It's one more random than 10!
Leap Year should be a national holiday. We should treat it like that extra hour of sleep we get when it’s time to move the clocks back, except let it be a whole day that's completely off the books.
I have a funny story to share from my brother, Tickle. He works in your standard office environment. Earlier this week, he noticed that one of his coworkers was away in the bathroom, so Tickle went to this guy’s desk and sent an e-mail to another male coworker, saying, “I think we should get weird after work.”
He happened to notice that the guy he sent the e-mail to was away from his desk as well. Tickle went to the third man’s desk and replied to the message he sent from the second guy, writing, “I agree.” My brother went back to his desk and waited.
According to Tickle, “This prompted an awkward exchange between the two before they pinned me down as the prime suspect.” Keep in mind Tickle is 30 and getting married this year.
Speaking of which, at the end of April I am heading to Vegas with Tickle and a posse of guys for Tickle’s bachelor party. Most of the colorful characters from earlier trips will be there. I intend to buy a lap dance for Tickle from Danny Gans, while Danny Gans imitates the entire cast of Saved by the Bell. I will ask him to save Screech for last.
On to the tunes....
1) “Eternal Life,” Jeff Buckley. Funny a song with this title comes up when I’ve been reading Kevin Brockmeier’s The Brief History of the Dead and working on some afterlife-related fiction.
2) “Friday’s Dust,” Doves. Not to be confused with “Dust in the Wind,” which blows every other day of the week.
3) “Survival Car,” Fountains of Wayne. I gained a decent amount of weight after we moved up here, and I finally decided enough was enough and went back on the South Beach Diet this week. This is as close to candy as I’ll get for a while.
4) “Whatcha Drinkin’,” Hüsker Dü. I am drinking the new bottle of Scotch that The Lovely Becky surprised me with. I really wish I had been listening to Hüsker Dü in high school instead of Dio. Well, maybe not Dio—I will always have a soft spot for Ronnie James and his magic ways. How about instead of Dokken?
5) “Houses of the Holy,” Led Zeppelin. Cowbell! TLB really, really hates Zeppelin. I flipped on VH1 Classic last week and caught a late 70s live performance of Zeppelin playing, "Nobody's Fault But Mine," which I love because it's not overplayed. My wife, bless her, sat on the couch working on her computer, saying not a word until she uttered an almost inaudible yet screamingly grateful "Thank you" when I changed the channel.
6) “Loudmouth,” The Ramones. I wonder if it took Joey less time to write the lyrics to this than it did to perform. Classic Ramones that still sounds pretty kicking.
7) “Long Distance Runaround,” Yes. This is precisely the kind of fruity wanking The Ramones rebelled against, yet I love both of them and want to bring these disperate groups together. I guess my ears are like Barack Obama.
8) “Von,” Sigur Rós. I can’t think of better music to play on a snowy UP day. This is an acoustic version of an old song of theirs, from the new Hvarf-Heim CD. Well worth getting if you love your ears.
9) “Scared Straight,” The Long Winters. Har dee har har at the band name considering it’s the last day of February and snowing like hell right now. But that doesn’t take away from a nice, catchy rock song with just the right touch of horns. The video shows what these crazy kids are doing with the You Tubes.
10) “The Other End (Of the Telescope),” Til Tuesday. TLB can sing this every bit as sweetly as Aimee Mann herself. This probably should have been our wedding song.
11) “Medley: YYZ/Temples of Syrinx/Tom Sawyer (live),” Rush. Or this could have worked for the wedding. Nothing says for better or for worse like Geddy Lee shrieking We are the priests...of the Temples...of SYRINX!
Twenty years of living with this, and she still surprises me with booze. That’s love.
Have a great weekend.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we reaching out to North Korea?
10) Sending Larry Craig on a feeler mission.
9) Keeping double-cheeseburger on the dollar menu at all North Korean McDonald’s.
8) Financing Bill O’Reilly trip to Pyongyang to prove that when North Koreans go to restaurants, they don’t ask for more M-Fing hot tea.
7) Holding combination wet T-shirt/General MacArthur lookalike contest.
6) Producing new North Korean-scripted version of M*A*S*H where a group of wacky North Korean doctors teach us to laugh, love, and learn to throw off the shackles of our capitalist imperial oppressors.
5) Offering to let winner of rock-paper-scissors launch first nuclear strike.
4) Having Kim Jong-il be the first guest on new Bravo show, Queer Eye for the Totalitarian Guy.
3) Establishing historic nukes-for-nachos swap.
2) Upgrading them from the Axis of Evil to the Fulcrum of Inconvenience.
1) Granting the North the right to occupy South Korea on alternate weekends and two weeks during summer breaks.
9) Keeping double-cheeseburger on the dollar menu at all North Korean McDonald’s.
8) Financing Bill O’Reilly trip to Pyongyang to prove that when North Koreans go to restaurants, they don’t ask for more M-Fing hot tea.
7) Holding combination wet T-shirt/General MacArthur lookalike contest.
6) Producing new North Korean-scripted version of M*A*S*H where a group of wacky North Korean doctors teach us to laugh, love, and learn to throw off the shackles of our capitalist imperial oppressors.
5) Offering to let winner of rock-paper-scissors launch first nuclear strike.
4) Having Kim Jong-il be the first guest on new Bravo show, Queer Eye for the Totalitarian Guy.
3) Establishing historic nukes-for-nachos swap.
2) Upgrading them from the Axis of Evil to the Fulcrum of Inconvenience.
1) Granting the North the right to occupy South Korea on alternate weekends and two weeks during summer breaks.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Friday CJ Random Whateva
Special phone lines are open edition!
I have been crazy busy with work this week and haven't been able to think about blogging, let alone blog. So I'm going to pull an old Atrios trick and open thread this week's Random 11: What songs get you cranked for the weekend?
Drop in titles, artists, links, memories, whatever you like in the comments. List classic favorites, new stuff that shows off your hipster doofus cred, what you used to listen to before a night of drinking Milwaukee's Best while standing out of the T-top of a speeding Camaro.
I would, of course, be remiss if I didn't start out with this:
I have been crazy busy with work this week and haven't been able to think about blogging, let alone blog. So I'm going to pull an old Atrios trick and open thread this week's Random 11: What songs get you cranked for the weekend?
Drop in titles, artists, links, memories, whatever you like in the comments. List classic favorites, new stuff that shows off your hipster doofus cred, what you used to listen to before a night of drinking Milwaukee's Best while standing out of the T-top of a speeding Camaro.
I would, of course, be remiss if I didn't start out with this:
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Top Ten Tuesdays: Why are we stepping down from power?
10) Platform dropped on the gallows.
9) Plan to pursue dream of being first dictator to win American Idol.
8) Always promised to resign when political killings became more work than fun.
7) Mistakenly thought citizens really loved us or instead of re-electing us in droves because we had them strung up by their purple fingers.
6) Something about not really listening to the will of the people.
5) Stupid hobbits destroyed our ring.
4) Cult of personality was found to be inflated by human growth hormone.
3) Couldn’t convince voting public that we were simply looking for a contact we had dropped into intern’s pants.
2) Lousy, meddling, Constitutionally mandated term limits (forthcoming).
1) Steely resolve of George W. Bush convinced us to step aside to let democracy blossom...just kidding, we’re taking the national treasury to Vegas.
9) Plan to pursue dream of being first dictator to win American Idol.
8) Always promised to resign when political killings became more work than fun.
7) Mistakenly thought citizens really loved us or instead of re-electing us in droves because we had them strung up by their purple fingers.
6) Something about not really listening to the will of the people.
5) Stupid hobbits destroyed our ring.
4) Cult of personality was found to be inflated by human growth hormone.
3) Couldn’t convince voting public that we were simply looking for a contact we had dropped into intern’s pants.
2) Lousy, meddling, Constitutionally mandated term limits (forthcoming).
1) Steely resolve of George W. Bush convinced us to step aside to let democracy blossom...just kidding, we’re taking the national treasury to Vegas.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Random Book Meme II: Electric Boogaloo
Jennifer tagged me with a meme, one I had answered before. But it's a fun one and worth repeating. You have to:
Since this passage is a bit, shall we say, legal, I've taken the liberty of rewriting it in exciting action form. This is from Write Hard 5: Just Write Already, starring Bruce Willis as editor John McClane and the Chicago Manual of Style as Chicago
CHICAGO
Okay, McClane, you have to modify the agreement to reflect the particular allocation of responsibilities between the editor and the contributors.
MCCLANE
Damn it, Chicago, there's no time for that. The royalty agreements are too complicated. The book will be out by the time we get the agreements done.
CHICAGO
What about a simple agreement, like a journal author form.
McCLANE
That's too simple, we'll probably end up in litigation and the whole project will be lost.
CHICAGO
I don't know what else we can do!
McCLANE
Think, goddamnit! You've been through 15 editions, you have to know another way!
CHICAGO
Well...there is another solution. It's not very common....
McCLANE
Chicago, we are running out of time!
CHICAGO
Use work-made-for-hire agreements for all the contributors.
McCLANE
Work-made-for-higher agreements. Chicago, you're a genius!
CHICAGO
And McClane? When you're done, please kill me. Before I bore myself to death.
