I don't want to work, I want to bang on the plastic drums all day

I am still in Big Important Project hell, trying to defeat the hydra blocking my way to Completion Nirvana, and I am armed with only a butter knife and a pack of damp matches. So, sadly, very little time and brain space for creative writing.

However, there has been much music, because it's nice to have a good 4/4 beat when you have to row the oars on Pharaoh's galley. The other day I did the monthly eMusic dance, trying to maximize the credits I have each month to keep up with what the kids are listening too. At the end of that dance, I always have a little left over for just a song or two, and I take those few remaining shekels and troll for old 80s songs I would love to own again.

I browsed around for a while before a random neuron said, "Let's see if they have this...."

Which they did.

One of the most underrated songs from one of the most underrated bands of the 80s. I played this cassette to death, especially in the car where I could crank it and yell out "BIRTH, SCHOOL, WORK, DEATH!" The guitars are just ferocious, and the whole album is a great bit of catchy six-string contempt, nihilism, and bile.

It occurred to me as I listened to this, for the first time in ages, that when I first heard this, I was still well in part two of this four-part saga, and I'm now about 40% of the way through part three. That's the bad part. The good part is I still want to shout those four words as much as I did when I was 17, and would also love to have this song available in plastic-drum mashing form.

Jerking will recommence next week. Have a good weekend.

Is Daddy funny?

A typical night at the home office of CJSD International, Ltd. My daughter is in the bathtub and we are discussing the subject of whether her mother and new Italian literary sensation The Lovely Becky is funny.

ME: Libby, is Mommy funny?

LIBBY: Yeah.

ME: Is Daddy funny?

LIBBY (pauses): No.

ME: What? Daddy's not funny?

From the other room comes a triumphant cackling as if one of the Graeae had just snatched Perseus' nutsack from him.

TLB: That's my girl!

ME (making a sad clown face): I don't think she understands what "funny" means.

TLB: You'd be less hurt if she'd called you fat.

ME: Damn right. (Moving into another room out of Libby's earshot). Fuck if I'm going to read her stories in all these different voices, trying to make her laugh. I might as well be a sack of shit reading Green Eggs and Ham.

TLB: Except a sack of shit reading Green Eggs and Ham would be funny.

ME: Goddamnit.

No time for love, Dr. Jones

It is all finding lost luggage and mandolin strings in the middle of Austin for me this week. No drugs, no sex, some rock and roll, but only as background noise as my office chair and I grow increasingly resentful of each other, like a WASPy couple who hate each other but let their hatred fester silently beneath a veneer of civility.

I don't say that for sympathy. My job usually doesn't require that kind of time commitment. We just happen to have a big project and a tight deadline, which sounds much hotter than it actually is. As such, my dick joke reservoir is running a little dry (please feel free to insert witty rejoinder in comments*)

However, this presents an opportunity to play a song that all most some one of you will love:



For the haters, you can fast-forward to around 2:25 for Tremendous Geddy Face. It's only a quick flash, but he looks like he surprised himself with his own awesomeness.

*that's what she said

@FridayRandom11

#1morerandomthan10

I was originally going to ditch this week’s post because I’m really busy with work. My company’s going through a big Web site redesign, and sadly we haven’t invented content management software that can take my half-assed verbal directions and create a pristine Web site. And here we thought by 2010 we’d have to worry about psychotic computers building the most kick-ass Arnold Schwarzenegger wax museum statues ever or taking over our missions to Jupiter.

A Non-Random Friday disappointed me, because I love both rocking on Fridays and writing about rocking on Fridays. After I was on our corporate Twitter account today, though, I thought, why not do today’s list in Tweet form? So here you go, comedy in 140 characters or less, or your money back!


1) “911 Is a Joke,” Public Enemy. One barometer for if racism is still a problem: does one race fear calling the police more than others? http://bit.me/whitey

2) “Returning to the Fold,” The Thermals. @lapsedcatholic: Being Catholic is like being Jewish. Even if you don’t practice, you still consider yourself a member.

3) “Hold My Life,” The Replacements. @EddieMoney1 can suck a fat one. This is the song that makes me wanna go back & be in my poster-covered room w/ headphones on #leftofthedial

4) “Working Class Hero,” John Lennon. Do we even have any working class heroes anymore? Do we even have a working class?

5) “Fleur De Lys,” Juliana Hatfield. Underrated, sweet, and crunchy, like kettle corn. #alternativeisheretostay

6) “We End Up Together,” The New Pornographers. Two straight disappointing albums. Can’t tell if it’s because the first 3 were just too awesome & these just pale, or if they aren’t good.

7) “Elsewhere,” Sarah McLachlan. Lilith Fair Indigo Grrls jokes aside, she can really sing and creates great atmosphere on her songs. So, like button for me. #sensitiveguys

8) “All Your Kayfabe Friends,” Los Campesinos! @millennials Pls. don’t get freaked out if you see me dancing at a Los Campesinos show. Swear I’m good old and not Dateline NBC creepy old.

9) “The Long and Winding Road,” The Beatles. @TheRealPhilS: Should we now refer to your production technique as the Prison Wall of Sound?

10) “Dirt Off Your Shoulder,” Jay-Z. Must be played at 3 am through a trunk sub the size of Rhode Island as you drive in a neighborhood full of sleeping kids #notbitteratall

11) “Autonomy,” Heartless Bastards. More yes, yes, yes for me than the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs. Have had a soft spot for female rockers since Leather Tuscadero. #Ms.MeDeadly

@allofyou: Have a good weekend!

Top Ten Wednesdays: How are we promoting democracy in the Middle East?

10) By supporting the right of Middle Eastern people to have a say in their own political futures and elect the governments that they want, rather than live under the yoke of dictatorship!

9) Unless that government is, you know, a little Muslimy.

8) Look, we were founded under the written principle of all men are created equal, but we have an unwritten part we also follow, that some men are more equal than others. (Okay, that part used to be written, too.)

7) The problem with giving power to the people is that you sometimes get people in power that you don’t like, and while we support freedom, there has to be some limits.

6) It’s not that we won’t recognize governments that are run by Muslims, we just prefer that they act a little more Christian.

5) Even better, why not have Egypt be led out of the desert of oppression to the milk and honey of democracy by a nice Jewish boy?

4) But if that can’t happen, it’s not a bad idea to have someone who’s been Western-educated hold freedom down until it’s ready to grow up.

3) Someone like a president who will step down but not leave office. Or a general. Or maybe a shah, which sounds so glamorous!

2) Because if we’re not careful, what’s happening in the Middle East could happen here, the way it did 235 years ago.

1) Finally, if there’s one thing we know about American foreign policy, it’s this: You can’t harvest freedom without spreading a lot of fertilizer first.

Friday Random 11

It’s one more random than 10!

We added another cat to our household yesterday. The Lovely Becky and Libby brought home Truman (so named after Mizzou’s mascot), a two-year old ball of mellow orange fluff. He joins our six-year-old ball of orange fluff, Jonesy, who seemed a bit lonely after losing his pals Bubba and Bugsy this past year.

Truman

Jonesy

As you can see, Truman and Jonesy could be brothers. In fact, I came upstairs yesterday and saw one of them sitting in Libby’s chair like a little prince. It took me a moment to tell it was Jonesy. “Your majesty, you look like the piss boy!” I told him. The problem with making pop culture jokes with cats is that they don’t deliver the rebuttal line.

I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I’m glad we have two cats in the house again. Yes, TLB, you have that in writing.

Tune time….

1) Lucky Ghost, “Made in America.” Social networking has been blamed for the unraveling of social ties as we ditch face-to-face interaction for tweets, comments, status updates, and likes. But this song is another testament to how social networking can connect you with people you otherwise would never know. It’s from a guy I’ve known as Slumberland, a fellow poster from a videogame message board we’ve both posted on for years. We’ve interacted in post form and also playing games online, but never met or talked outside of gaming. Without that social networking, I never would have known about Slumber’s album, Sex Griddle (how can I not love that title?), an album that has been in heavy rotation for the last few days. It’s a great bit of rocking new wave that pulls from the 80s without stealing from it. I hear The Killers and The Postal Service with even a few proggy keyboards thrown in for good measure (don’t worry, this is wank-free music). I highly recommend downloading it.

2) “Headache,” Liz Phair. Sadly, headaches are what Phair’s new music trigger. It’s a shame she went from Exile in Guyville to Avril in Blahville in just a couple of albums.

