Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Top Ten Tuesdays: How did we drive ourselves crazy this past week?

or Anatomy of a Comedy Breakdown!

As I mentioned on Friday, I entered a video for Slate’s comedy news contest. The premise was simple: write a joke based on an actual news story and film yourself delivering it. The folks at Slate would select 10 finalists, who would then be judged by a celebrity judge: Kevin Bleyer, a writer for The Daily Show. Right up my alley, right?

The problem is that, when I have some external pressure to be funny, I sometimes turn into Ted Knight after Rodney Dangerfield says, “1000 bucks says you miss that putt.” I immediately felt the greasy, ethereal clump of writer’s block clogging my psyche. I read through the Sunday New York Times, scanned the Web for news stories, and watched The Daily Show for inspiration. After a week, my best effort was a mildly amusing joke involving Dolph Lundgren. Not the stuff that wins contests. But since writing is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration, I managed to keep grinding away and finally had a breakthrough two days before the contest. I wrote about four pages of jokes, whittling it down to 10 I really liked. Now all I had to do was pick one and film it. Piece of cake, right?

I don’t have any kind of video device in the house, so I picked up a Microsoft Web cam. Of course, I forgot that Microsoft is English for doesn’t work worth a shit. The picture was grainy and the audio kept going out of sync with my lips, which would have been hilarious if my joke was about fucking Godzilla. I returned it for a Logitech cam, got it to work flawlessly, and seemed ready to go. I planned to finish work for the day, then film myself that evening, plenty of time to meet the midnight deadline.

Except that when I was ready for my closeup, the video started stuttering for some reason. I tried disabling programs, installing it on another computer, and offering to blow someone at Logitech if it would result in 25 seconds of workable fucking video. After a good hour of troubleshooting, I figured out the light settings were cocking up the works and got the video back to acceptable quality. Now I was ready.

Except I wasn’t. I couldn’t for the life of me get the delivery down. Despite being a ham, I am not really a performer. I am not kidding when I say that I did at least 50 takes. I would get my voice right but my face wrong, or my face right and the voice wrong. I looked stiff, I looked stoned, I looked like a man who had been saying the same thing over and over. After all that, I got a take I liked and showed it to The Lovely Becky.

“Why did you add ‘there’ at the end? That’s throwing off the whole joke.”

Fuck! She was completely right, one word I had added almost unconsciously screwed up the joke. I broke for dinner(!), deciding that only the soothing meatiness of a Culver’s Butterburger could take the edge off. Rehearsing in the car, I managed to get the joke just as I wanted while I was waiting for my food. I came back, ate my dinner, and finally recorded 21 seconds of video I was happy with. If by some stroke of luck I happen to win this thing, the $500 should cover the cost of my medication.

Anyway, after all that, here are my ten favorite jokes that came out of this process. Number one is the one I submitted.

10) Researches at New York University believe they have located two parts in the brain that trigger optimism in people. Still undiscovered: the parts of the brain that caused people to vote for George Bush twice.

9) Legendary rock group Led Zeppelin has finally agreed to release its songs in digital form on iTunes. The band promises that these new digital versions will sound even more overplayed then the originals.

8) Top forest officials in the U.S. said that global warming may be contributing to “hotter and faster” fires like the ones that spread through Southern California. A spokesman for the Bush administration denied those claims before leaving to tour the devastation in his coal-fired Hummer.

7) British biologists said that changes in the shape of a St. Bernard’s head can only be explained by evolution, and that these changes offer strong evidence against creationism. Creationists responded that the St. Bernard could not be used as evidence since the dog is not mentioned in the Bible.

6) Recently declassified files revealed that during the 1968 presidential elections, the FBI monitored candidate Eugene McCarthy, who vowed to fire FBI director J. Edgar Hoover. It’s believed Hoover oversaw the operation personally as the files were smeared with lipstick.

5) According to a recent study, inflation and a drop in real earnings are making it harder for Americans to live paycheck to paycheck. The study also finds that it’s easier than ever to find employees willing to give dollar handjobs in the executive washroom.

4) This past week, wildfires decimated Southern California, Turkey prepared to invade Iraq, and a nuclear-armed Pakistan suffered a series of destabilizing attacks from Islamic terrorists. This prompted the White House to announce that it is way ahead of schedule in triggering The Rapture.