- Grab the nearest book (Penthouse Forum doesn't count unless it's The Best of)
- Turn to page 123
- Look for the fifth sentence
- Post the three sentences that follow that sentence
All such agreements, though, need to be modified to reflect the particular allocation of responsibilities between editor and contributors. Alternatively, in appropriate circumstances, publishers can use simpler forms (such as that in fig. 4.3), closer in style to journal author forms (see fig. 4.2). Finally, it is possible to use work-made-for-hire agreements for all these persons, although that is the least common solution.That exciting passage is from The Chicago Manual of Style, 15th Edition. This illustrates why 1 in 1.7 editors at the Chicago Manual commit suicide, usually by slicing their wrists with razor-sharp ZZZZZZs.
Since this passage is a bit, shall we say, legal, I've taken the liberty of rewriting it in exciting action form. This is from Write Hard 5: Just Write Already, starring Bruce Willis as editor John McClane and the Chicago Manual of Style as Chicago
CHICAGO
Okay, McClane, you have to modify the agreement to reflect the particular allocation of responsibilities between the editor and the contributors.
MCCLANE
Damn it, Chicago, there's no time for that. The royalty agreements are too complicated. The book will be out by the time we get the agreements done.
CHICAGO
What about a simple agreement, like a journal author form.
McCLANE
That's too simple, we'll probably end up in litigation and the whole project will be lost.
CHICAGO
I don't know what else we can do!
McCLANE
Think, goddamnit! You've been through 15 editions, you have to know another way!
CHICAGO
Well...there is another solution. It's not very common....
McCLANE
Chicago, we are running out of time!
CHICAGO
Use work-made-for-hire agreements for all the contributors.
McCLANE
Work-made-for-higher agreements. Chicago, you're a genius!
CHICAGO
And McClane? When you're done, please kill me. Before I bore myself to death.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Friday Not-So-Random 11
Special Lick My Love Pump Edition
I’m going to break from the random format to give a shout out to friend-of-the-blog Res Publica, el presidente de Republic of Dogs. Res had the Valentine’s Day nightmare of not only having a relationship end, but end because of infidelity.
I am a lucky man because I’ve never had to deal with that kind of breakup. My marriage to The Lovely Becky was arranged by our villages when we were very young, and I am fortunate that I found love in addition to a dowry of goats. But I’ve certainly had my share of the blues, and music provides me the muck to wallow in as well as the rope to pull myself out before I drown. Res already drowned his sorrows 31 times in one playlist, so I thought I’d post my favorite “fuck you” relationship songs out of my collection. Let's face it, most great rock music is about getting screwed over by someone, so it's perfectly suited for these kinds of situations.
1) “Barracuda,” Heart. When I’m feeling bad, I turn to comfort food in addition to music. Most comfort food has lots and lots of cheese—smothered on, backed in, or dipped into. I’ve taken the same approach here. Plus, no other guitar riff in rock history screams lying, cheating sack of shit like this one does.
2) “Take It on the Run,” REO Speedwagon. I really like cheese. And “Time for Me to Fly” is too wussy.
3) “Go Your Own Way,” Fleetwood Mac. The nacho dip is almost gone. Really, what’s more fuck you than writing a song like this about your ex- and having him/her sing backup vocals on it?
4) “Found Out About You,” Gin Blossoms. Usually after gorging on comfort food, I feel a bit guilty and also sad that there’s no more. I’m also still on the mad/sad fault line. This is the song for that moment.
5) “Stupid Thing,” Aimee Mann. Two musicians I would never want to piss off in a relationship: Nick Lowe and Aimee Mann. I would be sliced to death by their couplets. This song provides that moment of introspective anger, the you’re an asshole and I was so dumb for not seeing that moment.
6) “Stop Dragging My Heart Around,” Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Stevie Nicks gets to appear twice because, well, she had to sing back up on her husband’s fuck you song. She’s got more pain than she does lacy dresses and Wiccan spells.
7) “Hopeless,” The Wrens. The it’s not me, it’s you time to turn the tables. A song that manages to sound hopeless and hopeful at the same time. The video really doesn't capture the awesomeness of this song.
8) “Denonair,” The Afghan Whigs. The house band at the House of Relationship Blues.
9) “Bigmouth Strikes Again,” The Smiths. It’s time to take a step back and have a good, black, bitter laugh. What better way to do that than lines like, Sweetness, I was only joking when I said by rights you should be bludgeoned in your bed?
10) “12XU,” Wire. Now is the time on Sprockets where we heal through anger. One of the all-time great fuck off songs. The video link is a little sloppier than the studio version.
11) “Stutter,” Elastica. Since “12XU” is so short, I think we need another dose of fast, in-your-face anger. Bonus points for making fun of the ex’s ability to raise the roof, so to speak. This isn’t boxing, and hitting below the belt is fair game.
12) “Kiss Off,” Violent Femmes. All healing involves 12 steps, so here’s a bonus track and the perfect end for today’s list. It's so immediate and in your face, like you’re hearing this soul-baring anger above the espresso machines of a coffee shop. And you have to love the mid-song top 10. Warning: mullet alert in the video.
I know a dozen songs won’t fix anything, but I hope Res can start to feel better.
Go ahead and add your own kiss off songs in the comments, and as the Belle & Sebastian album says, give us the dirt if you’re feeling sinister.
I’m going to break from the random format to give a shout out to friend-of-the-blog Res Publica, el presidente de Republic of Dogs. Res had the Valentine’s Day nightmare of not only having a relationship end, but end because of infidelity.
I am a lucky man because I’ve never had to deal with that kind of breakup. My marriage to The Lovely Becky was arranged by our villages when we were very young, and I am fortunate that I found love in addition to a dowry of goats. But I’ve certainly had my share of the blues, and music provides me the muck to wallow in as well as the rope to pull myself out before I drown. Res already drowned his sorrows 31 times in one playlist, so I thought I’d post my favorite “fuck you” relationship songs out of my collection. Let's face it, most great rock music is about getting screwed over by someone, so it's perfectly suited for these kinds of situations.
1) “Barracuda,” Heart. When I’m feeling bad, I turn to comfort food in addition to music. Most comfort food has lots and lots of cheese—smothered on, backed in, or dipped into. I’ve taken the same approach here. Plus, no other guitar riff in rock history screams lying, cheating sack of shit like this one does.
2) “Take It on the Run,” REO Speedwagon. I really like cheese. And “Time for Me to Fly” is too wussy.
3) “Go Your Own Way,” Fleetwood Mac. The nacho dip is almost gone. Really, what’s more fuck you than writing a song like this about your ex- and having him/her sing backup vocals on it?
4) “Found Out About You,” Gin Blossoms. Usually after gorging on comfort food, I feel a bit guilty and also sad that there’s no more. I’m also still on the mad/sad fault line. This is the song for that moment.
5) “Stupid Thing,” Aimee Mann. Two musicians I would never want to piss off in a relationship: Nick Lowe and Aimee Mann. I would be sliced to death by their couplets. This song provides that moment of introspective anger, the you’re an asshole and I was so dumb for not seeing that moment.
6) “Stop Dragging My Heart Around,” Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Stevie Nicks gets to appear twice because, well, she had to sing back up on her husband’s fuck you song. She’s got more pain than she does lacy dresses and Wiccan spells.
7) “Hopeless,” The Wrens. The it’s not me, it’s you time to turn the tables. A song that manages to sound hopeless and hopeful at the same time. The video really doesn't capture the awesomeness of this song.
8) “Denonair,” The Afghan Whigs. The house band at the House of Relationship Blues.
9) “Bigmouth Strikes Again,” The Smiths. It’s time to take a step back and have a good, black, bitter laugh. What better way to do that than lines like, Sweetness, I was only joking when I said by rights you should be bludgeoned in your bed?
10) “12XU,” Wire. Now is the time on Sprockets where we heal through anger. One of the all-time great fuck off songs. The video link is a little sloppier than the studio version.
11) “Stutter,” Elastica. Since “12XU” is so short, I think we need another dose of fast, in-your-face anger. Bonus points for making fun of the ex’s ability to raise the roof, so to speak. This isn’t boxing, and hitting below the belt is fair game.
12) “Kiss Off,” Violent Femmes. All healing involves 12 steps, so here’s a bonus track and the perfect end for today’s list. It's so immediate and in your face, like you’re hearing this soul-baring anger above the espresso machines of a coffee shop. And you have to love the mid-song top 10. Warning: mullet alert in the video.
I know a dozen songs won’t fix anything, but I hope Res can start to feel better.
Go ahead and add your own kiss off songs in the comments, and as the Belle & Sebastian album says, give us the dirt if you’re feeling sinister.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Top Ten Tuesdays: What's holding us back?
10) Constant scratching when delivering newscast.
9) Being only woman in history not to get a bump from presence of Bill Clinton.
8) Restraining order (for now).
7) Inability to hit home runs without aid of Mexican pharmaceuticals.
6) The original drummer.
5) Ability to walk a straight line to receive Grammy.
4) Excessive bra hooks.
3) The Cerberus of Fame: Simon, Paula, and Randy.
2) Thinking about baseball.
1) Campaign image that reminds many female voters of the gruff father whose love they futilely sought but never received, sending them running toward a series of tragic sexual relationships in a quest for affection, until they finally learned to accept themselves without the need for outside affirmation/Old man smell (tie).
9) Being only woman in history not to get a bump from presence of Bill Clinton.
8) Restraining order (for now).
7) Inability to hit home runs without aid of Mexican pharmaceuticals.
6) The original drummer.
5) Ability to walk a straight line to receive Grammy.
4) Excessive bra hooks.
3) The Cerberus of Fame: Simon, Paula, and Randy.
2) Thinking about baseball.