3) “The Trooper,” Iron Maiden. METAL! And nothing is quite so metal as a song based on “The Charge of the Light Brigade.” Bayonets, swords, cannon, bugles…Okay, so bugles are not really metal unless you hook them up to distortion pedals and a stack of Marshalls. This is my favorite Maiden song, mostly because the bass line really sounds like charging cavalry and Bruce Dickinson sings like he’s waving a flag to rally the troops. Related: I wish someone would make a simulation where you could experience what it's like to perform in front of 50,000 Brazilian rock fans. A helmet you could wear that allows you to yell, "SCREAM FOR ME, RIO!" and hear the fans yell back before they start a soccer chant in your honor.

4) “Title Track,” Death Cab for Cutie. And now for something completely different. Actually, after the sturm and drang of “The Trooper,” this sounds like a post battle letter written by Private Emo, who is portrayed by Elijah Wood in the Ken Burns documentary. My dearest Emma, I was filled with jubilation after surviving the great battle, until I received your letter that you have left me for that mandolin player. I dare say that I shan’t recover and will be in my room for the remainder of the war.

5) “Tall Trees,” Crowded House. We actually have two tall trees that we need to cut down this spring, a pair of pines that get needles all over everything. They are the plant equivalent of sand. No matter how much we vacuum, I have at least one case per week where I’m walking around the house and then, STAB! One of those fuckers ambushes me from the threads of the carpet like a piney Viet Cong.

6) “Poltergeist,” Les Savy Fav (song not on YouTube, so I'm using another from the same album). The clown is the part of the movie Poltergeist that always scares the shit out of everyone, myself included. Killer clown dolls are one of the scariest things among scary things that don’t really exist. The part of that movie that scares me even more, however, is the scene where JoBeth Williams is in the kitchen. She goes to the cabinet and then turns around a second later and all the kitchen chairs are stacked on each other. Gets me every time because it looks so real and seamless in the movie.

7) “Drown,” Son Volt. Just a stomping good time and a textbook case of the proper use of cowbell.

8) “Immigrant Song,” Led Zeppelin. True story: this has been banned from all classic rock stations in Arizona.* Also, this illustrates why I cannot ever be president. If was running for president and my birth records were questioned by a bunch of tinfoil wearing knuckledraggers who had eaten too much dirt and stared at the sun too long, after issuing the usual denials, I would order my campaign manager to make this my new campaign song, just to fuck with those idiots.

9) “I Will Follow (Live),” U2. I don’t have a bucket list, mostly because creating such a list would have me obsessing how much time I have left to accomplish everything on that list. I have a difficult enough time with tasks popping up in my Outlook, let alone something like “See the Sphinx” that I have to snooze for 20 years. However, one definite bucket list item is seeing a concert in Red Rocks. Also, if I had a time-traveling DeLorean, I would consider setting it to go back so I could see U2 play Red Rocks in 1983. My parents’ future happiness and my existence could wait until after we finished singing “40.”

10) “Rock of Ages,” Def Leppard. Def Zeppelin in the Random 11 two weeks in a row, which is like getting forks in one’s ears two weeks in a row for my lovely wife. We don’t really see eye-to-eye on the hard rock, mostly because she grew up in a place where every day was like a Beavis and Butt-Head marathon, only without any punchlines, jokes, or hope of a change in programming. But me? I want rock and roll, especially thumping, Mutt-Lang-produced British hard rock that opens with pig German and also has another textbook case of awesome cowbell.

11) “This Charming Man,” The Smiths. I agree with a lot of others that this is their best song. It reminds me of watching old movies where actors and actresses would conceal the subtext of the animal lust and longing beneath wit and banter. Watch North By Northwest and see how Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint would love nothing better than to forget the whole conspiracy and tear each other’s clothes off. Yet they show so much restraint and put all that passion into a kiss. Given the title, tagline, and level of discourse this blog usually revels in, it may come (heh-heh) as a shock that I like subtlety, but I really am impressed by the old-fashioned movie flirting. Morrissey pulls that off brilliantly here, in a gay context no less.

Hidden bonus track: “Find Your Way Back,” Jefferson Starship. I don’t know why I like this fucking song so much, because I realize it’s a thick slab of classic corporate rock idiocy. Yet every time it plays, I have to crank it, especially the throbbing part that leads to the guitar solo. It’s times like these that I question my qualifications to write about music. Sad sidenote: Pretty soon no one will know what a hidden bonus track is.

Have a great weekend. I abstained from writing about the Super Bowl because the thought of another Packer title gives me anal leprosy. Should the Cheese Monkeys pull it off, however, I hope the zombie parties til his limbs fall off and slowly crawl back toward his torso.

*Not actually true although not surprising if it were true.

Top Ten Tuesdays: What new snowstorm-related nicknames are we coining?

10) Snowgasm
9) Frigidiculous
8) Disiceter
7) Snowbulation
6) Freezapallooza
5) Hirosnowma
4) Frostnarok
3) Snowitnam
2) The That’s Not a Barometer in Jim Cantore’s Snowpants Storm
1) Snowkkake

Friday Random 11

It’s one more random than 10!

I went to the Packers-Bears game last week. Despite the loss, the day itself was great. We started at a bar, took a “party bus” to the game (a schoolbus with a keg in the back), ate chocolate whip cream straight out of a can, drank from both our officially purchased drinks at the stadium and the unofficial whiskey and schnapps we brought in, bitched and froze during the terrible first half, screamed and warmed up during the exciting second half, and after the loss made our way back to the bar on a bus that, while still containing a keg, had lost the “party” part.

That’s a sucky part about being a sports fan—no matter how well your team does, it’s the final thing that happens in the season that sticks with you. The Bears had a good year, much better than I or any other fans I know expected. I should celebrate that and look back fondly on what was generally a fun season. Instead, I feel like I did after the Super Bowl a few years ago, very disappointed to have my favorite team get so close and yet pull up lame.

I also know that being this passionate about beefy millionaires colliding into each other with tremendous force is a silly passion to have. But I can’t help myself. I’ve been a Bears fan since around the time I was seven and wearing my Walter Payton footie pajamas. I have a huge amount of history with this team, and no matter how much they disappoint or how ridiculous pro sports are or how much Jay Cutler sulks, I can’t quit them. After all, I don’t know what my brother Tickle and I would talk about.

1) “Message in a Bottle (Live),” The Police. “So Lonely” is my personal Police favorite, but I think “Message in a Bottle” is their greatest song. They took their reggae and rock influences and fused them into something that sounds very unique. I also like the reverse approach to slow-fast/quiet-loud, where the verses rock out and the chorus slows down to a reggae pace.

2) “Killer Parties,” The Hold Steady. As you get older, your quotient of killer parties definitely declines. That’s probably for the best, as us geezers have to save our dwindling brain cells instead of washing them down into our livers in a drunken frenzy. Still, there’s something about going to a truly killer party, where you just don’t have any cares in the world and let yourself completely give in to having a good time. I don’t do that nearly enough, and maybe that’s why I like Vegas so much. Or taking a party bus to a Bears game.

3) “Chiquitita,” ABBA. I was about to make a snarky ABBA comment, then remembered I watched all of Hall and Oates Behind The Music: Remastered the other night. In other words, I don’t have a mustache to stand on.

4) “Hello Goodbye,” The Beatles. It is amazing to me that, 40 years after they broke up, The Beatles are still one of the most creative groups in rock history. They’re not my favorite, but I can’t think of any other band that managed to be so innovative and yet still so damn catchy.

5) “Let It Go,” Def Leppard. Of course, after that fine bit of Beatles haute cuisine, I am even more delighted to wolf down this hair-band cheeseburger. It’s stupid (not clever), it’s sexist (not sexy), and yet whenever any of their songs from High ‘N’Dry or Pyromania come on, I immediately reach for the volume knob (heh-heh, I said knob).

6) “Mrs. Rita,” Gin Blossoms. One of the four or five songs off of New Miserable Experience that I never get tired of hearing. It’s got just the right balance between Beatles chime and 90s crunch. I also like that it doesn’t really sound dated.

7) “Allentown,” Billy Joel. Speaking of sounding dated. However, I am glad this came up, because 30 Rock had an amazing Billy Joel gag last night. A lot of times when I watch comedy shows I love, I fantasize about being a writer for them. I don’t do that with 30 Rock because I don’t believe I’m funny enough to write for that show. There are almost always at least two moments where I have to pause the show because I am laughing so hard.