3) Scientists this week reported progress in developing a blood test for Alzheimer’s. In other news, scientists this week reported progress in developing a blood test for Alzheimer’s.

2) An Australian barmaid was convicted of indecency for crushing beer cans between her bare breasts and hanging spoons from her nipples. During the trial, police noted that the investigation was especially arduous, requiring two dozen officers, hundreds of hours of overtime, and thousands in tips.

1) In the recent Republican presidential debate, Senator John McCain mocked Senator Hillary Clinton’s support for a Woodstock museum, joking that he could not participate in the legendary music festival, because as a POW, "I was tied up at the time." When asked for his opinion of the museum, President Bush said he couldn’t attend Woodstock because, "I was way too drunk to drive."

Monday, October 29, 2007

If you tag yourself too much, you’ll go blind

Blue Girl has this funky meme that seems tailor made for my blog. The idea is that you find five statements that, when typed into Google, list your blog as the number one hit.

Given the kind of search terms I find in my site meter, I thought this could be...enlightening. I also decided to up the degree of difficulty by not using “circle jerk” in the search, although the terms I did use showed the same level of charm, class, and sophistication.

5. mitt romney dry hump. I have to give credit to dooce for inspiration, because her blog was where I first read about what passes for a randy Friday night at BYU.

4. nipple nazi rat poison. This goes to The Lovely Becky’s favorite piece I’ve ever done. I was always sorry I never did another sketch show -- I would have loved to see this performed.

3. iraq quagmire ass bacon. It’s because I walk around with things like this in my head that I started this blog.

2. republicans longing clinton’s penis. Since I wrote this, the “clinton” part has really become superfluous.

1. girthy sodomizing tribulation. I’m not only number one for this term, I am the only result for this. That’s probably for the best.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Friday CJ Random 11

I didn’t do much blogging this week because I was working on my entry for the Slate comedy news contest, which I have to submit today. I will probably write more about that later. For now, let’s listen to read about some tunes!

1) “Happy,” The Wrens. Hands down, The Meadowlands is my favorite album of the 2000s (or is it the aughts?) Four guys living together in a house in New Jersey, working day jobs while working on this album for seven years, and releasing an astounding pop/rock record. This song really epitomizes the album, starting out bitter and sad over a slice of life that went bad, yet ends on an optimistic note thanks to the closing jangly guitar riff that offers much needed therapy to the first part of the song. That’s what makes this desert-island-disc material for me.

2) “There’s No Other Way,” Blur. The Manchester-drums will forever keep this stuck in the early 1990s. But the mark of a good band is one that can add the flavor of the month without becoming that flavor, which is why Blur didn’t become EMF after this hit.

3) “Waking Up,” Elastica. Hey, it’s the Blur guy’s ex-girlfriend. Their debut album is very underrated, and unlike the drums in “There’s No Other Way,” it doesn’t sound dated to me.

4) “Airplane,” Peter Case. A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll, and a whole lot of good. There’s just enough steel guitar to sweeten things up without drowning it in syrup.

5) “A Fine Day for a Parade,” Fountains of Wayne. They definitely flirt with the sweet/saccharine edge. They manage to stay sweet here with a nice, low-key number that indeed sounds like the blue skies and warm temps of parade weather.

6) “O My Soul,” Big Star. The gold standard of power pop. Catchy yet original, adventurous yet familiar. Also one of the few songs in rock history that manages to incorporate the band’s name into the lyrics without sounding like it came from a bunch of egotistical cobags.

7) “Country Girl,” Black Sabbath. Dio!

8) “Knife,” Grizzly Bear. They love, love, love reverb. I saw them in concert in Iowa City, the reverb in the singer’s voice sounded like going to a barber shop as a kid and looking at yourself in the mirror looking at yourself in the mirror to infinity.

9) “Somebody to Love,” Queen. Speaking of piling layers of vocals on themselves. The backing vocals stretch upward like the Tower of Babel, only the tower gets to stay because God loves to rock.

