Special extended campaigning edition!
15) Rehearsing tearful adultery confession.
14) Hiding implications of tax plan from reporters by using lots of math.
13) Practicing the pronunciation of countries we plan to invade.
12) Learning not to reach for the sanitizer after shaking the calloused, leathery hand of an Iowa farmer.
11) Faking a choking incident when asked, “So how do you plan to handle Iraq?”
10) Conducting polls to see if the public will consider Boy Scouts “military service.”
9) Thinking of a name for the campaign bus that doesn’t use the words liberty, freedom, express, straight talk, or shaggin’ wagon.
8) Remembering not to answer, “commando,” when asked, “Senator, panties or thongs?”
7) Gathering hush money for everyone who was at that key party in ’77.
6) Keeping a straight face when we say, “The Republican Party is a friend of the black man.”
5) Earning Rush Limbaugh’s endorsement by giving him a Double Whopper with meth.
4) Hiring Dan Savage to create a slang term for “Brownback.”
3) Seeking the wise counsel of other Freemasons.
2) Setting aside the issues of Iraq, terrorism, global warming, health care, and the exploding deficit to focus on the greatest threat to our fair republic: gay marriage.
1) Relocating all of the bodies.