Special extended media humping edition!
20) Demonstrating fitness to be Commander-in-Chief by going commando.
19) Playing saxophone on Arsenio Hall’s street corner.
18) Strengthening conservative credentials by offering gay, immigrant abortion doctor as a sacrifice to a non-denominational Judeo-Christian deity.
17) Constructing assembly line full of kissable babies.
16) Cancelling endorsement from “Super Bowl-winning quarterback Tom Brady.”
15) Using Ouija board to channel endorsement from Ronald Reagan/John F. Kennedy.
14) Offering all foreclosed homeowners discounted military housing with qualified enlistment.
13) Showing we’re a candidate Americans can have a beer with by going on multi-state pub crawl.
12) Stimulating the economy and promoting family values by offering tax deductions on marital aid purchases.
11) Stressing our acting credentials to California voters.
10) [Your own Top Ten Tuesday entry available with Gold-Level campaign donation.]
9) Vowing to get tough on crime by arresting most of our major fundraisers.
8) Proving that we’re not too old to handle the rigors of being...of being...uh...just a minute, it’ll come to us.
7) Taking urine test on The Situation Room to prove we’re steroid free.
6) Illustrating that we’re in touch with America’s youth by shouting “Wazzup!” at every campaign stop.
5) Promising universal access to Hannah Montana concert tickets.
4) Stripping to the waist and offering to bare-knuckle box Obama for the Democratic nomination.
3) Grabbing last-minute Republican votes by reaching under the stall.
2) Two words: Oprah, bitches!
1) Stressing liberal credentials by supporting a progressive agenda that promises to make America more fair and equitable....just kidding, who wants free schwag from our corporate sponsors?