In a rare move by America’s most prominent polling group, The Gallup Organization decided to verify the results of an earlier poll on evolution because the results were so hard to believe.
The original poll, which revealed an almost even split between Americans who believed in evolution and those who did not, also showed that 68 percent of Republicans did not believe in evolution.
“With every poll we do, there are always people who may hold unpopular or seemingly ridiculous views,” said Noah Wey, a senior statistical analyst. “For instance, 11 percent of Americans still supported President Richard Nixon, even after admitted he had broken the law and resigned. But when we saw that two-thirds of Republicans did not believe in evolution, we thought we had made an error.”
Skip Tickel, vice president for anomalous analysis, put it more bluntly. “I said, ‘Are you shitting me?’I know the GOP has a very strong religious base, sure, but it’s also made up of a lot of educated rich people. Captains of industry, government leaders, and so on. It’s one thing to start wars based on faulty assumptions or say you hate gay people for political advantages, but I could not believe so many Republicans felt this way about such a solid scientific principle. So I authorized a follow-up poll to verify the results.”
Mr. Tickel’s outburst actually inspired the follow-up question, which the pollsters felt needed to be strongly worded in order to confirm the results. They were confirmed in spades. Here was the question and results:
Considering all the proof supporting evolution, and the fact that there is no scientific evidence supporting the literal interpretation of the Biblical story of creation, were you shitting us when you said you didn’t believe in evolution?
Shitting you: 0%
Totally not shitting you: 100%
“We expected some demographic differences,” said Mr. Wey. “We broke it down by the major GOP groups: mouth-breathers, blowhards, greedy bastards, messianic zelaots, and knuckle-draggers. But they all agreed they were not shitting us.”
“I actually cried when I saw the results,” said Mr. Tickel. “Just wept for my country. I’ve never wished so hard for a poll to be wrong. But I want to believe and what the evidence says are two different things.”
Mr. Tickel added that he was “deathly afraid” of next month’s poll asking if the sun revolved around the earth.