Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Top Ten Tuesdays: How did we get busted by the S.E.C.?

10) Followed our #insidertrading hashtag.

9) Sparked an outbreak of Mad Bull Disease among investors in a high-density mutual fund that sustained itself on the ground-up broken dreams of other investors.

8) Left out a large pile of money that a very foolish investigator didn’t take with him.

7) Had to make an unexpected margin call on our fraudulent Volcano Eruption Fund.

6) Ratted out by intern who we used as a human footstool during secret investment meetings.

5) Used the salutation “Dear Suckers,” in investor correspondence.

4) Didn't think anyone would read the investment disclosure document, including Part 6, Section 9, Clause F: Rights of Fund Manager to Completely, Unconditionally Fuck You.

3) Got exposed by some cube jockey in accounting after we took his red stapler.

2) Thought that S.E.C. investigations only existed in fairy tales used to scare young brokers.

1) Raised suspicions by actually making money last year.

7 comments:

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

ding[1] KICKS FUCKING ASS

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

0) Half-ASS-umed that rethugs² would be in charge of USA for the next thousand years, and therefore no problem.

² I do not excuse Obama, Barney Frank, Bill Clinton, etc. for their own roles in sucking up to the financial leech in order to gain corporate contributions and suck the blood out of regular citizens.
~

Substance McGravitas said...

Called off the wedding.

Mandos said...

-1) By failing to make sacrifice from among our number to Eyjafjallajokull.

fish said...

Sold CDO's (hand picked and bundled by someone who was betting billions on them failing) as quality, long-term investments to unknowing victims.

Oh wait, that really happened.

Snag said...

1/8) Posted YouTube video of us gnawing on carcass of our victims. I mean clients.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

1/8) Posted YouTube video of us gnawing on carcass of our victims. I mean clients.

I am interested in your approach to collections. Perhaps you have a Newsletter?