Thursday, April 01, 2010

Palin: Quote about gutting every Democrat and eating their still-beating hearts taken out of context.

SKEETERVILLE – During a rally at Americas’s largest mudflap production facility, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin took aim at the media for what she says is a gross representation of her words.

“I’ll tell ya, I’m so sick of all this misquoting going on,” Ms. Palin said. “Every time I read a story about me, I just want to murder the fella who wrote it.”

Ms. Palin was referring to a recent Associated Press article that quoted her as saying that she wanted to, “Stick these socialist Democrats on meathooks, slice ‘em from neck to groin, and eat their still-beating hearts.” The quote touched off a firestorm of criticism from liberals, even causing MSNBC host Keith Olbermann to pass out from a case of the vapors.

“The problem is that these pansy-wansy liberals don’t know nothing about hunting,” Ms. Palin said. “And if they did, they’d know I was speaking hypometatorically.

“Maybe they’d be smarter if they were homeschooled,” she added, to thunderous cheers and air horns from the crowd.

Ms. Palin also addressed a video that surfaced that appears to show her waving a gun and firing a shot at a target in the shape of the Democratic donkey symbol, telling the crowd to do the same with their representatives.

“That’s not a gun,” Ms. Palin said, “I was just using my fingers to make a gun, like this.” Ms. Palin formed her right hand into a finger gun and made several pew pew pew noises, which she claims were the source of the “gunshot” noises.

The Palin controversy is the latest in a recent series of rapid-fire denunciations aimed at liberals by conservatives. House minority leader John Boehner (R-heh, heh) said that healthcare reform would trigger “Armageddon” and would kill everyone in the country because “that’s what healthcare reform does. That’s all it does!” Michele Bachman (R-Duh.) went one further, stating that Democrats were clearly “vampires” who needed to “have stakes driven in their hearts before they turn our country gay by sucking the heterosexual blood out of our children.” Ms. Bachman was unavailable to comment on this story, as a spokeswoman explained that the Congresswoman was recovering from an overdose of Twilight.

While Democrats say that this violent rhetoric is inciting violence, Republicans disagree. Senator John McCain (R-Matlock) took issue that his comment, “What we need to do is take these Democrats and stick them face first into a tank of ravenous piranhas until they agree to compromise,” was a call for violence. “Anyone with half a brain would know I was making a comment about the need for more bipartisanship in Washington. The senator was asked to elaborate, but had to depart for nap time.

Some Republicans also say they have been blatantly misquoted. A New York Times story earlier this week said Senator David Vitter (R-Xxx) wanted to “urinate on the Democratic Party,” but the senator claimed he actually said he wanted the Democratic Party to urinate on him.

“If Americans weren’t allowed to incite violence, there wouldn’t be an America”

While Republican officials have said that their comments have been misunderstood, conservative pundits have argued that their rhetoric is justifiable and in fact patriotic. Fox News host Glenn Beck said as much when he claimed, “If Americans weren’t allowed to incite violence, there wouldn’t be an America, which is precisely why the Democrats are against inciting violence.” Punctuating his point by writing “a-ha!!!” on his chalkboard, Mr. Beck continued, “That’s why it’s our patriotic duty to stomp the throat of progressivism with the jackboot of freedom.”

Radio host Rush Limbaugh said that the Democratic concerns were an attack on the foundation of America, freedom of speech. “If I can’t tell my listeners that it is there religious duty to protect Judeo-Christian family values by driving a truckload of explosives into every Democratic office, then the terrorists have won.”

Even Fox News can’t escape the criticism of distorting the news. Blogger and professional racial delusionist Michelle Malkin appeared the network to discuss how to fight the Democrats, and proposed a plan for rounding up Democrats and sticking them in internment camps.

“They edited out a key part, where I said that the camps would be heated by the burning bodies of illegal immigrants,” Ms. Malkin said. “That would make the camps self-powered, but I guess that was too ‘controversial’ for the producers.

“It just goes to show that the mainstream media will stop at nothing to paint conservatives in a bad light.”


Jennifer said...

I thought you did satire... when did you start reporting the facts?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Satire and dick jokes. Brando, you can't keep ahead of the wingnuts, so all you have left is dick jokes.

All the action is one post down.

Brando said...

Satire and dick jokes. Brando, you can't keep ahead of the wingnuts, so all you have left is dick jokes.


Substance McGravitas said...

Well I thought it was real swell to see some conservative news. Down with the MSM!

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Satire and dick jokes.

Brando has his guns in a stranglehold?

Churlita said...

"Blogger and professional racial delusionist Michelle Malkin"...Perfect.