8) “Hit Me With Your Best Shot,” Pat Benatar. My love affair with fake instrument playing is a long one. I used to air guitar this song using a toy spear as my guitar—a fake Indian or Zulu spear that I got from Disney World or some other theme park back when you could sell violent, quasi-racist toys to children. For some reason, I felt less stupid pretending that toy spear was a guitar instead of just playing an invisible one. This is why children are not allowed to vote. Also, there is just a ridiculously long amount of cheering before this video starts.

9) “High and Dry,” Radiohead. Quite a different take on the title than Def Leppard’s. I think it would be awesome for Radiohead to put out an entire album of cock rock covers, all done Radiohead style. Imagine them doing serious covers of Whitesnake’s “Slide It In” or Warrant’s “Cherry Pie.” The entire staff at Pitchfork would spontaneously combust. That alone would make it worth it.

10) “Mrs. Robinson,” The Lemonheads. One of my Facebook friends put “I miss The Lemonheads” as his Facebook status this week, so apparently iTunes is now trolling Facebook, too. Soon we will have no secrets because the machines will know all! Unrelated: Evan Dando is so dreamy.

11) “Misty Mountain Hop,” Led Zeppelin. Awesome and well known, so no need to expound on that. However, I would like to mention that I think America has reached a dangerous James Franco saturation level, or Peak Franco. He acts, he directs, he writes, he paints, he rescues puppies, he grows perfect irony mustaches, he’s working on a Ph.D. an astroneuralbiosurgerology, a doctoral program he created from scratch for which he serves as its only grad student, his advisor, and the program chair…we fucking get it. You are better than us. You’re smarter, you’re handsomer, you’re nearly a match for Spiderman whereas we would still be hanging from a flagpole in a Spidey net. Now please go away so I can return to my normal levels of inadequacy.

Here’s hoping you have a good, Franco-less weekend.

Top Ten Tuesdays: What will we hear in tonight's State of the Union?

10) To make universal health coverage more palatable to Republicans, all those without health coverage must first undergo leeching and faith healing before being able to see a doctor.

9) American holdings in hope and change will be sold and invested in the more profitable blood and oil funds.

8) The White House will promote more Judeo-Christian values by requiring all sex in the Lincoln Bedroom to be missionary-position only.

7) A request to make political discourse more civil and non-confrontational by changing calls to kill our political opponents into requests for our political opponents to commit suicide.

6) In order to reduce the future demand on social security, all Americans will be required to consume a plate of fried cheese every day.

5) Plans to improve educational performance by allowing students to take “Xbox” as a foreign language.

4) A challenge to the energy, auto, and music industries to make a car that runs on alternative rock energy.

3) That in order to convince the American people that Democrats are the right choice for America, they must act more like Republicans.

2) A counterpoint by John Boehner outlining how Republicans will reduce government spending to 1908 levels.

1) A pledge to reduce our deficit without cutting spending or raising taxes by continuing our search for a magical unicorn that shits bricks of gold.

Top Ten Wednesdays: How are we improving relations with China?

10) Conducting joint culinary exercises under the commands of General Tso and Colonel Sanders.

9) Stimulating job creation and trade by allowing a 20% increase in lead content in Chinese-made toys/toothpaste/baby food as long as China uses U.S.-made lead.

8) Allowing Yao Ming to defend the low post with an AK-47.

7) Working off our debt to China by doing their laundry.

6) Collaborating on a secret project to put North Korea in a giant sack and drown it in the Pacific.

5) Strengthening cultural ties by finally greenlighting, “Fortune Cookie: The Movie”

4) Easing tensions by forbidding U.S. news outlets from using the words pollution, human rights violations, environmental disaster, imprisoned Nobel Prize recipient, or mass recall due to high levels of toxicity when reporting on China.

3) Letting them acquire California on a rent-to-own plan.

2) Requiring all unwed U.S. mothers to receive government assistance only if they agree to go on a date with a lonely Chinese man.

1) Getting drunk together and prank calling Japan at 4 a.m.

R.I.P. Bugsy

For the second time in six months, The Lovely Becky and I have had to put a cat down. This time it was Bugsy, aka Stinky, who contracted pancreatic cancer. He was 14, fairly old in kitty years, but still, we hoped we would have had him for at least a couple more.

Bugsy was a dumpster rescue from Brooklyn, and he always had a bit of a New Yorker's attitude. He took no shit from any cat, and while he would occasionally start trouble, most of the time he just wanted to go about his business without being bothered. He got his Christian name because he was a champion bug chaser in his youth. I gave him his nickname of Stinky because he was also a world-class cat-box-bomb dropper.

When TLB first brought him home, he drove me crazy, both because he was a frequent toe-nibbler and also because he loved to bother our older cat, Bubba. Once Bugsy matured, though, he became an incredibly friendly, unassuming cat, content to sleep and warm laps and never really cause problems.

His unassuming nature made it easy to forget he was around, and yet his absence now is very apparent. He was a good cat and our lives were better because we had him. R.I.P., Stinky.

Friday Random 11

It’s one more random than 10!

It’s nice to actually post a Top Ten Tuesday and a Friday Random 11 on their designated days for the first time in forever. It’s also very nice to have this be the debut Random 11 for my new computer speakers. My old ones pooped out after nearly eight years of loud, booming service, and my spoiled, bratty ears couldn’t deign to stoop down to sticking with the crappy Dell speakers I had temporarily turned to.

I wish I was above material things bringing me happiness, but I’m really not. I was giddy about having an excuse for shopping for new speakers. Giddy. It’s not like I even bought anything super fancy, some hand-made computer speakers crafted by Italian monks who take a vow of silence so that they can better hear ever decibel of awesomeness from their tweeters. Still, I did my Internet research, actually bought the same Klipsch speakers that had died, did more Internet research, had immediate buyer’s remorse, returned said speakers the next day, ordered different ones off Amazon, bounded up the stairs to fetch them when they were delivered, and forced my poor wife to sit in my chair while I gushed about how great they sounded. Yes, I am a crazy person.

Music time...

1) “Nitro (Youth Energy),” The Offspring. I love when I start this off and get exactly the kind of song I need. It’s a blah day outside, and for whatever reason the longest Fridays are always the ones before a three-day weekend. So a bit of fast-paced 90s punk revival is a welcome jolt of 3-minute energy.

2) “Super Inuit,” Holy Fuck. I’m not a big dance/electronica guy, but I like Holy Fuck because they bring a rock show ethos to their music: real instruments to go with the electronic/sampling gadgets, with a lot of jamming to go with the grooving. I also love the “Who’s on First” potential with their band name:

--Holy fuck, who is this?
--Holy Fuck
--I know, I love it. But who is it?
--Holy Fuck
--What the fuck? You trying to keep it a secret or something? Don’t want other people to like your precious little indie band, because if other people like them then you won’t be able to? All I want to know is who they are so I can get their album.
--Holy Fuck!
--Fine...asshole.

3) “Don’t Let It Bring You Down (Live),” Neil Young. I laugh when Neil sings “lorries” in place of “trucks.” Hey, we speak American in this country, you dirty Canadian communist. This is from the Live at Massey Hall 1971 album, which is an incredible live album—stripped down, just Young and his guitar or piano. It reminds me that he’s one of the rare artists who sounds as good stripped down as he does amped up. He can sing a quiet, folky song and then turn around and jam out 10-minutes of fuzzy, Crazy-Horse fueled, feedback-drenched rock.

4) “Hallelujah (Live),” Jeff Buckley. The Lovely Becky and I take turns putting Libby to bed each night. This involves getting Libby to brush her teeth, picking out a couple of books to read, and then singing her a couple of songs. I have a three-song block I go to: “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,” “Rock a Bye Baby,” and “Libby in the Sky With Diamonds,” my own customized cover of The Beatles classic. I pick these because I sing slightly worse than Ringo and these three songs are not terribly challenging. TLB, on the other hand, has a lovely singing voice, and one of her regular songs is “Hallelujah.” As amazing as it is when I hear Buckley sing it, it really gets me when I hear my wife singing it to our daughter. It’s also funny whenever Libby hears the song outside of the bedtime context, because she gets excited and starts saying, “Mommy sing this to Libby!”

5) “Dog Years,” Rush. This is in my top 5 for worst Rush songs ever, mostly because the lyrics are just dreadful. Just stanza after stanza of cringe-inducing plays on dog-related words, with the point of how life is precious or some shit because dogs live less or something. Let me tell you, if I could stay home and lick myself and just piss wherever I felt like it when I was outside, every day would be a festival.