10) “Day of the Lords,” Joy Division. I have this thing about spicy food. I go into restaurants and they will have a little asterisk or maybe a red pepper next to the spicy items on the menu. Nine times out of ten, the item is mildly spicy, and I get annoyed that they made a big deal out of how spicy it is. But one time, at a Cajun restaurant called Heaven on Seven in Chicago, I ordered the spiciest thing on their menu: Hot as a Mutha Chicken. The menu was all blah blah blah burn your face off. They even brought out a little consent form that said I, NAME, being of sound mind and soul, have ordered the Hot as a Mutha Chicken blah blah blah. Like George Bush, I looked the waiter in the eye and said “Bring it on!” And like George Bush, I bit off more than I could chew and got the shit burned out of me. I could tell I was in big, big trouble as soon as I smelled it. This wasn't spice, it was napalm. I only got through about 1/3 of the dish, and it took a half dozen beers just to get that much down. The next day, I had a 12-hour day at work, and let me tell you, I had many conversations with The Lord, asking him to take me if it would make the burning stop. So Hot as a Mutha chicken is my standard for "spicy."

The reason I bring this up is because a lot of bands get labeled as dark. Ooh, you have to listen to Morose Belly Lint, they’re so dark! And I listen to Morose Belly Lint and think, “eh, they’re not so dark.” But when I get to the point where I think no band is really dark, Joy Division pops up on my iPod and reminds me what the standard for "dark" really is. Pick a song, any song, and it really won’t surprise you that Ian Curtis killed himself. Nick Drake sounded sad, Kurt Cobain sounded angry, but Curtis sounds haunted. Thirty years later, songs like “Day of the Lords” still pack a chill, especially when Curtis sings lines like where will it end? That’s pretty damn dark.

11) “Destination Ursa Major,” Superdrag. Destination major hooks. Soaring, guitar-driven songs like this are why speakers should go to 11. Joy Division has its place, but when I’m getting ready to head into a weekend, I need some audio parade weather.

Have a good one.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Top Ten Tuesdays: What's the most unattractive aspect of our cities?

Special expanded Eat it, Fodors edition!

Travel and Leisure magazine recently ranked the attractiveness of 25 American cities. What did the magazine find most unattractive about each city?

Atlanta: No matter how hard you squint, you can’t forget you are in Georgia.

Austin: Citizens unable to mate without singing Texas fight song.

Boston: Accent makes pillow talk sound like orders from a dock foreman.

Charleston: Can still smell the burning rubber from General Sherman’s treadmarks.

Chicago: Four words—mustaches and zubaz pants.

Dallas: Sexual partners always call out "Romo" (male and female)

Denver: Overuse of pickup line, “In Denver, you’re already in the mile high club!”

D.C.: High probability of having blood drained by member of the Vice President’s office.

Honolulu: Can’t erase image of tarantula crawling on Peter Brady.

Las Vegas: Seemingly large number of eligible men is actually just Danny Gans impersonating different guys.

Los Angeles: Most citizens now contain only 53% organic matter.

Miami: Airport call letters are STD.

Minneapolis: High horny-Republican-to-restroom ratio.

Nashville: Ten gallon hats conceal secret rib stash.

New Orleans: #1 recreational activity is gunplay.

New York: Prevalence of attractive footwear offset by prevalence of public urination.

Orlando: Inordinate number of furries.

Philly: Standard greeting is a shiv to the kidneys.

Phoenix: Hot date consists of an early bird special and shopping for Depends thongs.

Portland: 90% chance of getting carjacked by a Trailblazer.

San Antonio: Tallest downtown building shorter than average bang height.

San Diego: Two words—fish tacos.

San Francisco: Total eclipse of the Sun every time Barry Bonds’s head is in town.

Santa Fe: Conversations never move past, “So what do you want to do?”

Seattle: Frequent rains still fail to wash away the bad taste of grunge.

Monday, October 22, 2007

The Mutated Gene Meme

Kathleen tags me with the most complicated meme in history:

There are a set of questions below that are all of the form, "The best [subgenre] [medium] in [genre] is…". Copy the questions, and before answering them, you may modify them in a limited way, carrying out no more than two of these operations:

— You can leave them exactly as is.

— You can delete any one question.

— You can mutate either the genre, medium, or subgenre of any one question. [For instance, you could change "The best time travel novel in SF/Fantasy is…" to "The best time travel novel in Westerns is…", or "The best time travel movie in SF/Fantasy is…", or "The best romance novel in SF/Fantasy is…".]

