Thursday, January 25, 2007

Poll: Bush Approval at All-Time Low Among Bush Family Members

WASHINGTON - A new Gallup poll reveals that President George W. Bush has the highest disapproval ratings in history among other Bush family members.

Only 28% of the Bush family members approve of his performance, while 58% “strongly disapprove” of his handling. Another 14% add that Bush “has completely fucked us out of being President.”

President Bush’s father, former President George H. W. Bush, was one of those who disapproved. “Our family has always bounced back from incredible challenges: dealing with Nazis; circumventing the Constitution during Iran-Contra; and losing to a draft-dodging, coyote-ugly-loving Arkansas hillbilly,” said the elder Bush. “But even our dynasty is not strong enough to withstand the mind-numbing incompetence and stupidity of my eldest son. Christ, I should never have gotten him out of Vietnam.”

The former President added, “Or told Jeb to give him the election.”

“Jeb” is Florida Governor Jeb Bush, the President’s brother, who played a pivotal role in the President winning the 2000 election. Governor Bush also appears to regret that decision as he voiced his disapproval of the President's performance and it's effect on his political fortunes.

“I wanted to let that asshole lose in 2000, but I let the old man talk me out of it. Jesus H. Christ, what was I thinking?” Governor Bush said, beating the sides of his temples with his fists. “If I tell Kathleen to give it to Gore, I’m in the White House by ’04 or ’08 at the latest. Now fucking Hillary or some Allah-loving negro is going to be president and I’m not? Only my dickhead brother could have pulled that off.” The governor then left to go on a liquor run.

The President’s 28% approval rating is even lower than the 31% Neil Bush received during his divorce, when details such as his paying for Thai escorts leaked into the press. Neil Bush also said he strongly disapproved of his brother’s leadership, but added, “Honestly, I don’t think he’s done that bad of a job. I just wanted him to get a lower approval than me. Yeah, eat it, Georgie Porgie!” Mr. Bush then offered the reporter a high-five.

Barbara Bush, the former First Lady and President Bush’s mother, was one of the few who approved of her son’s performance. “He’s a good boy who means well,” she said. “His approval sank after he was blamed unfairly for what happened in New Orleans after Katrina, when everyone knows those people don’t know how to swim. What are they doing living so close to the water?”

The President’s daughters were divided on their father’s performance. Responding via text message, Barbara Bush wrote, “dad=l4m3r.” She added, “Bcoz of him, no 1 will go out w/ me. They think im retard like him.”

Jenna Bush, Barabra’s sister, showed her support for the President via her text reply to her sister. “barb u r a retard and prood. daddy r0x0rs!!!!”

“J is a dumb slut,” Barbara immediately replied.

Perhaps the most telling sign of the President’s waning popularity came from Barney, the White House dog and historically a faithful supporter of the President. When shown a picture of his master and told to bark once for approval and twice for disapproval, Barney snatched the picture with his jaws, dropped it on the floor, and urinated on it before barking twice.

The poll's margin of error was plus or minus three martinis.


Noelle said...

This article is Onion-worthy. Awesome.

Brendan said...

I second that emotion.

Lilzap said...

My thought is that the Bush family may also have some hillbilly in them. I am no authority on recessive genes, but George junior makes a case for my theory. I hope to hear tales of him down on his ranch after the impeachment, whistling "Home on the Range," and cussing the cloudy day and the discouraging words about him.

teh l4m3 said...

Mr. [Neil] Bush then offered the reporter a high-five.

Let's hope that reporter has a handy supply of hand sanitizer and penicillin. Or is Matt Lauer.

MichaelBains said...

Like martinis at breakfast I third the Onionistas!


Or is Matt Lauer.

In which case, he'd never actually met the man whom he was interviewing? Ahh, right. Very good.


Adorable Girlfriend said...

Why do I love when we pick on Jenna? She is so MySpace tragic!

BOSSY said...

You forgot Laura - who is deferring judgment on her husband until after the lobotomy wears off.