Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Poll: 68% of Republicans “Totally Not Shitting” About Disbelieving Evolution

In a rare move by America’s most prominent polling group, The Gallup Organization decided to verify the results of an earlier poll on evolution because the results were so hard to believe.

The original poll, which revealed an almost even split between Americans who believed in evolution and those who did not, also showed that 68 percent of Republicans did not believe in evolution.

“With every poll we do, there are always people who may hold unpopular or seemingly ridiculous views,” said Noah Wey, a senior statistical analyst. “For instance, 11 percent of Americans still supported President Richard Nixon, even after admitted he had broken the law and resigned. But when we saw that two-thirds of Republicans did not believe in evolution, we thought we had made an error.”

Skip Tickel, vice president for anomalous analysis, put it more bluntly. “I said, ‘Are you shitting me?’I know the GOP has a very strong religious base, sure, but it’s also made up of a lot of educated rich people. Captains of industry, government leaders, and so on. It’s one thing to start wars based on faulty assumptions or say you hate gay people for political advantages, but I could not believe so many Republicans felt this way about such a solid scientific principle. So I authorized a follow-up poll to verify the results.”

Mr. Tickel’s outburst actually inspired the follow-up question, which the pollsters felt needed to be strongly worded in order to confirm the results. They were confirmed in spades. Here was the question and results:

Considering all the proof supporting evolution, and the fact that there is no scientific evidence supporting the literal interpretation of the Biblical story of creation, were you shitting us when you said you didn’t believe in evolution?
Shitting you: 0%
Totally not shitting you: 100%

“We expected some demographic differences,” said Mr. Wey. “We broke it down by the major GOP groups: mouth-breathers, blowhards, greedy bastards, messianic zelaots, and knuckle-draggers. But they all agreed they were not shitting us.”

“I actually cried when I saw the results,” said Mr. Tickel. “Just wept for my country. I’ve never wished so hard for a poll to be wrong. But I want to believe and what the evidence says are two different things.”

Mr. Tickel added that he was “deathly afraid” of next month’s poll asking if the sun revolved around the earth.

8 comments:

Chuckles said...

I wonder if these people are the same people who are "totally not shitting" all over the Capitol Building in DC.

Adorable said...

How on earth can someone deny evolution? And if they do, can they explain how Noah found all those microscopic aninmals in twos, since they don't believe in science.

Freakin' cobags!

America is in deep trouble.

Churlita said...

I guess I'm not surprised that the mouth-breathers don't believe in evolution - there aren't any signs of it in their own families.

MichaelBains said...

All our dear Mr. Tickel has to do is have Faith. Then he'll feel better about next month's poll when he learns that the Earth actually revolves around the Son.

Of Gawd.

AAAAAAmen!

{sighhhh}

Snag said...

Those statistics have a liberal bias.

Brando said...

Good point, Churlita.

The evolution thing drives me more crazy than any other issue.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Where's Friday random ten?!!

Sam said...

Phew, glad someone else is talking about this! I was scolded for making fun of the Creation Museum. =(
Love the post- made me giggle.