1) Campaign image that reminds many female voters of the gruff father whose love they futilely sought but never received, sending them running toward a series of tragic sexual relationships in a quest for affection, until they finally learned to accept themselves without the need for outside affirmation/Old man smell (tie).
Friday, February 08, 2008
We're ordering a full season of TBD episodes
The Lovely Becky and I had a big test in our planned parenthood today: a 4D ultrasound of TBD. This was the test that could reveal a lot of Very Scary Things, and because of our history with procreation, we were proactively scared ourselves.
Our local hospital/trading post lacks 4D ultrasound capabilities (most of the moose and beaver do not have the required health insurance for it), so we had to travel out of state for the procedure. Our doctor was a white-haired, mustached German man who looked a bit like Blue from Old School. He talked with us about the procedure, and let us know that if TBD checked out okay today, TBD would likely check out of Hotel Womb okay this coming June.
Dr. Blue fired up the machine and showed us the pictures of TBD. Until now, most of the ultrasound images of TBD have looked like a cross between a Rorschach test and some variation of Cthulhu. In fact, just based on the previous images, if my child turned out to be an elder god with an octopus head who planned to destroy all humanity, I wouldn't have been surprised. Today, however, my child looked like a child. I could make out all kinds of features and see that TBD did not have an octopus head. That was a relief.
Rather than just do the pedestrian task of telling two overly nervous expectant parents that their child was fine, Dr. Blue decided to quiz us on developmental biology. "What is this black spot here?" he asked.
My inner monologue began to scream, OMG, IS IT CANCER?!! HOW CAN A FETUS HAVE CANCER?!!! TBD HASN'T EVEN STARTED SMOKING YET!!!
"The stomach?" TLB answered.
"Good. And we can see that the stomach is just fine," Dr. Blue replied before I could ask if it was stomach cancer.
The Q&A continued during the whole ultrasound. To be fair, Dr. Blue didn't know that my brief career as a pre-med student had lasted until my first chemistry midterm freshman year of college, when I got a grade low enough that I would be unable to go to a medical school in North America. He did not know that, while I provide a detailed summary of the major movie roles of Arnold Schwarzenegger, I could not tell him the basic purpose of each valve of the heart other than "to pump blood." He would let me hang myself with wrong answers until a) TLB gave the correct answer or b) we both demonstrated that we were products of the American educational system and just wanted to know if our child would have a promising career in sideshow entertainment.
All of his answers added up to healthy baby. No cancer, no deformities, no talons or leathery bat wings. TBD passed the test with flying colors.
Of course, this was a 4D ultrasound, which is supposed to provide 3D pictures of the baby. "This process can produce some spectacular images," Dr. Blue said, "if the baby cooperates." Which TBD refused to do. Every time Dr. Blue tried to capture a 3D image, our child would move or otherwise thwart him. The doctor managed to snap four blurry photos which looked could have been our baby's face or the image of Elvis. We faced teenage rebellion before TBD's first birthday.
"I know we're going to get ours on the back end," I said to TLB. "Everything will be fine, and then we'll hit teenage years and deal with drinking and sneaking out of the house."
"Or worse," TLB said, "our child will be a Republican."
Maybe the octopus head wouldn't be so bad after all.
Our local hospital/trading post lacks 4D ultrasound capabilities (most of the moose and beaver do not have the required health insurance for it), so we had to travel out of state for the procedure. Our doctor was a white-haired, mustached German man who looked a bit like Blue from Old School. He talked with us about the procedure, and let us know that if TBD checked out okay today, TBD would likely check out of Hotel Womb okay this coming June.
Dr. Blue fired up the machine and showed us the pictures of TBD. Until now, most of the ultrasound images of TBD have looked like a cross between a Rorschach test and some variation of Cthulhu. In fact, just based on the previous images, if my child turned out to be an elder god with an octopus head who planned to destroy all humanity, I wouldn't have been surprised. Today, however, my child looked like a child. I could make out all kinds of features and see that TBD did not have an octopus head. That was a relief.
Rather than just do the pedestrian task of telling two overly nervous expectant parents that their child was fine, Dr. Blue decided to quiz us on developmental biology. "What is this black spot here?" he asked.
My inner monologue began to scream, OMG, IS IT CANCER?!! HOW CAN A FETUS HAVE CANCER?!!! TBD HASN'T EVEN STARTED SMOKING YET!!!
"The stomach?" TLB answered.
"Good. And we can see that the stomach is just fine," Dr. Blue replied before I could ask if it was stomach cancer.
The Q&A continued during the whole ultrasound. To be fair, Dr. Blue didn't know that my brief career as a pre-med student had lasted until my first chemistry midterm freshman year of college, when I got a grade low enough that I would be unable to go to a medical school in North America. He did not know that, while I provide a detailed summary of the major movie roles of Arnold Schwarzenegger, I could not tell him the basic purpose of each valve of the heart other than "to pump blood." He would let me hang myself with wrong answers until a) TLB gave the correct answer or b) we both demonstrated that we were products of the American educational system and just wanted to know if our child would have a promising career in sideshow entertainment.
All of his answers added up to healthy baby. No cancer, no deformities, no talons or leathery bat wings. TBD passed the test with flying colors.
Of course, this was a 4D ultrasound, which is supposed to provide 3D pictures of the baby. "This process can produce some spectacular images," Dr. Blue said, "if the baby cooperates." Which TBD refused to do. Every time Dr. Blue tried to capture a 3D image, our child would move or otherwise thwart him. The doctor managed to snap four blurry photos which looked could have been our baby's face or the image of Elvis. We faced teenage rebellion before TBD's first birthday.
"I know we're going to get ours on the back end," I said to TLB. "Everything will be fine, and then we'll hit teenage years and deal with drinking and sneaking out of the house."
"Or worse," TLB said, "our child will be a Republican."
Maybe the octopus head wouldn't be so bad after all.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Super Top Ten Tuesday: What last-minute campaigning are we doing?
Special extended media humping edition!
20) Demonstrating fitness to be Commander-in-Chief by going commando.
19) Playing saxophone on Arsenio Hall’s street corner.
18) Strengthening conservative credentials by offering gay, immigrant abortion doctor as a sacrifice to a non-denominational Judeo-Christian deity.
17) Constructing assembly line full of kissable babies.
16) Cancelling endorsement from “Super Bowl-winning quarterback Tom Brady.”
15) Using Ouija board to channel endorsement from Ronald Reagan/John F. Kennedy.
14) Offering all foreclosed homeowners discounted military housing with qualified enlistment.
13) Showing we’re a candidate Americans can have a beer with by going on multi-state pub crawl.
12) Stimulating the economy and promoting family values by offering tax deductions on marital aid purchases.
11) Stressing our acting credentials to California voters.
10) [Your own Top Ten Tuesday entry available with Gold-Level campaign donation.]
9) Vowing to get tough on crime by arresting most of our major fundraisers.
8) Proving that we’re not too old to handle the rigors of being...of being...uh...just a minute, it’ll come to us.
7) Taking urine test on The Situation Room to prove we’re steroid free.
6) Illustrating that we’re in touch with America’s youth by shouting “Wazzup!” at every campaign stop.
5) Promising universal access to Hannah Montana concert tickets.
4) Stripping to the waist and offering to bare-knuckle box Obama for the Democratic nomination.
3) Grabbing last-minute Republican votes by reaching under the stall.
2) Two words: Oprah, bitches!
1) Stressing liberal credentials by supporting a progressive agenda that promises to make America more fair and equitable....just kidding, who wants free schwag from our corporate sponsors?
20) Demonstrating fitness to be Commander-in-Chief by going commando.
19) Playing saxophone on Arsenio Hall’s street corner.
18) Strengthening conservative credentials by offering gay, immigrant abortion doctor as a sacrifice to a non-denominational Judeo-Christian deity.
17) Constructing assembly line full of kissable babies.
16) Cancelling endorsement from “Super Bowl-winning quarterback Tom Brady.”
15) Using Ouija board to channel endorsement from Ronald Reagan/John F. Kennedy.
14) Offering all foreclosed homeowners discounted military housing with qualified enlistment.
13) Showing we’re a candidate Americans can have a beer with by going on multi-state pub crawl.
12) Stimulating the economy and promoting family values by offering tax deductions on marital aid purchases.
11) Stressing our acting credentials to California voters.
10) [Your own Top Ten Tuesday entry available with Gold-Level campaign donation.]
9) Vowing to get tough on crime by arresting most of our major fundraisers.
8) Proving that we’re not too old to handle the rigors of being...of being...uh...just a minute, it’ll come to us.
7) Taking urine test on The Situation Room to prove we’re steroid free.
6) Illustrating that we’re in touch with America’s youth by shouting “Wazzup!” at every campaign stop.
5) Promising universal access to Hannah Montana concert tickets.
4) Stripping to the waist and offering to bare-knuckle box Obama for the Democratic nomination.
3) Grabbing last-minute Republican votes by reaching under the stall.
2) Two words: Oprah, bitches!
1) Stressing liberal credentials by supporting a progressive agenda that promises to make America more fair and equitable....just kidding, who wants free schwag from our corporate sponsors?
Friday, February 01, 2008
Friday CJ Random 11
It's one more random than 10!
The Lovely Becky and I were supposed to go to New York City this week. She had a conference to attend, and I was going to take advantage of the free hotel room and do some urban frolicking. Sadly, Old Man Winter, who looks like Dick Cheney but not quite as white, blew his nose on us and screwed up the flight schedules so much that we had to cancel the trip. I was disappointed, but the weather here was so windy and shitty that I wasn’t looking forward to getting on the Buddy Holly planes that serve us here. As I told TLB, I would rather die on the way back from New York than on the way to it.
