The Chronicles of Chuckles, Part II: The Little Dick vs. the Giant Wang

Read part I as Tucker Carlson battles our hero, Chuckles, a video story employee/blogger who makes the mistake of not threatening Carlson, then blogs about how not threatening Tucker Carlson got him fired!

Our story continues...

TUCKER CARLSON bursts into Lackluster Videos, smelling of fake tanner and Virginia Slims.

CARLSON (waving printed pages of the account of part I)
You think you’re so smart, Chuckles? You think you can write about me without my permission?

CHUCKLES, partially concealed by the shelving, turns to talk to him.

CHUCKLES
Um, yes.

CARLSON
Well think again, wise guy. Do you know who I am?

CHUCKLES
Yes, that’s why I wrote about you.

CARLSON
Right, er, well who told you you could know about me? Huh? Was it that motherfucker Begala?

CHUCKLES
No. I know about you because of your show.

CARLSON
Ah ha! That’s impossible, because no one watches my show!

CHUCKLES
Look, you win, okay. You got me fired. I really don’t have time for this, and your orange complexion and the Virginia Slims smell is making me kind of ill.

CARLSON
Oh, I have not yet begun to fight, asshole! I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!

CHUCKLES
You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?

CARLSON
Who told you that?

CHUCKLES
You did!

CARLSON (hesitates)
Quit dodging my question!

CHUCKLES (sighing)
Why are you bothering me? Seriously? You were popular and annoying enough once for Jon Stewart to go out of his way to mock you on your home turf. Your bow tie inspired a generation of repressed conservatives to keep their non-missionary-position fantasies locked under wraps. What happened?

CARLSON (tearing up)
It’s...it’s...this....

Carlson opens up his pants. Chuckles, first glancing for hidden cameras, reluctantly looks.

CHUCKLES
I can’t see anything.

CARLSON (sobbing)
I KNOW! That’s the problem! Why do you think I hated Al Gore so much? It was that fucking Rolling Stone cover! And when Jon Stewart called me a big dick...I really wanted it to be true!

CHUCKLES
I get it now. It was my wang, wasn’t it?

Chuckles moves from behind the video shelves. An enormous bulge, the size of a medicine ball, extends from his pants.

CHUCKLES (cont.)
It made you jealous.

CARLSON
It did! I could sense it behind the counter. Everyone thinks I have it all, but the one thing I don’t have is a big wang. Look at it...

CHUCKLES (sotto voce)
I’m trying...

CARLSON
I feel like everyone who looks at me knows my secret.

CHUCKLES
I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but...Look, I forgive you.

CARLSON (wiping away a tear)
Really?

CHUCKLES
Yeah. Now I know why you cry, but it is something I can never do. I can't imagine going through life with what you have. But you have to not let your lack of wang eat you up like this. It’s like that old saying, it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean.

CARLSON
Really?

CHUCKLES
Really.

CARLSON (smiling evilly)
Thanks for the secret, sucker! Once I overcome my low wang esteem, I'll rule the world! See you on basic cable...NOT!

Laughing manically, Carlson turns and runs away, only to run smack into a pair of pants with a giant wang coming through the door. The wang pushes Carlson back into the store, until he crashes into a stack of tapes. The bearer of the wang finally emerges through the door: Keith Olberman.

OLBERMAN (looking down)
Tucker, for the last time, quit riding my jock. (Glancing at Chuckles) Nice wang.

The scene freezes.

VOICE OVER
Will Tucker Carlson continue to be the opposite of his genitals? Will Chuckles’s tarantula feast on obnoxious pundit flesh? Will The Daily Show step in to kick Carlson in his raisins? And will Keith Olberman give a job to Chuckles and his wang?

Tune in next time for the Chronicles of Chuckles, Part III.