Thursday, June 14, 2007

Romney Introduces Plan to Rub Out Teen Pregnancy

WASHINGTON - The problem of teen pregnancy has perplexed Americans of all political orientations. But the efforts of pro-contraception liberals bumping up against conservatives pushing abstinence has simply led to painful, inflamed impasse. Now Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney hopes he has a compromise position that will satisfy both sides: dry humping.

The act—formally labeled coitus clothus—involves two people simulating the act of intercourse while still wearing clothes. It is known by a number of slang terms, including “knocking boots with your boots still on,” “button-fly bumping,” and “Friday night at BYU.

The last term comes from the practice’s enormous popularity among young Mormons. The Mormon church forbids unmarried men and women from engaging in sex outside of marriage, but this ruling grinds against the problem of chronic erections and the desire to make boys like you.

Governor Romney, a Mormon, acknowledged that his experience in Utah inspired this Solomonic compromise. “Ideally, men and women should refrain from sex until marriage,” said Romney. “But we don’t live in an ideal world, so the Mormon faith has allowed this practice to slide up and down a bit. And, since the man’s seed never actually touches the ground, it technically does not meet the Biblical criteria for onanism.”

Other Republican candidates have not been so enthusiastic. Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas—an Evangelical Christian—replied, “It takes more than two layers of clothing to keep the sin of premarital relations from seeping into our culture. It’s not just about preventing pregnancy. It’s about having a healthy attitude about sexual repression.”

Former New York mayor Rudi Giuliani also doubts the feasibility of the program. “Dry humping has a low longevity rate, as the longer a couple is together, the greater the chances of the moose getting loose.” Giuliani has promoted his own initiative to satisfy teen sexual urges and while preventing pregnancy, the “Just the Tip” program. “It’s very much like ‘Just Say No,’ but with a little bit of ‘Yes,’” he explained.

Some have also attacked Governor Romney’s dry humping initiative as sexist. “Clearly, this is a program that puts male sexual needs first,” said Dr. Cindi Shebop of the Hitachi Center for Stimulation Studies, a female sexuality think tank. “Studies have shown that the odds of dry humping producing a female orgasm are 173:1, compared to the 73:1 odds that actual intercourse will produce a female orgasm.

“God, this job is depressing,” she added.

Despite the criticism, Romney stands by his platform. “You have to ask yourself, what would you rather do? Treat unwanted babies, or treat stains in your khakis? I say praise the Lord and pass the Shout Wipes.”

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

What a load of B.S.

fish said...

Well, that explains this.

Note the bonus "sock pack" for extra absorbency and/or "enhancement" container.

Brando said...

Hey fish, that link is not working.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

AG does love the Shout wipes.

This is one of the best posts I ever read. It was the Brownback comment that took it there.

pissed off patricia said...

LOL The link worked for me and so did this post. Thank you for making me laugh out loud. The part about it's like just say no with a little bit of yes, was what did it.

teh l4m3 said...

"Shout Wipes"? That's funny, I've never had a problem getting semen out of my clothes with just a regular cold-wash cycle.

The problem is getting it in.

Chuckles said...

That's the teh l4m3 I have missed in my life.

Also, I remember a college newspaper story about the infamous Dressed to Get Laid party at the Art House where two people were caught dry humping in the kitchen. I read that and thought, At a party where the band always play naked, the administration is worried about two people dryhumping?

Quell dommage or some such sardonia.

BOSSY said...

Mitt Romney is his own walking Birth Control.

Brando said...

Chuckles, you can always count on teh to outplay me in the Lowbrow Limbo!

Fish's link does work for me know, and I've already placed my order. I'll finally have an easier way to "store" cucumbers wrapped in tinfoil.

Patrricia and AG, glad to tickle the funny bones.

Bossy, that's funny because Romney seems to attract an excessive amount of man love from pundits. I think I actually heard one say "You could land an aircraft on his shoulders." I'm surprised he didn't describe him as "dreamy."

Snag said...

“God, this job is depressing,” she added.

Brilliant.

Anonymous said...

This whole post is fiction.

Adorable said...

Thank gawd anon told us that.

Now we can all go over to the 800 Romney kiddies Myspace pages and get another guffaw.

And teh -- how did we ever get by without you!?!!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Too damn funny.

Jennifer said...

"I think I actually heard one say "You could land an aircraft on his shoulders." I'm surprised he didn't describe him as "dreamy.""

Bwah!

Dreamy!?!? Dreamy?!?! WTF?? Sure, everyone has their dreamy threshold, I just hope I cling to the rational portions of my brain during times of election. Let's leave dreamy for times of erection.

And he's not dreamy, he's creeeepy. However, if he's sporting one of those enhancing, absorbent sock thingies, he may look like he's hung like an aircraft carrier.