On to the tunes.
1) “Johnny Feelgood,” Liz Phair. A twisted little love song where Phair sings about the title character knocking her around and how she likes it. It doesn’t help that it’s catchy.
2) “If You Love Somebody Set Them Free,” Sting. Time for jazz hands. I really didn’t like Dream of the Blue Turtles when it first came out—it wasn’t exactly suited to my 16-year-old air-guitaring sensibilities—but now it’s the only Sting solo album I really enjoy. I know it’s Wonder Bread jazz and so 80s you can practically smell the Drakkar Noir, but Sting was still on his songwriting A-game when he did this. It helps that he delivers one of his best vocal performances.
3) “After the Dolphin,” Crosby, Stills, Nash, and (maybe) Young. Eighties message music at its worst. It smushes two great tastes—peace and environmentalism—into a polished turd sandwich of clichés and bad production. I’m not sure if Neil performed on this, but if he did, he probably won’t ‘fess up to it.
Speaking of 80s anti-war stuff, I watched The Day After on the Sci-Fi Channel the other night. I hadn’t seen it since it aired. I was fascinated by nuclear war as a teenager, and I used to have recurring nightmares when I was a kid that I was a survivor after a nuclear war. I’m sure those of you who grew up in the 80s remember the promos—this was Event television that would Change the World. The problem is, I had already seen a terrifying, utterly bleak BBC nuclear war movie called Threads (warning: graphic and disturbing clip from the movie), which was probably the source of the nightmares in the first place. Threads made The Day After look about as real as The Day After Tomorrow. Still, I have to hand it to ABC for running The Day After during the height of the Reagan American tongue bath. It pulls punches on the effect of nuclear war, it’s chock full of stereotypes and movie-of-the-week acting, but it’s still got some cajones. The images of the missiles launching still creeps me out.
4) “One Thing Lead to Another,” The Fixx. It’s just an 80s dance party here a CJSD 101.1, your home for classic snark. Could you imagine if this had played during the closing credits to The Day After?
5) “72 (This Highway’s Mean),” Drive-By Truckers. From their Skynyrd concept album, Southern Rock Opera. It’s got a lot of Alabama in it without sounding like the band Alabama.
6) “Wishful Thinking,” Wilco. Jeff Tweedy sings, Where would we be without wishful thinking? I’ll tell you where—without Bush in the office, without being in Iraq, without thinking we could afford all those mortgages, with elected representatives who would actually act in our interests and not cede their power to a runaway executive office...Am I buggin’ you? I didn’t mean to bug ya. Ok, Jeff, play the blues.
7) “Cheapskates,” The Clash. Even B-list Clash songs kick the crap out of most group’s A-list stuff.
8) “Shock the Monkey,” Peter Gabriel. Good Lord, one more song from this decade and I’m going to have to tight roll my pants and don my skinny white leather tie that I could never bear to throw away.
9) “Polythene Pam,” The Beatles. It’s a shame this song is only 1:20 long, because the lads really rock out here. Ringo in particular plays like he spent the weekend with Keith Moon.
10) “Saint Simon,” The Shins. Picture-perfect pop music. Shiny and happy music combined with regretful and sad lyrics.
11) “Shoplifters of the World Unite,” The Smiths. (warning: graphic Morrisey gyrations)Since the iPod is reminiscing and I’m in a sharing mood, here’s a peek at early 1987 Brando (version 1.6) when this song was released:
Hair: Short hair and combed to one side, but with a little bit of spikiness. Held in place with enough Dep for MacGyver to make several plastic explosives.
Clothes: Blue Sperry Topsiders, no socks, white Bugle Boy cargo pants (tight rolled at the ankles), pink-and-gray striped shirt, and an acid washed Levi’s jean jacket with the collar turned up. Sporting black Ray-Ban Wayfarers if it was sunny and/or I was trying to be cool.
Rolling in: A brown-and-tan Volkswagen Vanagon that was definitely not used for any illegal, immoral, or inappropriate activities.
Listening to: 1987 was the BC/AD year of my musical tastes. I was just expanding my metal/classic rock/MTV listening with stuff like The Cure and New Order. Having said that, unless I was wearing the Wayfarers and had people in the Vanagon, I was probably cranking Rush. Some things never change.
Comedy routine: Classic class clown with a bit of Monty Python flair. Here’s a typical example—in my religion class (Catholic high school), the nun teaching us had us gather in a circle and talk about what we did for Easter. I went last out of about 30 kids. They all said the same stuff—go to grandma’s, go to church, eat candy, and so on. I did my best deadpan as I described that we recreated the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus, with my parents tying me to a cross for three hours on Friday and then sticking me in a box until Sunday. Some things never change.
Lovely Becky status: Still hadn’t found what I was looking for. But I would later that year, ironically while playing Rush.
So there you have it. Enjoy your weekend, and I hope some of you can stay warm.
The Lovely Becky and I were supposed to go to New York City this week. She had a conference to attend, and I was going to take advantage of the free hotel room and do some urban frolicking. Sadly, Old Man Winter, who looks like Dick Cheney but not quite as white, blew his nose on us and screwed up the flight schedules so much that we had to cancel the trip. I was disappointed, but the weather here was so windy and shitty that I wasn’t looking forward to getting on the Buddy Holly planes that serve us here. As I told TLB, I would rather die on the way back from New York than on the way to it.
On to the tunes.
1) “Johnny Feelgood,” Liz Phair. A twisted little love song where Phair sings about the title character knocking her around and how she likes it. It doesn’t help that it’s catchy.
2) “If You Love Somebody Set Them Free,” Sting. Time for jazz hands. I really didn’t like Dream of the Blue Turtles when it first came out—it wasn’t exactly suited to my 16-year-old air-guitaring sensibilities—but now it’s the only Sting solo album I really enjoy. I know it’s Wonder Bread jazz and so 80s you can practically smell the Drakkar Noir, but Sting was still on his songwriting A-game when he did this. It helps that he delivers one of his best vocal performances.
3) “After the Dolphin,” Crosby, Stills, Nash, and (maybe) Young. Eighties message music at its worst. It smushes two great tastes—peace and environmentalism—into a polished turd sandwich of clichés and bad production. I’m not sure if Neil performed on this, but if he did, he probably won’t ‘fess up to it.
Speaking of 80s anti-war stuff, I watched The Day After on the Sci-Fi Channel the other night. I hadn’t seen it since it aired. I was fascinated by nuclear war as a teenager, and I used to have recurring nightmares when I was a kid that I was a survivor after a nuclear war. I’m sure those of you who grew up in the 80s remember the promos—this was Event television that would Change the World. The problem is, I had already seen a terrifying, utterly bleak BBC nuclear war movie called Threads (warning: graphic and disturbing clip from the movie), which was probably the source of the nightmares in the first place. Threads made The Day After look about as real as The Day After Tomorrow. Still, I have to hand it to ABC for running The Day After during the height of the Reagan American tongue bath. It pulls punches on the effect of nuclear war, it’s chock full of stereotypes and movie-of-the-week acting, but it’s still got some cajones. The images of the missiles launching still creeps me out.
4) “One Thing Lead to Another,” The Fixx. It’s just an 80s dance party here a CJSD 101.1, your home for classic snark. Could you imagine if this had played during the closing credits to The Day After?
5) “72 (This Highway’s Mean),” Drive-By Truckers. From their Skynyrd concept album, Southern Rock Opera. It’s got a lot of Alabama in it without sounding like the band Alabama.
6) “Wishful Thinking,” Wilco. Jeff Tweedy sings, Where would we be without wishful thinking? I’ll tell you where—without Bush in the office, without being in Iraq, without thinking we could afford all those mortgages, with elected representatives who would actually act in our interests and not cede their power to a runaway executive office...Am I buggin’ you? I didn’t mean to bug ya. Ok, Jeff, play the blues.
7) “Cheapskates,” The Clash. Even B-list Clash songs kick the crap out of most group’s A-list stuff.
8) “Shock the Monkey,” Peter Gabriel. Good Lord, one more song from this decade and I’m going to have to tight roll my pants and don my skinny white leather tie that I could never bear to throw away.
9) “Polythene Pam,” The Beatles. It’s a shame this song is only 1:20 long, because the lads really rock out here. Ringo in particular plays like he spent the weekend with Keith Moon.
10) “Saint Simon,” The Shins. Picture-perfect pop music. Shiny and happy music combined with regretful and sad lyrics.
11) “Shoplifters of the World Unite,” The Smiths. (warning: graphic Morrisey gyrations)Since the iPod is reminiscing and I’m in a sharing mood, here’s a peek at early 1987 Brando (version 1.6) when this song was released:
Hair: Short hair and combed to one side, but with a little bit of spikiness. Held in place with enough Dep for MacGyver to make several plastic explosives.
Clothes: Blue Sperry Topsiders, no socks, white Bugle Boy cargo pants (tight rolled at the ankles), pink-and-gray striped shirt, and an acid washed Levi’s jean jacket with the collar turned up. Sporting black Ray-Ban Wayfarers if it was sunny and/or I was trying to be cool.
Rolling in: A brown-and-tan Volkswagen Vanagon that was definitely not used for any illegal, immoral, or inappropriate activities.
Listening to: 1987 was the BC/AD year of my musical tastes. I was just expanding my metal/classic rock/MTV listening with stuff like The Cure and New Order. Having said that, unless I was wearing the Wayfarers and had people in the Vanagon, I was probably cranking Rush. Some things never change.