— You can add a completely new question of your choice to the end of the list, as long as it is still in the form "The best [subgenre] [medium] in [genre] is…".

You must have at least one question in your set, or you've gone extinct, and you must be able to answer it yourself, or you're not viable.

Then answer your possibly mutant set of questions. Please do include a link back to the blog you got them from, to simplify tracing the ancestry, and include these instructions.

Finally, pass it along to any number of your fellow bloggers. Remember, though, your success as a Darwinian replicator is going to be measured by the propagation of your variants, which is going to be a function of both the interest your well-honed questions generate and the number of successful attempts at reproducing them.

My origins:
My great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparent is Pharyngula.
My great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparent is Metamagician and the Hellfire Club.
My great-great-great-great-great-grandparent is Flying Trilobite.
My great-great-great-great-grandparent is A Blog Around the Clock.
My great-great-great-grandparent is Shakespeare's Sister.
My great-great-grandparent is Excuse This Mess....
My great-grandparent is Jennifer.
My grandparent is Snag.
My parent is Kathleen of the Oakland Dilletante Kathleens.

1. The best comedy in alternative universes is: Fox News. Sean Hannity, a scary DeVinci Code albino who says people are at war with Christmas, fembot and mandroid newscasters, Ann Coulter without irony, and Bill O'Reilly, all packaged by a greedy Australian.

2. The best sexy song in rock is: "Hot Girls in Love" by Loverboy. Headbands! Mullets! An album cover featuring a man's ass in red leather pants! And 100% Canadian! Yet they were hunted by many hot girls in love. That takes a special kind of sexy.

3. The best cult novel in absurdist fiction is: The Apprentice by Lewis "Scooter" Libby. A grown man named Scooter writes scenes of animal sex before working for a vice president who eats puppies.

4. The best Jim Varney movie in American film is: Slam Dunk Ernest/Ernest Scared Stoopid (tie). In the first film, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar plays an angel who teaches Ernest how to dunk. It's nice when the facts write the jokes for me.

5. The best use of ground meat in American cooking is: The Culver's Butterburger. In my heaven, these grow on trees, and in real life, every bite gets you that much closer to going to heaven.

6. The time-travel story in nonfiction is: The Republican Party national platform. Gays, back in the closet. Women, back in the kitchen. Hispanics, back in Hispanola. Blacks, back of the bus. Michael J. Fox and DeLorean sold separately.

In keeping with my actual biological status, I will be unable to pass the meme onto others. But with answers like these, it's probably for the good of the species.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Friday CJ Random 11

I’m always surprised that driving wears me out. It’s not like I’m doing anything strenuous. I’m sitting in a chair, listening to tunes or talking, and occasionally getting annoyed with drivers who don’t understand that the left lane is for passing, not passing the time (I’m looking at you, Wisconsin!). Honestly, if I had a TV and controller, it would be just like playing videogames, and it’s not like I ever say I just played Halo for eight hours, and my ass is kicked! Yet two consecutive weekends of driving 18-20 hours round trip wore me out and made me just want to sit on the couch and play videogames all week.

Last weekend's engagement party for my brother Tickle and his fiancée was fun and free of fecal prop bets. I can tell the wedding will be a blast, as my future sister-in-law’s family seems a lot like ours: a fun machine that produces even more entertainment when properly lubricated with alcohol. We played a game of Balderdash on Friday, where Tickle would take five minutes to come up with an answer, only to have it be something with the word “balls” in it. Yes, he has a college degree. The clear winner of the weekend was The Lovely Becky, who not only mopped the floor with us in Balderdash, but took everyone’s money in a poker game the next night. Come to think of it, maybe staying up late drinking and playing games had something to do with me being so damn tired.

I am also ashamed to admit how excited I was to go to a real shopping mall. Not only does the local beaver trading post lack reproductive endocrinology services, it lacks something almost as vital: a Banana Republic. On to the tunes...

1) “Coming Up Close,” Til Tuesday. A classic long-distance-mix-tape song from The Lovely Becky. We made a lot of those for each other back in the day, and I this wonderful, catchy, earnest song was on the one she gave me right before I left for college. Jesus Christ, we are old.