6) “You’re All I Have,” Snow Patrol. I hate the term Adult Album Alternative. It’s one of those radio programming subgenres where they play stuff that rocks a little because you’re still young enough to rock, but not too much, because you don’t want too much rocking when you’ve got the kids in the Dodge Caravan. Snow Patrol is like the opening band for AAA. At this point, I would normally make some further joke about how this is soft rock for the post-Weezer set, except that I like this. That triggers a process of being mad at myself, because truth be told, I feel like I’m too cool for AAA, except that I’m really not, and I get annoyed at being a music snobby cobag in the first place. It’s because of stupid internal arguments like this that I wish I could occasionally take my brain out and let it cool on a window ledge for a couple of hours.

7) “Boris the Spider,” The Who. John Entwistle was a weird, weird guy. This song always leaves me a bit unsettled because it’s got the strange chorus and the “creepy-crawly” bit, which instinctively makes my skin itch like I have a spider on me.

8) “Hummer,” Smashing Pumpkins. I was sitting at a light next to an H2 the other day, and TLB said, “That guy’s going to love filling that up when gas is five dollars a gallon.” So true. There’s also a former Hummer dealership I pass whenever I go to Iowa City. It used to have rows and rows of Hummers lined up. Now the lot is a lot more sparse, and they took down the huge HUMMER sign on the side of the showroom building, except you can still clearly see the outlines of the letters. Even though I’m happy to see the Hummer go, it’s still kind of depressing to see the failed remnants of our hubris on display.

9) “Great Salt Lake,” Band of Horses. I have no idea what this song is really about, but that doesn’t get in the way of me enjoying it. It makes me think of all the times I’ve flown out west and how much I love looking out the window when I reach the Rockies. I like to look out at the desert and see the big stretches where there’s nothing, except for maybe a lonely ranch or a tiny, tiny town. I think about how breathtaking it must be to wake up and see the red-browns of the canyons and hills. Then I think about how much it would suck to be trapped in that area when a bunch of giant worms come to eat you. Pop culture has really ruined my mind.

10) “Pump It Up,” Elvis Costello & the Attractions. My Rock Band drums died this week. I went to play them and they wouldn’t turn on, which is the electronic equivalent of dying peacefully in your sleep. I’m actually surprised it took three years considering the amount of ham-fisted, out-of-time abuse they took while I attempted to play along with songs like this. I was far more bummed out about their passing than a grown man should be, but damn if those drums and I didn’t have some fun on our pretend tours. Oh, if that green pad could talk....

11) “Remedy,” The Black Crowes. A great album despite the annoying title. The Southern Harmony and Musical Companion is one of those overly complicated for no reason titles, like putting on a pair of dress pants when you’re just going to 7-11 to get some milk. I remember buying it despite the title because I really liked their first album. Glad I did, because it’s been a staple for me for nearly 20 years. I love how everything is arranged meticulously, yet they still get the energy of playing in a roadhouse to a room full of drunks. Great sound + drunk energy=awesome in my rock book. Also great because I don’t think my nose could handle the smell of seeing The Black Crowes live.

Have a great weekend, and go Bears!

Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we reacting to the Arizona shooting?

Special extra defensive edition!

15) Why are you blaming conservatives? We didn’t have anything to do with this!

14) Oh, sorry, you actually weren’t blaming conservatives. There’s a lot of that going around.

13) Because, and we want to make this abundantly clear, when we put a crosshairs on someone, we don’t mean they should actually be killed. We mean that they should be eliminated.

12) From office! And not eliminated, no one is saying eliminated. You know, let’s just scrub that from the record. Besides, those weren’t crosshairs. Those were surveyor’s marks, like you’d use when mapping the political landscape or deciding if a bridge should be taken out with an airstrike.

11) Fuck, sorry, we can’t help ourselves with the military analogies. That’s all they are, analogies. You know, Republicans:Godliness::Guns:Freedom.

10) Likewise, when we show up at rallies against the government with guns at our sides, we don’t actually intend to use those guns. They’re an accessory, like necklaces or a watch. Well, not a watch, you can use that, especially when you need to see if it’s time to kick some ass!

9) Sorry, got off track again. We’re not actually kicking anyone’s ass for real. Except during an election. Then it’s open season.

8) Not for hunting! Conservatives don’t hunt humans, except for Dick Cheney.

7) Why are you bringing up Cheney again? He’s not even in office anymore!

6) The other thing is, you liberals have to stop taking things so literally. We don’t actually intend to water the tree of liberty with actual blood. We're talking about peaceful change, and we can't understand why you're confused about our intentions.

5) This is just a case of a mentally unstable person acting on his own. If only he had gotten the help he needed, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.

4) Of course, I’m not suggesting that we have some kind of government program for the mentally ill. That’s socialism. I’m sure there will be a free market solution when someone finds a way to make money off of poor crazy people.

3) What’s that? How did he get a gun if he was mentally unstable? Show me the part of the constitution that says crazy people can’t own firearms. Look, you can’t hold up the gun-buying process for the vast majority of the non-crazy gun-buying public just because a few whackos were able to purchase firearms. That’s plain nuts.

2) Simply put, we can’t let the actions of one madman deter us from showing up public gatherings bearing arms, talking about bloody revolution, and targeting politicians for removal. We’re only doing that because we’re trying to restore this country to its Christian roots, and if we don’t do that, then the Islamofascists will win.

1) The bottom line is this: When it comes to this shooting, conservatives are definitely not responsible.

Friday Favorite 11: The Favortist of 2010

Includes free bonus Circumindecision EP:
Five songs that didn’t make the cut but are still attached to the head of the list!

2010 was a very schizophrenic year for me. There were great highs (getting out of the Upper Peninsula, moving into a new house) and great lows (trying to sell our old house, the death of my grandma) and a lot of things in between (living with my in-laws for six months, living rent-free for six months). As I write this from the comfy space of my new home, things ended very well. But it wasn’t easy getting here.

My favorite tunes reflected that a lot this year. For one thing, the frustration and anger I felt this year resulted in me listening to a lot of heavy metal—most of it old, but some of it new. When I feel like shit, I need music that picks me up, and metal has done that for me since I was 10 years old. (Oh, to have a 10-year-old’s problems again).

At the same time, a lot of great stuff happened this year. We moved back to Chicago, which I now realize is exactly where I wanted to end up. We bought a great house, one where I can see The Lovely Becky, Libby, and I growing up and growing old together. After 40 years of changing addresses approximately once every 1.6 years, I could see myself actually dying in this house. That excites me, because it means I’ll never have to pack anything again (although someone will have to shove me into a box). Once those things started to fall into place, I started to feel awesome, and nothing helps keep me feeling awesome like devil horns, headbanging, guitar solos, and studded leather pants.

In fact, that’s why most of what made my Favoritist list is upbeat, because I either needed the boost or wanted to hang onto that feeling. These songs made it to the top because they were the ones that got me through a trying year while also helping me celebrate the end of it.

As usual, I couldn’t cut this down to just 11 songs, so I present the five-song bonus...

Circumindecision EP

“Ghosts of Midwinter Fires,” Agalloch. I love epic music. A beautifully punchy three-minute song is great. But when I am asked to list my favorite songs from bands that might have really long songs, the really long songs inevitably push their way to the top—“Achilles Last Stand” by Zeppelin, “The Camera Eye” by Rush, “Won’t Get Fooled Again,” by The Who, “Coma” by Guns N’ Roses.

In light of that and that 2010 was a very metal year for me, it’s not surprising that I loved this song the first time I heard it. In fact, it really captures the year—a fairly calm beginning, a raging and thrashing middle, and a triumphant conclusion that settles into a quiet, satisfying coda. At 10 minutes, it also captures the feeling of a year that felt 36 months long. With the growling vocals in the middle section , it’s not for everyone, but it sure as hell was perfect for me.

“Bang Pop,” Free Energy. My main evaluation for a great summer song is: does it sound even better blaring out of car speakers while driving with the windows down? This bouncy bit of 70s guitar pop not only answers in the affirmative, it actually made me wish the sunroof in my car still worked. It has the catchy gait of taking a summer stroll, complete with a snare drum that almost sounds like bubble-gum popping.

