Monday, June 25, 2007

Mind Over Matter

Inside the living room of a house. There are huge boxes all over the floor, a couch, a television, some lamps, a bookcase with books piled on the floor next to it, and other furnishings. ASHLEY sits on the couch talking on the phone.

ASHLEY
I don't care how good looking he is, Julie, you know I have to have some brains to go with the brawn. (Knocking at the door) Look, the movers are here, I have to go.

She hangs up and opens the door. MITCH MITCHELL and his twin brother MARTY enter. Mitch and Marty are twenty-something and stand about five feet tall.

ASHLEY
Oh, hi. Can I help you?

MITCH
Hi, ma'am, you must be Ashley. I'm Mitch Mitchell, this is my brother Marty. We're from Mind Over Matter Movers.

MARY
Really? I mean, of course you are. I've been, uh, expecting you.

MITCH
Mind if we start in this room?

ASHLEY
No, go right ahead.

MITCH
Okay. I'll get this TV. Marty, grab those lamps over there.

MARTY
(sarcastically, saluting his brother)
Yes, Herr General

Mitch turns to face the TV, which is bigger than he is. Marty pretends to be surveying the living room as he approaches Ashley.

MARTY
Hi there.

ASHLEY
Hi. Sorry for the double-take there, I just expected somebody...

MARTY
Older?

ASHLEY
No, a little more...traditional. In the mover sense.

MARTY
Well, can more traditional movers do this?

Marty stares at two lamps on the floor. Slowly, they begin to levitate off the ground. They rise into the air and rotate around each other. Marty makes juggling motions with his hands.

ASHLEY
Wow! That's amazing!

MARTY
(nonchalantly)
What, you've never seen someone juggle before?

Mitch turns and sees his brother playing around with the lamps.

MITCH
Oh, jeez, not again.

Mitch stares at his brother intently. Suddenly Marty's head snaps forward as if he's been hit from behind. The lamps plunge to the ground. Marty stops them only a few inches above the floor. Marty turns to his brother.

MARTY
Hey! What'd you do that for?

MITCH
How many times do I have to tell you about showing off on the job?

Marty sullenly sets the lamps back on the floor.

MITCH
I apologize for my brother. He has trouble staying focused sometimes.

ASHLEY
Don't apologize, I think it's cool. How did he do that?

MITCH
Actually, it's kind of a mystery.

MARTY
No it's not. We were abducted by aliens.

ASHLEY
Really?

MITCH
Marty! (to Ashley) That's not true, ma'am --

MARTY
Yeah it is. Mitch and I were driving late one night when we saw this bright light. Next thing you know, we're on this alien ship with these metal probes up our butts. When they brought us back, we could move stuff with our minds. I think they must have stuck these computer chips up there or something.

MITCH
(laughing nervously)
That's my brother, always telling stories. We don't really have an explanation. It's just something that happened to us.

MARTY
(whispering to Ashley)
It was the butt probes.

MITCH
Anyway, this is all irrelevant. We should get back to work, Marty.

Mitch turns back to the television set. He stares at it, slowly raising it off the TV stand. He lets out a little grunt, his face strained. Ashley watches in fascination. Mitch raises it for a second, then turns it so it can fit through the door. He grunts as he "carries" it out the door.

MARTY
(to Ashley)
I think the aliens forgot to take the pole out of Mitch's ass.

Ashley laughs as Marty departs for the family room. Ashley returns to packing. Marty calls out from the other room.

MARTY
Ashley, check it out.

Ashley turns to look. Marty enters, riding a surfboard hovering three feet off the ground. He makes motions like he's trying to ride an actual wave.

MARTY
(singing)
"Let's go surfin' now, everybody's learning how. . ." Come on, Ashley, sing with me.

ASHLEY
(laughing)
You're too much.

Mitch returns from outside and sees Marty on the board.

MITCH
Goddammit!

He stares at his brother. Marty receives a phantom blow to the chest, knocking him off the surfboard and onto the very hard, uncarpeted floor. Marty shakes his head, then stands up.

MARTY
Why'd you have to knock me down like that?

Marty levels his gaze at his brother. Mitch gets an invisible shove to his shoulder.

MITCH
Because you're worthless. Every time we move someone we go through this. You screw around while I work my brain off.

Mitch stares at his brother, shoving his shoulder with a telekinetic push.

MARTY
That's because I hate this stupid job. "Let's go into business for ourselves," you said. What a waste! We could be in the circus--

MITCH
Here we go, always with the circus. Maybe I don't want to make a living by having people stare at me like I'm some freak!

Mitch gives Marty an extra hard shove, causing him to take a few steps back.

MARTY
They don't stare at you because you're a freak. They stare at you because you're an asshole.

Marty levitates three large books in the air and launches them at his brother. Mitch dodges the first two, but the third nails him square in the nose.

Mitch stares at the surfboard. One end swiftly rises up, hitting Marty in the face. Ashley finally steps in.


ASHLEY
Both of you, stop it! Either you knock this off or I will get more traditional movers!

MITCH
(holding his nose)
I'm sorry, ma'am. Please forgive us. Come on, Marty, let's get back to work.

MARTY
(rubbing his forehead)
Okay, okay. Sorry, Ashley.

MITCH
Look, I'll take the kitchen. Why don't you finish out here?

Mitch exits. Marty goes up over to Ashley.

MARTY
Say, I know I didn't make a great first impression, but I was wondering . . . .

ASHLEY
(focusing on Marty intently)
Yes, you're just my type and I would love to. Pick me up Friday, 8:30.

Marty raises an eyebrow then smiles. In the background, a couch begins to levitate.

ASHLEY
And I don't do that on the first date.

The couch hits the floor with a thud.

4 comments:

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Tip #23: These kind of movers are why the insurance is necessary. Necessary.

'Nuff said.

Snag said...

I had movers like that once, except they didn't actually have telekinetic powers. They did shove each other a lot.

Dr. Zaius said...

I find the premise improbable. Ashley would never go out with a guy that had computer chip butt probes. The rest of the story seems likely, though.

Churlita said...

What is it with aliens and anal probes, anyway?