2) “Wouldn’t Have It Any Other Way,” The Streets. The Ray Davies of English rap music. His rapping is really more like storytelling set to music, with the emphasis on the plot than the beat, with an accent that would be perfectly suited for a Guy Richie movie. This song involves our hero sitting on the couch, smoking a spliff, wondering where his relationship with his girl went wrong. Which, while not an ideal way to resolve your relationship woes, is much more effective than watching Dr. Phil.

3) “I Apologize,” Hüsker Dü. Classic 80s indie aggression. Catchy enough to sing along to, hard enough to slam around to. That’s a tough combination to get just right and it’s really what made Hüsker Dü so great.

4) “Hoboken,” Operation Ivy. The counterpoint to the above. More slammin’ than jammin’. On the surface, it almost seems like mindless hardcore, with rapid-fire shouting and a speed-addled beat. But there’s a real energy and charisma underneath that makes me want to stick around. Kind of like Hoboken itself.

5) “How Many More Times,” Led Zeppelin. I miss the time when bands could be enormously popular and still considered good. As much as the Zepp gets overplayed on (deep announcer voice) the home of classic rock in [YOUR CITY HERE], they rocked. They gave the people what they wanted—big, fat riffs and vocals so charged with sex they were like a lemon ready to be squeezed—and yet they still took a lot of chances with their music. That’s why people like the guy at Jiffy Lube and the indie rock critic getting the oil changed on his Gremlin can love them. Now it seems like if a band is popular, indie guy assumes they suck, and if it’s a great band no one has ever heard of, Jiffy Lube guy asks you to play some Zeppelin.

6) “Southern Anthem,” Iron & Wine. Not your father’s Southern Anthem. And definitely not your grandfather’s. Beautiful, wistful folk music from the real soul successor to Nick Drake.

7) “That’s What I Get,” Nine Inch Nails. The Journey of industrial music? I’m not sure, but what seemed so angry then does seem kind of corny to me now, even though I still like Reznor’s first album.

8) “To the End,” Blur. This is at the exact opposite end of their stadium-shaking woo hoo! It wouldn’t be out of place at a cocktail lounge, albeit a very cool, ironic cocktail lounge.

9) “Boomtown,” The Blasters. Classic roots rock, with that chugga-chugga-chugga train-track beat that Johnny Cash used all the time. It reminds me of driving into Barstow, seeing just enough artifacts of past prosperity to answer the question, why the fuck did anyone live here?

10) “Kreuzberg,” Bloc Party. Overdub Bono singing and this wouldn’t sound out of place on a U2 album. Whether you like it will depend on whether you think Bono is the shit or just full of shit. I am in the former camp myself, but I understand the latter and admit giggling a bit.

11) “The World Is a Mess! It’s in My Kiss,” X. I got a fever, and the only prescription...is more Hammond organ. That sweet Hammond sound takes an already perky, revved up X song and turns it up to 11. It’s one of those keyboard parts where you can feel the player standing up and doing that jerky, epileptic pounding that you only see during a keyboard solo or on every episode of Letterman. It’s as if the keyboard guy is so happy he gets to do a solo, he loses control over all motor functions except his fingers. Much like Bono, I love that shit.

Have a good weekend.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we reaching out to religious voters?

10) Through hole in bathroom stall.

9) Tying story of loaves and fishes to campaign contributions.

8) Going ix nay on the Mormon-ay.

7) Offering to retroactively stone Bill Clinton.

6) Calling for the revival of the Crusades.

5) Revealing “Church” and “State” tattoos on each buttock.

4) Letting Fox News crucify our opponents.

3) Outlining national Manishevitz/Blood-of-Christ exchange pogrom program.

2) Swearing that sanctity of remarriage will not be sullied by gay unions.

1) Promising The Rapture by 2008 or your money back!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

On the road again

The Lovely Becky and I are embarking on another 8+ hour car ride today, this time to the engagement party for my brother Tickle. There should be no soiling of garments for money, but given that many members of Clan Brando shall be attending, there may be airing of grievances for free.

Actually, given that I'm not sure what Tickle's fiancee or my parents know about the scandalous Poop-for-Gambling-Relief program, there could be some money-making possibilities....

I am traveling with a computer, so there may be some blogging this weekend.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Top Ten Tuesdays: What are we putting in our memoirs?

10) Five-page sex scene that really only lasted about a sentence and a half.

9) An assload of coveting our neighbor's razor.

8) El Presidente Bush es un chingando pendejo grande!

