WASHINGTON - Karl Rove, the White House chief of staff under investigation for allegedly revealing the identity of an undercover CIA operative, fled a press conference today and climbed the Washington Monument.
Rove stormed west of the White House, overturning cars and beating his chest. The rampaging political mastermind stopped at the Watergate Hotel, where he reached through a window and grabbed Valerie Plame, the agent whose identity he is accused of offering to the press. Pulling the screaming Ms. Plame toward him, Rove stopped to caress her blond hair.
Police immediately fired tear gas and rubber bullets, causing Rove to flee eastward, toward the National Mall. Pushing aside dozens of stunned tourists with his giant, hairless hands, he proceeded to scale the Washington Monument, taunting police below with a series of growls and roars. He placed Ms. Plame on the peak of the structure.
President Bush, immediately summoned from a game of hopscotch, faced a dilemma—would he order a military strike against the beast that helped bring him to power? According to sources inside the White House, the President sat at his Oval Office desk, drooling and silent for the next nine hours, while aides awaited orders. The White House dismissed allegations that the President was drooling as “unfounded.”
In the Capitol, Congress furiously debated the situation. Democrats called for Rove’s destruction. Republicans claimed that Rove had not technically broken any laws by climbing the Washington Monument, since it was publicly owned. When Democratic Senator Charles Schumer claimed that Rove was guilty of kidnapping, Senate Majority Leader Dr. Bill Frist said, “I have looked into Valerie Plame’s eyes, and I am convinced that she wants to be on top of that monument.”
Senator John McCain immediately stood on top of his chair and ripped apart his suit, tie and shirt, standing naked to the waist. “The time for gridlock is over, gentlemen!” he proclaimed. “We need bi-partisan action to solve this crisis!” Reaching beneath his chair, he grabbed Senator Joseph Lieberman, hopped on an awaiting Harley Davidson motorcycle, and sped off to Andrew’s Air Force Base.
Arriving at the base, the two senators climbed aboard an F-16 and took off for the Washington Monument. As the jet buzzed by, McCain strafed Rove with 20mm cannon rounds, to no effect, while Rove attempted to swat the senators from the sky. Finally, on the third pass, McCain fired a missile at Rove, striking the analyst in the heart. Looking at Ms. Plame with sad, animal eyes, Rove let go of the monument and fell to the ground. He was pronounced dead on impact.
The incident began when White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan had Rove—held in chains—brought out during a press conference on the Plame incident. Rove appeared to grow frightened by the attention, cringing at the flashing camera bulbs and howling when questions were hurled at him. When one reporter shoved a microphone toward him and asked, “Did you try to get back at Joe Wilson by hurting Ms. Plame?” Rove snapped his bonds and began his rampage.
Ms. Plame reunited with Wilson at the base of the Monument, next to the giant body of Rove. “I know that he was a brute,” Ms. Plame said afterward, “but I believe there was a gentle soul buried inside.”
Plame and Wilson also announced that they had struck a book deal about the incident with Harper Collins editor Judith Regan.