Comedy routine: Classic class clown with a bit of Monty Python flair. Here’s a typical example—in my religion class (Catholic high school), the nun teaching us had us gather in a circle and talk about what we did for Easter. I went last out of about 30 kids. They all said the same stuff—go to grandma’s, go to church, eat candy, and so on. I did my best deadpan as I described that we recreated the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus, with my parents tying me to a cross for three hours on Friday and then sticking me in a box until Sunday. Some things never change.
Lovely Becky status: Still hadn’t found what I was looking for. But I would later that year, ironically while playing Rush.
So there you have it. Enjoy your weekend, and I hope some of you can stay warm.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Top Ten Tuesdays: What did we learn during the State of the Union?
Special extended applause edition!*
12) Iran has been trying to obtain large quantities of secret herbs and spices from a “Colonel Sanders.”
11) Economic stimulus is like male arousal: the more pressure you apply, the less likely it is to happen.
10) The Iraq surge would be working even better if it was electrical.
9) Tax hikes make Baby Jesus cry tears made out of Bambi’s blood.
8) North Korea has been all cleared up since we applied that pimple stuff Jessica Simpson sells.
7) From now on, the Verizon guy will be wearing a trench coat and carrying a black bag.
6) Opportunities to travel abroad and see exciting action are the highest they’ve been in 40 years.
5) The writer’s strike caused this year’s State of the Union to be mostly repeats.
4) “Bombing Iran” is on Vice President Cheney’s bucket list.
3) Those who can’t do, veto.
2) We actually still have a president in the White House.
1) That we’re going to lose one of our greatest resources of unintentional comedy next year.
*Billy Pilgrim, this means you should start at #13
12) Iran has been trying to obtain large quantities of secret herbs and spices from a “Colonel Sanders.”
11) Economic stimulus is like male arousal: the more pressure you apply, the less likely it is to happen.
10) The Iraq surge would be working even better if it was electrical.
9) Tax hikes make Baby Jesus cry tears made out of Bambi’s blood.
8) North Korea has been all cleared up since we applied that pimple stuff Jessica Simpson sells.
7) From now on, the Verizon guy will be wearing a trench coat and carrying a black bag.
6) Opportunities to travel abroad and see exciting action are the highest they’ve been in 40 years.
5) The writer’s strike caused this year’s State of the Union to be mostly repeats.
4) “Bombing Iran” is on Vice President Cheney’s bucket list.
3) Those who can’t do, veto.
2) We actually still have a president in the White House.
1) That we’re going to lose one of our greatest resources of unintentional comedy next year.
*Billy Pilgrim, this means you should start at #13
Monday, January 28, 2008
John Gibson's to-do list
X Piss on someone’s grave. (don’t forget to shake)
X Kick a puppy.
X Keep watching Brokeback Mountain and punching crotch every time it moves until it learns to stop moving at the sight of Jake’s supple buttocks and Heath’s —OWWW!
X Masturbate to videos of white women giving birth. (make sure that Mexican housekeeper cleans up the stains this time)
X Drop washers into a blind beggar’s cup. (no giggling when he thanks us)
X Check fine print on contract to see if there’s any way to get soul back from Satan.
X Discuss how a Boston/New York Super Bowl is another manifestation of the gay agenda. (launch undercover investigation of role of tight ends—OWWW!)
X Develop new, innovative ways to deliver backhanded racism to blacks. (remember, inner voice=colored, outer voice=black)
X Ask crippled guy in wheelchair to get something off the top shelf for us. (think of good FDR joke)
X Take extra laxitives to generate enough material for The Big Lead. (remember to remove pants before "producing" show)
X Enter Ed Begley, Jr. look-alike contest. (try to look like less of a pedophile this time)
X Audition for role of evil albino in DaVinci Code 2. (try to look less evil this time)
X Call Osama bin Laden to find out exactly how he feels about a Democratic political victory. (and beg him again for another 9/11)
X Boil Sean Hannity’s rabbit because he broke it off with me. (and keep punching crotch until we no longer want him—OWWW!)
X Scrub Rupert Murdoch’s balls until I can see my reflection. (give them a spit shine this time.)
Write another book about how liberals are the one’s destroying Christ’s message.
X Kick a puppy.
X Keep watching Brokeback Mountain and punching crotch every time it moves until it learns to stop moving at the sight of Jake’s supple buttocks and Heath’s —OWWW!
X Masturbate to videos of white women giving birth. (make sure that Mexican housekeeper cleans up the stains this time)
X Drop washers into a blind beggar’s cup. (no giggling when he thanks us)
X Check fine print on contract to see if there’s any way to get soul back from Satan.
X Discuss how a Boston/New York Super Bowl is another manifestation of the gay agenda. (launch undercover investigation of role of tight ends—OWWW!)
X Develop new, innovative ways to deliver backhanded racism to blacks. (remember, inner voice=colored, outer voice=black)
X Ask crippled guy in wheelchair to get something off the top shelf for us. (think of good FDR joke)
X Take extra laxitives to generate enough material for The Big Lead. (remember to remove pants before "producing" show)
X Enter Ed Begley, Jr. look-alike contest. (try to look like less of a pedophile this time)
X Audition for role of evil albino in DaVinci Code 2. (try to look less evil this time)
X Call Osama bin Laden to find out exactly how he feels about a Democratic political victory. (and beg him again for another 9/11)
X Boil Sean Hannity’s rabbit because he broke it off with me. (and keep punching crotch until we no longer want him—OWWW!)
X Scrub Rupert Murdoch’s balls until I can see my reflection. (give them a spit shine this time.)
Write another book about how liberals are the one’s destroying Christ’s message.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Friday CJ Random 11
It’s one more random than 10!
I learned this week that married couples who fight tend to live longer—assuming that they don’t get run over or shot or set on fire during said fight. This means The Lovely Becky and I are screwed. We really don’t fight. It’s mostly because we’re so close to being the same person that it seems pointless. I may as well get into an argument with my reflection. Here’s one example: TLB went upstairs last night to crawl in bed and watch TV. I seized the opportunity to play some Rock Band, and pretty soon was thwack-thwack-thwacking away on the plastic drums. After about a half hour, I heard TLB come downstairs. “Sorry,” I said, “is that totally loud and obnoxious?”
“It’s loud, but it doesn’t bother me,” she said. “I wasn’t coming down here to yell at you, so go ahead and play.”
She heard me playing toy drums to Iron Maiden and wasn't bothered by it. That’s true love right there. It also means we’ll be dead by 50, run over while holding hands by a guy in an SUV fleeing his wife as she pursues him while firing at him with a gun. They will of course live to be 90.
1) “The Ship Song,” Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. Classic sad song. It could be used as a montage of men about to charge into battle, yelling in super-slow-mo as sabers rattle and cannons explode, or for that part in a John Cusack romantic comedy where he realizes he’s been a twat and should settle down with the girl he left. That’s flexibility.
2) “Black Sabbath,” Black Sabbath. One of those first songs on a first album that foreshadows everything you need to know about a band’s career, from forging an entirely new genre of music to being too goofy to sustain for long without looking cartoonish (see also: Danzig, dilemma of being shirtless and wearing Goth eyeliner when 50 and).
3) “Rat Fink,” The Misfits. Okay, that was spooky. It’s like I said Danzig’s name and he appeared. Hmm, let me try this: Selma Hayek Selma Hayek Selma Hayek? Anyone? Poop. I’ll try a more traditional one: Beelzebub Beelzebub Beelzebub. Aw, fuck, now my office is full of flies and a demonic shadowy presence. Excuse me while I open a window and fetch my Rite of Exorcism.
4) “Love on the Rocks With No Ice,” The Darkness. Great, now my iPod is possessed with shit. The Darkness tried to combine AC/DC riffs with Freddy Mercury theatricality. They occasionally succeeded. This, however, is like Freddy Mercury’s mustache playing guitar in a schoolboy outfit that’s three sizes too small. Horrifyingly amusing.
5) “Don’t Know,” The Dodgers. That’s better. I love when Latin incantations and holy water work. The Dodgers are one of my best finds from the great 2007 Summer of Raiding Record Collections. Classic 70s power pop, all shimmery like the Southern California sky when the wind picks up enough to blow the smog toward Barstow. Not easy to find as I think this is long out of print, but worth seeking if you like groups like Big Star.
6) “Daft Punk Is Playing in My House,” LCD Soundsystem. Booty-shaking. Worth it for the bass line alone.
7) “My Rights Versus Yours,” The New Pornographers. The modern masters of guitar-based pop music. They always find the right blend of catchy and quirky, so you’re humming along because you want to, not because some insidious We-Built-This-City musical code has been downloaded into your brain.
8) “Little Doll,” The Stooges. Really captures the transition from the 60s to 70s punk. The guitar solo is all acid-trip Jefferson Airplane squealing, but the beat and attitude are all Ramones. So far the exorcism is holding up.
9) “Columbia,” Oasis. I was watching The Seven Stages of Rock on VH1 Classic (a great series to catch if it’s still running), and the last stage was on British indie bands from the 90s. They interviewed guitarist Noel Gallagher of Oasis, he of the Bert unibrow. And while he spent some of the time talking about the band and their music, he spent a lot of it talking about how much money they made and being filmed driving a Bentley. It was like a blueprint of how to be a Giant Rock Cock, and not in the funny cucumber-in-aluminum-foil way.