“Appetites,” Les Savy Fav. I find it funny whenever anyone suggests putting the Ten Commandments on display, as if they are a guidepost for America, when we live in a country that was built on violating those Ten Commandments. Stealing, working on Sundays, telling our parents to fuck off, murdering those pesky natives...and especially coveting. This whole country relies on coveting, and nothing screws our economy over faster than living frugally. Coveting seems to have reached a fever pitch, too. We covet riches, sex, food, scandal. It explains our ever-increasing need to imitate celebrities and then tear them down, to buy more than we can afford and eat more than we can burn off. Believe me, I include myself in the collective “we,” as demonstrated the pile of drool I leave whenever I look at home theater speakers the size of the 2001 monolith and picture them in my living room. Anyway, this searing opening track from Root for Ruin captures that coveting, with a furious beat and serrated guitar attack serving as musical cavalry for lyrics like we’ve no shame and we’ve no pride and we’ve got nothing left to hide, ‘cause we’ve got nothing left inside, culminating in the shouted chorus, We’ve still got our appetite! It does what great punk songs should do: make a point while also making you want to slam.

“Don’t Look Back,” Kylesa. I love drums, so a metal band that has two drummers is bound to get at least to second base with me. I also love the Internet, because the Internet makes it very easy to find metal bands with two drummers and, to tell the truth, I’m a big fan of second base. Throw in a heavy sound and a simple yet powerful chorus of Keep moving/Don’t look back, and I’m waving Kylesa home.

“Better Things,” Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings. I got tagged with a Facebook meme to list 15 of my favorite albums. My 15 choices in many ways resembled the first four songs I listed today: heavy, rocking, male, and white. Very, very white. In fact, the guy who tagged me made fun of the blinding Caucasianess of my list. I have recognized this before, and I actually have broadened my musical horizons a fair amount in the last few years. Still, when push comes to shove and I have to *heart* my favorite songs, the white cream of Cracker Rock still tends to rise to the top.

However, I used this moment of social networking chagrin to send out another musical expedition to genres I usually overlook. I’m glad that happened, because I otherwise would have missed this soulful, passionate bit of 60s style R&B. Sharon Jones’ voice is simply fantastic, and the Dap Kings groove perfectly behind her. This brilliant kiss-off track stuck with me, to where I found myself singing I’ve got better things to dooo than remember you randomly in the car.

Okay, the final 11, sort of....

11) “The Smidge,” The Hold Steady. I have been trying to write a novel for fifteen years. I daydreamed of literary stardom, of writing a bestseller and quitting the 9-to-5 grind, of being a big, huge, honking success, someone who would even have his one Sans Brando cover font.

I didn’t finish a single novel. I once made it 100 pages through one, but most died much, much earlier.

A funny thing happened a couple years ago. I was staring down my 38th birthday, and I realized I had the very real possibility of hitting 40 without every actually finishing a novel. Me, a guy who talked a big writing game all the time. I felt like a fraud, and I realized how ridiculous all those covers and interviews and movie deals I daydreamed about were when I’d never even reached “The End.” I decided to buckle down, get serious, and get focused. I concentrated on writing the best book I could write, on just getting finished.

I finally hit “The End” for the first time in April.

Now I’m in the middle of revisions, and that hope has grown to just getting an agent and just getting published. I joked with TLB that I’d be happy if I made enough money to put a bathroom in our basement.

The reason “The Smidge” made this list is because it perfectly captured that sentiment. Amid the sloozy (sleazy+boozy) guitar riff and cowbell (yes, cowbell) of this song, Craig Finn sings, We used to want it all, now we just want a little bit. Hot damn if that didn’t hit me on the head. It also illustrates why I love The Hold Steady unabashedly. They take everything I love about the classic rock of my youth—the riffs, the first pumps, the exuberance—and rewrite it for me at 40.

10) “Tell ‘Em,” Sleigh Bells. Another tailor-made summer song and the sweetest bit of ear candy I heard all year. This song had me the first time that staccato drum beat and amped-up guitar came out of my speakers. It’s completely pre-fabricated and posed and assembled—a work of calculation and perspiration more than inspiration—and over the whole course of the Treats album, that super-sweet approach gave me a bit of an earache. As a small bit of dessert, however, this was the tastiest, most ass-kicking three musical minutes of the year.

9) “Snakes for the Divine,” High on Fire. It impossible for me to listen to this while driving and not speed up, which is a sign of quality in my book. Despite its eight-and-a-half-minute length, this is a lean, mean bit of metal. Because the vocals are semi-decipherable, they sound gruff and tough without moving into the clearly-annunciated screeching silliness of something like “The Number of the Beast” or the grumbly absurdity of death metal vocals. Most of all, it makes me want to run through a brick wall, and I’m going to need that energy in 2011 when I get my out-of-shape ass back to the gym.

8) “Birthday Boy,” Drive-By Truckers. I’m not a strip club guy, but being a guy, I have been to a few strip clubs in my life. This song instantly made me feel guilty for every dollar bill I’d ever slipped to an exotic dancer. It does what the Drive-By Truckers do so well, tell tales of working class desperation set to catchy Southern rock, and it adds vivid layers of sleaze, desperation, depression, and even a smidge of hope and happiness. Definitely the message that stuck with me the most this year.

7) “Favourite Colour,” Tokyo Police Club. The first time I heard this album, I thought that these guys sounded very influenced by The Strokes. Then I thought, that’s ridiculous, The Strokes are such a new group, they haven’t been around long enough to influence anyone. This led to another realization that The Strokes have been around for a decade, which made me suddenly feel very old and near death. Despite that highly morose thought process, I got swept up by the youthful vigor of this song and really their whole Champ album. It’s just a fun, fun song that makes me feel like I’m getting ready to go out for a Friday night. I like that feeling.

6) “Straight in at 101,” Los Campesinos! The line We need more post-coital and less post-rock was my favorite lyric of the year because it’s precisely the kind of punning that makes me feel clever and funny (both certainly imagined, but both very real feelings, and that’s really all that matters). It’s also very much like “Favorite Colour,” a song about 20-something romance that’s both narcissistic and self-effacing. Even though I’ve been in a relationship with my wife longer than some of Los Campesinos! have been alive, I find songs of youthful romance keep me feeling young and, more importantly, keep me feeling young toward my wife. That alone makes it a worthy addition to the list.

5) “My Gap Feels Weird,” Superchunk. Three-chord fun camp. Superchunk did what I think Dinosaur Jr did a couple years ago, come out of semi-retirement and put out an album that’s just as good and maybe even a bit better than their classic albums. It’s like they got together and, rather than making some ill-advised stab at musical maturity or an equally ill-advised aping of their past songs, they just decided to be the most Superchunk they could be. It’s the sound of a band that knows its strengths and its limitations and is perfectly happy to stay within those parameters. Aging punks have rarely sounded so vigorous and appropriate. Hands-down, the most cranked song I played this year.

4) “Daisy,” Fang Island. A band that takes its name from an Onion article, which triggered a similar how-is-that-possible-OMG-I’ll-be-dead-by-their-third album moment similar to Tokyo Police Club, until I told my brain to shut the fuck up so I could hear the music. Despite their youth, these kids have managed to combine the geezer rock of heavy metal, punk, prog, and indie rock into a fun and very original sound. I haven’t heard anything else quite like this. The verses bounce along with pop-punk energy, the guitars (all three of them) solo with 80s-lead-guitar abandon, all while an organ that wouldn’t sound out of place on Yes’ Fragile adds a lot of color. To top it off, they don’t sing so much as chant. I can’t wait to hear what they put out next.

3) “A More Perfect Union,” Titus Andronicus. Garage band, concept album, and The Civil War couldn’t be three more disparate concepts, but Titus Andronicus put all of them on The Monitor, the most creative and ambitious album I heard this year. This opening track starts in the 1860s before transforming into what sounds a bit like Springsteen’s “Born to Run,” until the singer screams out, Baby, we were born to die! It’s a challenging song to like, sprawling and noisy much like the Garden State itself, and initially I didn’t get into it. But at one point, that mood perfectly matched what I was doing in my novel, to the point where I started every writing session with at least this song if not the whole album. I’m glad I stuck with it because it’s really stuck with me.

2) “Ready to Start,” Arcade Fire. What Arcade Fire do best is make arena rock for the indie set. They come up with anthems that have the passion and heart of U2 in their prime, but without the overly earnest baggage that comes with Bono. They also write loud, driving songs that can reach the furthest row at the largest festival, but without the heavy-handed musical approach that plagues arena rock. They do all of this on this superb second song on The Suburbs, maybe the best song Arcade Fire has ever written. I found the rest of the album to be disappointing by comparison, but I've played "Ready to Start" enough this year to more than make up for it.

