Special extra resolve edition!
15) Make absolutely sure we never forget the safe word again.
14) Put some stickum on before playing with our Nintendo Wii.
13) Ask Ethiopia for their secret recipe for military success.
12) Start going through Obama's trash.
11) Post clearly marked signs in the execution chamber that read, “No videotaping/flash photography/cans/bottles.”
10) Maximize chances for losing virginity by taking a binge drinker to the prom.
9) Post pictures on MySpace only when sober.
8) Tell friends to wake us up before we go-go driving.
7) Cut smoking by having a cigarette when a Republican says something intelligent.
6) Curb cinematic pollution by reducing noxious Ben Stiller emissions.
5) Throw passes only to players in Bears uniforms.
4) Keep mum about how we feel about Jews and black people when approached by Los Angeles police officers or high-fiving Central Asian “journalists.”
3) Win The Biggest Loser by starting a heroin habit.
2) Kick our heroin habit.
1) Upgrade military situation in Iraq from “completely FUBAR” to “total clusterfuck.”