I have nothing against rock stars or other artists getting rich. I’d rather see someone who produces art for a living make money than someone like Donald Trump. But when you’re a rock and roller, you’re supposed to crash that Bentley into a pool or into the Playboy Mansion or choke to death on your own vomit in it. You’re supposed to at least pretend that you have contempt for your own wealth. If you instead act like the point of making music is to make money so you can buy more Bentleys, then you’re just Donald Trump with a guitar around your neck. Or in other words, Gene Simmons. But despite all that, this song does rock, and I forgive much because of rock.
10) “All Systems Red,” Calexico. Maybe you’ve seen those Christian rock commercials, where all the white people and the one Photoshopped black person stand enraptured while listening to groups that sound like Lava-soaped Nickelback bleat about higher powers and giving unto him and other squishy spiritual clichés that make this genre so Ned Flanders. Well, this Calexico songs triggers that rapturous feeling without having to sing about The Rapture. It starts out quiet and slowly builds to a towering crescendo of guitars and vocals that I actually feel on my skin. It’s the kind of music I hope I hear in heaven or at least catch a few notes of while on a smoke break in hell.
11) “Superhero,” Jane’s Addiction. Works much better as the theme music to Entourage than as a song, because as theme music it means it will lead to something entertaining, instead of remaining a four-minute reminder of why Jane’s Addiction should have stayed broken up.
Have a great weekend.
I learned this week that married couples who fight tend to live longer—assuming that they don’t get run over or shot or set on fire during said fight. This means The Lovely Becky and I are screwed. We really don’t fight. It’s mostly because we’re so close to being the same person that it seems pointless. I may as well get into an argument with my reflection. Here’s one example: TLB went upstairs last night to crawl in bed and watch TV. I seized the opportunity to play some Rock Band, and pretty soon was thwack-thwack-thwacking away on the plastic drums. After about a half hour, I heard TLB come downstairs. “Sorry,” I said, “is that totally loud and obnoxious?”
“It’s loud, but it doesn’t bother me,” she said. “I wasn’t coming down here to yell at you, so go ahead and play.”
She heard me playing toy drums to Iron Maiden and wasn't bothered by it. That’s true love right there. It also means we’ll be dead by 50, run over while holding hands by a guy in an SUV fleeing his wife as she pursues him while firing at him with a gun. They will of course live to be 90.
1) “The Ship Song,” Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. Classic sad song. It could be used as a montage of men about to charge into battle, yelling in super-slow-mo as sabers rattle and cannons explode, or for that part in a John Cusack romantic comedy where he realizes he’s been a twat and should settle down with the girl he left. That’s flexibility.
2) “Black Sabbath,” Black Sabbath. One of those first songs on a first album that foreshadows everything you need to know about a band’s career, from forging an entirely new genre of music to being too goofy to sustain for long without looking cartoonish (see also: Danzig, dilemma of being shirtless and wearing Goth eyeliner when 50 and).
3) “Rat Fink,” The Misfits. Okay, that was spooky. It’s like I said Danzig’s name and he appeared. Hmm, let me try this: Selma Hayek Selma Hayek Selma Hayek? Anyone? Poop. I’ll try a more traditional one: Beelzebub Beelzebub Beelzebub. Aw, fuck, now my office is full of flies and a demonic shadowy presence. Excuse me while I open a window and fetch my Rite of Exorcism.
4) “Love on the Rocks With No Ice,” The Darkness. Great, now my iPod is possessed with shit. The Darkness tried to combine AC/DC riffs with Freddy Mercury theatricality. They occasionally succeeded. This, however, is like Freddy Mercury’s mustache playing guitar in a schoolboy outfit that’s three sizes too small. Horrifyingly amusing.
5) “Don’t Know,” The Dodgers. That’s better. I love when Latin incantations and holy water work. The Dodgers are one of my best finds from the great 2007 Summer of Raiding Record Collections. Classic 70s power pop, all shimmery like the Southern California sky when the wind picks up enough to blow the smog toward Barstow. Not easy to find as I think this is long out of print, but worth seeking if you like groups like Big Star.
6) “Daft Punk Is Playing in My House,” LCD Soundsystem. Booty-shaking. Worth it for the bass line alone.
7) “My Rights Versus Yours,” The New Pornographers. The modern masters of guitar-based pop music. They always find the right blend of catchy and quirky, so you’re humming along because you want to, not because some insidious We-Built-This-City musical code has been downloaded into your brain.
8) “Little Doll,” The Stooges. Really captures the transition from the 60s to 70s punk. The guitar solo is all acid-trip Jefferson Airplane squealing, but the beat and attitude are all Ramones. So far the exorcism is holding up.
9) “Columbia,” Oasis. I was watching The Seven Stages of Rock on VH1 Classic (a great series to catch if it’s still running), and the last stage was on British indie bands from the 90s. They interviewed guitarist Noel Gallagher of Oasis, he of the Bert unibrow. And while he spent some of the time talking about the band and their music, he spent a lot of it talking about how much money they made and being filmed driving a Bentley. It was like a blueprint of how to be a Giant Rock Cock, and not in the funny cucumber-in-aluminum-foil way.
I have nothing against rock stars or other artists getting rich. I’d rather see someone who produces art for a living make money than someone like Donald Trump. But when you’re a rock and roller, you’re supposed to crash that Bentley into a pool or into the Playboy Mansion or choke to death on your own vomit in it. You’re supposed to at least pretend that you have contempt for your own wealth. If you instead act like the point of making music is to make money so you can buy more Bentleys, then you’re just Donald Trump with a guitar around your neck. Or in other words, Gene Simmons. But despite all that, this song does rock, and I forgive much because of rock.
10) “All Systems Red,” Calexico. Maybe you’ve seen those Christian rock commercials, where all the white people and the one Photoshopped black person stand enraptured while listening to groups that sound like Lava-soaped Nickelback bleat about higher powers and giving unto him and other squishy spiritual clichés that make this genre so Ned Flanders. Well, this Calexico songs triggers that rapturous feeling without having to sing about The Rapture. It starts out quiet and slowly builds to a towering crescendo of guitars and vocals that I actually feel on my skin. It’s the kind of music I hope I hear in heaven or at least catch a few notes of while on a smoke break in hell.
11) “Superhero,” Jane’s Addiction. Works much better as the theme music to Entourage than as a song, because as theme music it means it will lead to something entertaining, instead of remaining a four-minute reminder of why Jane’s Addiction should have stayed broken up.
Have a great weekend.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Study: White House made 935 false statements on Iraq War
Administration nearly made its goal of 1,000 lies
WASHINGTON - A new study by two non-profit groups reveals that, in the two years following September 11, President Bush and other top administration officials made 935 false statements about the risk posed by Iraq, falling 65 lies short of their goal of 1,000.
According to the report, members of the White House began targeting Iraq immediately after the September 11 attacks, believing the former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein had somehow been involved. But the administration lacked a key ingredient for going to war: evidence.
Bush convened his advisors and outlined options. While Secretary of State Colin Powell asked for the administration to gather evidence, Vice President Dick Cheney argued that if they waited too long, Hussein would have time to perfect his army of "flesh-eating flying zombie monkeys." The Vice President's argument convinced President Bush to authorize a secret initiative calling for 1,000 false statements that would support a war with Iraq by the fall of 2003. It received the code name, "Operation: Pants on Fire."
Using the Afghanistan operation as a cover, key administration officials underwent months of covert Straight-Face Training from the C.I.A. The training would allow the officials to deliver any statement, no matter how outlandish, without winking, crossed fingers, laughter, or swear-to-Gods. The training was almost a complete success.
"We never could quite get President Bush's smirk reflex under control," said one intelligence official who spoke under the condition of anonymity. "But once we realized he always smirks, we concluded it would be a dead giveaway if he didn’t smirk."
The study shows that the White House used a full arsenal of lies. It relied most frequently on STDs—Subtle Truth Distortions that could penetrate almost undetected and not be exposed until much later, such as discussing raw, unconfirmed intelligence as if it had been vetted and deemed factual. However, the administration occasionally deemed it necessary to launch much more powerful SHT (Super Hyperbole Transmissions) at the media, massive high-load deceptions designed to obscure their excessive implausibility by spreading clouds of ignorance and fear across a wide viewing area. This was a favorite tactic of the Vice President's office, where officials referred to the technique as "skull-f--king the facts."
One of the most obvious SHTs occurred when National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, after admitting there was "uncertainty" about Iraq’s possession of nuclear weapons, followed up by stating, "We don’t want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud." However, the largest SHT came from Secretary of State Powell’s presentation about mobile biological weapons labs at the United Nations, a delivery that nearly tripled previous levels of SHT delivered by the administration.
White House officials developed a number of even higher-yield deceptions that never made it past the prototype stage, most of which remain classified. One such statement, recently declassified through a Freedom of Information Act inquiry, showed that the President intended to declare in his 2003 State of the Union address that Saddam Hussein, "ate babies every day for breakfast," a statement designed to appeal to undecided soccer moms. However, the C.I.A. believed that Iraq would retaliate by releasing sensitive intelligence about Vice President Cheney's baby-eating activities. Instead, the President unleashed a smaller SHT about Iraq's attempts to purchase uranium from Niger.
While the White House set a goal of 1,000 lies, that number was later deemed unnecessary. One former White House official, who wished to remain anonymous but is most definitely not a former Secretary of Defense, illustrated the high level of discussions about how many lies they would need.
"We actually weren’t sure 1,000 lies would be enough. But then it only took 67 lies to get the Democrats on board, and most of the mainstream media stopped fighting around lie 279."
