Thursday, April 22, 2010

1-900-ABSTAIN

FEMALE VOICE OVER (sultry)
Are you a Christian guy looking for some young, attractive, girls who just want to talk? Do you want to have some good, clean fun right from the comfort of your own home? Then call 1-900-ABSTAIN.

A GUY calls GIRL on the phone. She’s in the kitchen.

GUY
Hi, what’s your name?

GIRL
I’m Betty. What’s yours, cutie?

GUY
Levi

GIRL #1
Oooh, I love guys with Biblical names.

FEMALE VO
1-800-ABSTAIN connects you with the hottest non-action anywhere, letting you talk to girls who will indulge all of your hottest non-sexual fantasies.

LEVI
So what are you doing?

BETTY (putting a pie in the oven)
Baking a pie.

LEVI (pulling at collar)
Oh, I love pie. What kind?

BETTY
Cherry, of course!

FEMALE VO
All of our girls are saving themselves for marriage and won’t give in no matter how hard you tempt them.

BETTY
Now it’s your turn, what’s your favorite Bible story?

LEVI (lowering voice)
Definitely David and Bethsheba.

BETTY
Levi, you’re so naughty. Someone might smite you for that.

LEVI
Oh, I need a smiting. I’m downright wicked.

FEMALE VO
And with 1-900-ABSTAIN, you’re not limited to just one girl. Bring another girl on the line to double your fun.

BETTY (slicing the pie)
Oh, my girlfriend Veronica just showed up.

VERONICA
Hi there.

LEVI
Hi.

BETTY
Veronica, would you like a slice of my cherry pie? It’s a little warm, though.

VERONICA
That’s okay, I love warm pie.

LEVI (wiping brow)
I like it warm, too…with whipped cream on top.

VERONICA
Ooh, good idea. Let me just shake this up…(sound of whip cream spraying).

BETTY (laughing)
Veronica! You’re spraying whipped cream all over my pie!

VERONICA (laughing)
Sorry, sometimes I can't control myself. (Taking a bite) Oh my gosh, this tastes so good. It’s so sweet and warm.

BETTY
You got some on your lips.

VERONICA (licks her lips)
Mmmm, did I lick it all off?

LEVI (falls out of his chair)
Oooohhhh.

BETTY
Are you okay, Levi?

LEVI
Yeah, I gotta go. Nice talking with you.

VERONICA
Take care of yourself , Levi.

LEVI
Don’t do anything we wouldn’t do.

BETTY
Or we’ll both have to smite you.

FEMALE VO
So what are you waiting for? Call 1-900-ABSTAIN for non-stop pure fun with Christian girls who don’t beat around the bush when it comes to abstinence.


$4.95 for the first minute, $1.95 for each additional minute. In case of arousal consult Genesis 38: 8-10. Not responsible for any unintended erections, blue balls, eternal damnation or divine retribution. This service brought to you by Citizens Hoping Youth Abstain from Rutting, Intercourse, Groping, Humping and Temptation.

7 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Hot Brando pr0n!

I assume that no one is common-tating because they're all too busy?

(Challenge to grammar-zombies, re: subject-object number, and such ass.)
~

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

you must be talking to some other zombie.

Fido, perhaps?

Brando said...

Too busy not laughing.

"Your stunned silence is very reassuring, Wazowski."

Churlita said...

"$4.95 for the first minute, $1.95 for each additional minute. In case of arousal consult Genesis 38: 8-10. Not responsible for any unintended erections, blue balls, eternal damnation or divine retribution. This service brought to you by Citizens Hoping Youth Abstain from Rutting, Intercourse, Groping, Humping and Temptation."

My favorite part of this whole post and that's saying something.

fish said...

If erections last for more than 4 hours, then good god, take matters into your own, um, hands.

Brando said...

I always thought they should change that line to, "If an erection lasts longer than four hours, enjoy, cowboy!"

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

you've got a talent for advertising, Brando.