DES MOINES, Iowa - Faith. Jesus. God. More than any other issue, the candidates for the 2008 Republican presidential nomination have campaigned on their religious beliefs. But the object of their love and respect has some rather vengeful words for them.
“Enough with the faith BS already,” God said today. The Creator of All appeared as a large thunderhead in central Iowa and spoke through his press secretary, the Burning Bush (no relation to President George W. Bush).
“Every freaking question turns into a psalm about on how they love me so much and how they’re such good Christians,” God added. “That’s coming from career politicians who are diverting millions of dollars that could go to the poor just so one of these humps can be the most powerful man in the world. They expect me to buy that? Do I look like I was born just 6,000 years ago?
“How about using the brain I gave you?” God asked. “Tell me what you’re really going to do about curing the sick, about making peace, about defending the meek. I already know the answers, but I want to hear you say it.”
When reached at his campaign headquarters and asked for his reaction to God’s words, candidate Mitt Romney said, “I have nothing but respect for the Word of God, in all its forms. And that’s why I believe I am the man for the White House, because I treat every word from the lips of God like a....”
The thunderhead immediately appeared and struck Romney deaf, dumb, and blind with a bolt of lightning. “Wrong answer,” boomed a voice from the heavens. “Do I have to write it down on some golden plates for you? Tell me what you plan to do as President!”
Hearing of this divine command, Governor Mike Huckabee called a press conference to offer his interpretation of God’s anger: “I am unsure why God is so angry. But we cannot begin to understand God’s ways. We can only obey God’s way. And that is what I will do as the next President...” Huckabee could not finish the sentence, as he transformed into a pillar of salt.
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” God yelled. “What does a Supreme Being have to do to get you guys to provide some policy details? Okay, let me put this in a way that you’ll understand: Thou shalt give me a straight answer on the issues!”
From his office in Washington, Senator John McCain looked to the heavens before saying, “I support environmental legislation that will help curb global warming. I don’t think this should be a political issue, because we’re talking about the future of our planet.”
“Thank you,” said God, “See, how hard was that?”
McCain continued, “And that’s because, in every unpolluted stream and vibrant forest, I see the face of God...”
“Medamnit!” bellowed God across the skies. The earth immediately rumbled, split open, and swallowed McCain whole.
“That’s it, I’m out of here,” God said. “You jokers are on your own. Smell you later at the Rapture.”