7) A few dozen pertinent facts that we forgot to tell the jury.

6) Revelation that we would only cut interest rates after killing a drifter and reading his innards.

5) Harrowing tales of snorting coke off of Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s tits.

4) Harrowing tales of snorting coke off of Vince Neil’s tits.

3) A marriage secret: the couple that stays together is the couple that shoots old men in the face together.

2) Lots more material for this blog to plagerize.

1) Limited edition pubic hair bookmarks.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Home away from home

I didn't post a Random 11 yesterday because The Lovely Becky and I were on the road. We traveled back to Iowa City this weekend as part of our War on Infertility. You can get a lot at the local beaver trading post in Da UP of Michigan, but not reproductive endocrinology services. So we had to come back to Iowa for a quick visit to the hospital (the outcome of that will be forthcoming).

The body of our former home is still warm, and not just because of global warming. Coming into town was a bit like looking through a photo album, reminiscing about the past, and then stepping into the picture. By Saturday, after a trip to the mall (such a modern luxury!), I felt like we were still here, that the move had been part of some two-dimensional past stuck in a bound book. I'm sure that will reverse itself once we drive back up to our Sasquatch-infested new home.

There was a fun music-related event on Friday: I saw Suzanne Vega in concert. My friend Bob, who used to tour with Vega before he settled down in Iowa City, opened for her. The show was great, with Vega doing a cool version of "Left of Center" accompanied only by her bass player. Afterward, Bob and I hit the bar for a drink with Suzanne and the band. I sat outside on the main Iowa City drag, enjoying the warm weather, cool suds, and feeling like I never left.

Here's a clip of Suzanne Vega performing her new song "Anniversary" on David Letterman. I'll be back to regularly scheduled jerking after the weekend.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Bush Makes Children’s Health Care a “Faith-Based Initiative”

WASHINGTON – President Bush, explaining why he used a veto to block an expansion of health care to lower income children, said he was reclassifying children’s health care as a faith-based initiative.

“Health care is expensive,” said the president at a press conference. “But prayer is free. So it was a no-brainer.”

When reporters challenged President Bush on the effectiveness of faith to heal childhood diseases, Bush defended his beliefs. “I prayed to Jesus to become president and it happened. My prayers also kept me out of Vietnam and kept my urine clean. So I believe that if prayer can do that for me, it can cure childhood diseases like mumps or Scarlett Johansson fever.”

Bush also emphasized the importance of praying to the right Jesus for healing. “Children under the age of 12 should pray to Baby Jesus, while those ages 13-17 should pray to Teenage Jesus. Those prayers are much more effective if you stay within your Jesus prayer demographic.”

Bush’s decision touched off a heated debate in Congress, as Democrats sought to gain enough votes to overturn the veto. “It is more than usually desirable that we make some slight provision for the poor and uninsured,” said Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “Many thousands are without comprehensive coverage. Hundreds of thousands are in want of even Flintstone Vitamins.”

Representative John Boehner, the House Republican leader, stood with President Bush and delivered the GOP rebuttal to those sick children who were not cured by prayer.

“Are there no emergency rooms?” asked Boehner. “And the Ronald McDonald Houses—are they still in operation?”

“Many can’t go there,” Pelosi countered, “and many will die.”

“If they would rather die,” said Boehner, “they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population!

“Besides,” Boehner continued, “when we ban abortion, we will have plenty of replacements."

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Top Ten Tuesdays: Why did we become conservatives?

10) Desired socially acceptable outlet for hating minorities.

9) Envisioned self as more of an armchair general than a foot soldier.

8) Learned the power of the capitalism after parents made us find a free-market solution to potty training.

7) Wanted the thrills of gay sex without the spills of being “gay.”

6) Saw first-hand the dangers of illegal immigration after being raised by Salvadoran nanny who didn't let us get our way.

5) Enjoyed the ease of answering all of life’s tough questions with “God’s will.”

4) Tended to shout rather than talk.

3) Launched crusade against high school girls being easy after getting turned down by the easy girls in high school.

2) Felt that Locke’s social contract entitles all men to seek their fortunes in a free and unfettered fashion...okay, we just wanted to lower taxes enough to get a gold bidet for the yacht.

1) Forced to have childhood lobotomy due to lack of mental health coverage.