Pundit and Pee Wee Herman impressionist Tucker Carlson recently got blogger and CJSD commenter Chuckles fired. Why? Because Chuckles mentioned Carlson came into the video store where Chuckles worked and because Chuckles did not threaten to do anything with Carlson’s personal information.
We here at CJSD Enterprises suspect Carlson interpreted Chuckles' non-threat as a threat because, as a conservative, Carlson becomes confused when people are telling the truth.
What else do we suspect* about Tucker Carlson?
12) In a fit of jealous rage, he once boiled George Will’s rabbit.
11) Wet himself when Bush threatened to "put that bowtie where the sun don't shine" after 1999 interview.
10) Frequently reenacted the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal with Paul Begala, with Carlson playing Monica.
9) Abhors all men who have bigger wangs than him, therefore abhorring all men.
8) Chopped down his father’s cherry tree and then immediately blamed "illegals from Puerto Rico."
7) Became a vampire when he left his bedroom window open for Robert Novak.
6) With each petty deed he does, a painting in his attic changes to show him shaking hands with prominent Democrats.
5) His bitterness and pettiness stem from being shrunk to miniature size during a childhood chocolate factory accident.
4) Now wears a bow tie on something else.
3) Will do anything for a tenth of a Nielson point.
2) Heir to the vast Massingill fortune.
1) Favorite movie: Dick.
*Disclaimer: all allegations, implications, and allusions regarding Tucker Carlson, however likely or probable, are fictitious creations of CJSD Enterprises and her sister companies: BET Entertainment, Sassypants, Inc., and Profane Existence Productions. Every post, word, letter, and pixel on this alleged blog are works of satire, in case the blog name didn't give it away. All legal actions and queries should be filed quid pro epsilon plurum up your bottom.