With all significant resistance subdued, some called for an end to Operation: Pants on Fire. But as the source explained, "It was so much fun we kept it going. We could have easily hit 1,000 if we wanted—hell, I've lied three times in the same sentence before. I could have gotten us the last 65 in a one-hour interview with Wolf Blitzer. But we ultimately decided to conserve some of our STDs and SHT until after the war started."
WASHINGTON - A new study by two non-profit groups reveals that, in the two years following September 11, President Bush and other top administration officials made 935 false statements about the risk posed by Iraq, falling 65 lies short of their goal of 1,000.
According to the report, members of the White House began targeting Iraq immediately after the September 11 attacks, believing the former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein had somehow been involved. But the administration lacked a key ingredient for going to war: evidence.
Bush convened his advisors and outlined options. While Secretary of State Colin Powell asked for the administration to gather evidence, Vice President Dick Cheney argued that if they waited too long, Hussein would have time to perfect his army of "flesh-eating flying zombie monkeys." The Vice President's argument convinced President Bush to authorize a secret initiative calling for 1,000 false statements that would support a war with Iraq by the fall of 2003. It received the code name, "Operation: Pants on Fire."
Using the Afghanistan operation as a cover, key administration officials underwent months of covert Straight-Face Training from the C.I.A. The training would allow the officials to deliver any statement, no matter how outlandish, without winking, crossed fingers, laughter, or swear-to-Gods. The training was almost a complete success.
"We never could quite get President Bush's smirk reflex under control," said one intelligence official who spoke under the condition of anonymity. "But once we realized he always smirks, we concluded it would be a dead giveaway if he didn’t smirk."
The study shows that the White House used a full arsenal of lies. It relied most frequently on STDs—Subtle Truth Distortions that could penetrate almost undetected and not be exposed until much later, such as discussing raw, unconfirmed intelligence as if it had been vetted and deemed factual. However, the administration occasionally deemed it necessary to launch much more powerful SHT (Super Hyperbole Transmissions) at the media, massive high-load deceptions designed to obscure their excessive implausibility by spreading clouds of ignorance and fear across a wide viewing area. This was a favorite tactic of the Vice President's office, where officials referred to the technique as "skull-f--king the facts."
One of the most obvious SHTs occurred when National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, after admitting there was "uncertainty" about Iraq’s possession of nuclear weapons, followed up by stating, "We don’t want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud." However, the largest SHT came from Secretary of State Powell’s presentation about mobile biological weapons labs at the United Nations, a delivery that nearly tripled previous levels of SHT delivered by the administration.
White House officials developed a number of even higher-yield deceptions that never made it past the prototype stage, most of which remain classified. One such statement, recently declassified through a Freedom of Information Act inquiry, showed that the President intended to declare in his 2003 State of the Union address that Saddam Hussein, "ate babies every day for breakfast," a statement designed to appeal to undecided soccer moms. However, the C.I.A. believed that Iraq would retaliate by releasing sensitive intelligence about Vice President Cheney's baby-eating activities. Instead, the President unleashed a smaller SHT about Iraq's attempts to purchase uranium from Niger.
While the White House set a goal of 1,000 lies, that number was later deemed unnecessary. One former White House official, who wished to remain anonymous but is most definitely not a former Secretary of Defense, illustrated the high level of discussions about how many lies they would need.
"We actually weren’t sure 1,000 lies would be enough. But then it only took 67 lies to get the Democrats on board, and most of the mainstream media stopped fighting around lie 279."
With all significant resistance subdued, some called for an end to Operation: Pants on Fire. But as the source explained, "It was so much fun we kept it going. We could have easily hit 1,000 if we wanted—hell, I've lied three times in the same sentence before. I could have gotten us the last 65 in a one-hour interview with Wolf Blitzer. But we ultimately decided to conserve some of our STDs and SHT until after the war started."
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we preparing for a recession?
Special extended layoffs edition!
15) Offering tax rebates in the form of scratch-off lottery tickets.
14) Assaulting real estate agent and mortgage broker so that we’ll have a place to live for the next 8-15 years.
13) Crossing border to seek new economic opportunities in Canada.
12) Selling excess children to science.
11) Replacing expensive toilet paper with worthless stock option certificates.
10) Traveling to Vegas to start a lucrative new act, imitating celebrities crapping their pants for money.
9) Conserving blog posts until we have something interesting to say.
8) Electroshocking Alan Greenspan’s testicles until he tells us how to get out of this and/or for getting us into this.
7) Cutting down heating bills by lighting selves on fire.
6) Auditioning for spot on Extreme Home Takeover.
5) Increasing size of investment portfolio by focusing on porn futures.
4) Creating cheap, homemade SUV hybrid by attaching a sail to the Hummer.
3) Two words: grad school.
2) Finding employment in the one booming sector left in America, the military.
1) Goodbye McMansion, hello McJob!
15) Offering tax rebates in the form of scratch-off lottery tickets.
14) Assaulting real estate agent and mortgage broker so that we’ll have a place to live for the next 8-15 years.
13) Crossing border to seek new economic opportunities in Canada.
12) Selling excess children to science.
11) Replacing expensive toilet paper with worthless stock option certificates.
10) Traveling to Vegas to start a lucrative new act, imitating celebrities crapping their pants for money.
9) Conserving blog posts until we have something interesting to say.
8) Electroshocking Alan Greenspan’s testicles until he tells us how to get out of this and/or for getting us into this.
7) Cutting down heating bills by lighting selves on fire.
6) Auditioning for spot on Extreme Home Takeover.
5) Increasing size of investment portfolio by focusing on porn futures.
4) Creating cheap, homemade SUV hybrid by attaching a sail to the Hummer.
3) Two words: grad school.
2) Finding employment in the one booming sector left in America, the military.
1) Goodbye McMansion, hello McJob!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Name my child and win a prize*
I am crazy busy with work this week and have haven't had time to read blogs, let alone write on mine. However, The Lovely Becky has a contest for naming our forthcoming offspring, TBD. I want to give our child a good, Christian name. For instance, if we have a boy, I want to name him Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians. TLB isn't so hot on that, so much so that she's willing to let people looking for "dry humping jerk pants" name the child instead.
Random 11 may have to be postponed tomorrow but I will try to post if I can.
*Contest owners reserve right to define "win" and "prize."
Random 11 may have to be postponed tomorrow but I will try to post if I can.
*Contest owners reserve right to define "win" and "prize."
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Top Ten Tuesdays: What new shows are we pitching to Bravo?
Extra reality TV exemption from the writer's strike edition!
Story by: Jennifer
List by: Brando
12) Inside the Porn Actor’s Studio
11) Top Perkins Chef
10) Fleeing Bobby Brown
9) Make Me a Sears Catalog Lingerie Model
8) Lube, Oil & Unfiltered
7) Carson Kressley Exploits Every Gay Stereotype in the Universe and Invents Some New Ones
6) Hollywood Waxing
5) Get a (Key) Grip!
4) Real Housewives of Duluth Watch Real Housewives of Orange County
3) Kathy Griffin’s Celebrity Syphilis
2) Project Product Placement
1) Let's Make a 60-Minute Reality Show Out of Anything!
Story by: Jennifer
List by: Brando
12) Inside the Porn Actor’s Studio
11) Top Perkins Chef
10) Fleeing Bobby Brown
9) Make Me a Sears Catalog Lingerie Model
8) Lube, Oil & Unfiltered
7) Carson Kressley Exploits Every Gay Stereotype in the Universe and Invents Some New Ones
6) Hollywood Waxing
5) Get a (Key) Grip!
4) Real Housewives of Duluth Watch Real Housewives of Orange County
3) Kathy Griffin’s Celebrity Syphilis
2) Project Product Placement
1) Let's Make a 60-Minute Reality Show Out of Anything!
Friday, January 11, 2008
Friday CJ Random 11
It's one more random than 10!
There’s really nothing quite like using the Intertubes to find new and exciting ways to waste time. One of the guys at a message board (such a 1997 waste of time) I frequent posted this very funny meme for generating a band, album, and album cover:
1) The name of your band is the first article title on the Wikipedia Random Articles Page.
2) The title of the album is the last four words of the last quotation on the Random Quotations page.
3) The album cover is the third picture in Flickr’s Interesting Photos from the Last Seven Days.
Here are three I made. I’m really surprised at how believable the first and third are:
Just like you can write a song about anything, you can name a band or album after anything. Give it a shot, it's really fun. On to the tunes.
1) “A Dangerous Woman Up to a Point,” Destroyer. Perhaps a veiled Hillary Clinton reference? I kid, I kid. An odd but enjoyable song, with a kind of loungy soft rock feel with sing-speak lyrics. So, really, the opposite of Hillary Clinton.
2) “Muswell Hillbillies,” The Kinks. Classic. Since the song mentions the state, I will relate this true Brando fact: I am descended from hillbillies. The German namesake side of my family settled in West Virginia back before it even become West Virginia. It’s kind of like saying you came over on the Mayflower, except the Mayflower is on block pontoons and running a wind-generated moonshine still. My humble heritage would also be one of those annoying sound bites I would beat into the ground if I were running for president, the line I would use to show that I'm the kind of candidate you could have a glass of dangerous illegal alcohol with. When the elites who came over in the Mayflower try and put the working people of America down, I take pride in the words, “Ich bin ein West Virginia hillbilly.”
3) “Hey Fuck You,” Beastie Boys. I think if Mitt Romney adopted this as his campaign song, he’d be doing much better.
4) “Three Hours,” Nick Drake. After you’ve gotten all the “Hey Fuck You” out of your system, it’s easy to be Nick Drake for three hours.