1) “Bloodbuzz Ohio,” The National. Part of the reason this rose to the top of the list was the lyric, I still owe money to the money to the money I owe fit perfectly with my whole year. For the first time in a while, my mind was very much on my money and my money on my mind. That tends to happen when all the equity you worked so hard for disappears in the blink of an eye and you move somewhere twice as expensive while making the same money. The main reason, though, is despite the lament about debt, this song is rich, in its propulsive rhythm, its emotive vocal, its evocative imagery about being carried to Ohio in a swarm of bees. At one point this year, I listened to all of High Violet on the headphones, not while doing anything else, just laying on my bed, because I wanted to take in all of those elements. Music makes me want to do a lot of things, but as I get older and more busy and, frankly, more jaded, it takes something petty special to get me to stop everything and just listen. Whenever I hear this song, that's exactly what I want to do.

Have a great weekend, and here's to a great 2011!

Top Ten Wednesdays: What New Year’s resolutions have we already broken?

10) Double-checking that we’re dreaming before leaving the house while naked.

9) Putting in a solid four hours of working during our eight-hour workday.

8) Cuttingdowntotwocupsofcoffeeadayinsteadoftwopots.

7) Not categorizing drunken tweets and Facebook updates as social drinking.

6) Going on a diet that doesn’t involve heroin.

5) Actually working out instead of delegating treadmill time to our assistant.

4) Not swearing like a motherfucker.

3) Excusing ourselves from a long phone meeting instead of hitting mute and peeing in the trashcan.

2) Getting that thing on our thingie checked out instead of just hoping it will go away and stop burning.

1) Being more highbrow with our dick jokes.

Top Ten Thursdays: How are we livening up the holidays?

10) Drinking 12 vials of 5-Hour Energy and doing all of our Christmas shopping in 15 intense minutes.

9) Telling mother the truth about the “friend” we brought home from college.

8) Making naked snow angels.

7) Spiking the punch at the office party with peyote, then dressing up like a coyote and ordering our boss to give us a raise.

6) Sending out Christmas cards with photographic evidence showing why husband became ex-husband.

5) Letting Elmo tickle us.

4) Watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer while playing Dark Side of the Moon.

3) Tying an iPad to a fishing line and pulling it through crowded mall.

2) Setting concealed bear traps by the tree to catch Santa.

1) Whipping out the mistletoe cockring.

Friday Random 11

It's one more random than 10!

After more than five months, I am finally home. I am in my own house, in the area where I want to live, with only The Lovely Becky and Libby under the same roof with me (and our furry, butt-licking children, Stinky and Jonesy).

My mood improved almost as soon as we moved in. Despite all the chaos of boxes and detritus and the constant playing of where-the-hell-is-that-thing-I-need-right-goddamned-now, I felt settled for the first time since we moved in July. Actually, for the first time since March, when TLB found out she got her new job and we started making preparations to leave da UP.

I feel like a bit of an ass making a big deal out it. After all, despite living with my in-laws, it’s not like I was living a life of hardship. They have a spacious, beautiful house, and they were extremely generous and accommodating. And yet the change in my mood made me realize that I had been rather depressed living there. I think it was because I felt rootless. No matter how nice the surroundings are, it’s very difficult to feel at home in someone else’s home. Compound that with me working at home, having to set up my office in our bedroom, and living in a place where it was hard to get out during the day because everything was rather far away, and I felt a bit trapped, too.

But now it’s all good. We love our house, we love where we live, and it’s very likely that this is where we’ll stay for a long, long time. There’s even a nice retirement castle up the street, so when I get old and forgetful or old and ornery or old and incontinent, Libby can stick me in there.
Now it’s music time, and with my desktop PC back, I have access to all my music again. Let’s demonstrate the musical capabilities of this fully operational Battle Star!

1) “Block Rockin’ Beats,” The Chemical Brothers. Speaking of my Battle Star, yesterday I got my desktop set up again. I hooked up my pretty heavy-duty Klipsch computer speakers and subwoofer, which I had kept in storage so I wouldn’t annoy my in-laws with Geddy Lee bass lines for the last few months. I planned to christen the new home office (conveniently located in the basement) with a foundation-shaking playing of AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell.” Unfortunately, just after getting iTunes updated and ready to go, my speakers died before I could reach the first Angus Young power chord. Ain’t that a b? It’s especially too bad because this Chemical Brothers classic would sound much more awesome if it wasn’t coming out of my little Dell Yugo speakers.

2) “Nowehere Again,” Secret Machines. I really think the best moment of the past week was the first night I slept in my own bed again. It’s not just the familiarity of my own space, it’s also that TLB is a master sleep-designer. She has always been a bit of an insomniac, so she has tried to fight that by making our bed insanely comfortable. I climbed in, pulled the flannel sheets and flannel comforter cover up, and lay back into what felt like a hug on a cold December night. Heaven.

3) “Flash,” Queen. No other group could have pulled this off. It’s ostensibly a terrible song for an even more terrible movie, but Queen make it work by embracing its pomposity and ridiculousness. That takes talent.

4) “Planet Earth,” Duran Duran. A very meh first single from them. It’s like they had all the parts but someone had forgetting the screws to put it all together.

5) “So It Goes,” Nick Lowe. The sound of pure, unfiltered happiness despite its dark lyrics. Mentally, I wind up skipping every time I hear this song.

6) “Breaking the Chain,” Peter Case. Not to be confused with >the Dokken song of a similar name, which is unfortunately available on YouTube while Mr. Case's excellent song is not. However, the Dokken vid yielded this awesome comment, "I never realized Kajagoogoo were this heavy." Here's Peter Case from the same album, Torn Again.

Unrelated note from last night: While we love the new area, it of course has its drawbacks. Number one is that many parts of it are quite affluent, and with that affluence comes rubbing elbows with some folks who feel privileged, nay entitled, to act like rich assholes. Case in point: We took Libby out to eat last night, and afterward, while Becky was getting Libby in her car seat, a guy in an SUV backed in to the spot next to us, on the side where the door was open and Becky was securing our child. He literally was inches from the open door and TLB, and then had to wait about 30 seconds to open his door until TLB was done. He did this when the next row was practically devoid of cars.

“Can you believe that guy?” TLB said when she got into the car.

“Well,” I said. “Keep in mind that we do live in the Illinois habitat of the North American Puff-Chested Douche. And when the North American Puff-Chested Douche sees a parking spot, it has to take it as soon as possible.”

7) “Never Enough Neck, Pt. 2,” The Fucking Champs. METAL! During my brief, failed attempt to start running again this past summer, I had made a playlist of Fucking Champs songs—80’s style instrumental metal that has all the good riffage without annoying things like Sebastian Bach singing. I had worked out this kind of action/Indiana-Jones movie set to the music, which gave me something to focus on instead of how I thought my heart was going to burst out of chest like a tiny alien hatchling in Alien. That’s literally the only way I can stand running, to distract myself away from the fact that I’m actually running.

8) “Positive Bleeding,” Urge Overkill. I have late-80s/early-90s stuff like this labeled “alternative rock” in iTunes, which makes it sound as dated as Crystal Pepsi. Random tangent: TLB and I were watching Total Recall, the Paul Verhoeven sleazy classic that successfully predicted the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger. At one point der Governor goes to the red light district of Mars, which you know is the red light district because it has adult movie theaters. Except that the very concept of adult movie theaters is so 20th century. They can make a mask that doubles as a bomb, but the Mars of the future still required you to go out for porn? That dated the movie more for me than the monocrome computer monitors they showed or Sharon Stone’s perm.

9) “Thieves Like Us,” New Order. This, however, shows how you can be of a time but still timeless. It’s funny for me to listen to this now, too, because this was the soundtrack for TLB and I when we lived in the north Chicago suburbs and were a couple of crazy high school kids never realizing we’d grow old and pick out flannel sheets together. We certainly didn’t expect that we’d be living here together.

That’s the biggest change in this move for me. Nearly all of my life, I’ve moved places with the anticipation of moving again. Even the six years we spent in Iowa City—the longest I ever lived someplace without moving over a state border—we figured wouldn’t be permanent (and we also moved in town from an apartment to a condo). The UP sure as hell wasn’t permanent, and even if TLB hadn’t gotten a job, I think we would have packed up and moved in the next couple of years.

Now, as we set up the house, we realize that we are likely going to be in this house for a long time, maybe even permanently. TLB and I were talking about what kind of light fixture to put in the dining room, with my lovely wife unable to make a decision. “Put whatever you want in there,” I told her. “Hell, put fish wallpaper on the walls if you want. It’s our house and we ain’t leaving.” I always wondered if I would ever be able to shake that moving anticipation, that Navy-brat wanderlust that lasted long after I was no longer a military dependent. I suspect that it won’t be a problem now.

