Romney Introduces Plan to Rub Out Teen Pregnancy

WASHINGTON - The problem of teen pregnancy has perplexed Americans of all political orientations. But the efforts of pro-contraception liberals bumping up against conservatives pushing abstinence has simply led to painful, inflamed impasse. Now Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney hopes he has a compromise position that will satisfy both sides: dry humping.

The act—formally labeled coitus clothus—involves two people simulating the act of intercourse while still wearing clothes. It is known by a number of slang terms, including “knocking boots with your boots still on,” “button-fly bumping,” and “Friday night at BYU.”

The last term comes from the practice’s enormous popularity among young Mormons. The Mormon church forbids unmarried men and women from engaging in sex outside of marriage, but this ruling grinds against the problem of chronic erections and the desire to make boys like you.

Governor Romney, a Mormon, acknowledged that his experience in Utah inspired this Solomonic compromise. “Ideally, men and women should refrain from sex until marriage,” said Romney. “But we don’t live in an ideal world, so the Mormon faith has allowed this practice to slide up and down a bit. And, since the man’s seed never actually touches the ground, it technically does not meet the Biblical criteria for onanism.”

Other Republican candidates have not been so enthusiastic. Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas—an Evangelical Christian—replied, “It takes more than two layers of clothing to keep the sin of premarital relations from seeping into our culture. It’s not just about preventing pregnancy. It’s about having a healthy attitude about sexual repression.”

Former New York mayor Rudi Giuliani also doubts the feasibility of the program. “Dry humping has a low longevity rate, as the longer a couple is together, the greater the chances of the moose getting loose.” Giuliani has promoted his own initiative to satisfy teen sexual urges and while preventing pregnancy, the “Just the Tip” program. “It’s very much like ‘Just Say No,’ but with a little bit of ‘Yes,’” he explained.

Some have also attacked Governor Romney’s dry humping initiative as sexist. “Clearly, this is a program that puts male sexual needs first,” said Dr. Cindi Shebop of the Hitachi Center for Stimulation Studies, a female sexuality think tank. “Studies have shown that the odds of dry humping producing a female orgasm are 173:1, compared to the 73:1 odds that actual intercourse will produce a female orgasm.

“God, this job is depressing,” she added.

Despite the criticism, Romney stands by his platform. “You have to ask yourself, what would you rather do? Treat unwanted babies, or treat stains in your khakis? I say praise the Lord and pass the Shout Wipes.”