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12) Records reveal Harry could not have spent Christmas in Cambodia.
11) Lord Voldemort returns to run on 2008 Republican ticket.
10 Since going through puberty, Harry has trouble controlling his wand.
9) Harry gets caught using performance-enhancing potions during Quidditch matches.
8) The boys discover that Hermoine appeared in a “Wizards Gone Wild” video.
7) Snape spends weekends fronting Nine Inch Nails cover band.
6) Harry now engaged to Katie Holmes.
5) Cornelius Fudge outed Valarie Plame to get discredit Dumbledore.
4) Head wizards secretly reassigned Hagrid to Hogwarts after abuse allegations at several Boston magic schools.
3) Harry and Ron must defeat royalty-seeking ghost of C.S. Lewis.
2) Magic may bring you power, fame, and fortune, but it doesn’t bring you true happiness. Unless you cast a True Happiness spell.
1) Dumbeldore’s fate: death by unga bunga.