10) “Ghosts of the Midwinter Fires,” Agalloch. As the name might imply, this is some FUCKING METAL!, even more so than The Fucking Champs. This track, though, is incredibly beautiful for the first three minutes, before the band kicks it up a notch and the Cookie Monster grabs the mic. I still dig it after that point, but your mileage may vary.

11) “Antenna,” The Church. Another TLB-Brando dating classic, and quite the underrated 80s album. Much like Nick Lowe makes me mentally skip, just about any song off Starfish makes me feel like the sun is shining on me. A good way to end today’s list, especially on a sunny but cold day.

Have a great weekend.

Moving day tomorrow

I've been swamped with work and travel and now tomorrow the movers are bringing our stuff down from Big Beaver Storage. We still won't be in the house for good until this weekend, but knowing my TVs will be in the same county as I am will be very satisfying. I'll be sure to post pictures of my new man-sized safe.

Top Ten Tuesdays: What changes are we making to TSA search policies?

10) To put travelers more at ease, all body scanning stations will play Barry White songs.

9) TSA agents will be required to use hand warmers for a minimum of 15 seconds before commencing groping.

8) Platinum-level frequent fliers will gain free access to the Champagne Screening Room.

7) All children under the age of 10 will be fully searched as 98% of all airline terror is caused by children under 10.

6) Passengers who decline pat-downs will be given option to fly while restrained in strait jackets.

5) For flights deemed high security risks, all passengers will be fed free roofies during boarding and receive a free glass of water to the face upon landing.

4) TSA agents will ask a series of questions designed to get to know you before reaching down your pants.

3) All travelers lacking health insurance will be eligible for free colonoscopy during body cavity search.

2) Agents will no longer be able to use the phrases, “Get a load of these,” “Whoah, mama, daddy like!” or “How you doin’?” during searches. Also, there will be a five-second time limit on giggling.

1) Before invasive searches begin, passengers will be asked if they voted for George W. Bush. Those answering in the affirmative will be fitted with a ball gag since this is what they asked for.

Friday Pandora 11

It's one more Pandora than 10!

This week I’m turning control of the tunes over to 3B Radio, the official Pandora station of Three Bulls (America’s most trusted name in half-assed blogging™). The idea was to make a station that would be full of love and hate, tunes you can’t live without, tunes you’re ashamed to admit liking, and tunes that you would start a jihad against. Here’s what I entered in my five categories.

1) A song you love but you KNOW is definitely not for everyone: “Heat of the Moment,” Asia
When The Lovely Becky and I went to see The 40-Year-Old Virgin, we were the only people in the movie theater to laugh at the two Asia jokes. Made me feel as old as the time I talked to someone who didn’t know who Kip Winger was.

2) A song you are embarrassed about loving so you will roll up the car window when it comes on: “That’s What You Get,” Paramore
This is Rock Band-sponsored shame. I’m covering my face with my hands right now.

3) A song that you have a hate relationship with, meaning a song you are familiar with and CANNOT stand: “Personal Jesus,” Depeche Mode
The worst song from a band I cannot stand.

4) A song that do NOT like from a band you DO like: “The Crunge,” Led Zeppelin
The only way this song makes sense is if Zeppelin intended it as a joke. “Let’s fart out a terrible song on an otherwise classic album and see what happens.”

5) A song that you love so much you would nutpunch someone for denigrating it: “You Make My Dreams” Hall & Oates
I cannot have a bad day when I hear this.

6) A song that you know is completely overplayed but you still love and can listen to over and over again anyway: “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen
You know how some people love The Rocky Horror Picture Show and want to sing all the songs a zillion times? Well, I hate that movie more than The Goonies. But “Bohemian Rhapsody” is my Rocky Horror. I never get tired of hearing or singing it.

After a couple dozen entries like that, here’s what Pandora cranked out for me today:

1) “Untouchable,” Taylor Swift. Here’s the difference between young love and old love: economy. When you’re young and in love, you can take a few minutes to say the same thing over and over and over again, because it’s just you and the person you’re interested in. Old love doesn’t have time for that. There’s kids to feed and jobs to work and shit to do. Old love wonders why you just didn’t stop at the first chorus because, really, you said everything you needed to say. That’s much more efficient, and even better, it’s more appreciated, because old love knows about the kids and work and shit and is grateful that you stopped what you were doing to say I love you.

2) “Stop and Stare,” OneRepublic. I am stopping and staring at the lack of a space in the band name. Why? It triggers the MS Word spell check and sticks a little red line beneath the name. Although that’s the most creative thing about this lukewarm cup of coffeehouse pop.

3) “All-American Girl,” Carrie Underwood. I would completely gloss over this except that it’s about a) having a kid and b) about a father who wants a son but has a daughter and he becomes enraptured with her. I wish part A was as easy as Ms. Underwood makes it out to be, but in our case it was more like “Experiments in the Phantasmal Realm of Procreation (Infertility Opus Pts. I-XXII)” by Dream Theater. As for B, when you go through a Dream Theater song like that, you’re just happy that you wind up with anything that can hug you and doesn’t have leathery bat wings.

4) “Party in the U.S.A.,” Miley Cyrus. I would have made Hannah Montana about an all-American girl who has a secret life in a death metal band called Succubus. I’m also pretty sure this song would give lab rats cancer.

5) “Sweet Child o’ Mine,” Guns N’ Roses. Now we’re cooking with heroin! Even if I don’t physically do the Axl shimmy, I mentally do it every time I hear this song. I also can’t tell if Pandora is making a subtle joke about Hannah Montana, thereby showing AI self-awareness. If it starts singing “Daisy” or asking if I’d like to play Global Thermonuclear War, I’m pulling the plug.

6) “You Really Got Me,” Van Halen. Daddy’s little girl has apparently grown up, created a time machine, and started hanging out at the Whiskey-a-Go-Go.

7) “Paranoid,” Black Sabbath. I have to admit, it’s the pure schizophrenia of 3B Radio that is making me a fan. Much like the Axl shimmy, this one always makes me mentally do the Ozzy head shake, that awkward little headbang motion he would do when he was waiting for Tommy Iommi to finish his solo. Of course, now Ozzy can’t stop doing that shake.

8) “Don’t Need Nothing But a Good Time,” Poison. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. So awful, and yet I’ve always been kind of drawn to its awfulness like a mosquito to a bug light.

9) “Tennessee Flat Top Box,” Johnny Cash. Here’s a good litmus test for whether a song has any redemptive value: would it not suck if Johnny Cash sang it? You could probably hand him, “Don’t Need Nothing But a Good Time,” and he could turn it into a cautionary tale about a life full of shallow sexual encounters, substance abuse, and rootless existence. But even he couldn’t save “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.”

10) “I Won’t Give Up My Train,” Merle Haggard. This requires a dog to drink with. Sadly, I only have two cats.

11) “Workin’ on a Groovy Thing,” The 5th Dimension. Not my cup of Joe (needs more drum solo), but groovy enough to end today’s list.

So there you go. Surprisingly not completely awful. Have a good weekend.

Top Ten Wednesdays: What are we proposing to reduce the deficit?

10) Cutting all earmarks except those for lean meats and vegetables.

9) Charging a one-dollar fee every time a politician says “the American people.”

8) Reducing the budget burden of Social Security, Medicare, and federal education programs by making elderly who are too sick to work a “key ingredient” in the school lunch program.

7) Slashing regulatory overhead by making businesses swear that they won’t do anything illegal.

6) Eliminating unemployment benefits by handing brooms to the jobless so they can sweep themselves under the rug.

5) Putting the Department of Education up for sale on Craigslist.

4) Telling America to have a Coke and a tax bill.

3) Lowering taxes for the wealthy, waving a magic wand, and saying “presto!”

2) Getting a bloated, tearful Washington to admit to Jillian Michaels that it only spends excessively because it feels unloved and unwanted.

1) Cutting our ballooning military budget by eliminating unnecessary weapons systems and pulling out of draining foreign conflicts with no end in sight. Just kidding, we’ll probably just eliminate all federal financial aid for college.

