Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Official Supreme Court Nominee Questionnaire

FORM F-21-12-U

Please answer the following questions truthfully unless the truth will cause a scandal. Return the completed form to the nearest Executive Office/church/detention center.

I. Demographics

1. Are you:
a) male
b) female
c) a Democrat (skip all remaining questions and shove questionnaire up ass)

2. I am
a) Caucasian (skip question 3 and pat yourself on the back)
b) African-American
c) Hispanic
d) Asian
e) Chief Justice Wahoo

3. As a minority, I
a) believe minorities have the same opportunity to succeed as rich white people if they were no longer rich or white
b) want to overturn the legislation that helped me get my job
c) won’t admit it

4. I am a practicing
a) Christian
b) Catholic
c) Heb, er, Jew
d) terrorist/Muslim

II. Litmus test

1. My gavel is always
a) hard and ready to bang repeatedly
b) out of commission unless discussing the right to sodomy
c) ready to go both ways

2. The Ten Commandments should be
a) in every courtroom in America
b) in every classroom in America
c) tattooed inside the eyelids of every American

3. Abortion is
a) worse than the Holocaust because it kills non-Jews
b) the reason why all liberals should be put to death
c) a right of every woman that I will make sure is revoked

4. During a disputed presidential election, the Supreme Court should
a) make sure the votes of non-felon, non-welfare, non-liberal citizens are counted accurately
b) speed up the process before some “experts” can investigate
c) go out for coffee

5. Gay marriage is
a) wrong

III. Fill in the blank

Please complete the following sentences.

1. Arab-Americans should _________ internment camps.

2. Freedom _______ free, especially for_______, __________, and definitely __________.

3. Sodomy _________ result in stoning.

4. Immigrants must speak_________or die.

5. I wipe my_________with international treaties and rulings.

6. Journalists should be_________until they can’t feel their extremities.

7. When in doubt, _________ the Book of Leviticus.

IV. Judicial analogies

1. Interrogation : torture ::
a) ice cream : hot fudge
b) grass : ass
c) plausible : deniable

2. Coke : pubic hair ::
a) practical : joke
b) frigid : cunt
c) distant : memory

3. ACLU : traitors ::
a) New York Times : toilet paper
b) professors : brainwashers
c) Michael Moore : Stay Puff Marshmallow Man

4. Flag : burn ::
a) Lady Liberty : rape
b) Jesus : crucify
c) Rush Limbaugh : incarcerate

5. Freedom : speech::
a) Fox : facts
b) dreaming : day
c) Fuck : off

V. Essay
Please describe how and why the President should be allowed to do what he wants, when he wants, especially when he needs to preserve freedom by destroying it. Cite relevant extra-legal examples.

The Supreme Court is not an equal opportunity employer. If you don't like it you have the right to let the door hit you in the ass on the way to Canada. All applicants are required to pass a visual examination and correctly identify the hand that feeds them. All appointments are for life, but in the case of judicial activism, accidents can happen. Remember that when you’re ruling on whether Osama bin Raghead is an enemy combatant or a mystery guest of the Department of Defense.

1 comment:

SER said...

Hilarious! If only Shouts & Murmurs could be so funny....