President Bush during his address to nation on Wednesday, January 10. Sources close to the President remarked he was suffering "logic cramps" and "verbal diarrhea" from excessive bullshit consumption.
WASHINGTON - Medical personnel close to the White House told reporters that President George W. Bush is no longer able to swallow his own bullshit.
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, the two doctors both stated that the President has lost his ability to digest spin, clichés, contradictions, catch phrases and other verbal ingredients that comprise bullshit.
“Three years ago, the President could claim a slurpee machine in a Baghdad Circle K store was actually an anthrax storage facility,” said one of the doctors. “You would see no blanching of the skin, trembling of the voice, or dilation of the pupils. He was ingesting and expelling copious amounts of bullshit as if it was honest-to-goodness truth.”
That is what led to the President’s current condition, said the second doctor. “We all swallow bullshit,” the doctor said. “But most people try to make bullshit a small part of a well-balanced discourse. The President has made it his fundamental source.”
According to discourse experts, the recommend “discourse pyramid” that promotes good, healthy discourse, while limiting bad discourse. At the bottom, the foundation is honest-to-goodness truth, discourse that is full of unbleached facts and strong strands of reason. Above that are passionate beliefs and strong convictions, which are also encouraged in generous amounts, so long as they rest on the honest-to-goodness truth foundation.
The two layers above make the transition from good discourse to bad. Selective reasoning, a staple of pundits, is allowed, but only in small amounts. Likewise, irrelevant comparisons, which can provide a short-term boost to arguments, are loaded with empty logic that can cause a “discourse crash” if overused.
At the top of the pyramid lies complete bullshit, which doctors say people should only consume very sparingly.
“Before the War in Iraq, the President was consuming moderate amounts of complete bullshit,” said the first doctor. “More than the daily recommended allowance, but nothing too unusual for a man in his line of work. After Iraq, however, he began gorging himself on bullshit, to the point where it replaced honest-to-goodness truth as the foundation of his discourse pyramid, contaminating all of his rhetorical byproducts.”
Dr. P.U. Frankfurt of the WTF Center for Public Discourse agreed with the assessment of the two other doctors, and remarked that, during his speech on Wednesday, President Bush showed all the symptoms of Irritable Bullshit Syndrome, or IBS.
“For starters, he admitted he made ‘some’ mistakes, long after anyone with two eyes and a brain stem could see he had made errors of judgment of colossal proportions,” said Dr. Frankfurt. “Usually you only see that level of IBS from addicts on their third or fourth intervention.” In fact, Dr. Frankfurt went on to remark, the only other politician to display such severe symptoms of IBS since the disease was first diagnosed in 1965 was Richard Nixon during the Watergate ccandal.
“Another sign of IBS was that President Bush appeared to be regurgitating his bullshit as soon as he was fed it,” Dr. Frankfurt continued. “Normally, one can process complete bullshit and excrete it more firmly, but last night he expelled it in its more watery and vacuous undigested state. That’s a sign of serious, advanced IBS.”
The two doctors close to the White House refused to comment on whether Bush suffered from IBS, but a staffer who was present at speech rehearsals described symptoms consistent with Dr. Frankfurt’s diagnosis. “They would give the President talking points, and he would just throw them right up,” said the source. “We filled two slop buckets with ‘freedom’ and ‘resolve’ alone. They had to give him a shot of sodium pentothal just so he could get through the speech.”
When asked for comment on President Bush's condition, the White House said the President was perfectly healthy and had simply been suffering from “a bad Gordita.”