The real story behind global warming

The other day, I got into a message board argument with someone who thinks human influence over global warming is a crock. He actually said that there's a propaganda machine at work that rivals that of Goebbels, and that the outcry over global warming is just another sneaky trick by the left to engage in social engineering. Oh, and that scientific peer review is really a mechanism for preventing the spread of counter-arguments to anthropomorphic global warming.

I initially tried debating him for reals, which was about as useful as starting a land war in Asia. So I did what I always do, which is poke fun.


I didn't want to reveal this here, but the clever detective work of others has left me no choice.

Global warming is a big conspiracy. It is a joint production of the Freemasons and Illuminati, in conjunction with NPR, the National Science Foundation, and Al Franken. The point is to destroy capitalism and replace it with a barter system based on Folger's Crystals. This plays into the hands of the Chinese, who are secretly cornering the market on Folger's. They are also getting help from Hugo Chavez and the Iranians, who are enriching the crystals. By controlling the coffee, they will control every man and woman that has to get up for work in the morning. We will all become their slaves.

A group of albino minions does the work of this global warming society. They secretly control the peer review of the journals and have infiltrated the HR departments of all major universities and research institutions in the United States. They also work as copy editors at most newspapers, replacing stories about water skiing squirrels with exposes on global warming. They are also buying off key members of the media, Congress, governmental environmental agencies, and science foundations.

By getting America to waste precious resources on environmental regulation, our Folger's Crystals production will severely suffer, allowing the Chinese to eventually pass us as the world's superpower.

I am revealing this because one of the albinos, who only goes by the name of Bernie, is holding my family hostage. I hope by getting the truth out, I can save them.

In the meantime, watch the skies! And horde your coffee, for it will one day be the Stimulant of Liberty!