Over at the always entertaining Earthgoat Journal, my good friend Grendel posted about the upcoming movie, The Aristocrats. As the New York Times reported (reg. required), this film may wind up being the first ever movie to get rated NC-17 (or not rated at all) solely because of language. Why? Because 150 comedians tell the same joke over and over again.
Whah? you may ask. How dirty can that joke be? The answer: pretty fucking dirty.
A little background: “The Aristocrats” is an old, old, old comedy routine. It involves the same set-up (a family comes into the office of a talent agency and tries to get representation by doing their act) and the same punch line. The real joke lies in between—a perverse, filthy improvisation by the comedian describing the family’s act in lurid Times Square detail. The dirtier, lewder, and cruder, the better. The movie of the same name will show many name-brand comedians offering their take on the joke. This film may even break the previous cinematic record for pussy humor.
Gilbert Gottfried did his version of the joke at Hugh Hefner’s Friar’s Club Roast (it’s toward the bottom, after the very dark 9/11 joke). I also found the Dead Frog Aristocrats Joke Database where you can submit your own joke. In short, there seems to be a resurgence of interest in this bit of Vaudevillian naughtiness.
After reading all this blue material, my own Aristocrats joke popped into my head while I was getting coffee at work. However, I was a little hesitant to take a stab at writing such a filthy joke. It’s not that I don’t like low-brow, dirty humor (or low-brow gory horror). It’s just I’m not much of a shock writer. But if fucking Bob Saget can tell this joke, so can I. At least I can’t be hit with rotten vegetables on my blog.
Warning: completely not work safe, hence we’re keeping it behind the red velvet curtain in the back.
Continue to The Flaming Aristocrats
The Flaming Aristocrats
A family walks into a talent agency: a mother, father, son, daughter, and their adorable Chihuahua. The father says to the talent agent, “You should represent us, we have an amazing act.”
The agent looks the family over. “Sorry, folks, I don’t represent family acts. Too cute for my tastes.”
“Sir,” the mother says, “if you just see our act, I know you’ll want to represent us.”
The agent looks at his watch. “Okay, you have five minutes.”
The family disrobe. The father reaches into a gym bag and pulls out a tea cup, a funnel, and a can of gasoline. He hands the tea cup to the daughter, shoves the funnel in his wife’s vagina, and pours the gas down the funnel. Kicking the funnel out of the way, he begins to fuck his wife. He thrusts faster and faster, his hips becoming a blur as he jackhammers away. The mother’s pussy begins to smoke, and with one final thrust, the father leaps off her.
A giant column of fire spurts from her vagina. Elevating her hips and sticking her legs in the air, her son springs onto her feet. The flames lick his scrotum, and the wrinkled skin expands, becoming smooth and red from the heat.
The father runs to his daughter, where she begins to give him head, maintaining his giant erection. He looks over at his son and sees his glowing nut sack. “Ready?” the father cries. “Now, Taquito!”
The Chihuahua lifts his leg and pees into the tea cup, filling it almost to the brim. The mother lowers her legs and catapults her son toward the daughter. With surgical precision, he lands his flaming nuts into the cup, instantly heating the dog’s piss. The father pulls his cock from his daughter’s mouth. “And now for the cream de la creme!” he shouts as he ejaculates in the cup.
The daughter snatches the cup and, with her pinky extended, pours the concoction into her mouth. She rolls onto her back and her brother grabs her ankles and thrusts into her. Taquito leaps onto the son’s face, and the son holds the dog in place by felatiating Taquito. The father lets Tequito grab onto his balls while he also grabs his daughter’s nipples. They form a giant vertical daisy chain, and the begin rolling toward the mother, who still has orange flame shooting out of her. As they roll across the room, the brother fucks his sister and sucks his dog as fast as he can. The human wheel gains speed and hops, leaping through the vaginal flame. In mid-air, they fly apart. The sister tumbles face-first into her mother’s flaming pussy. She spits the contents of the tea cup out of her mouth, dousing the flames. The son and Taquito land on either side of the mother and cool offer her smoking vagina with two giant squirts of their semen. The father lands spread eagle over the mother’s face. She places a gentle, loving kiss on the head of his penis.
“Ta da!” says the father.
“Wow!” the talent agent says. “That is an impressive act. What do you call yourselves?”
The family replies in unison, “The Aristocrats!”