the fringes of society and North Korea. Glasnost, Yeltsin, and the desire for designer jeans undermined much of our work. But no more...

The camera pans above to the shadows of the ceiling, where a pudgy figure, dressed in ninja black, lowers a zip line above the crowd. He fastens a video camera to his chest and wraps one meaty, gloved paw around the line. We see flecks of orange powder on the gloves before the figure begins to lower, upside-down, toward the floor, filming the proceedings from the rafters.

For while the eagle of capitalism has nested on its cozy, um, nest, the bear of socialism has been hibernating, waiting for a Red Spring. Well, the alarm clock of revolution is now going off, and illegal immigration is our chance to give America a wake-up call!

The shadowy figure pans the camera, showing an assortment of hippies, yippies, burnouts, washouts, social workers, coop owners, blacks, Hispanics, and a couple of guys in Daily Kos t-shirts. They all carry Soviet flags.

But immigration protests are just the tip of the iceberg. And once we take over the immigrant rights movement, we’ll infiltrate every other liberal movement, too: welfare, Rock the Vote, hybrid vehicles, and gay marriage. Every one will fall before our insidious hammer and sickle (laughs maniacally).

The crowd members raise their fists and cheer. As the shadowy figure tapes, a shiny, silver package slips out of his pocket. It falls away and hits the floor near Aloe Vera. It is a snack-size bag of Cheetos.

Odd Piñata looks up and sees the figure. He removes his sombrero, the brim of which is made of razor-sharp steel. He flings it at the figure and cuts the zip line. The spy falls to the ground, landing with a thud and a crunch as he crushes the Cheeto bag.

Aloe Vera steps forward and pulls off his hood, revealing the face of a fleshy white man with really bad hair.

Who are you?

Goldberg. Jonah Goldberg.

Odd Piñata picks up Jonah by the scruff of the neck, hoisting him off the ground in a chokehold.

GOLDBERG (gasping)
Do you expect me to talk?

No, Mr. Goldberg, I expect you to die!

GOLDBERG (breaking down)
Die?! N-n-nobody said anything about dying! I'm too young to die! And too important! And too good looking! (sobs)

At that moment, an enormous red-white-and-blue Hummer crashes through the warehouse wall, running over the room’s occupants. Michelle Malkin is behind the wheel.

MALKIN (yelling out the window as she runs over a Hispanic woman)
Jonah! Get a hold of yourself, doughboy, and stop being such a girly man!

She runs into Odd Piñata with the Hummer, causing him to release Goldberg. Piñata quickly recovers though and begins to wrestle Goldberg. The two men wrestle to the ground, while Aloe Vera flees the stage. Piñata gets on top and wraps his fingers around Goldberg's throat. Before Piñata can finish the job, Goldberg holds up his orange-speckled fingers and blows Cheeto dust in Piñata's eyes and knocks the temporarily incapacitated Piñata to the floor.

Holding him down with one hand on his throat, Goldberg reaches into his pocket and pulls out a can of CheezWhiz. He fills Pinata’s mouth with the entire can, choking him to death.

MALKIN (backing over an old hippie)
Jonah, hurry! We don’t have much time!

Goldberg leaps from the stage into the Hummer, landing upside down in the passenger seat and revealing a peek of his Star Wars Underoos. He rights himself as Malkin plows over the guys in the Daily Kos shirts. As she barrels toward the warehouse entrance, Aloe Vera tries to escape by getting on one of the buses outside the warehouse. He turns long enough to wave.

Adios, amigos!

He’s getting away!

Not on my watch.

Malkin yanks the wheel, jumps off a piece of board, and sends the Hummer flying through the air, until it lands on top of the bus, crushing Aloe Vera. As the Hummer bounces off, the bus explodes into a fireball. Malkin swerves to avoid hitting an oil drum marked “Missing WMD,” swerves again to avoid touching a series of crates marked “Extra copies of the homosexual agenda,” and instead runs over some fleeing Guatemalan schoolchildren.

Phew, that was close.

I’ll tell you what, there are two things we never should have given women: the Nineteenth Amendment and driver's licenses!

They look at each other and laugh as Michelle swerves to run over one last Hispanic.

Just don’t ask me to parallel park.


teh l4m3 said...

BRILLIANT!!!! Now where's the scene where Goldberg comes across a naked Debbie Schlussel, face down, covered head-to-toe in cheeto dust?

Brando said...

Teh, that's the sequel, The Man With the Golden Crumbs

Anonymous said...

Ha! Great post. Is it true that they called themselves Hindrocket and Big Trunk?