Thursday, July 28, 2005

The Tom Cruise Security Advisory System

Due to increased levels of suspicious Tom Cruise activity, the Department of Homeland Security has initiated a Tom Cruise Security Advisory System. This system is designed to target our protective measures when information related to a specific Tom Cruise sighting, release, or engagement is received. This interactive guide combines threat information and illustrations with irritability and incoherence assessments, providing vital communications to public safety officials and E! viewers.

Low risk of a Tom Cruise attack
Presence of Scientology undetectable. Cruise, while occasionally risky, is affable and charming. Methods for obtaining Oscar gold remain within internationally acceptable guidelines. Personal life content and appropriate.

General risk of a Tom Cruise attack
Cruise still personable and likeable, but behavior borders on irresponsible and nefarious. Attempts to obtain Oscar reach dangerous maudlin levels. First signs of erratic behavior become visible.

Significant risk of a Tom Cruise attack
Cruise begins to show alarming interest in the military, espionage, and piloting aircraft. May be conducting dry runs to test limits of box office radius. Relationships and personal appearance often inexplicable and bizarre.

High risk of a Tom Cruise attack
Scientology extremely likely to be discussed with a straight face. Cruise’s behavior increasingly endangers both himself and those around him. Physical appearance and diet may undergo radical change.

Severe risk of Tom Cruise attack
Cruise has already set in process a multimedia rampage. Behavior becomes extremely aggressive, almost primate-like. Thetan has wrested control of mind and destroyed all logic. May be smuggling WMD in the form of a box office bomb.

Note: During Severe status, Cruise should be considered armed and dangerous.

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