eHookup

FADE IN
CRAIG NEWMARK stands against a white background. Funky 70s music plays.

CRAIG
Hi, I’m Craig Newmark, founder of Craigslist. Are you looking for that special someone? The kind of person who’s into the same things you are? Who has precise, obsessive demands in a partner? Then turn to eHookup.com

CUT TO:
A SHORT WOMAN and TALL MAN

SHORT WOMAN
In a bar, it’s awkward to ask someone, “Excuse me, how girthy is your wang?” EHookup helped me avoid that embarrassment and still that extra special package.

She pats The Tall Man’s crotch as he smiles.

CUT TO:
A DOMINATRIX holding a whip and a kneeling SLAVE in a zippered leather mask. She taps her fingers on the dome of his head.

DOMINATRIX
Bootlickers are a dime a dozen. I needed a man who really wanted total humiliation, who wanted me to literally walk all over him and whip him into shape. Isn’t that right, honey?

She flicks her whip and the man lets out a muffled yelp and says something inaudible. The Dominatrix laughs and unzips his mask.

SLAVE
And the parishioners don’t suspect a thing! Thanks, eHookup.

CUT TO
Craig

CRAIG
At eHookup, there aren’t a lot of questions, fancy matching requirements, or identity disclosures. You tell us what you really need and we will match you with someone who has the goods. Big butts, big nuts, tops, bottoms, MILFs, Daddies, nannies and trannies...be yourself, or whomever you want to be.

CUT TO:
A MALE and FEMALE FURRY, dressed in chipmunk costumes.

MALE FURRY
Chipmunks are supposed to be adorable, right? But every time I got out the suit, women would fun screaming from the bedroom...

FEMALE FURRY (hugging him and talking baby talk)
How could they not find you ador-a-bull?!!!

CUT TO:
Two men in very conservative suits with their faces blurred.

SUITED MAN:
I was able to meet another smart, professional guy for no-strings hooking up without jeopardizing my job as a Republican staffer.

CUT TO:
Craig

CRAIG
EHookup serves people of all races, creeds, ages, political affiliations, and locations. And the more, the merrier!

CUT TO:
Three couples in their fifties, standing in their underwear

OLDER MAN
Margie and I went on eHookup, said we were looking for some Silver Swingers, and who shows up at our door five minutes later? Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice from down the street!

OLDER WOMAN
When the kids ask what we’re doing Wednesday nights, we tell them we’re playing ‘Go Fish.’ (winks) Thanks, eHookup.

CUT TO:
Craig

CRAIG
So if you’re looking for Mr. or Ms. Right Now, come to eHookup.com, and leave the bars, clubs, dungeons, glory holes, and university library bathrooms behind.

VO (rapid)
EHookup accepts no responsibility for violations of state laws, constitutional amendments, religious covenants, marriage vows, or for boiled pet rabbits. EHookup reminds you: don’t be a fool, wrap your tool.