Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Bush Makes Children’s Health Care a “Faith-Based Initiative”

WASHINGTON – President Bush, explaining why he used a veto to block an expansion of health care to lower income children, said he was reclassifying children’s health care as a faith-based initiative.

“Health care is expensive,” said the president at a press conference. “But prayer is free. So it was a no-brainer.”

When reporters challenged President Bush on the effectiveness of faith to heal childhood diseases, Bush defended his beliefs. “I prayed to Jesus to become president and it happened. My prayers also kept me out of Vietnam and kept my urine clean. So I believe that if prayer can do that for me, it can cure childhood diseases like mumps or Scarlett Johansson fever.”

Bush also emphasized the importance of praying to the right Jesus for healing. “Children under the age of 12 should pray to Baby Jesus, while those ages 13-17 should pray to Teenage Jesus. Those prayers are much more effective if you stay within your Jesus prayer demographic.”

Bush’s decision touched off a heated debate in Congress, as Democrats sought to gain enough votes to overturn the veto. “It is more than usually desirable that we make some slight provision for the poor and uninsured,” said Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “Many thousands are without comprehensive coverage. Hundreds of thousands are in want of even Flintstone Vitamins.”

Representative John Boehner, the House Republican leader, stood with President Bush and delivered the GOP rebuttal to those sick children who were not cured by prayer.

“Are there no emergency rooms?” asked Boehner. “And the Ronald McDonald Houses—are they still in operation?”

“Many can’t go there,” Pelosi countered, “and many will die.”

“If they would rather die,” said Boehner, “they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population!

“Besides,” Boehner continued, “when we ban abortion, we will have plenty of replacements."

8 comments:

almostinfamous said...

Jesus prayer demographic = classic!

i like the whole thing, but you lost me on this one:

When reporters challenged President Bush

when did they start allowing that again??

Churlita said...

Wasn't W's dad's answer to health care a recommendation that people should just eat better and exercise? Because that will really help with the meningitis or whooping cough.

Jennifer said...

You must stop putting up satire that sounds like reality. Or... are you writing reality and the President is doing satire???

I am now thoroughly confused. I will now pray to the Confusion Jesus and ask that he give me clarity, or parody...

BOSSY said...

That's a coincidence: Bossy prayed to Jesus that Bush wouldn't be president. Bush 2, Bossy 0.

Noelle said...

This entry came through among a bunch of legit news posts on my RSS reader, and I thought it was real for a minute. Then, I scrolled up to see it was another CJSD classic.

Adorable said...

I hear that Bossy!

No wonder AG is a Jew who thinks Jesus is crap on a stick.

Kathleen said...

“Health care is expensive,” said the president at a press conference. “But prayer is free. So it was a no-brainer.”


you are a genius.

kirby said...

Nice allusion to Dickens, and that pretty much sums it up. We're all Tiny Tim to the Bush Administration.