The Chicago Bears in "Throwmance"

I don't think I've been quite on my game this season with the Bears blogging. Part of it is being pressed for time, part of it focusing a lot of my creative energies on rewriting my book. But I'm pretty happy with framing the Bears new pass-happy offense as a high school romance gone awry:

Throwmance

Since TLB asked the question, "Rikki" is running back Ricky Williams, for whom Mike Ditka traded all of his draft picks.

Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we going to reshape the American government?

10) Polishing our dark spots to a pearly-white sheen.

9) Making sure that Washington will no longer pick on the poor, powerless, under-represented wealthy.

8) Increasing the self-reliance of the elderly by removing Social Security.

7) Using our social mandate to eliminate social man dates.

6) Combining funding for the arts with funding for health coverage.

5) Switching from pork-barrel policies to bent-over-a-barrel policies.

4) Making sure everything old is Newt again.

3) Putting a church addition on our state houses.

2) Outsourcing the regulation of business to businesses.

1) Replacing its bleeding heart with a metal fist.

No Random 11 today

Which is too bad, because I was going to do an All Angry Music Guide edition. But Libby has pink eye and a fever, which means doctor visits and babying and trying to get work done in between.

The other thing I've been keeping in mind, amid the talk of historic and sweeping and mandate and a Roman helmet for America (look it up) is that, regardless of the shift in power, the 'Baggers grabbed hold of the House. It's been expected since last year, it fits a historic trend, and in the end, while they will rant and rage and do all the stuff they've done since the last election, they won't get squat done. They don't have the votes and, more importantly, many of the conservative Democrats who were part of the problem were replaced with people who were out-of-the closet conservatives. I don't think they're going to get many crossover votes. Furthermore, it's real easy to say you're going to cut spending and another to actually do it. There's no way the GOP can slash spending and keep giving the rich their tax breaks without making painful, politically unpopular cuts.

At the same time, the Democrats deserved this. It reminds me of a South Park episode, where Cartman fakes being handicapped so he can enter the Special Olympics and presumably win it easily. Only he finds out that he's so fat and out of shape, kids with disabilities are far better athletes than he is. I certainly don't want the Rand Pauls of the world in power, but at the same time if one's message is so weak that it can't beat the likes of Rand Paul, well, maybe you deserve to lose.

When Franklin Roosevelt took office in 1933, he didn't spend the first two years of his first term worrying about how Republicans labeled him. He didn't adjust his message for the Father Coughlin's and Huey Long's of the country. He took action. Some of what he did was ineffective. Some of it borderline unconstitutional (for which he was rightly rebuffed). But I think the reason why he was elected again and again is because he made the American people feel like he was working for them, doing whatever he could to get the country out of the Depression or at the very least ease the effects of it. He sure as hell didn't maintain that popularity by appeasing his opponents.

Top Ten Thursdays: How are we feeling about the election results?

Special extended bipartisan reacharound edition!

12) Orange

11) Blue

10) Engorged

9) Deflated

8) Fired up

7) Burned at the stake

6) Drunk with power

5) Stoned sober

4) Positively delusional

3) Negatively delusional

2) Embracing the missionary position

1) Stuck under the missionary position

T: The Party, Part III

Our story so far:
Part I
Part II


FBI AGENT DEMI KRATT, member of the T alien Fifth Column, LUCAS, and his human partner, JEROME, drive to a large Tea Party rally in Scranton, Pennsylvania. LUCAS is on the phone.

LUCAS
I need you, buddy...No, I know it’ll work. The cameras will be rolling, you just have to do that voodoo that you do so well...I knew I could count on you. (hangs up his phone)

AGENT KRATT
Who was that?

LUCAS
Our secret weapon against the T’s.

AGENT KRATT
Lucas, how are we going to stop them? They have superior technology, political momentum, a built-in distrust of the media....

LUCAS
But here’s what the T’s don’t have: control over their sexual arousal.

JEROME
I’ll testify to that.

LUCAS
T females work very hard to keep their arousal under control, because when they do become aroused, they emit three times the usual body heart in order to send a signal to the males that they’re ready to mate. If we get Queen Palin to get hot and bothered.....

AGENT KRATT
Her human skin will melt off!

JEROME
And that means goodbye political cougar and hello dragon lady.

AGENT KRATT
How is your friend going to manage to get Palin hot and bothered in front of a rally full of people?

LUCAS
The T’s may be very advanced in many ways, but our sense of what we find sexy lags about 25 years behind humans. My friend will fit the bill perfectly.

The three arrive at the Tea Party rally in Scranton and try to maintain a low profile in the crowd. Jerome jumps.

JEROME (whispering)
Lucas, baby, I appreciate the attention, but now is not the time.

LUCAS
The time for what?

JEROME
You pinched my ass.

LUCAS
No I didn’t?

Jerome looks behind him and sees a big, burly man wink at him.

JEROME
Hmpf, I swear they should hold this tea party in the closet.

They settle into the middle of the crowd as Palin comes on stage. The crowd goes crazy. Cameras everywhere flash and transmit her speech to all the major news outlets.

PALIN
Hi ya, Scranton! Are you ready to take back Pennsylvania? (The crowd cheers wildly.) Are you ready for freedom and liberty and patriotism and Jesus and lower taxes and good times? (The crowd is almost orgasmic.) Then I’m your gal!

Outside of the crowd, a vintage black Pontiac Firebird approaches the crowd. It doesn’t slow down as it gets closer, until the drive slams on the brakes and stops with the hood pointed toward the stage. The crowd grows quiet as they and Palin stop to look at the car.

The T-tops pop off as Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” begins to play. Actor MARC SINGER emerges out of the top and falls across the hood of the car. He wears a headband, a muscle shirt, and jeans so tight, it’s easy to tell he’s circumsized.

PALIN
Oh my!

As the song plays, Singer writhes and spreads his legs on the hood. The media cameras all follow him and then capture Palin’s reaction.

PALIN (waving her hand)
Is it getting hot out here?

During the guitar solo, flips on his front and dry humps the hood. Palin’s skin begins to glow and slowly melt off her face. When Singer flips back over and elevates his pelvis fully in the sky, the last of Palin’s mask falls off, revealing her natural reptilian look. Other T females have the same reaction, their fake skin dropping off, and even a couple of T males also heat up, including Lucas.

JEROME
Lucas! Don’t tell me you’ve got the hots for that little County Seat tramp!

LUCAS
I’m sorry, I’m only reptilian. I can’t help myself. We had a thing back in the 80s.

The rally devolves into screaming chaos as the Tea Partiers run from the revealed T’s. Palin is oblivious, however, completely focused on Singer’s gyrations.

PALIN (leaping off the stage)
Come to mama!

She rushes Singer before being restrained by police.

PALIN
Let me go! I need to mate! And feed!

They take her away and the other T’s are also rounded up, including Lucas. Marc Singer comes over to speak to Lucas.

SINGER
Lucas! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to expose you, too. Although I have to say, I’m flattered you still feel that way about me. I’ll get your bail money.

JEROME (pushes him away)
Save your money and get that mullet cut, son. I’ll take care of the bail.

AGENT KRATT
Mr. Singer, thank you so much. You’ve done a great service to your country, exposing the T’s just before the election.

SINGER
It’s all in a day’s work for The Beastmaster, ma’am.

AGENT KRATT
Okay, then....Well, gotta go.

SINGER
Say, need a ride in the Trans Am?

AGENT KRATT
I’m good, thanks. (Leaves quickly)

SINGER (watches her go)
Yeah, still got it.

Fast forward to November 3. Agent Kratt reads the newspaper with Lucas and Jerome.

AGENT KRATT
I can’t believe this. The T’s actually did better after they were exposed? How the hell is that possible.

LUCAS (reading)
“A tearful Glenn Beck helped marshal record turnout for an off-year election, telling his followers that political convictions don’t run skin deep, and that Sarah Palin’s heart was still the same, even if it was located where a human vagina would be.”

JEROME
Get this, Rush Limbaugh said, “The T’s have what we need, a little cold blood to make the kind of ruthless government cuts that our warm-blooded bleeding hearts won’t. And as a bonus they’ll actually eat the rats running Washington.”

LUCAS
I hate to say it, Demi, but your humans are getting exactly what you deserve.

AGENT KRATT
Maybe you’re right. (She takes out her cell and makes a call)

JEROME
Who are you calling?

AGENT KRATT
Marc Singer.

JEROME
Get out!

AGENT KRATT
Like Lucas says, I’m getting what I deserve. Compared to life under the T’s, a weekend of wiggling under The Beastmaster doesn’t seem so bad.

LUCAS
Hey, we could double.

JEROME
Not on your life

THE END?