10) Followed our #insidertrading hashtag.
9) Sparked an outbreak of Mad Bull Disease among investors in a high-density mutual fund that sustained itself on the ground-up broken dreams of other investors.
8) Left out a large pile of money that a very foolish investigator didn’t take with him.
7) Had to make an unexpected margin call on our fraudulent Volcano Eruption Fund.
6) Ratted out by intern who we used as a human footstool during secret investment meetings.
5) Used the salutation “Dear Suckers,” in investor correspondence.
4) Didn't think anyone would read the investment disclosure document, including Part 6, Section 9, Clause F: Rights of Fund Manager to Completely, Unconditionally Fuck You.
3) Got exposed by some cube jockey in accounting after we took his red stapler.
2) Thought that S.E.C. investigations only existed in fairy tales used to scare young brokers.
1) Raised suspicions by actually making money last year.