WASHINGTON, D.C. - Hoping to quell a debate that has been tearing the United States asunder, Congress agreed to a compromise on the divisive issue of gay marriage.
The new law outlaws gay marriage in any state that “looks, feels, acts, or smells like the state of Missouri.”
“This is a great compromise for our nation,” said Representative Jim Leach (R.-Iowa). “Bipartisan action has once again relieved Congress from making a tough decision.”
The compromise comes at a time when even the discussion of the issue can spark violence on the House floor. Earlier this week, Congressman Barney Frank, the openly gay Massachusetts Democrat, chided anti-gay marriage opponents, singling out House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. “Tom DeLay and his supporters cannot see that they are indeed committing sodomy themselves,” Frank said. “They are being serviced by the man-whore of gay discrimination.”
DeLay leapt across the chamber and pummeled Frank with the silver tip of his cane, leaving the Massachusetts representative stunned and bleeding. According to eyewitness, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert took immediate action, breaking up the scrum and giving DeLay “a serious timeout.”
After Missouri representative Roy Blunt attempted to remove “smells” from the bill’s language, the House agreed that Missouri does indeed smell and passed the bill 319-105.
In the Senate, there were some questions about the bill’s application. “How can one, uh, tell, if a state is acting like Missouri?” asked Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA).
Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas elaborated for the other senators. “If your governor has his limo on blocks, your state might be like Missouri. If your state’s two most cosmopolitan cities try to keep as far away from the middle of the state as possible, your state might be like Missouri. If your voters pronounce the word, ‘Miz-zur-ah,’ then your state might be like Missouri.”
“At least we are not a bunch of dirt-eating Jayhawks,” cried Senator Kit Bond, a sixth-generation Missourian, right before striking Brownback with his own cane. Majority Leader Bill Frist had to separate the two men. “Gentlemen, show some dignity,” he admonished them. “We’re on the same man-on-man-love-hating side!”
Without further incident, the Senate passed the bill 98-1, with Senator Tom Coburn of (R.-Oklahoma) abstaining due to “debate over-stimulation.”
In addition to the Missouri litmus test, the statute allows gay marriage in any state bordered by a body of water that touches a more enlightened country.