5) “Faster Gun,” The Wrens. I have said it before but it bears repeating: if you like jangly guitar-based rock music, you really should own The Meadowlands. This track has a Pixie-ish beat with cryptic lyrics that are hard to hear, yet come at you with the mysterious attraction of a coded message from Little Orphan Annie (minus the commercial for Ovaltine part.)
6) “Teeth in the Grass,” Iron & Wine. A slithery folk song that’s like a snake in the grass. What The Wrens are to indie rock, Iron & Wine are to indie folk. I love the way he sings so softly, you have to practically lean into your speakers.
7) “Hard to Explain,” The Strokes. It’s hard to explain how the drumbeat in this song is made by a human and not a machine.
8) “Waitress in the Sky,” The Replacements. A not exactly NOW-friendly rant against airline attendants, from a group who I’m sure were absolutely nightmare passengers. I’m sure the attendant version would be “Talented Assholes in Row 12.”
9) “Brothers Gonna Work It Out,” Public Enemy. Still impressive how revolutionary this sounds. The mixture of eloquence and anger, the steady beat mixed with the chaotic samples floating in the background, and the perfect balance between Chuck D’s calls to action and Flava Flav’s chiming that lightens up the mood just a bit.
10) “Out Ta Get Me,” Guns N Roses. Still impressive how dangerous this sounds. It’s not easy staying edgy in a culture where you can’t even get a callback for the cast of Lost unless you have a police record. But this song works for the same reason Johnny Cash still works: it’s lived in, with a delivery that says I’m not fucking kidding, I’ve lived this. However, not dangerous: Axl's kicks in the video I linked to.
11) “La Villa Stangiato,” Rush. My favorite rock instrumental of all time. Ten minutes of time changes, bloopy synths, and a guitar solo that starts off quiet like it’s invited you in for tea before it melts your face off. In other words, full of all the things that made it difficult to get girls to like me. But I’m married now, so I get to play this and still have sex! And if I was running for office, that’s why I would explain we have to let gay people marry, because homosexuals deserve the right to torture their spouses with music they hate and still have conjugal relations. Ich bin ein Master Debater!
Have an awesome weekend.
There’s really nothing quite like using the Intertubes to find new and exciting ways to waste time. One of the guys at a message board (such a 1997 waste of time) I frequent posted this very funny meme for generating a band, album, and album cover:
1) The name of your band is the first article title on the Wikipedia Random Articles Page.
2) The title of the album is the last four words of the last quotation on the Random Quotations page.
3) The album cover is the third picture in Flickr’s Interesting Photos from the Last Seven Days.
Here are three I made. I’m really surprised at how believable the first and third are:
Just like you can write a song about anything, you can name a band or album after anything. Give it a shot, it's really fun. On to the tunes.
1) “A Dangerous Woman Up to a Point,” Destroyer. Perhaps a veiled Hillary Clinton reference? I kid, I kid. An odd but enjoyable song, with a kind of loungy soft rock feel with sing-speak lyrics. So, really, the opposite of Hillary Clinton.
2) “Muswell Hillbillies,” The Kinks. Classic. Since the song mentions the state, I will relate this true Brando fact: I am descended from hillbillies. The German namesake side of my family settled in West Virginia back before it even become West Virginia. It’s kind of like saying you came over on the Mayflower, except the Mayflower is on block pontoons and running a wind-generated moonshine still. My humble heritage would also be one of those annoying sound bites I would beat into the ground if I were running for president, the line I would use to show that I'm the kind of candidate you could have a glass of dangerous illegal alcohol with. When the elites who came over in the Mayflower try and put the working people of America down, I take pride in the words, “Ich bin ein West Virginia hillbilly.”
3) “Hey Fuck You,” Beastie Boys. I think if Mitt Romney adopted this as his campaign song, he’d be doing much better.
4) “Three Hours,” Nick Drake. After you’ve gotten all the “Hey Fuck You” out of your system, it’s easy to be Nick Drake for three hours.
5) “Faster Gun,” The Wrens. I have said it before but it bears repeating: if you like jangly guitar-based rock music, you really should own The Meadowlands. This track has a Pixie-ish beat with cryptic lyrics that are hard to hear, yet come at you with the mysterious attraction of a coded message from Little Orphan Annie (minus the commercial for Ovaltine part.)
6) “Teeth in the Grass,” Iron & Wine. A slithery folk song that’s like a snake in the grass. What The Wrens are to indie rock, Iron & Wine are to indie folk. I love the way he sings so softly, you have to practically lean into your speakers.
7) “Hard to Explain,” The Strokes. It’s hard to explain how the drumbeat in this song is made by a human and not a machine.
8) “Waitress in the Sky,” The Replacements. A not exactly NOW-friendly rant against airline attendants, from a group who I’m sure were absolutely nightmare passengers. I’m sure the attendant version would be “Talented Assholes in Row 12.”
9) “Brothers Gonna Work It Out,” Public Enemy. Still impressive how revolutionary this sounds. The mixture of eloquence and anger, the steady beat mixed with the chaotic samples floating in the background, and the perfect balance between Chuck D’s calls to action and Flava Flav’s chiming that lightens up the mood just a bit.
10) “Out Ta Get Me,” Guns N Roses. Still impressive how dangerous this sounds. It’s not easy staying edgy in a culture where you can’t even get a callback for the cast of Lost unless you have a police record. But this song works for the same reason Johnny Cash still works: it’s lived in, with a delivery that says I’m not fucking kidding, I’ve lived this. However, not dangerous: Axl's kicks in the video I linked to.
11) “La Villa Stangiato,” Rush. My favorite rock instrumental of all time. Ten minutes of time changes, bloopy synths, and a guitar solo that starts off quiet like it’s invited you in for tea before it melts your face off. In other words, full of all the things that made it difficult to get girls to like me. But I’m married now, so I get to play this and still have sex! And if I was running for office, that’s why I would explain we have to let gay people marry, because homosexuals deserve the right to torture their spouses with music they hate and still have conjugal relations. Ich bin ein Master Debater!
Have an awesome weekend.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
O-Bama Beret
Over at The Republic of Dogs (now with a new and improved Wordpress flea collar), Res Publica was talking about Obama's New Hampshire speech:
And maybe that's true. But then again, maybe it means Obama is just singing the catchiest political pop song since Bill Clinton's, "Let's Go Crazy (For This Centrist Agenda)." It's certainly much better than George W. Bush's "U Will Die 4 Me."
Here's what I think: Obama is the "Raspberry Beret "of the 2008 elections. You're not really sure what it's about, but it sounds great and makes you want to dance. Those blah-blah-blahs are really la-la-las. And what great pop song doesn't repeat its chorus over and over and over again?
That inspired me to write the following song about Obama.
(The Song Remains About) Change
Come stand with me for change
la la la la-la
and join the people on the range
la la la la-la
Who’ve become quite estranged
la la la la-la
with the policies of the deranged
la-la la la-la la la la
CHORUS
I am still fired up and ready to go
From my Iowa win and my NH show
Forget my words and just feel the flow
Cause you’re the grass roots and I’m Miracle-Gro
I don’t scream at all like Howard Dean
la la la la-la
and I'm black but don’t use Afro sheen
la la la la-la
Now even I don’t know what I mean
la la la la-la
But I’m still the best candidate you’ve ever seen
la-la la la-la la la la
CHORUS x 357
I know there are some A&R bloggers out there interested in signing me, but I already have a lifelong recording deal with TLB Matrimoniacals, Inc. The contract is ironclad, I have total artistic freedom, and the groupies are to die for.
Still an amazing speaker. I still have no idea what he’s talking about. But it sounds great. I could listen to that shit all week, and I say that without any sarcasm.This led to some discussion that while Obama has a great beat, people weren't sure about his lyrics. As Res put it, it's all blah blah change blah hope.
And maybe that's true. But then again, maybe it means Obama is just singing the catchiest political pop song since Bill Clinton's, "Let's Go Crazy (For This Centrist Agenda)." It's certainly much better than George W. Bush's "U Will Die 4 Me."
Here's what I think: Obama is the "Raspberry Beret "of the 2008 elections. You're not really sure what it's about, but it sounds great and makes you want to dance. Those blah-blah-blahs are really la-la-las. And what great pop song doesn't repeat its chorus over and over and over again?
That inspired me to write the following song about Obama.
(The Song Remains About) Change
Come stand with me for change
la la la la-la
and join the people on the range
la la la la-la
Who’ve become quite estranged
la la la la-la
with the policies of the deranged
la-la la la-la la la la
CHORUS
I am still fired up and ready to go
From my Iowa win and my NH show
Forget my words and just feel the flow
Cause you’re the grass roots and I’m Miracle-Gro
I don’t scream at all like Howard Dean
la la la la-la
and I'm black but don’t use Afro sheen
la la la la-la
Now even I don’t know what I mean
la la la la-la
But I’m still the best candidate you’ve ever seen
la-la la la-la la la la
CHORUS x 357
I know there are some A&R bloggers out there interested in signing me, but I already have a lifelong recording deal with TLB Matrimoniacals, Inc. The contract is ironclad, I have total artistic freedom, and the groupies are to die for.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Best first lines
The Lovely Becky is asking for people to post their favorite first lines from books over on her blog. It's for edumactional purposes. Stop on by and look smart by quoting some literature to the professor.
I would leave something but I'm sadly illiterate. I write by smell.
I would leave something but I'm sadly illiterate. I write by smell.
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