Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Top Ten Tuesdays: What Do We Suspect About Tucker Carlson?

Pundit and Pee Wee Herman impressionist Tucker Carlson recently got blogger and CJSD commenter Chuckles fired. Why? Because Chuckles mentioned Carlson came into the video store where Chuckles worked and because Chuckles did not threaten to do anything with Carlson’s personal information.

We here at CJSD Enterprises suspect Carlson interpreted Chuckles' non-threat as a threat because, as a conservative, Carlson becomes confused when people are telling the truth.

What else do we suspect* about Tucker Carlson?


12) In a fit of jealous rage, he once boiled George Will’s rabbit.

11) Wet himself when Bush threatened to "put that bowtie where the sun don't shine" after 1999 interview.

10) Frequently reenacted the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal with Paul Begala, with Carlson playing Monica.

9) Abhors all men who have bigger wangs than him, therefore abhorring all men.

8) Chopped down his father’s cherry tree and then immediately blamed "illegals from Puerto Rico."

7) Became a vampire when he left his bedroom window open for Robert Novak.

6) With each petty deed he does, a painting in his attic changes to show him shaking hands with prominent Democrats.

5) His bitterness and pettiness stem from being shrunk to miniature size during a childhood chocolate factory accident.

4) Now wears a bow tie on something else.

3) Will do anything for a tenth of a Nielson point.

2) Heir to the vast Massingill fortune.

1) Favorite movie: Dick.

*Disclaimer: all allegations, implications, and allusions regarding Tucker Carlson, however likely or probable, are fictitious creations of CJSD Enterprises and her sister companies: BET Entertainment, Sassypants, Inc., and Profane Existence Productions. Every post, word, letter, and pixel on this alleged blog are works of satire, in case the blog name didn't give it away. All legal actions and queries should be filed quid pro epsilon plurum up your bottom.

14 comments:

teh l4m3 said...

14) That when he services his meth-fueled truck-stop tranny hookers, he sits on a frozen Swenson's dinner.

billy pilgrim said...

He's a lewdatural podiatrist.

And his mother smelt of elderberries.

billy pilgrim said...

He once claimed 'privilege of peerage' to an entire fourth grade class.

billy pilgrim said...

...we suspect Tucker Carlson was instrumental in Bill Gates plan to enslave the entire world using Windows implants directly installed into our pineal glands.

Fortunately, the plot was foiled by Dr. Hunter Thompson (due to his intense interest in PURE pineal extract). Unfortunately, the Good Doctor gave his life for this interference; a debt which goes largely unrealized by the populace.

Suffice to say, Vista remains unrealized in Redmond.

billy pilgrim said...

that privilege of peerage comment up there?

It included the class hamster.

Trevor Jackson said...

Best legal disclaimer ever. Ipso ergo factotebag.

I'm stunned by #8. He really said that? Christ, what an idiot.

Brando said...

teh, the Swanson's dinner was a nice touch.

Billy, way to bring it!

Trevor, he didn't actually say that, but referred to Puerto Ricans as immigrants.

Chuckles said...

I like you, I really like you!

Churlita said...

What a wanker. Can you imagine being that self-important and insecure, that you would get so upset about someone you don't know writing about you on their blog? Well, maybe if his penis is as small as you and all your parent companies say it is, it makes total sense.

Awesome post. And Chuckles, I'm sorry Fucker Carlson is such a dick without a dick.

fish said...

He has a giant teddy bear named Jeanne Kirkpatrick. Local retailer "The Love Shack" will neither confirm nor deny certain "alterations" made to said bear.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Could it be that after he left the story with his WASPy woman she turned to ole Tuckbag and said,

"I like the way that man handles videos."

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Store -- not story!!

Man, I am sooo sick this week. I really need to get this sinus infection cleared up so I can just mispell on the Internets.

Mendacious D said...

Apropos of this "waspish" character, I wonder if the woman in question is not, in fact, his missus (PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS RAMPANT AND UNFOUNDED SPECULATION AND HAS NO BASIS IN FACT AND IS GUARANTEED TO BE INACCURATE. AS SUCH, IT DOES NOT CONSTITUE LIBEL, DEFAMATION, OR EMOTIONAL HARDSHIP. EXCEPT YOU'RE STILL A COBAG) and that Chuckie blew his cover.

Of course, bringing this to the attention of the huddled masses probably didn't help, but since when has a pundit worried about consequences?

almostinfamous said...

1x) that when he tries to translate descartes' famous quote, he can't get beyond the first letter(or word if you're into the whole french thing).